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My ex left me at 36 weeks pregnant now he wants to meet what should I do?

(47 Posts)
ADavid94 Tue 14-Apr-15 15:01:41

To cut long story short my ex left me properly when I just coming up to 36 weeks. He'd been needing 'space' on off since I was 28 weeks pregnant. But would always be fine again and say sorry then we'd be ok.

In the end I just said to him straight up what was going on cause I couldn't take it anymore. He admitted that he didn't know what he wanted. He said couldn't help how he felt but right now didn't want to be with me.

During the weeks before he admitted this he'd tell me to leave him for a few days I wouldn't hear anything from him. He would go out do want he wanted not ask about he baby once and I just cried. Before this he'd always go on about how we'd be a family and stuff so it was a shock.

He hasnt saved any money for the baby or bought it anything. He only gave me £200 to buy things I got everything else myself. He is 24 but still lived at home where as I'm 20 but have had my own place since I was 16.

He was good at the start but then starting going out every weekend Friday and Saturday. He wouldn't come home till 10am sometimes. He has basically blanked me or gave me abuse when I did try to contact him about the baby he says he's only concerned about he baby but he hasn't shown it. So I just left him and stopped trying.

Now I got a phonecall today asking if we could meet up and talk tomorrow and I'm not sure what to do? I'm due literally in a few days and I don't know what there is left to talk about.

should I meet him or just stop all contact except for things with the baby obviously. I'd never stop him seeing his son but I would never make him see him if he didn't make an effort.

I was really heartbroken at the start when this all happened but I think the baby has gave me strength. I don't want to put the baby through anything else but I also wanted a family so much.

I do love my ex but I'm just not sure after how he's been what I should do...

expatinscotland Tue 14-Apr-15 15:04:27

Make a clean break. Tell him NO unless it has to do with the baby.

Jan45 Tue 14-Apr-15 15:07:24

Don't make the same mistake again, he treated you appalling, you sure there wasn't someone else on the scene. Meet him if you want but I would not be getting involved with him, he sounds a right twat, devoid of responsibility, you don't treat someone you love like that.

cozietoesie Tue 14-Apr-15 15:07:27

I don't think there is anything to talk about as far as you're concerned - he probably just wants to talk about himself in some way.

I'd also say No.

GlitzAndGigglesx Tue 14-Apr-15 15:07:46

Having a baby around won't change him or improve his behaviour. If anything the sleep deprivation and exhaustion will make it worse. You sound pretty head strong so I'd leave contact unless it's to discuss maintenance. He can't pick and choose when he wants to be a parent

Mum4Fergus Tue 14-Apr-15 15:15:26

No...concentrate on you and the baby.

theendoftheendoftheend Tue 14-Apr-15 15:15:37

I would also say No, it's very very bad timing. I'd want to have the baby and get settled, then if he still feels the need to discuss anything other then maintenance/contact, you could talk about it then if you wanted to. If he isn't willing to wait/respect your wishes then there's little point in having an discussion anyway. Now is the time to concentrate on you and the baby.

ponybark Tue 14-Apr-15 15:17:24

I went through a difficult time with my ex when DS was born. We split up when DS was 5 months old.

Due to the way the ex treated me through the pregnancy (not accepting any responsibility for the child, refusing to move in, not helping me to prepare, behaviour getting stranger and stranger, becoming distant, lying, being verbally abusive and passive aggressive blaming everything on me) and then after DS was born (it was a nightmare) I developed post natal depression in a serious way. It was sheer hell with a baby to deal with on top of him.

I honestly think that without my ex being around for that time it would have been ten times easier and the PND wouldn't have been as bad. I couldn't see it at the time as I was entrenched in my ex-s "me me me" story.

Just beware that when the baby comes along you won't want or need someone difficult around who is going to play with your emotions as it will make the situation much much worse (you'll probably be feeling more vulnerable with a young baby and the sleep deprivation and constant care that comes with it).

Also you will be much more liable to have rows and arguments when baby is young; so if you can avoid that I would.

