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Practical tips of how to leave my husband?

(42 Posts)
Happyandsimple Tue 23-Dec-14 03:07:21

I am not here to bore you with a sob story.
I need practical tips and ideas, of how to rebuild my confidence,self-esteem become more independent in myself, to leave my husband. and realistic people to contact etc regarding certain barriers to leaving.

Does citizen advice have information?

Please don't bother with " get a divorce" let me get out the house first!
I cant deal with "just go to a refuge" ( Thats fine if that the steps you need to take, I'm not a refuge snob, there amazing , stayed in there twice growing up) please don't get the wrong end of the stick with my harshness its 2.42am. I have been crying all night. and enough is enough.

Please don't overwhelm me with things to far in the future.

I want to leave my husband.

I am very reliant on him for everything, I have 2 jobs and study, we have little kids.

We own a home, if i moved out with the kids, will there be any help to perhaps get a flat? I know you cant if you own property they want you to sell it but i cant wait till then? The reason I cant go very far from were I am is the person I am caring for needs me close ( Cant stay at theres with the kids, no room due to there equipment/machine (health related) so i cant go to a refuge as they wont be in the area. I have a friend ( she doesn't know my situation, but she left her husbands put all her stuff in storage stayed at her mums for abit to see what help she was able to get as her mums was crowded, she had to move back home because they wouldn't help her till she sold her house which would take time) Thats the only thing I have heard, not really looked into it as I don't know were to look.

What about my 2 jobs? 2 Little kids trying to move out, what will I do? I can't not go, but how do I manage to move with all that going on? Is there a better time to move out? Perhaps next Holidays when I have some days off together?

Is there things I can do to prepare to be a single mum? I have started driving the kids to nursery first thing before work ( don't laugh) I know I am pathetic. but trying to do more things myself. as he usually drops them off. Just so when it happens its less of a shock. I am scared I won't cope on my own.

Can I have contact details of people to contact?

( Dont bother with womens aid, I have been ringing them and they are very busy, and cant get through.)

Any ideas to make myself self sufficient again?

Any ideas to cope with things while planning to get out? Just make things peaceful? I'm already trying to not ask questions , because one question leads to " your complaining" "give it a rest" "stop" "no one cares" " I don't care" " I'm not listening" .. when its the first thing I've said that day. ( Again petty , but I am a sensitive little soul.Just need tips how to not let things get to me? Let it go over my head, with the end insight.

I am really not in the situation with the whole " leave with nothing" because I am staying in this area to care for a family member.

Again, I am not being a brat, I understand the tone of my post is not acceptable for a first post but i haven't got much time. as he is home in 3 hours. Please accept my apology for not doing an introduction.

I just need practical help. real ideas, I sit here scrolling the internet, typing my question in Google, to see what advice other people have given other women in my situation. it left me wanting to stay put. because the advice was " get a divorce" woah im not there yet " sell the house". yes but i need to get my head right" " get out now while you can" okay can you give me some tips to feel confident enough to leave? It really isn't the case of put one foot in front of the other. and please don't say " do this for your kids" because if you knew how hurtful that was to someone who does everything for there kids. I am trying , that's why I am here, so don't make me feel bad. Let me have this one safe place that I don't have to run from.

Disclaimer, kids are safe and well, and nothing happens around them.

I cant cry any more. I cant keep waking up saying "im leaving" and not doing anything.. I know I can do this, but tiny steps, as I am so lost. If i had the money id move out right now and get a little place. simple. quiet peaceful. no more egg shells.

* I am not expecting you to solve my problems for me. Please dont say anything negative, I know I put myself out there so I should be prepared for what I get, but please someone just try and help.

A list is always helpful. Also , I'm not isolated, I have friends, I work, so its not how it seems, He is isolated, has no friends, refuses to make any because he says I am all I need. He is the one that moved here and has no one. So I have huge guilt for wanting to leave.

