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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Getting together with friend's ex

41 replies

dubyalass · 19/12/2014 22:00

Hypothetical situation at the moment, but my friend and her ex split, at his instigation, in May this year. She has since met someone else and things seem to be going well with the new bloke. That said, I think she still has feelings for her ex, they were together for three years.

I've always had a soft spot for her ex and increasingly I get the impression the feeling is mutual. I am not going to do anything about it out of respect for my friend, but at what point (if ever) is it OK to date a friend's ex?

OP posts:

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Allingoodfaith · 19/12/2014 22:03

I don't think it is. I wouldn't do it to one of my friends.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/12/2014 22:08

I know there is polar opinion on this but not for me. I would never do it; it's never right. You'd never do this to a friend, not EVER.

PossumPoo · 19/12/2014 22:09

If she's a friend then no, I dont think it is ok.

Clairej81 · 19/12/2014 22:16

I would say no to dating a friends ex. It's not worth risking loosing her as a friend.

beaglesaresweet · 19/12/2014 22:17

well it's not always wrong - if the friend had no feelings for him anymore and if she instigated the split - why not, with her permission?

but, OP, if she didn't want to split, I wouldn't go there until a good amount of time passes (a year?) and ideally not before she is in a stable relationship, not just dating.

I assume you are not best friends or very close.

AWholeLottaNosy · 19/12/2014 22:22

Depends how important your friendship is really? Is he worth losing the friendship over? It'll be tricky if you do start seeing him so I would think about it carefully. Men come and go but a good friendship can last a lifetime and is priceless.

dubyalass · 19/12/2014 22:25

Not best friends, but she is lovely and I would never want to hurt her. She's been with her new bloke for six months or so, and it's getting serious, but she still doesn't like being in the same place as her ex, and I think he hurt her badly.

FWIW my thoughts on realising he might be interested were exactly the same as yours - I would never do that to her because I'd be really hurt if someone did it to me.

OP posts:

dubyalass · 19/12/2014 22:26

It's bloody frustrating cos it's not often that I meet someone that I like the look of!

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Squigglypig · 19/12/2014 22:26

It's a complete no no but I did start going out with a friend's ex about a year after they split up. The only reason I did was because I felt so strongly about him. It caused a lot of upset amongst the group of friends we were in and to my friend but we have now been together for 15 yes, married for 8 and have 2 DC. Also now on good terms with the friend again. I wouldn't have done it though if I'd been any less sure that he was my future husband and I stepped into it knowing I'd lose a friend.

GingerbreadPudding · 19/12/2014 22:30

I can't think of any of my previous boyfriends I'd be happy for a friend to date - short or long relationships, happy or sad split. It would just be horrible. I wouldn't want to hear about their sex life, how he is with her - anything. I think if your feelings are strong you may have to accept that choosing him may lose her, and if he's the man for you then maybe that's ok.

Hoppinggreen · 19/12/2014 22:39

I married my friends ex!!!
To be fair we were all friends at Uni and she dumped him 2 years before we started seeing each other.
Despite this she didn't take it well.

something2say · 19/12/2014 22:47

I know of one case where it worked out well. they are divorcing now mind! But I would not do it.ni feel that it is wrong. Be careful op. I think you'd like consent to proceed, or eniugh stories where it worked out twenty years later, but I fear they would be few and far between. I think it is more likely that he would hurt you too and then you'd be a wronged woman who other women know would not be loyal.

dubyalass · 19/12/2014 22:50

Ancient (i.e. five years ago or more) exes wouldn't bother me in the least, but if it were in the last year or two then I'd feel differently.

I think it does differ depending on who did the dumping. If you dump someone it's a bit cheeky/unfair to take umbrage at them getting together with a mutual friend or acquaintance. IMHO you give up any 'claim' on them if you're the one that finishes the relationship.

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MrsSchadenfreude · 19/12/2014 22:52

I don't see why you shouldn't. The word is "EX" - why should they still have a claim on him? A good friend of mine went out with my ex shortly after we split up. She asked me if I would mind - why would I mind? He wasn't "mine" any more!

I really, really don't understand why people would think this is something you should never do.

dubyalass · 19/12/2014 22:53

Of course I'd like consent to proceed, but I know it would be really wrong.

Time to cast my net a bit wider

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dubyalass · 19/12/2014 22:54

But MrsSchadenfreude, did you finish with him or he with you?

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MrsSchadenfreude · 19/12/2014 23:06

It was a fairly mutual split and realisation that we had come to the end of the road after four years of living together. It was all very amicable and he and his girlfriend came to our wedding.

dubyalass · 19/12/2014 23:14

That's different to my scenario though. With my most recent ex, ours was a mutual split and I had stopped feeling any affection for him at all, so had he got together with a friend I wouldn't have been bothered although I might have wondered WTF she was thinking cos he was a twat.

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AWholeLottaNosy · 19/12/2014 23:16

A woman I know ended her 3 year relationship and a few months later her friend started dating her ex. It caused massive problems, ex felt hugely betrayed and their friendship never recovered. The relationship lasted for a year or so and then that fell apart. So, even though this woman was the one to end her relationship, she still couldn't handle it. Shame. Have you talked to your friend about how you feel?

dubyalass · 19/12/2014 23:27

No, and I wouldn't see the point in doing so unless I knew for sure that the man in question was definitely interested in me. At which point I would speak to her and ask her how she felt about the idea. If she was even vaguely uncomfortable about it then that would be that.

I don't know him that well, for all I know he could be like this with everyone and I'd risk losing a friend over completely misinterpreting his actions.

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dirtybadger · 19/12/2014 23:28

Depends.

I wouldn't mind a friend being with my ex. He's a bit of a twat but I dont have feelings for him and could tolerate a night out with him. I would just ask she didn't come to me when she needed to known, because with the history I'd come down on him harder than someone more neutral. We were together for over 3 years FWIW.
I think for the most part "just don't" but in the rare and right circumstances it might be okay. Not after less than a year though! Maybe if they'd split up 3 years ago and she was now engaged, etc...more space/time.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 19/12/2014 23:33

I think ask her permission and go for it.

My friend married my ex. I felt a bit funny about it initially, but it's illogical - if they're not getting back together, nothing you do will change that.

I'd feel differently if he were a wanker or it'd been a bad breakup, but it doesn't sound as if that is the case with your friends, either?

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TalesOfTheCity · 20/12/2014 01:13

I think, for me, it would depend on the ex.

I can think of a few exes where I wouldn't mind friends getting together with. There is one I'd be seriously not OK about any friend being involved with.

It would also depend on how good a friend they were. That could just be weird if it was a best friend.

PaisleySheets · 20/12/2014 01:51

Depends how long between it depends on the friends feelings, depends on how seriou the relationship was.

My best friend was introduced to an ex of mine from when I was 18 (we dated 9 months, first love) and I was fine when they got together because I had no feelings beyond friendship.

If it had been my last ex, I'd feel physically sick if a friend touched him.

Egghead68 · 20/12/2014 06:43

I have done this (with the friend's permission). I've never understood the taboo (but maybe I'm a bit autistic) as long as the friend is over the ex.

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