Make sure you have a lot of family and friends support around you though as you will need it if you're a LP. This will be much better than a difficult ex partner.

I would say be very wary of allowing him back into your life and if he does want to be part of your baby's life make sure it's at arms length and not at the expense of your own sanity or mental health.

Quitelikely Tue 14-Apr-15 15:21:16

If things were bad before the baby is here you've got no idea how bad they will be once the baby has arrived.

A baby is like throwing a bomb into a relationship. Yes really.

I would not meet him. There really is nothing to talk about. There's nothing to say about the baby as it's not born yet.

Tell him you will let him know once he has been born.

lunar1 Tue 14-Apr-15 15:45:02

Go with your gut instinct and say no to meeting him. You will need all your emotional and physical strength in the next few months without pandering to him.

Tell him to put everything he has to say in an email and you will read it when and if you want to.

Meerka Tue 14-Apr-15 15:52:07

No, don't meet him.

Also, observe how good a father he is. If he's as bad with the baby as he has been with you, he might not be a good parent at all.

RL20 Tue 14-Apr-15 16:02:27

I can relate to parts of your story.
Scarily, I'm also due in a few days and am expecting a baby boy, too!
You've obviously turned a corner within yourself as like you said, you felt that your baby had given you strength. Going back will possibly mean more heartbreak. Is he having a midweek crisis? Boredom? What will he be like come the weekend? Back to the same old him?
If you've managed to turn that corner, don't go back. You're obviously stronger than you once thought.
Tell him straight that as you're due in a few days, you don't need any stress and want to focus on you and baby, unless he is willing to talk about baby only. Suggest meeting up after baby is here. But he wanted the space, so he made his bed, now he needs to lie in it.
Good luck thanks

RL20 Tue 14-Apr-15 16:05:04

Also, men can be crap partners but great dads. (Something my mum always told me about my dad). They separated because he was a 'sh*t husband' but maintains that he has always been a great dad.
He still has the chance to prove this to you, but it doesn't mean that your relationship could/should work x

tallwivglasses Tue 14-Apr-15 16:34:24

why now, I wonder? Does he want to be at the birth? How would you feel about that? I agree with other posters - you sound like you're doing just fine without him hanging around being all unsure about what he wants sob smile

Whitehydrangea Tue 14-Apr-15 16:40:49

I would highly recommend reading some of the blogs on Baggage Reclaim - most of the posts Natalie writes really hit home regarding Mr Unavailable (her words) and the Reset button.

Ultimately it all comes down to having a respect for yourself and your own boundaries. If someone has treated you badly before they have the capacity to do it again.

To Quote "When someone acts without love, care, trust, and respect, and then expects you to disregard their actions, they’re not someone who has your best interests at heart and will force you into an illusionary world because they’re never in reality. Decent people who don’t think you fell out the sky yesterday, will credit you with some intelligence and recognise that you can’t bluff, bully, and bamboozle your way back into a relationship if you expect it be a healthy one with a chance of it lasting. Don’t get drawn into their behaviour or over-rationalise it because these are tricky people who don’t feel enough consequences and that’s the only thing that you can do – ensure that there are consequences and that they are not allowed to just gloss over their behaviour if they expect to be with you."

By being strong and not contacting him you may have triggered feelings in him which make him want to reassure himself that you are there for him if he wants you. All he has to do is click his fingers and you will give in. The minute you do agree to give the relationship another go will be the point when he disappears again. The point is not to start the relationship again but to reel you back in so you are waiting in the wings if he so decides he wants you. Don't be that girl.

You have far too much going on right now to put yourself back to square one. Especially if you are feeling vulnerable and might give it another go. Equally if he has other news for you (met someone else etc) this is not the time you need to hear it. Put yourself and your baby first and say you will talk to him when the baby is born.

RubyMay82 Tue 14-Apr-15 16:45:35

Decide what you want to do for you & the little one & try your best to stick to it,
He sounds like he's always going to be a f**kabout & it's all about him.
You don't need that!
My biggest regret when my wee one arrived was constantly trying to do the right thing when her Dad/ his family made waves.
Spent so much time stressed & upset,
You need to treasure every moment with this wee person & other people need to wise up or stay away!
You can't control his actions as he is a grown up but you can choose yours!
Good luck when the baby comes xx

magoria Tue 14-Apr-15 18:12:06

You don't need this in your life.

