DH and my DC don't get on plus DH lazy [sad]

[nowitsenough]

I've nc'ed for this and will try not to give so much information that I out myself ..

I am married to my second dh, I divorced from first dh 20 years ago and have 2 dc from first marriage, 1 dc from current marriage. Dc from first marriage lived some of the time with us, some of the time with my ex dh. Now they are grown up and have left home.

Dh says he loves them, but is very intolerant with them, always has been. To be fair edd was not easy when she was growing up, but dh was very laid back when I met him and had a lot of patience, now he's turned into this grumpy old man, bitter and resentful of others. He whinges about little things, like them not putting stuff away, not bringing cups down from their room. He speaks to them in a tone of voice that gets their back up, he's very condescending and sarcastic, winds them up that way and then doesn't understand when they get angry at him.

Now my ds doesn't want to visit anymore because he doesn't like him (so edd told me the other day). Edd still comes, not often because she lives far away, sparks often fly between them.

On top of that I don't like the man he's become. As I said above, he's grumpy all the time, bitter, miserable, set in his ways. He's lazy and slobby, only showers for work, not for me, and that not often, eats cr*p and puts on weight, doesn't want to do anything much except watch TV and eat. He does nothing around the house, no DIY, not even mowing the lawn unless I nag. I work part time, so do the cleaning and cooking, but don't see why I also have to be in charge of the garden and redecorating etc. He doesn't care about things looking nice. He only wears jeans and geeky tshirts unless at work and tbh I don't find him attractive any more.

I don't feel like having sex anymore and only do it for him to keep him quiet - not that he nags about it, or forces me, just I feel I'm not being fair if I don't. I'm finding my age has affected my body (perimenopausal) and this makes it quite uncomfortable at times, I'm also depressed, taking anti-depressants, which have affected my libido, and tired, so sex is the last thing on my mind, I just want to sleep when I get to bed. He snores loudly too.

I know marriage is meant to be for better or for worse and I too have put on weight and am not judging that he has gained a few stone. He was always big and doesn't see a problem with it.

I don't know what I want. I don't want to put my ydd through a divorce, after seeing the older two struggle with it so much. She loves her dad, even though he does little with her and is struggling to be tolerant with her now she's a teenager.

I only earn approx. £500 a month at present, working from home and even if I worked full time I'd struggle to earn more than £1,000 a month in my job (typist/secretarial) and probably would spend a lot on travelling, as I live in a village. Plus I would need someone to spend time with my dog and walk her too if I was out all day. So I feel I can't afford to leave him. We have little equity in the house and tried selling it recently at a realistic price, but had very few viewers. The mortgage is too expensive for me to pay alone and we have arrears due to dhs employment problems - he was out of work for quite a while and just started a new job recently.

I guess I maybe would get some help, but I think life would be very difficult.

Also I'm scared, just plain scared, to go it alone. I haven't lived alone for so long, I always hated being alone, I'm worried I'll never get out of bed if there's no one but dd there ..

I do regularly see my gp to discuss my depression with her and I think things are improving a little, but my relationship with dh isn't helping matters.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading my long essay!!

[Baytree]

Hi there

Someone better will be along to help you but I didnt want your post to go unanswered. Maybe start by focusing on how you can help yourself rather than all the problems that you see your DH having. (it is easier to change yourself than another person)

Also, if you are dividing up your tasks then you are not really communicating or doing things together. Try one area where you could do something jointly-cook and shop for a saturday night meal, work together in the garden,plan a holiday together, join a class together

You don't say if you do any excersise-join a pilates class/go swimming/walking to help with your wellbeing.

[nowitsenough]

Thanks for your reply.

I do try to get out for a walk every day and hope to start swimming soon - alterations are being made to our leisure centre.

We don't communicate at all tbh. We just sit in front of the TV. I have tried to talk about things in the past, but dh doesn't really join in, so I've given up. It's easier this way, no fights, no arguments. If I mention the problems, it'll be out there and I'll have to do something about it. This way by saying nothing I can pretend everything's ok and keep it as it is if I choose to. I presume he thinks everything's ok, or he would say something?

We do shop together sometimes at the weekend and sometimes we cook together, if I ask him to help.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

A bad marriage is a bad marriage. I don't know how old you are but life expectancy of a woman in the UK is about 80 ... so do the maths. And also factor in that a lot of those years are going to be you sat home with someone you don't like any more while all your DCs... (including the youngest)... carefully avoid coming to see you more than is strictly necessary.

I know it's never as easy as 'LTB' but you've done it before, everyone survived and maybe you need to get some information about finances etc (a solicitor?) to give you some confidence that there are alternatives?

[nowitsenough]

Thanks

Yes, I've done it before, but my dc really suffered because of it and I don't want to put dd through that.

Also current financial situation definitely doesn't allow me to see a solicitor, but I will look into what I would be entitled to now that dh is back at work and dd at school and I have the house to myself.

I think when ydd leaves home I would consider moving out, but not sure whether I can stay put til then ..

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation and that can be very informative. Just because your other DCs suffered the last time you split with a husband, it doesn't necessarily follow that your younger child would as well. You've probably learned from the experience... you're at least 20 years older and wiser... you'd do it differently if you had to do it again

[ReturnfromtheStars]

I wonder if things will improve with DH starting a new job. It's really miserable to be unemployed so he will hopefully be in a much better place and you could love him again.

All the best

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He 'always has been' very intolerant..... It's not the job.

[nowitsenough]

I'm hoping that too, but have to agree with cognito, he's always struggled with the dc.