Oreocrumbs Tue 23-Dec-14 03:24:08

I'm really not very good at this sort of stuff but I'm here and will try and help.

You said the children are safe, but are you? If he does something to you, do you feel able to phone the police and get them to arrest him?

Practically, collect together or make copies of all paperwork, passports etc and get them moved to a safe place should the situation change and you do need to get out quickly.

There are brilliant posters here who have so much experience and will be along later, they will be able to give you better advice than me. If you are able to keep checking back. Remember to log out of your account and clear your history of things you have been looking into.

whatsagoodusername Tue 23-Dec-14 04:10:34

Sorry, I also don't know much but bumping hopefully for you.

Are you safe? I know you said the children are, but are you?

Have you got access to your own money - your own accounts that he can't see your building up? If not, can you start squirrelling it away somewhere?

Is the house in joint names/his/yours? What would happen if you asked him to leave? Again, I don't know, but if you have the children with you, I believe you're more likely to be given use of the marital home in a divorce.

Start gathering paperwork - all the financials, the passports, anything important.

Good luck to you. Making the decision is the hardest and you've done that.

wallaby73 Tue 23-Dec-14 04:13:07

Others will come along with better advice, but can i say you don't sound rude or the tone unacceptable, you sound urgent.....and although you don't feel it, you are ballsy. Yes you bloody are! brilliant first post i say, although bourne out of awful circumstances. Keep reading and posting, the collective MN will help you x

ThomasMaraJrsSubpoena Tue 23-Dec-14 04:13:20

It sounds like it's all on top of you, and you're so overwhelmed you can't see the separate problems in the big swirling cloud. But do try to separate the issues as best you can.

It's difficult Googling this because how do you even form a question that is going to give you decent results?

I'm afraid I'll have to suggest you keep trying WA: they can be pretty busy, but they do get to people. The best part about them is they're a "one stop shop" and can guide you with everything else: benefits, refuge, practical advice.

I hadn't heard that a refuge has to be outside your area; perhaps you can get into one that's not too bad for links?

The only specific thing I can add is, you're caring for someone: can the council or a carers' charity take that over temporarily at least?

PurpleWithRed Tue 23-Dec-14 04:58:41

Can you explain exactly what's stopping you, what kind of advice you need? It sounds as if you are looking for two things - practical advice on where to go and how to manage as a single mum, and emotional advice on how to pluck up the confidence to do the deed.

Practically, talk to citizens advice bureau and to the local council about housing. I take it you'd never get him to leave? If he is abusing you could you go to the police? Do you have savings? Concentrate on a plan to move out and maybe when you can see that's possible you will feel more confident about actually doing it.

Jingalingallnight Tue 23-Dec-14 07:17:40

Is there a reason why he can't leave? If you own your own home, ideally you and the children would stay there until the divorce is through and what happens with the house is sorted during the divorce settlement. Even if it is eventually sold, it gives you some time to adjust to being on your own in the meantime.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 23-Dec-14 07:50:00

What a ghastly situation. I lived with my soon-to-be-ex for two years whilst waiting for the divorce and house sale to go through, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. In hindsight it wasn't the only way I could have done things, but it was the only way I saw at the time. (There was no way he would leave and no legal way to make him leave.) It is really hard to see the wood when you're up to your neck in those damn' trees. Once you've got a plan, though, it'll all seem more hopeful. I kept a set of cutlery I'd got as a freebie in an upper cupboard just to remind myself that one day I would have my own house, and would get it out every now and then just to look at, while having a private cry. I was in that bad a state. I finally got out six years ago and, at the time of writing, have reclaimed most of my sanity!

Citizens Advice have some clear, helpful written guides around the subject, for example this one. I also searched a number of solicitors' websites which gave general advice on the whole separation thing.

