Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
help. husband leaving. need advice(38 Posts)
I have found myself in the situation that my husband is leaving me. A few weeks ago he told me that he's not in love with me anymore and that he wants more out of life. We decided to get Christmas out of the way first but now he's definitely going. We are best friends but not great husband and wife. We have three children who will be fine I know as they will come first.
I don't know what is going to happen now. We have a joint mortgage and I've looked on the internet to see what benefits I will get if he goes. Has anyone gone through this recently - what happens when they leave - do these benefits kick in quickly so that I can pay the mortgage and stay here? Eventually we'll need to sell the house so that we can both share the equity - what happens then - can I get a mortgage if I'm on benefits?? I just want me and the kids to be sorted.
I feel very calm at the moment and really do want to stay great friends with him. Im so sad that this has happened but don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me.
My first thought is that you need to start distancing yourself from him. Get legal advice, on your own. Do the researching for benefits, on your own. I say this partly for practical/privacy reasons and partly (you know what I'm going to say) just in case a surprise new girlfriend suddenly appears.
Don't put your desire to stay great friends ahead of protecting your children's home and financial security. (Have you both researched how much he'll need to pay towards his children?).
Yes I've looked at how much childcare he should pay and he's happy to support us financially but won't be able to fully support us and rent a place at the same time.
Believe me, I've thought about the other woman option and I do believe him that there isn't anyone else (might come back to bite me). I actually think he's having done kind of middle crisis.
I am going to go to get some advice - without him in the next few days.
Lovely to talk to someone so thank you for replying x
Others will come along to support you soon, and they'll be a lot better at than me I would just say to keep posting and continue to get advice or just hand-holding support through the ups and downs.
When is he moving out? How are you "separating" your lives before then?
He's not moving out until ive sorted the benefits situation out I guess! And he's found somewhere to rent. Until then we are just plodding along as normal. He first told me about two weeks ago and we've carried on as normal - probably says something that we've hardly noticed the difference - we are a great team and great parents but have little to do with each other apart from the kids. They are my world so I'm Happy but he wants more!
How old are the children? do you work? What equity do you have between you - equity in the house, savings, pension? how much does your dh earn?
If you are a sahm I am afraid you have to accept that things are going to change - your DH still has responsibility towards the children but he doesn't have responsibility towards you, and the money coming in now isn't going to cover separate lives for the two of you.
That's why I'm so worried. I am a stay at home mum and kids are 7, 6 and 2. Husband has a good wage (over 40, 000). If we sell the house I'll get a good 70, 000 equity but will I be able to get a mortgage when my only income will then just be benefits? I will go back to work when my youngest is at school.
I've been where you are, and I'm so sorry. The first thing you must do is put all household bills in your name, but ask your H to help towards them. If bills are in your name, you will be able to claim tax credits and they will pay pretty quickly.
You probably won't be able to claim benefits while he's still living there as you'll have no way to prove you're not a couple.
Assistance with mortgages is difficult unfortunately, as things like housing benefit are only applicable for people who rent. But if you're not working at all and you've got young children then you might be entitled to things like tax credits and income support (and obviously maintenance from ex).
Websites like entitledto and turn2us have calculators you can use that will give you an idea of what you can claim.
Benefits can take a while to kick in though I believe.
As for when you sell the house, it's tricky again as there are certain benefits that are means tested and if you have assets of over £16k (so if you sell the house and have more than that in equity) it can then render you ineligible.
Thank you everybody. That's all great advice. I think we might take a morgage break on our current morgage to allow him to move out and then I can get things sorted, that might be the best option. O have done the benefits calculator and it comes up with quite a lot - around 19, 000 so I think that might be enough. It's all a huge task and very overwhelming!
You may find you can stay in the former marital home until the youngest dc is 18 and then you sell the home or buy out your ex share
It may not be a simple 50:50 split as you will most probably be primary carer for DC and have been meaning your income is lower and will be and your pension will be very low - so you may either split your ex pension or possibly negotiate a larger share of the property instead or something along those lines
You will get 25% of the non residents parents net income as maintenence or should do and it is probably financaly better to work 16 hours per week and get tax credits, but look at entitltedto dot com for further figures
Sorry this is happening
Thank you. I think I need to get to citizens advice and get the ball rolling. It all seems so complicated but at the moment I am not feeling upset, only strong and determined- just hope it lasts!