Tell him you want NC until the baby is born so you don't get stressed and then just contact him over baby things.

ADavid94 Tue 14-Apr-15 22:38:15

He hasn't contacted me since he called this morning to ask to meet tomorrow. If he says anything tomorrow about meeting I've decided I'm just going to politely decline the request and leave it there.

I've contacted a solicitor to find out about both mine and his rights. I do hope he wants to be involved with his son but I also need to protect myself and the baby so want to know about child maintainence etc. he earns a lot more money than me so I hope he gets himself organised before the baby comes as he still hasn't bought the baby anything he needs for him to be able to look after his son.

I find it quite embarrassing because I'm so young and at first I was worried about what people would think. Ive just got to get past that and enjoy the baby.

I hope I don't crumble if he does decide he wants to come back. I just want to move on with my life now even though I love him he just wasn't the best towards me.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 14-Apr-15 23:10:02

It's fine to tell him that you will talk to him after the baby is born. It's completely fine to refuse to have him present at the birth: he has no right to be there against your wishes and the hospital staff will refuse to let him in if you ask them to keep him away.

The people who matter now are you and the baby - anything this man wants, says, or does should come a long way down the list. He may turn into an OK father in due course, or he may not, but right now he's irrelevant.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, and with your baby.

cozietoesie Tue 14-Apr-15 23:17:07

I'd lay a reasonable wager that he's thinking about meeting because he's been getting some grief from his mother friends and family about you, the baby and his non-involvement. (Meeting - and whatever warped version of your conversation results from it - would enable him to assuage them a bit.)

Forget about it.

And Yes - good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and with the baby.

Coyoacan Wed 15-Apr-15 00:17:24

Another one voting for your not meeting him. I had split from my dd's father when I was pregnant and after she was born I just loved doing things for her. But I know that if he had stayed he would have skivving off doing things for her because he assumed all that stuff was woman's work, and that would totally taken the pleasure out of her early years for me.

You sound like you have your head screwed on. You know you don't have to have him on your son's birth cert, don't you? You can still encourage a relationship between them and you can still get child support too.

ADavid94 Wed 15-Apr-15 12:32:46

He has said if the baby didn't have his last name it wouldn't feel like his son. If he wants to be on the birth certificate I would allow that. But I don't know if I want the baby to have his last name.

I don't know what he wants and I would rather not know till I know what I want. I don't think I want him in with me at the birth he would sit in a corner Making jokes at my expense or on his phone all the time.

He will be really angry I don't let him in so that's one thing I'm scared of is if he kicks off in the hospital. He does have a temper when something annoys him he's 6ft 2 and works out a lot so can be intimidating. I'd be embarrassed if he was started going mad whilst I'm in labour.

Bogeyface Wed 15-Apr-15 12:38:56

There is no law that says that you must tell him that you are going into labour.

He gave up his "right" to be there when he fucked you about. This isnt about him anymore, its about you and your baby. If you dont want him there then he doesnt get to be there, end of discussion.

The same applies regarding the surname. he doesnt get to dictate to you.

Sadly I suspect that this is posturing on his part and when it comes down to it, he wont be a particularly engaged father. Base all your decisions on what you want and what you can reasonably achieve on your own, treat any input from him as a bonus but never ever rely on it.

Have you spoken to him about maintenance?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 15-Apr-15 12:40:43

Well then don't tell him when you are in labour.
Don't let anything slip.
Go off and have your baby in peace and tell him when it's arrived.
And definitely don't give the baby his surname.
Sounds like he won't be around all that much anyway so you don't want a different surname to your son.
He's YOUR son. This bullshit about the fathers surname is just that - BS!
I hope the birth goes well.

HellKitty Wed 15-Apr-15 12:46:49

Make sure your friends and family don't tell him when you go into labour.

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