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I need some support and suggestions regarding my last post.

(36 Posts)
Janekai88 Sat 01-Aug-15 16:48:19

Regarding my last post 'could you trust again' I'm very lost and confused as most people have said I need to leave. My husband this morning said he thought we were coming on leaps and bounds and I just felt crushed. After his looking at she male escorts, ridiculous amounts of she male porn and slapping me across the face I can't seem to move on and he views this as my problem. I'm very very down borderline depressed and he blames pnd. Anytime I try to talk he storms off, ignores me or says we have been through this move on. He's a very angry man gets frustrated and annoyed easily and I must admit I get rather annoyed easily now but I keep it all in. He started with me yesterday because my ex text asking how our son was as I have him for a few weeks he said I need to stop texting him? I don't ever text him unless I'm picking our dc up just to ask what time I never really speak to him either as we don't really get on. I think this is ridiculous as he follows his exes on Twitter and Facebook which I wouldn't ever want to do in my life! I just don't understand why every little thing is my problem? And he won't even listen to me? we went out last week with the kids I came back from the toilet with the older ones and he was staring at this women even she looked uncomfortable! I feel like the ugliest horriblest person in the whole world.

butterflygirl15 Sat 01-Aug-15 17:01:19

I don't understand why you are with him - do you think this is all you deserve?

ImperialBlether Sat 01-Aug-15 17:02:58

For crying out loud, why are you with this knobhead?

Costacoffeeplease Sat 01-Aug-15 17:03:58

Most people are right, you need to leave

What is confusing you? Why don't you feel ready to leave yet?

BertieBotts Sat 01-Aug-15 17:05:34

You sound very distressed, I hope you are okay.

What are you feeling lost and confused about? Do you want to leave or what are you feeling about the relationship right now?

Are you feeling torn because you feel the relationship is going badly but him saying he felt it was getting better is confusing?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Sat 01-Aug-15 17:05:57

What is there to stay for?

MurielWoods Sat 01-Aug-15 17:06:48

I've not read your previous thread but it sounds as if you trying to seek your partners approval of the fact that you need to leave him.

Erm ......... No!

From what little you have written about him, he sounds like a completely vile and abusive arse.

You don't need his permission or approval. You don't need to explain or justify yourself to him. He will constantly try to undermine and belittle you.

Just quietly and confidently plan your exit strategy and then when the time is right, go!

NerrSnerr Sat 01-Aug-15 17:08:07

Is there a reason why you haven't left? You don't need his permission.

ImperialBlether Sat 01-Aug-15 17:08:43

I think you'll be like many, many of us on MN - once the OH has gone, the depression automatically lifts and you feel wonderful.

Canyouforgiveher Sat 01-Aug-15 17:25:47

why would you "move on" from someone slapping you across the face? except literally - move right on from him and don't look back.

Just leave him.

Janekai88 Sat 01-Aug-15 18:23:53

I feel like this is my problem and I might be part of the problem too. I'm very down a lot and he takes that as me being horrible to him, I think it's so disrespectful him looking at other women. I don't want to leave because I don't want this, I wanted to marry the man I love and live happily ever after. Naive? Maybe... I'm so alone I feel awful I can't even look at people In the eyes anymore I'm that anxious.

BertieBotts Sat 01-Aug-15 18:30:35

But you being down isn't being horrible to him. So he has awful expectations of you. And yet he's treating you like shit in return.

It's so hard to accept sometimes that the person you thought you were marrying isn't the person they turn out to be. But you won't have any happily ever after with him. With somebody else? Maybe! It isn't naive to want that. It would be naive to think that he can change and become a wonderful husband.

MurielWoods Sat 01-Aug-15 18:34:23

Well you certainly got you wanted then OP. You've married the man the love.

But now what? It doesn't sound as if he even likes you, let alone loves you.

What do you want us to say?

We can't make this better for you. You have a made a big mistake in marrying him but that's ok. We all make mistakes and it's possible to correct what's happened.

How old are? Maybe mid twenties? Are you happy to spend another 55 to 65 years living like this?

That wouldn't be good enough for me I'm afraid. Not even close.

Elizabethreallyismissing Sat 01-Aug-15 18:35:52

But you aren't living happily ever after are you, he's making your life a misery!

Fooshufflewickbannanapants Sat 01-Aug-15 18:36:45

You're down a lot because of his behaviour not the other way round, you don't need his permission to leave.
He is clearly not the man you want to believe he is/was.

He won't change. Do you want this to be your life? What about dc do you want him to think that this is ok?

Janekai88 Sat 01-Aug-15 18:40:06

I don't think he likes me either. I feel like I'll never be enough for him. I don't know how I would cope being alone. I'm so embarrassed by another relationship breakdown involving kids, no one will ever want me with kids to different dads sad

pocketsaviour Sat 01-Aug-15 18:41:07

I just don't understand why every little thing is my problem? And he won't even listen to me?

Because he is a violent, abusive bully and he enjoys having you within his control and causing you pain and fear.

OP, I would recommend reading this thread
Listen up everybody
And this one:
The Abuser Profiles

The man you fell in love with does not exist. You are now seeing the real man you married. I know that is hard to accept and that you hope if you can just do the right thing to make him happy then he will turn back into the charming man you fell in love with, but it's not going to happen. sad

pocketsaviour Sat 01-Aug-15 18:42:28

X-post.

no one will ever want me with kids to different dads

Rubbish! I know plenty of women in healthy relationships who have this exact situation.

I don't know how I would cope being alone.

A damn sight better than you are now, is my guess. Have you ever lived alone?

Janekai88 Sat 01-Aug-15 18:47:23

No never, after my last relationship broke down I moved in with my parents but we couldn't all fit in their house now. Does he know he's a bully? He blames me for the slap says I pushed and pushed him to do it? Then he said I hit him first which I never. I don't know if he knows how bad he is or if he thinks this is normal? I am terrified Incase I say something wrong but he will text me from work saying terrible things then turn his phone off so I'm left upset all day.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sat 01-Aug-15 18:52:16

He is abusing you. You feel this way because he has destroyed your self worth. What more would he have to do to make you decide enough is enough?!
You do have the power to change this.

MurielWoods Sat 01-Aug-15 18:52:46

Why are worrying about future relationships?

For Christ sake, just get out. Get yourself and your children safe and start to recover and rebuild your life.

Spend time healing yourself and building up yourself esteem before you even think about finding or meeting someone else.

butterflygirl15 Sat 01-Aug-15 18:56:55

but why would you want an abuser to want you? Don't you think being single is better than being with this waste of space? Or do you actually believe that any relationship is better than none?

Janekai88 Sat 01-Aug-15 18:58:18

I don't think I'd ever trust anyone else I just worry about the future and my family what people think of me, I thought I had a great future.

butterflygirl15 Sat 01-Aug-15 19:05:36

so stay single. I don't think your family will think badly of you for ditching an abusive man. Or do they believe that is better than being alone?

What do you want people to say to you on this thread?

oabiti Sat 01-Aug-15 19:07:22

Op, I stayed with my ex for the same reason; thinking no one will want me with my dc having two diff dad's... Until I woke up one morning & realised, what? I deserve better. I had your exact same feelings. He won't change. Move on x

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