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Am I over-thinking things? Or is instinct always right?

(33 Posts)
wonderingstar01 Sat 20-Dec-14 16:22:48

I'm not really sure if DPs behaviour this week has opened my eyes to his real personality or whether things are just getting on top of me.

Due to an accident, I've had severe back problems for more than a year now and this weekend we were supposed to be travelling 4 hours each way to visit DPs adult DD in order to give her a xmas present. I haven't been able to put any weight down on my leg for 4 days without suffering real bad spasms which render me completely immobile.

All week DP has been making comments about me "putting it on", "not wanting to go there anyway" etc. even telling my 13 yo DD that "he'd put money on it that I wouldn't go this weekend". He's treated my problem with complete oblivion and I've been putting on a face telling him I'd leave it to the last minute to decide if I could travel or not. The best of it is if this was a trip I'd organised to go away with friends, he'd have been telling me all week that I was stupid to go, that I'd mess up my Xmas, that I should get as much rest as possible etc.

Yesterday he came back from work to tell me he'd booked me a chiropractor appointment so I duly went. He gave me acupuncture and said I had an inflamed nerve at the base of my spine which should get better within a few days but that I should avoid vacuuming (easy), shopping and sitting for long periods. Now given that we were travelling 4 hours, staying in a hotel and planning to go Xmas shopping, I told DP it was insane for me to even try going and that he should go alone. The fact I can't walk played the biggest part!!

He's sulked all week but went alone on the basis his DD has commitments (a horse) so it was unfair to expect her to travel to us. He isn't going to give her a present as such, just money which could have been wired. My DD is away with friends - although she did say I should call her anytime if I wanted her home and she would ask her friends mum to bring her back. I've felt really low today, not just with the physical pain but being here on my own. I don't want to involve any of my friends as I feel that would be weak and I don't have any family apart from DD.

DP and I are planning to get married next year but this week has put a spotlight on his selfish and controlling behaviour. I hadn't noticed before that he always has some "better" way of doing everything - why do I make a dish this way, why not have a bath later in the evening, why watch a movie I've seen before, why, why, why …… not do it his way. He's also making my back problem all about him - how it's affecting his life, how we can't do anything together, how he can't plan anything, how he was really looking forward to this weekend.

He's been on the phone 3 times to say how guilty he feels about leaving me here on my own but he still went. Really, that's only part of the problem. He's detected in my voice that I'm not happy and the truth of it is that I've cried most of the day but am not sure if that's because I'm feeling really sorry for myself. I just want to tell him to fuck off but don't have the strength to do it.

Windywenceslas Sat 20-Dec-14 16:26:27

I'm sorry that you're in pain and couldn't go, but are you really upset that he went to visit his DD before Xmas? That sounds really selfish to me.

He shouldn't be accusing you of putting it on, but at the same time, if you can't do certain things you can't expect him not to see his DD over Xmas for your benefit.

wonderingstar01 Sat 20-Dec-14 16:30:25

Oh gosh. So off the mark and unnecessary.

GoatsDoRoam Sat 20-Dec-14 16:32:52

I'm not sure there's any "right" or wrong in this situation, just whether you want to stay in this relationship with your DP or not. Or try and talk to him and see if he can change the behaviours you find upsetting.

When you say he could just have wired his DD her gift money rather than go see her in person, I do kind of get why he was moaning ahead of time that you probably wouldn't go: you do sound like you think his daughter is optional.

Yes, his moaning about your back troubles making your life difficult is not great. But it is possible that it is making life difficult for him: can you ask him to be more gracious about it, as it is not something you can do anything about? Will he take that on board.

I don't see enough in your post to write off this relationship, OP, but if you are not happy it it, of course you know that is reason enough.

GoatsDoRoam Sat 20-Dec-14 16:34:14

x-post with wenceslas, but it seems that the same thing jumped out at her as at me there.

MoRaw Sat 20-Dec-14 16:39:24

Sorry OP but why are you resentful of him making a special Xmas visit to his DD? You wanted him to wire the money instead of visit her? Presumably, he will be with you most of the Xmas but you feel he is uncaring for leaving you alone for what? A day or two while he makes a visit to his daughter?

Yes, he should have been more sympathetic but based on your post, I am wondering whether he has cause to think that when it comes to his DD you are not very supportive of him spending time with her. Perhaps that led to him being dubious that your pain is genuinely debilitating.

If you are unsure about your relationship with your partner, then you probably should hold off getting married. As to the things you say indicate that he is selfish and controlling; I say pretty much similar things to my DH and he to me. Take the movie one for instance, that is a question I frequently ask my husband.

trackrBird Sat 20-Dec-14 16:43:22

This isn't instinct, so much as attitude and behaviour laid bare right in front of you.
You are in pain, and instead of helping or encouraging you, he first accused you of putting it on to get out of something (why would you? And why does he ascribe such sly behaviour and poor motives to you? This tells you more about him than you.)