Do not agree to anything (mortgage holidays etc) before you have sought (independant of your H) legal and financial advice.
You will not be able to get a mortgage on your own without a substantial deposit and income, don't move out if the family home whilst you are looking after the children.
I wouldn't risk that at all, you could end up renting and that is very expensive.
Seek financial and legal advice before you agree anything at all.
Believe me life will be a lot harder for you initially so don't be worrying about how he's going to live, you will be housing and providing for 3 children, he will be doing that for himself.
I would go to a solicitor and seek an independent financial advisor.
Cab can give very basic advise, finance is very important and can alter your relationship with your dh if you feel it's not fair. You will only have an amicable break up if you don't end up getting screwed.
I wouldn't bother with CA to be honest - just see a solicitor,many will give you 30 mins for free and you will need one anyway.
I agree with PP, your best bet here is a mesher order so you can stay in the house until youngest child is 18. Otherwise, DH will just buy another home and you will spend your equity on rent - you won't get housing benefit until the equity is nearly all gone.
If this means DH has to buy/rent a smaller place than he would like or share then that is tough. The courts will look at what is best for the children, and the taxpayer. Better for the DC and the tax payer that you stay where you are and don't claim HB.
Don't feel too sorry for DH. He has his reasons for leaving doesn;t he and I am sure it will all become clearer over time.
Olgaga has a brilliant blog about separation:
My understanding is generally mesher orders aren't given often these days as it leaves the parent with care pretty destitute when the children are adults.
Chances are you would be looking at around 70% of the total assets of the marriage as you have small children.
Oh god. It all seems so official. I was hoping we could sort everything out ourselves but looks like it's better to go down the official solicitor avenue. I will read that big now and thanks again for all your advice x
Hopefully everything will be open tomorrow for you to get some good legal advice, although I suspect citizens advice might not reopen till Monday.
He's probably had a good six months of thinking time to sort out in his head what he wants to do, where he wants to be and like Vivacia I always think...cherchez la femme!
My ex when he finally let kept up the bills but then began torturing me by slowly cutting them off one by one without warning.
So, just a word of warning, even the most amicable of splits and ours wasn't can start nice and turn ugly so get advice for you.
As a previous poster mentioned you will have four mouths to feed so you need everything you are entitled to . You can't trust your husband to play nice. It's the old survival instinct kicking in.
I'm glad you are so strong and positive but do expect a few wobbles when he goes. Even if the marriage has run its course there will still be sadness that it didn't fulfill it's earlier promise. So do look out for that. Mum had a friend who gave us the impression she was only tolerating her second husband. She talked of leaving him often, slept on the sofa when they had a row, yet carried on something terrible when he died and how she hated his empty side of the bed. I had to give my head a shake, i really did.
Good luck to you and I hope the split stays amicable and you come off better than expected.
So sorry OP. I agree - prepare yourself for an OW. Do not trust anything he says, he is no longer your friend. Get yourself a SHL and get your benefits and maintenance claim in now.
I've been thinking about this all morning. It's just fucking crazy, isn't it?
Firstly, selling up and splitting everything 50-50 sounds fair doesn't it? But then you realise that actually, what's considered legally fair is the parent with main childcare responsibility gets to keep the family home and is entitled to more than 50. And it's funny, that the person who has been thinking about this and researching and planning for months actually comes up with the 50-50 split and "let's do this amicably, without lawyers".
Secondly, how do some parents just decide they're going to move out and get to opt out of all of those commitments and responsibilities to the children?
I don't think you can get anything for a mortgage, can you? You can claim housing benefit for rent, but not for a mortgage.
There are five of you - 4/5 will live together but have 1/2? Is that what he's suggesting?
I would hope you could stay in the house until youngest leaves education - but it doesn't always work out like that sadly.
Hence the need for a fabulous lawyer. Gloves are off now sadly. So sorry OP.
No I wouldn't get housing benefit but would b
Get income support and a few other things that come to about £19, 000 a year. I innitially put more into the house so once I have taken that equity out we would split the rest Yes. I know I would have the kids most of the time but he would still have them as much as possible so would need a good place for them to stay. He will still be giving me a good portion of his wage so I do see splitting the house equity 50:50 as fair. He has afterall been the one paying it for the last 9 years.
I will definitely get legal advice though - I don't want to screw him over but will definately make sure that mine and the kids life doesn't change financially .
Join the discussion
Please login first.