DP is from the other side of the world. We're expecting a baby together in a few months (not the first for either of us but our first together), and DP's dad has told us he will be coming to meet his new grandchild around the time baby's due/the early weeks afterwards. And I don't want him to.
I do plan to have my mum over loads in the early weeks/months, because she's completely non-judgmental, will be really helpful with cooking and cleaning, and will be an empathic shoulder to cry on when it all gets a bit much. I won't mind sitting in front of her in my pyjamas, boobs out, no make-up, baby blues – letting it all hang out. She'll just be a fab support, as she was when I had DS.
But I've met DP's dad only three times. He's not said anything about coming over to help; he's coming to meet baby. He's fundamentally a nice man, but he is full-on. When he has stayed twice before, it's put quite a strain on DP and I, because we get virtually no time together for weeks at a time. He talks forever and is quite judgy, and FIL needs to be kept busy, which means either DP keeping him entertained whilst on paternity leave (which is surely to support me/get to know baby), DP taking annual leave to keep Dad entertained (and we need to bank this leave for school holidays and a build project we're working on), or me keeping FIL entertained in the early weeks – nightmare.
This time, FIL doesn't plan to stay with us but with a close relative of DP's ex-wife, who he built a good rapport with when she and DP were still together. So on the one hand, he won't actually be staying here - a plus. The problem is, DP's ex-wife has caused us so much stress and upset, and even though FIL won't be staying here, I feel on edge thinking about him relaying the ins and outs of how we're getting on with baby back to DP's ex's family; that makes me feel pretty vulnerable and exposed at a private time. Plus, even with not staying here, he'll be over for hours at a time every day, and I'll feel under pressure to be up, dressed, on good form, awake – all when I might feel sore, like sleeping when the baby's sleeping, tearful and hormonal.
I've talked to DP about how I feel, and he's close to his dad and says he'll need support too – and I'll be having my mum over lots after all. But I don't think it's the same. And, without wishing to sound like a diva, I think it is a lot about me here: it's my body, my recovery, me trying to establish breastfeeding, me riding the hormonal rollercoaster. I think I should be able to say what I'm comfortable with and decide who comes and when.
AIBU? FIL will get on and book up flights any day now – there's no "Does this plan work with you guys?"; he sent me a message just yesterday saying he's looking forward to meeting baby in a few months. He has also told us he'll be visiting friends in Europe too beforehand. On this basis, and so as not to hurt him, would it be mean to suggest he just comes across to us for a few days? Otherwise, it'll be potentially weeks of him and I'm getting stressed just thinking about it - so not helpful with relaxing in preparation for birth/avoiding PND!
Any advice would be really welcome. Thanks.
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Relationships
AIBU to not want FIL from overseas coming to visit immediately after baby born?
Frugal15 · 26/12/2014 13:17
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