sat here in tears what do i do for the best my partner and my daughters just don't get on!!!

[yummmymummy1]

ok so its 7.30am the kids are in bed and my partner has just left for work and im glad after spending 2 weeks hauled up in the house playing referre and feeling like the worst mother in the world!!

my partner of 6 years and my daughter just dont get on ( more on his part) shes going through the stroppy little madame stage but hes always on her case he only ever seems to speak to her to tell her off shes started spending literally all her time at home in her room, we have 2 kids 2 and 4 together and then my 10 year old who calls him dad we have been together since she was 3 1/2 she know hes not her father but has always been dad she has no contact with her real dad. but he seems to treat her like shes not part of the family all the time and its breaking my heart ive been looking for houses to rent and am serious considering just taking all 3 of them and leaving as i have 3 kids not 2 my heart is torn though as he is a fantastic dad to the other 2 and they absolutely dote on him. im not entirely sure i even love him any more i mean how can i when hes making my daughter feel so shitty. shes started acting out at school and shes finding it really hard to socialize with other kids as she thinks they are always judging her but he dosnt see any of this as his fault everything is always my daughters fault. hes got a really bad anger issue and flys off the handle at the slightest thing when ive told him that im leaving he tells me to go then but im not taking the kids we have a joint tenancy and he would refuse to leave as most of the stuff in the house he has bought due to me giving up work to look after his kids i just feel so lousy and like the worst mother in the world how do i get us out of this rut and what damage would it do to the other 2 babys if i take them away from their dad :(

[Eastpoint]

So sorry but you have to protect your daughter, she is vulnerable & needs to come first. for you to buck your strength up.

[BastardGoDarkly]

I think you know what you need to do, so just do it.

Your other 2 will still have their dad, just not in the same house.

Your poor Dd, please go, show her she's important, she's at a crucial age and to continue in this misery could really Fuck her up.

Your oh sounds like a prize twat, good luck love.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"hes got a really bad anger issue and flys off the handle at the slightest thing "

You mean he's a bully. If you're calling it 'anger issues' how he talks to your DD is not in isolation. It doesn't sound like a personality clash which could be resolved with parenting classes or some other way to connect more constructively with a 10yo. If he genuinely has anger issues, it is his responsibility to seek help... if he's a bully he'll do no such thing.

You mention that he 'bought everything in the house'. Does he hold it over you that he earns the money? How does he treat you otherwise? Do you feel able to say and do pretty much anything you please or are you constantly editing what you plan to say in order to avoid another outburst?

Men who despise women often show their true colours when presented with a 'pre-woman' in the form of a challenging little girl....

[yummmymummy1]

im due to get a loan off my local credit union in February if i save my tax credits between now and then im hoping to have enough to just go and rent somewhere i dont want to just take them into a homeless situation either i just feel so shitty as soon as he left this morning i burst into tears with relif hes like Jekyll and hyde one min hes lovely the next hes swearing and shouting i will need to just go though without telling him and then talk to him about it i think he will try and keep my other 2 if i try and do it nicely i would be quit happy to speak to him and say look its not working out i think we should live seperatly you can see the kids whenever you want but i cant live like this anymore but hes not so level headed!!

[yummmymummy1]

yes i do edit everything like we have a car his car i dont tell him if ive picked my sister up or ive been somewhere i think he would disagree with because he will question it i hide everything from people we know like we have the best relationship because i had a really troubled past and since being with him i really have turned my life around and im scared that people will think i have failed again he dosnt hold it against me that hes provided for us but he would rather me leave with the kids with nothing than him just be the bigger man and let me and the kids stay in the house im frightened that because hes the provider if he did refuse to give me the kids back i wouldnt be able to do anything about it

[Joysmum]

What have you done to try to get through to him?

If he didn't have issues with your daughter would you still have doubts about your relationship? Reading this it seems to me like things aren't great anyway?

My DH and DD clash atm and he's her biological dad who wants the relationship I have with her.

I've given up on the nicely nicely approach with him and told him he's the one with the problem. Mind you, I've got the advantage of him being the only one who has issues with her so I've asked him straight out why he thinks this might be and then reinforced that how he is with her isn't working and he'll push her away if he doesn't change his approach.

I had the same thing with my dad for a while when I was a child. DH and DD are so similar, I was very like my dad and had the same thing.

I've told DH to quit being negative with her, let me take care of the disciplin (if I'd ask her to do something, he'd needlessly wade in and critique her) and he's to continue with just being positive. That way he can watch how I do it and she can enjoy being with him again.

[MissYamabuki]

Sorry you are going through this. You sound really caring and like you only want what's fair for your kids. It must be very hard for your DD to be treated like that (and to see her siblings treated better) by the man she calls dad.

I agree with other posters that it's crucial to act now. If the personality snapshot you give is accurate (he's told you to go on and leave, has anger issues, lacks empathy and insight and is happy to favour some children) then you won't damage the children by leaving and taking them with you, quite the opposite.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"since being with him i really have turned my life around and im scared that people will think i have failed again "

Anyone who thinks that leaving an abusive relationship and saving children from bullying is failure is not worth bothering about. Who would these 'people' be?