[nowitsenough]

Yesterday was dhs birthday and ds didn't come over to see him He did text him, but I had to remind him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why did you do that (re reminding him)?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Your children stay away from this man for very good reason. Being scared to go it alone is one thing but being with someone like this man for the rest of your life will ultimately destroy you inside.

[minmooch]

Hate to say it but I'm sure your depression would remarkably lift without this man in your life. Bitter, whinges, miserable, lazy, slobby, doesn't shower - your children have got the measure if him and now you are beginning to see him as he is. He may well turn out to be a better part time Dad and ex-partner than his current full-time lazy miserable role. Don't waste your years sitting silently seething next to someone you, at best, tolerate. I've divorced twice, it can be done.

[nowitsenough]

There are 3 things stopping me from leaving: first my daughter, secondly my financial situation and thirdly I don't know how I feel about dh. Maybe this is just the depression talking. It's a big move to make, I may regret it all my life

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I firmly believe that, when your life draws to a close, it won't be the mistakes you made that you regret. It'll be the opportunities you squandered.

He's already 'intolerant'... (bullying)... your DD now that she's a teenager. When someone grows up with a bully for a parent that they love they can go on to look for similar characteristics in a partner. Because that's what love looks like to them.... Angry, intolerant bullying.

Keep thinking about it

[nowitsenough]

It's silly little things like selling the house, I found it really stressful last time we put it on the market. Moving somewhere new - I work from home and need broadband, but all companies say it takes a couple of weeks to get it up and running. If I can't work, I'll lose my job, as there's no one else to do it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you divorce, it can take a long time before house sales are necessary. Sometimes they're not necessary and couples can manage to keep the family home going for the DCs. Either way it gives you plenty of opportunity to make arrangements for temporary broadband cover should it be required. With respect, I think you're putting up slightly irrational obstacles based on fear. Understandable when considering a big life-changing decision, but probably not going to make your life any better at the same time.

[nowitsenough]

Definitely based on fear ...

I don't think there is any way we could keep the family home going, the mortgage payments are high and income low ... If I stayed in the house I would earn less than the mortgage payment per month! If dh paid the mortgage as a maintenance payment he would barely be able to afford to rent somewhere I imagine.

[minmooch]

Millions of women get divorced and somehow survive - I did, twice. You've done it once and can do it again if you decide your marriage is over. Don't sweat the small things (like broadband) look at the bigger picture (your marriage/life) and make your decisions based on that. Stay in your marriage for love, not because you fear how you will manage.

[Rebecca2014]

I think you know to maintain a relationship with all your children you need to leave your husband. He sounds horrible and do you really want lose your older kids because of him? for this grumpy git?

[nowitsenough]

I think I'm hoping he'll still turn back into the man I fell in love with .. I don't know if I'm ready yet. I think ideally I'll give it another six months and see how it goes, whether working again changes him for the better.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

dh was very laid back when I met him and had a lot of patience, now he's turned into this grumpy old man, bitter and resentful of others.

You mention unemployment, certainly stress of redundancy and then being out of work can affect someone, along with money worries.

Tbh you both sound depressed. I think it can be a spiral, one affected by the other's unhappiness. Somehow you're still keeping the physical side of things going so you can't be completely turned off him.
Apathy can very easily come over as indifference. He might be shocked into responding if you level with him and say you've had enough. You fear voicing it will push you all to a precipice but keeping silent so far hadn't worked either.

If the house is a financial millstone round your necks whether or not you plan to divorce I think when you have the energy put it back on the market.

Don't be put off if the house didn't sell last time you had it up for sale. Look at MN Property pages and don't be disheartened. A different agent alone can make a difference. A fresh coat of paint to lift a room is no bad idea for revitalising the place whether or not you sell.

Incidentally you gave selling your house as an example of a little thing that affected you but it's right up there in the top 3 most stressful things anyone can do...!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

It is hard enough to change just one aspect of your own behaviour; thinking that someone else is going to change is really just an exercise in futility. Such men do not change. The man you are now seeing is the real him, he was "nice" to you long enough to get you emotionally invested.

Another six months of this and him will just do your head in even more. And then you may still not leave or want to leave; you'll be in the same position as you are now. Your inertia simply hurts you.

Would you want any of your children to have a marriage like this; no you would not. But you are currently showing all of them that his ill treatment of you is somehow acceptable to you. Fear as much as anything else keeps you within this.

[nowitsenough]

Yes I think he is depressed to a certain extent, but he has been treating my children this way for years. I thought maybe I was too soft with them and didn't know the correct way to parent (as xdh used to tell me), but I doubt it. I don't know how to describe the way he talks to them, he doesn't shout or abuse them in any way, but he is sarcastic and intolerant. I know when we have argued in the past and he has spoken to me the same way it really wound me up

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

So you really get nothing out of this relationship now.

I am wondering if you actually went onto marry someone not too dissimilar in terms of being emotionally cruel to your ex husband.

And yes he does abuse them emotionally just as he has abused you emotionally for many years. You have basically conditioned yourself now to his comments and abuse. What is your own definition of an abusive relationship; they do not have to just hit you to hurt you.

If he really is depressed then it is down to him to seek proper help for that issue. Do you think that this miserable man is using his emotional state to excuse the fact that he is an arse who is emotionally bullying both you and your children. If you've also had years of this too, staying within this for another six months is really just setting you up for more of the same from him. He is not going to change or have an epiphany.

Your own relationship with your children in many years to come could well become beyond repair because they could well accuse you of putting this man before them. They could well not want to visit you often if at all.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have rewritten one of my sentences:-

I am wondering if you actually went onto marry someone not too dissimilar in terms of being emotionally cruel LIKE your ex husband.

[nowitsenough]

I don't think so At the time I felt he was the exact opposite to my ex, caring, loving, fun.