My heart has been broken

[Katymarie1990]

I don't know what I'm expecting from writing this. its not like anyone else can know what he is thinking. I've been with my partner for 7 years. We have our ups and downs like everyone else. He has caused me a lot of heartache through the years but I love him so have stayed.
Two days ago we had an argument over his wages. He went and lost it all in the bookies and while we was arguing I said "I don't think you love me anymore" and he said "I don't know" I felt sick like I had been punched and he said he wasn't in love with me anymore and hadn't been for a long time. I asked about my birthday and why he was still sleeping with me and he said " I tried to love you" I begged him to stay and he said no. He told our children he was leaving and told his famil and packed his bags. I asked him again can we try and work on it and he said no. So I said ok and as much as it hurt me asked him to leave and I will get his stuff sorted for him. He left with his friend, he came vack 20 minutes later and said he spoke I his friend who has also thought this with hos girlfriend and it comes down to money and self worth. That he loves me always has and always will and he just wanted me to leave because he messed up.

How can you go back from that. He hurt me so much. For two hours he told me he did try and he was sorry he didn't feel it. I look at him and feel sick I look at him and wonder is he just trying again. When will he leave the next time. I really dont know what to do. If you love someone you wouldn't do that to them ? Surely

[Nonnainglese]

He left and then came back and told you to leave because he messed up ?
So what about the children, is he going or are you?
Sorry, bit confused.

[Katymarie1990]

He came back and told me he was sorry that he is in love with me and he didn't mean to say it :(

[TokenGinger]

I think what happened here is that he has a very extreme defence mechanism. He knows he's an idiot and maybe has a problem, blowing all of his wages doesn't sound like the actions of somebody who doesn't gamble regularly.

You told him he didn't love you and he clearly got defensive whilst feeling got at (and rightly so, you should be getting at him) and therefore, this was his defense.

He managed this situation poorly. I'd maybe suggest he gets some help for his gambling problem and explain that if this ever happens again, you're gone for good. You'll accept one error but any more than that, and you become the fool, not him.

[Katymarie1990]

Sorry that didn't make any sense and I can't edit. He came back and said that he didn't mean it that he just wanted me to leave him at the time because he messed up

[Jan45]

Sorry but I think he meant it, he loves you but isn't in love - that's hard but tbh you're better knowing the truth.

He no doubt feels bad for blowing the money and thinks the right thing to do is to stick it out, it's not really, eventually you will end up back at square one again.

[gamerchick]

Man he totally steered your attention away from him blowing his wages didn't he? Big claps to him.

It won't be the last time he does that.

[takeinyourhen]

He spent all of his wages in the bookies??!

[Katymarie1990]

I can deal with it if that's what he wants. If it was something in the heat of the moment I would hope we could work on it. It's hard because he has never said that to me before. He is still here and he says he is sorry and that it won't happen again. i wouldn't dream of saying something like that to him.
I don't know what he is thinking. If he doesn't love me why sick around? Why not just leave ? I can deal with it but this sitting around waiting for it to happen again hurts

[takeinyourhen]

So basically, he needs to stay with you because he has no money - what a cocklodger!

[Jan45]

I might be wrong then, I just think it's a weird thing to say as a defence, and really pretty cruel.

You say he has caused you a lot of heartache, is it worth it?

[Nonnainglese]

The fact he is a gambler and almost seems to think it doesn't matter would be a very big warning light for me and I don't think I'd stay because sooner or later you're going to have to face enormous debts caused by his addiction - I don't for one moment think this is a one-off.

He's being defensive and laying the blame on you, it depends whether you can rebuild the trust, or not, let alone the love.

Personally, no, I'd be making plans to go. I have a gambling ex friend and watching him lie, steal and utterly wreck his, his wife and his DCs lives was like a slow motion car crash, awful.

[passmethewineplease]

What will you do now he has gambled all his wage away?

He has caused you heartache in the past as well? Is this really what you want from a relationship? He sounds like a dick.

[gamerchick]

Of course he's saying all that... You're my mad about the wages anymore, he's got you feeling terrified he's going to leave and now he'll smooth it over until the next time.

Except the next time you'll know your place and not argue about him blowing his wages or whatever in case he pulls the same stunt and make you scared again.

[gamerchick]

*you're not mad

[DaysAreWhereWeLive]

Once all that 'I don't know if I love you' stuff gets started, I don't think you can just come back from it.

He can't have just made it up out of the blue and packed his bags over something he denies a couple of hours later. It's hard to say but I think if you don't get control of this he'll do it again in a few weeks or months and you'll wish you hadn't wasted time hanging around waiting for him to fall back in love.

[Katymarie1990]

I never really thought of it like that. I knew he used to have a problem and I stupidly believed he had in under control until then.

There really is no going back from that, either he meant it or he didn't but you can't throw words around like that. They did.

The gambling was wrong then turning it around on me was all that was.

He hurt me a lot in the past and I always put it behind me and get on with it. But all that's done is give him a free pass to keep doing it.

Thank you x

[Morganly]

Yup that was his way of deflecting all your attention away from what a useless numpty he is for gambling away all his wages. Worked, didn't it? You say he's caused you a lot of heartache over the years. My dear, this will not stop until you dump the useless twerp and find someone who behaves like a proper adult.

[pictish]

Agree with a couple of others here...what effective deflection on his part. The fact that the irresponsible arsehole had blown his lot in the bookies was neatly swept aside, as you agonised over whether or not he loves you instead.
Original misdemeanour forgotten with an extra helping of low self esteem for you. He does something wrong and in confronting him, you end up striving for his affection.

Manipulative people...they're fuckers.

[Katymarie1990]

Deep down I've always know that

He is all I've really known and I stupidly believed he will change. my family tell me he loves me and I should stay and make it work, but they only know what I choose to tell them.

He did hurt me a lot in the past and changes were made and things got better. I thought everything was going great until this happened.

[Katymarie1990]

Yeah I'm 25, I met him when I was 17 so he is the only person I've really been with. :(

[pictish]

He came back and said that he didn't mean it that he just wanted me to leave him at the time because he messed up

Ohh he's good though.
Did you assure him, chide him for being so dramatic?

It's funny how he does something heinous and drastically wrong, yet the brow that ends up being soothed is his.

He'd hate being married to me.

[CalmYourselfTubbs]

get rid of him.
you can do a lot better.
carrying a gambler will always keep you just steps away from the poorhouse. you will always have the wolf at your door.
you deserve better than this.

[TokenGinger]

I'm 25 too. I promise you there is more to life than worrying each month if your partner will blow his wage. I used to spend every fortnight worrying if my alcoholic ex would end up in hospital after a binge each time he got paid.

Since I lost him, I've bought a house, I've taken up many hobbies, I've progressed a lot in my career, I've been on some beautiful holidays and trips. I'm enjoying the life that a young girl should. You're probably wondering why I'm mentioning these things that may sound abstract, but before I lost him, my money was spent on subsidising his alcoholic spending so I couldn't save for a house. I couldn't focus my attention on hobbies because I suffered such severe anxiety worrying about him, especially with the "I don't love you" phrases each time I called him out on something which would send me in to panic mode. I also couldn't focus at work. He'd send me abusive messages following on from the night before. And holidays were mostly out of the question unless it included a clubbing destination where he could drink.

He'll suck your money away and leave you in debt whilst using emotionally controlling phrases to take the spotlight off him and his wrongdoings. Don't settle for this at such a young age.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

He's playing you like a fiddle. You should not accept being made to feel horrible by your partner on a regular basis. Putting it behind you and getting on with it is the worst thing you can do.