I am so cross. not upset this time fucking cross.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

so yesterday, my husband opens up about an issue regarding a female college - she is causing problems for him regarding an meeting she wasn't invited too, he told her to do one for picking on him and he agrees with me saying she is 'one of those'.
Yesterday evening, he comes home, says he has worked things out with her and starts accusing me of being a bitch about her on the phone where he was the one moaning about her, and suddenly 4 hours later he is defending her.
This is a women, that two years ago, I saw him flirting with when we were supposingly on a date night. He ran over to her whispered in her ear about something then came back to our table. He then spoke with her during the interval and ignored me and didn't introduce us.
So, when I start asking about her what is her name etc, tonight, and pointing out how can he apologise to her but not apologise to his wife for the shit he has put me through for two years, he starts going defensive, I say why are you being like this. Only dogs smell there own shit if they have something to hide.
What I am cross about this time, is the fact that he has apologised to her for being rude to her when we have had problems for two fucking years, he has got angry at me constantly over issues and refuses counselling and never said sorry about his behaviour, towards me but no no he can say sorry to this fucking tart after one hoo hah at a meeting.
I suggest something is possibly going on because he hasn't spoken with me since dinner tonight. However, he keeps denying that nothing has 'happened'.Yet tells me they have a meeting on their own once a week in a conference room and a phone call every fortnight.
I am awake at two am- can't sleep - so many things going on in my head which could be nothing but could be something.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

sorry, spelling mistake :/ colleague I mean...

[Vivacia]

I think that this fucking tart is a red herring.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

lol yes probably a bit rude about the fucking tart bit.I am so angry and upset he has never said sorry to me for losing his temper or getting angry with me over issues. I have challenged him on it and I think thats why he is not speaking with me.

[avoiretre]

I'm not sure I follow this..thanks anyway.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

was there any need to even post your reply avoiretre. Make me feel even worse than I do.

[Vivacia]

I found it offensive OP but I understand that you are upset.

Your anger is completely misplaced. You think you have got one over on him, but he's just using the next manipulative method in order to get his own way.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

I know, sorry, I am really angry at the moment. I feel he has no respect for me. He doesn't even put on social media he is married and so in the end I deleted him of my Facebook make things easier.
I am on the list for counselling but even with one that isn't NHS the waiting list is 3 months.
I have told him if he is not attracted to me anymore, why not say,be honest and truthful, I don't feel any warmth from him, or actions to show me I mean something to him. I feel and have said we are not being very good role models for our daughter when he keeps kicking of at me every time I ask about a female colleague. Why get defensive about me asking??
I said, if he had the decency to introduce me to her that night and to go to the counselling with me as professionals have suggested then we wouldn't be having problems two years on.And more insecure then ever. He is still being stubborn.

[FeijoaSundae]

It doesn't sound as if either of you like, love, fancy, trust, enjoy - basically, anything good - one another at all.

Why are you together?

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

I don't know anymore. I've been hoping he'll change.
Seems my hope has gone. how do you move on though when you have been with someone since you were 16?

[Teacup246]

It takes quite a long time to move on unfortunately. You just have to take it one day at a time otherwise it all seems quite despairing.

Do you have friends or family who can support you?

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

yes I do. they all know what's going on. And my sister thinks he should leave and give me space but he won't go. So if I have to move myself and my daughter out I will because she needs a good role model not one who is going to shout at mummy all the time there is an issue.

[IDismyname]

The problem is your relationship with your H. What he is getting up to ( or maybe not getting up to) is symptomatic of your marriage. The finer details are... Well, the finer details. If it's not this woman, it could be another.

The love and respect seems to have gone.

i think you and your DD should go.

[Penfold007]

There are massive, overwhelming trust and other issues in your relationship. Other women are the least of your problems. What do you want to do? If it's save the relationship then counselling might help, if it's divorce start finding out your legal rights. Your are both responsible for being good role models to your children.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

he has been refusing counselling for two years. Says the problem is mine, always mine.
He thinks trust doesn't have to be earned. And I should trust him despite his strange behaviour or reassure me he is attracted to me and what am I being silly for - it's always a defensive angry response.
I am confused now to what trust means because I have friends telling me it needs to be earned and he says it doesn't need to be earned.

[wallaby73]

It's not confusing - you trust someone if you feel they can be trusted. Based on their behaviour, based on your gut instincts.

It isn't for him to "tell" you what the frickin definition is. It'll be one that suits him and makes you look paranoid, obviously. Of course he says it doesn't need to be earned, because he can't earn it!

I'd say , going off the above, he is just NOT trustworthy

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"It's not confusing - you trust someone if you feel they can be trusted. Based on their behaviour, based on your gut instincts".

Indeed and also trust has to be earned. He cannot earn your trust and without trust there is no relationship.

Many such men also actively refuse to leave (it suits him to stay where he is) but no man is above the law. Have you sought legal advice re separation?.

What are you teaching your DD about relationships here, is this really the role model of one that she should be seeing at all?. Entitled men like this one do not change, you've probably only stayed because you've been hoping against hope that he would actually step up. Well he has not and he will not do so either.

[Penfold007]

You could go to counselling on your own. You could explore your feelings and decide what you want to do.

[AnyFucker]

I remember you posting about this incident 2 years ago ?

Not much has changed then.

You say it will be hard to walk away but what I think is harder is looking down the barrel of several more decades of this half-relationship and thinking that I don't deserve better

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

I have suggested trial separation on a number of occasions.
It's got to the point now, I don't think it's worth that, he will just say what's the point.
He told me he is not going to tell me anymore about work after last night's conversation I didn't even do anything wrong I was just asking about her. I can't carry on like this anymore. It's like 'work' is 'his' prize, and I cannot be involved. He even went to London last week and made it very difficult for me to attend. I feel as any fucker says, its a one way street. I have spent all week crying because I know deep down it's truly come to an end.

[Vivacia]

You need to just rip the plaster off.

[Handywoman]

Time to stop 'asking' for a 'trial separation'.

Time to get on and see a solicitor.

[AnyFucker]

yep, take control now

you will wonder why you took so long once you are in the driving seat

[ashtrayheart]

Forget about her, she isn't the issue here. In fact he would do you a favour if he went off with her he sound awful. Take control and make the moves yourself and get some legal advice. You will feel so much better once you are rid of this man who makes you feel like you don't deserve any better. Good luck.

[mrstweefromtweesville]

OP, your husband fancies another woman and acts as if he might value her more than you, and in the past he's let her think that by the way he ran about whispering to her.

I can understand why you are cross. What I can't understand is why you are still with him. Don't say anything to him. Make plan b and when you're ready, ltb.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

I am going to get some benefit advice next week and I have been looking at what I could afford to rent. It's because we have been through so much and he has supported me since the day we met, I keep thinking maybe it's just a phrase a midlife crisis a tough time. But the more his behaviour has got worse towards me the more I am shutting down.And I am finding it hard to support him despite a big and busy year at work.
Perhaps that's what his mum meant when we met 'you won't get her life time affections' I thought it was to do with my health but she must have known he isn't one for relationships. and I have been thinking, if there isn't anything with this woman, or even if its a silly crush, any normal husband would say no darling don't be silly I am still mad about you. Never has he said that. No get angry and defensive leaving me in tears.