With two children, two jobs and caring responsibilities, it's no wonder you're overwhelmed. One thing I wondered was whether you are the only one who can care for the person you're looking after. You don't have to say anything about it here, I'm not asking you to "justify" it to me or the virtual jury, just to think about whether there is a way round you being tied to the area, rendering refuges a non-option. If it's your mum or someone similar then you probably couldn't bear to step back even if, practically, you could. If it's one of your husband's relatives you owe them a different duty; making arrangements for someone else to care for them would suffice. That sort of consideration.

Dashing off to work now but - good luck - you can and will do this. You've taken the most difficult step, though it may not feel like it at the moment: deciding to end it. The rest is logistics. Not easy, but it will work out, honestly.

Happyandsimple Tue 23-Dec-14 09:47:47

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate you all not feeling my tone was rude.

Ladies please dont mention things like police etc. I will not get him forcibly removed . etc. Or arresting anyone.

Today, I am exhausted at work, as you know he returned home. and by 6:30 we were already arguing, He is so suffocating, i was already late for work and he wouldn't let me leave, and even came out into the street with no shoes on holding our son. I guess he didn't want me to drive crying my eyes out which is fair enough. I had to beg him to go back inside and let me go. as we had one child inside.

I cried the whole journey. Now I am half asleep because I am jus tso cried out.

Oreo Crumb,Whatsagoodyoursername- I appreciate the support, thank you. You don't have to contribute advice, just knowing people are listening, and here. so close to Christmas when people should be busy with there family, its very touching. and I appreciate it.

Happyandsimple Tue 23-Dec-14 09:53:35

Whatsagoodusername- despite me working 2 jobs 50 hours a week. I have not a penny to rub together, because every penny I had including my savings went on bailing him out for debts and things. I pay for the kids nursery etc. He pays for morgage and some bills.

Please forgive me for not saying everyone names I may respond all blured together. Making limited sense, because I am trying to be vague enough not to be identified.

I am looking after my mother, wow guys you are amazing, I really thought that wasnt obvious, so I must be more careful.

Last time I 'threatened' as he likes to call it. To leave. he offered my mother an organ. so obviously i felt guilty he did the tests, soon as i decided i cant leave a man who is so selfless. that disappeared.

The real truth is. I cant be 100places at once. No one else can look after my mum. I have an alarm system fitted for when I am at uni she can press it if needing someone. But with my husband being around during the day there was an emergency and she could have died if she waited for them to turn up she rung my husband. he stopped the bleeding. and she was fine. I was at uni and wouldn't have got back intime.

I then decided i couldnt ever leave him after that..

So again.., I sucked it up. So there is alot of guilt surrounded by my situation to end this. Not just my well being, but I feel so miserable.

Wallsy- I sound balsy hehe wow , I like that! Your right I dont feel it but thats nice to hear.

Happyandsimple Tue 23-Dec-14 09:54:27

Please bare with me, I will reply to everyone when I can, I finish this job at 4pm, then I start my second job at 6pm till 11:30pm You will hear from me through out the day ( you poor people!)

Happyandsimple Tue 23-Dec-14 09:55:09

He wouldn't leave 2 ocassions I asked him to leave he said , I should go, then the last time, he said " I'l look into it' he wont ever leave on his own.

Happyandsimple Tue 23-Dec-14 09:58:21

Purple with red- Nosavings, no I can't explain exactly whats stopping me if what I have said so far doesnt seem to be a reason, to be honest hun. I cant just put my 2 jobs on hold andf my caring dutys etc, I havent got enough hours in the day,, or any money to go anywere at this very second. Not 2 pennys, I work every hour God sends. I sleep for 2 hours start my day, in 8 days I have had 1 day off work. Were in there do I have a second to pack my bags and leave , before its time for my next duty? This is why im so over welmed. and I just feel stuck in jail, accept I'm not, like it seems It looks like I could leave anyday, I have my own car, I am a confident woman. Yet here I am.