He also acted in complete oblivion to the problem, then booked an appointment that you didn't ask for (apparently?) leaving you with an obligation to go. Finally, still showing no sympathy to you, he complains how your pain has inconvenienced him!

You also say he acts as if he knows better than you about everything ....even what time to have a bath!

I think you would be making a huge mistake if you married him.

wonderingstar01 Sat 20-Dec-14 16:52:45

Can I just nip in the bud that this has absolutely nothing whatsoever about me not wanting his to visit his DD. He refuses to visit her without me - ever. I encourage him to visit her - he never does because he wants our visits to be about me and him having some alone time, I invite her here - she never comes because she thinks it's too far. He isn't allowed to visit her house because her boyfriend hates my DP so we always stay in a hotel. I was actually looking forward to it.

Thank you trackr for your comments. You echo my thoughts exactly.

BrowersBlues Sat 20-Dec-14 17:03:43

Your post comes across as if you are annoyed that he went. You say he rang 3 times to apologise but still went. The one thing that stands out the most for me is that he sulked for a week. I would not recommend that anyone marries someone who sulks for a week.

The reason I can say this is because I married a sulker, long-time ex, thank goodness. There really is nothing as joyless as being married to a sulker. It is self obsession at its purest.

I have a bad back and understand the pain. I hope that you recover soon, it is horrible.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 20-Dec-14 17:07:56

I would give serious thought to your relationship because it seems that he holds the majority of the power/control balance within it here. I would also think twice about marrying such a person.

Sulking is also a very unattractive trait in a person anyway and I think your man has acted in purely his own interests here.

I think your man does not want to leave you at home alone hence his insistence that you always go along with him. His reasons for you doing so are spurious ones.

I would read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft and see how much of that resonates with your relationship now.

How well does this person actually get on with his DD?. She may never visit you perhaps because she cannot actually abide her dad, her own man may well hate him for good reason.

Quitelikely Sat 20-Dec-14 17:15:20

I don't think he needs to apologise for leaving without you

I also think it can be hard living with someone with a chronic back problem

He is allowed to suggest doing things differently isn't he? Why can't he have a voice on things?

I think you are feeling a tad sorry for yourself OP.

In the grand scheme of things I don't think he has done much wrong.

I have a back condition that flares up when sitting in the car on my annual journeys to visit family. It can be helped by a decent cushion and regular stops with 5 minute stops to talk a stretch.

Quitelikely Sat 20-Dec-14 17:17:12

And he was rather nice in booking you into a therapist..........

tribpot Sat 20-Dec-14 17:19:43

I'd be worried about his dd being in a controlling relationship as well - having seen one modelled growing up? Why does the boyfriend hate your DP?

So the visits to his DD are about you being away from your DD? You never visit as a three?

I don't understand what the problem is in him going, why should his DD uproot and come to yours when he'd arranged to visit her there, horse or not? Of course he had to go and visit as planned, unless you need someone else in the house because of your back pain?

Why would it be weak to involve your friends? You're in a lot of pain, you need cheering up.

I do think you are right to question the basis of this relationship, though. It seems as if everything has to be done his way. Why would he phone you three times to say he feels bad about leaving you behind? Is he checking up on you?

Hope your back is better soon.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 20-Dec-14 17:22:17

He has acted purely in his own interests here and disregarded yours. What sort of man accuses you of putting it on re your back problem. If that is the case why did he book a chiropractor appointment for you?. Is because he wants to control every aspect of your life from this to when you take a bath.

Presumably the OP has received some medical attention re her back problem for the last year so he booking an appointment to see a chiropractor was unreasonable and controlling.

He is an appalling example of a stepfather to your DD as well, would you want her to be with someone like this man in the distant future?.

LostOnLand Sat 20-Dec-14 17:28:16

I'm not exactly sure what you wanted to happen this particular weekend - you say you have no issue with him going but you are upset he's left you alone?

Aside from that I have similar problems with pain and mobility (please push for an MRI if you haven't had one, I spent three years in pain and suffer because I waiting too long for surgery). I also have a OH who can be unsympathetic and just forget to consider my health issues. We're married so I've told him he has to accept he's married to a disabled person and adapt or he can leave and find an able bodied partner and have an easier life. He's bucked up since the latest chat without admitting there was a problem. If we can't work together as a team according to our abilities and weaknesses, disabilities in my case, then there is no point being together. You do need to prioritise getting better and doing nothing is sometimes the best way to start recovery, being on your own isn't too bad if you have prepped to make it easy to look after yourself. Make plans to potter a little and catch up on TV, radio, films, books, games you can do while comfortable. I'll be doing this tomorrow while DH takes the kids (4 & 2) out to his family and it will be nice to be alone for the day.

Finola1step Sat 20-Dec-14 17:30:42

For what it's worth, I read the situation as someone who is in shed loads of pain who is struggling to get her head round her DP's behaviour.