[yummmymummy1]

i don't know i dont know if i am resenting him more and more because of this issue so every little thing he does i now magnify because its upsetting me so much or if he really is just an out n out idiot i mean i would love to think that if this issue was resolved and he listened to me would things be a lot better between us,,, i have said what joysmum has suggested i told him i will be the discipline giver and he should work on having a better fun relationship with her he seems to agree then nothing ever changes cogitoergo by people i mean my family and friends nobody really knows whats happening as ive tried to hide it from everyone so it would be a total shock to everyone if i just left although like you say i dont need to explain my reasons to people if its what i thinks best for the kids i just don't want to do anything drastic if it can be fixed and we can all be happy together again i think im going to try and have one big last talk with him and give him some ultimatums and make sure he realizes that im being deadly serious with what i say!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"if this issue was resolved and he listened to me would things be a lot better between us"

That's the emotional abuse trap. If you're holding out hoping to find some kind of magic key to unlock a happy relationship, a bully (not an idiot btw) is going to exploit the crap out of your naivety... Sorry to be blunt but the truth is they are listening & they understand very well what's going on, but they work on the basis that if they make enough threats (like taking the kids) you'll be too insecure to do anything serious. I'd also point out that if you lay down an ultimatum, you have to be 100% prepared to follow through.

You need to start taking someone among your family or friends into your confidence and tell them what's going on. Also get information from agencies like CAB, solicitors or even Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 about the reality of being independent. By hiding the truth of what's happening and making no plans, all you're really doing is covering up for his bad behaviour and closing down your options. This also plays into his hands because I would bet my life savings that his 'anger issues' do not extend beyond the front door of your home. Like a lot of bullies, I expect others think he's a great guy

[Auriga]

Your two younger children are being harmed as well, by living in a home where their sister (and, by the sound of it, their mother) is being bullied. The anger will be affecting them badly and intimidating them even though it isn't directed at them. He can't really be a great Dad to them while being horrible to your DD and to you. So by protecting your older daughter you'll be protecting them too.

[yummmymummy1]

Your right everyone thinks he's lovely thanks for all the support I'm going to make sure that I have some money saved we have somewhere to go and just do it like you said I think I'm just looking for the magic key he's never gong to change in reality I know this is true I just do t want the kids to hate me for taking them
Away from their dad but I think my eldest would be so relived if we did leave

[TheHoneyBadger]

nothing of much use to add but the other thing is that the younger may purely be protected by being younger - when they get a bit bigger and more opinionated or individualised they too might feel his wrath iyswim.

good luck.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You wouldn't be taking them away from their Dad. Co-parenting means that he'd carry on sharing the responsibility for their care in a practical and financial sense. They'd have Dad but he'd simply live in a different place.

What screws up children is not the number of homes their parents occupy but the atmosphere in those homes. If living independently means no more shouting, no more bullying and no more being frightened to admit to using the car to pick up a relative.... then your children will flourish.

On the 'great guy' comment, I'm going to backpedal slightly. :) There will probably be someone in your circle of friends or family that has their doubts about him. They may have seen the mask slip at some point. It is worth asking someone you trust what they really think of your partner.... tell them to be really honest.

[yummmymummy1]

Yes I do we actually had words last night he was doing my 4 year old homework with her and she got ink on her pjs and he started going on saying can't you do anything right!!!!! She didn't react but I heard it and called him out n guess what I was in the wrong again

[FunkyBoldRibena]

my family and friends nobody really knows whats happening as ive tried to hide it from everyone

So be honest, to yourself and to them. He is a bully, at best.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

She didn't react

Not on the outside, probably too scared to.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"guess what I was in the wrong again"

Is it sinking in that you will never be in the right?

[Joysmum]

In that case I'd go down the ultimatum line, although if you don't think he'll change and this isn't a phase and neith you nor your kids are benefitting from the relationship then I think you know the answer

[GlitzAndGigglesx]

He sounds nasty. Who says that to a 4 year old . And the way he treats your elder dd is just wrong. You all deserve better

[ruddygreattiger]

I think you bursting into tears with relief that he has gone to work speaks volumes, op. You are under enormous pressure to be the peacekeeper and youmust feel totally drained by it. I do feel enormous sympathy for your dd and I will admit sometimes my dh gets negative and critizices my dd(same age as yours) over petty, insignificant things and I will tell him to stop being a grumpy sod (not in front of dd obviously!) and he does listen. Having said that my dh doesnt have anger issues and maybe that is something your dp could address with counseling? Either way you sound desperately unhappy and your kids deserve a happy mum, if that involves leaving him then so be it.
The overall gist of your post gives the impression you are open to ending the relationship and I hope that as and when you do all of your children will be much better off without the toxic atmosphere. Good luck, op

[yummmymummy1]

Thank you all for listening and your advice I feel a lot better already the atmosphere is the worst part of it all I'm constantly anxious if we are all in the same room it's not healthy and it has to stop whatever method I choose in the end it's not going to carry on xx

[FunkyBoldRibena]

What is the house situation? Rented/mortgage/ in whose name?

[yummmymummy1]

It's rented joint tenancy if it was just mine I would just bloody kick him out n be done with it but he won't leave

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Then you're going to have to take the initiative, contact the landlord, explain that the relationship has ended and ask them to serve notice. Or you'll have to talk to the Housing Department and ask for temporary accommodation due to relationship breakdown. BTW I'm glad you've realised that your DD is not a ... what did you call her.... a stroppy little madame?