Happyandsimple Tue 23-Dec-14 09:59:37

I could save in my own bank account. But I haven't got any money to save. I have no skills to make things to sell, but maybe I can get a third job, so that way I wont be just working to survive, I might have something spare then.

GaryBaldy Tue 23-Dec-14 10:00:55

Sorry I have no advice just wanted to say you are very brave. It sounds like your life is very demanding as it is with all your responsibilities not to mention the difficult decisions about your future.

Happyandsimple Tue 23-Dec-14 10:01:09

I feel like running away, i dont need to know anything about divorce settlements, and really I couldn't care less about this house sad

Happyandsimple Tue 23-Dec-14 10:01:48

Anygetyourgun- Hello, thanks somuch for sharing your story, I will reply to your post, on my next break xx

YouCanDoItNow Tue 23-Dec-14 10:03:43

I've been where you are now so I get it totally and won't overwhelm you.

Do you have a credit card and your birth certs and your passports. Put them in a nappy bag with enough supplies to last you 36 hours or so and then hang the bag on the back of the buggy and walk out the door.

Now I know I was lucky, I went to my Mum's house, but I did have to go to the airport and book flights and I knew the credit card bill would go to his house and remain there unpaid. (I did settle it eventually) but anyway, walk out the door and go somewhere otherwise it'll never happy. Wishing you strength and contentment. But it all worked out in the end. x

YouCanDoItNow Tue 23-Dec-14 10:06:46

I walked away knowing I'd never see a penny's return on the investment I'd put in to the house and it was still the best thing I ever did.

I'd already spent years battling with that man, not for anything big, just a few simple considerations. I wanted to be free from him.

ocelot7 Tue 23-Dec-14 10:12:58

2 jobs & uni & kids is an awful lot for anyone! Before factoring in yr situation…. It is good you have a bit of a break from uni (but probably got assessments to do over the holiday?). Being pragmatic, you can't do anything like yr best in these circs so you could temporarily withdraw from or defer yr course so that you continue when you are in a better place. Please let yr course team know you are having difficulties - you shouldn't have to give much detail. flowers

YouCanDoItNow Tue 23-Dec-14 10:13:22

anniegetyourgun sad you taking out the cutlery set just to remind yourself you'd have your own place one day. That strikes a chord with me.

LittleDonkeyLeftie Tue 23-Dec-14 13:40:17

OP I think you will have to instigate divorce proceedings so that you can get a financial order in place, which would probably end up with you staying in the marital home, and DH having to move out until youngest child is 18, then you sell. His name would stay on the mortgage but he would have to leave. It's called a mesher order.

Have you seena solcitor? That is the best practical advice anyone can give you. You say you don't need to know about divorce settlements and don't care about the house but what about your DC? If you can easily earn enough to buy/rent another home without it affecting them then yes, you should just leave and do that - otherwise you would be foolish to not at least speak to a solcitor. YOu don't have to take their advice but it will give you a far better idea of your practical options.

you sound terribly confused and distressed and I am worried you are not thinking straight.

Happyandsimple Tue 23-Dec-14 15:03:33

Im thinking straight. Im managing to run a home work 50hrs a week and care for my mum and still get on, if i wasnt thinking straight i would just stay under my covers and forget everything. I just ment i dont care about the house for the momment, inhavent got 400pound to start doing s divorce, thanks for your advice. I am thinking of my dc. Thanks. Sorry i have to laugh, divorce settlement? He hasnt got anything to settle. Thanks anyway guys, all great advice. Just i guess still not the right tme,

Happyandsimple Tue 23-Dec-14 15:07:01

Question: it will be hard for me working two jobs with the kids when i move out, i know you dont qualify for anything if you leave your job is that right? How would i go about it?

Happyandsimple Tue 23-Dec-14 15:08:55

I finaly got through to womans aid, sat in my car on my lunch break, she was amazing, i cried and cried like never before , i was very shocked that she really thinks his behavour is awful and abuse, i thought it was me over reacting . She said i should ring back... i will.

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