I can see how his behaviour and comments have made you go a bit "Hold on a minute, am I missing something here?" Wrt the chiropractor appt. Yes very nice if the reason was to help you get better. Slightly different if its more of a "Do this to sort yourself out and not mess up my plans" gesture.

So Wondering is this all the tip of the iceberg or just a blip which is being made worse because you are in so much pain?

Bowlersarm Sat 20-Dec-14 17:32:20

He went to see his dd. A good thing.

He was worried about leaving you on your own and concerned enough to ring you three times. Another good thing

He organised for you to see a chiropractor. Another good thing.

He said he would lay bets you wouldn't go and see his dd. You didn't. He was right.

His comments about 'why' etc must be annoying, but why haven't you pulled him up on it as soon as it started irritating you. He's not going to have a clue unless you tell him.

Whereisegg Sat 20-Dec-14 17:36:39

Is he ringing you on a house phone or your mobile?

DingDongMerrilyOnSherry Sat 20-Dec-14 17:44:24

You could pull him up on all the "why's" for a while and see how he reacts.

How much do you see your friends?

I'd be appalled if my friend was going through a tough time at Christmas and didn't call me. I'd think she didn't regard me as a friend. Why not call your mates, you clearly need them?

he wants our visits to be about me and him having some alone time
He wants his contact visits with his DD to be about alone time with you. Eh? No wonder she and her bf don't like him. No wonder she won't travel down. The horse is an excuse not a reason: horsey baby-sitters could be used there's probably a proper name for that but I have tonsillitis and can't think straight

Do you know why he is an exH?

Twinklestein Sat 20-Dec-14 17:50:20

TrackrBird and Attila are on the money.

This particular situation has caused a penny to drop with you (even if some posters don't get it).

I would take a step back, observe his behaviour from now on and ask yourself if you can really live with this level of control.

Windywenceslas Sat 20-Dec-14 18:03:22

Well I'm sorry if you thought I was off the mark and unnecessary but these are the reasons I questioned (not stated) whether you wanted him not to visit his DD before Xmas

- you said he could have wired her the money

- you said he's called 3 times to say he feels guilty about going without you, but then you go on to say "but he still went"

So it's not that far off the mark to question it, is it?

Listen, my DH has a chronic back condition which, when it flares up, is really debilitating too. I must admit in my least charitable moments I wonder whether he makes more effort for things he wants to do over things that I want to do, but I'd never question if he's putting it on or put pressure on him to do things he doesn't feel up to, your DP is in the wrong there. But my DH wouldn't expect me not to see family at important times of the year either.

Laquitar Sat 20-Dec-14 20:20:02

I agree with Finola and i ' sorry but i dont see the booked appt as a nice gesture but as a controlling act.

Also the poster who asked you if he called the mobile or landline. Yes,
yes, yes. I know it seems as a nice thing to do but it could be again a controlling thing.

But i lived with a VERY controlling man and thats why i look behind the nice gestures. Controlling men do calk you all the time when they are away. To check on you. To make sure you cant go out. When they sense you start seeing through them they shower you with apologies, gifts.
They try to build dependency with all that 'i feel guilty leaving you alone' bs. The reply to that is 'dont worry, i am grown up woman i can cope alone'.
Listen to your instict.

TheChandler Sat 20-Dec-14 23:16:11

I don't know OP, I had a similar problem and I damned well made sure I got medical attention to tell me it was an inflamed nerve at the base of my spine long before a year was up - more like a month! I don't see how its possible to have a bad enough back to stop you going places for a year, which with treatment will, by professional estimates, be better in a few days. If it was that bad, you would be on the waiting list for an MRI or surgery, because you would be in so much discomfort, you would be bugging your GP constantly.

He is bang on the money with the acupuncture - I'm definatley not saying all back problems are the same, but it helped me more than anything, and if I were you, I'd make sure you make the next appointment yourself and go back.

I don't think he comes across that badly - he is visiting his daughter before Christmas (perfectly reasonable), wants to do stuff with you and has phoned you 3 times while there, presumably because he misses you as well as feeling guilty at leaving you behind.

I actually can't believe you wanted him not to visit his own daughter in person to give her her present, just because it was money, so that you wouldn't be on your own for a very short period of time. He can't win, can he? I think anyone would feel sad about not being able to do things with their partner.

I take it you have managed to avoid sitting while at home and have been doing all stretching exercises, they really do help?

ThePinkOcelot Sun 21-Dec-14 00:36:43

I think your dp had every right to visit his dd this weekend. I get that you have problems but this isn't all about you, you know!
I can confirm that It's crap living with someone with health problems. And before anyone goes down my throat for that comment, I don't profess to be a saint! I am human, and not being able to plan ahead or go places is crap. So perhaps you want to think about how it is for him for a change!

GoodKingQuintless Sun 21-Dec-14 00:41:55

I dont think you sound as you are cross that he went, but that him going has given you some space to think about his general behaviour towards you.

I would not marry this man.

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