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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

domestic abuse

32 replies

pnutter · 08/01/2015 02:02

Having left an abusive relationship im finding it hard going. Social services calling saying they are supporting me but in reality im alone. Domestic abuse group locally don't answer my emails. Everyone keeps saying I'm vulnerable but still not much in the way of support. Feeling sorry for myself sorry !

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pnutter · 08/01/2015 02:04

It's made me think I can totally understand why people go back to abusive partners..because they are not abusive ALL the time. .and if you are struggling on your own it's so hard

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pnutter · 08/01/2015 02:06

And..because of the cycle of abuse the abuser having lost you is now trying to worm back in by being super concerned and caring

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ShitHotAwesome · 08/01/2015 02:07

Oh gosh, I am sure you have done the right thing by leaving somebody abusive but it must be very hard.

Where are you staying? Have you a friend or person in your family you can talk to?

It will get better.

ShitHotAwesome · 08/01/2015 02:08

Just saw your 3rd message. Can you write down some of the crap he put you through to remember why you should not go back?

pnutter · 08/01/2015 02:10

Thanks im ok safe etc he punched me in the face amongst other things..verbal..name calling ..general mental torture . It's just so very hard to get support.

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pnutter · 08/01/2015 02:13

Even my social worker has said it's impossible to get help that actually works for me ie I have to get kids to school and work ..A refuge would be anywhere in UK. .so I'd have to give up all my and dcs security

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pnutter · 08/01/2015 02:14

Add in to that ..leaving him was so hard..After all i loved him

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ShitHotAwesome · 08/01/2015 02:18

You have done the right thing and it will be best in the long run for you and your kids. Is there anyone you can talk to other than your social worker? Could you tell work so that you don't feel so alone?

pnutter · 08/01/2015 02:20

Cheers ..im finding it hard to talk about it but social services told me I should tell my manager so yes I suppose I should

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ShitHotAwesome · 08/01/2015 02:28

It could help you feel you don't have to hold it all together all on your own if you tell your manager.

It's not an easy road but it is the right one.

iloverunning36 · 08/01/2015 06:39

And tell your kids school and post and read threads on here when you are feeling low or lonely. you HAVE done the right thing and it WILL get easier. Have you told your health visitor? Mine is coming today to chat to me, it's like chatting to a friend. She has been so helpful and that's what they are there for. I hope you start to feel stronger soon. Going no contact with ex will also help greatly but I understand totally what you mean about still loving him, it's like a drug but a bad one. I replaced the constant communication with him with posting on here and talking to friends when I was feeling low. The more people I told the more I realised had been in similar situations and have been very pleasantly surprised at how kind and helpful people have been. People I thought were acquaintances have shown themselves to be caring empathetic friends.

HootyMcTooty · 08/01/2015 13:32

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

You have done the right thing and I'm sure it will get easier, but the adjustment must be so hard.

I agree, tell your manager, your work may be able to provide some sort of counselling. Tell your DC's schools. Are there any local support groups you could go to? If not, maybe you could set one up? One where children can go and be looked after in a separate room, you could take turns looking after the children whilst others talk. If you advertised through local notice boards in supermarkets, Drs waiting rooms, health visitors. You need a support network to know you are not alone.

In the meantime, post here. You can write down what you're thinking, get it out and get support.

Quitelikely · 08/01/2015 13:38

You know the SS would come down on you like a ton of bricks if you let him anywhere near you.

I know it's hard because you loved him but believe me he won't change, he can't.

He will also know that he isn't supposed to contact you or the SS won't be happy?

Check out a website called hiddenhurt.co.uk and read the personal DV stories on there.

You will find happiness again.

Quitelikely · 08/01/2015 13:39

And yes, write your thoughts here. Just offload. There are lots of women who frequent this board who have been or are in your position

GallicShrug · 08/01/2015 14:29

Yep, offload

After years of being forced, by an abuser, to feel 'shame' that belongs to the abuser, it can feel difficult to openly talk about it. I even forgot there were people I could talk to! Talking to the DC's schools, work and your GP are all good ideas. Have a look around, too, for women's centres you could get to and check out the Freedom Programme.

You'll be okay :)

queenoftheknight · 08/01/2015 14:38

The children's centre/surestart staff have been beyond brilliant for me, even though they too, are stretched.

I have also found huge support through the GP.

Have you done the freedom programme? I did mine via surestart, there was childcare available.

Keep going.

dalmatianmad · 08/01/2015 17:07

Well done for getting out. That's a massive step in the right direction!
You'll be up and down for a long time wondering if you've done the right thing.
And although things were often good they really don't make up for the bad and your dc will be much happier/more settled as a result of you being so brave.
I'm speaking from personal and professional here. I got out 3 years ago after ending up on icu with a nasty head injury which was witnessed by my lovely dc. I also work as an A+E sister and specialise in domestic violence.
Me and my dc are so much happier. The house is relaxed, we can make noise and be late back from places without the fear of another beating.
Do you have a named person in the DV unit at the police, I used to ring her in tears when I was considering taking him back and she was a massive support.
Do you know of you have been referred to MARAC?
I also attended a local freedom programme and of course there's all the lovely ladies on here who've also been through the same.
Stay strong, please pm if I can help xxx

pnutter · 09/01/2015 09:36

Thank you all for your help it was good to read all your words of wisdom . Must be honest I'm really struggling . I miss him a lot . And if I say that to anyone they'll go are you mad ??!!

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pnutter · 09/01/2015 09:59

Going to request the freedom programme and change the locks . Two jobs to keep me busy

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2015 10:08

"I miss him a lot "

Abusive relationships are all about control. If you've spent years being controlled by someone through fear and intimidation you can get conditioned to it. It can even start to feel comfortable and familiar. There's a thing called 'Stockholm Syndrome' which describes how prisoners develop feelings of attachment to their jailers. Similar sort of thing.

It takes a long time and quite some effort therefore to break the psychological hold that an abusive person created but it does pass eventually. So I'm pleased that you're checking out the Freedom Programme and that you're staying as strong as possible, even if it's a struggle. Nothing worth having comes easy. You've done the right thing.

queenoftheknight · 09/01/2015 10:28

Of course you miss him. They are not horrible all the time.

I was dreading Christmas, and found the run up distressing....but the peace and fun in my home was a revelation. Even though they can be lovely.....you are always waiting for the next problem, and are always on high alert in case the next ten minutes will be when the abuse starts again, the put downs, the sarcasm....all that, never knowing when it's going to start again, or how bad it's going to be, will it end in A&E..... just waiting, waiting, waiting........

We were not waiting, we were relaxed! We watched what we wanted on the telly, ate what we wanted, slept in late, didn't bother getting dressed...even at all some days! And it was fine, and why shouldn't it be?

But I missed him, he can be very funny, and great company...he also punched me in the face.

Keep going!

queenoftheknight · 09/01/2015 10:31

What can you do now that you couldn't then?

pnutter · 09/01/2015 14:11

Wear what I like..do my hair and make up. Watch TV news. Go to bed early. Play with my dd. Comfort my dd in the night if she wakes. Buy stuff. Call or text friends. Have a lunch break without constant calls.

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pnutter · 09/01/2015 14:20

And not dread him coming home in a bad mood or the constant questioning to set up an argument.

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hesterton · 09/01/2015 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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