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Relationships

Can you be in love/lust with two people?

33 replies

Chelseaharbour · 13/12/2014 14:51

I've noticed a similar thread on here and I think I'm going to get the same reaction but need to get this off my chest as can't discuss in RL.

Been with DH nearly 10 years and have 2DC. Great relationship, intimate loving, friendship and fun, partners for life, etc and thought I wouldn't be swayed by someone else.

I've moved to a new team within my firm in more senior position. My colleague who I report to for certain staff issues I've found myself being drawn too. We are close in the work sense, when I'm upset he notices, he has even said to me that he doesn't like seeing me upset and if I have issues he will always support me. We have catch ups when we can to discuss our mutual staffing matters.

I find him amazing to talk to and he has many qualities that are similar to DH except he is 10 years older and looks-wise is less attractive than DH. I joke with him and other colleagues but have credibility as well. He took me to lunch recently and was telling me about his exGF from years ago who looked like me. I moved conversation to more general discussions but it did make me feel excited that he may have feelings.

Recently he's been moved to working with a good friend who keeps talking about how great he is and supportive, she is a girl who thinks everyone fancies her so although I've been feeling envious, my body language has been positive. I've encouraged her to attend meetings etc even though I've felt I've wanted him to be more involved with me, god I know that sounds so childish!

Well last night we had the Xmas party and I managed to talk to him at the end of the evening. In my drunken state I told him I'd missed talking to him and thought he was wonderful. He was equally complimentary and as we moved to new bars we never left each other's side even holding hands at one stage. I'm aware that sounds bad when I'm married - in my drunken state I tried to calm down and talked about family life and passions. He is with a long term partner, no DC, I wanted to know about his life. All during our chats, I really wanted to kiss him but I didn't. (I'm aware that other managers were acting inappropriately.)

I now cannot stop thinking about him and looking forward to seeing him after the weekend. The thing is although he is on my mind I'm still also loving my DH. It is a serious crush which I've not had for a long time and I feel really sinful for wanting my colleague to kiss me and have sex. I'm not sure he does it could all be in my head. I feel incredibly guilt for DH whom I love dearly.

Sorry for ramble, hope someone can help me with a reality check?

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2014 14:57

He sounds like he charms all the ladies

Beware the Charming Man. Do you think he is currently angsting about his "crush" on a work colleague right now ? No, he will be smoothly chatting up some other bored wife just like you.

Come on, get a grip. He doesn't think of you any differently than all the other starry eyed naive women who thinks he has eyes only for them

You may still have time to pull right back and halt making a fool of yourself, if you wake up to what you are doing. A nice bit of fantasy flirting is one thing, but you want more and you will be the one that cops the fallout when he drops you like a hot brick and moves along to the next one

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Nirvisna · 13/12/2014 14:59

Forget the crush, as hard as it is and concentrate on your DH, maybe arrange a weekend away together?

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WhyamI · 13/12/2014 15:04

You say you have a great relationship with your husband. You'd do well to appreciate that. Good men are hard to come by. You say this man has a partner and he's acting like this with you. That would be enough to put me off. Also Miss everybody fancys me is getting attention from him too. Have a word with yourself sharpish

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Chelseaharbour · 13/12/2014 15:06

Thanks both, am totally aware of charming man syndrome I don't think he is like that.

He is genuinely nice and I've discussed his DP with him as well as my home life. I'm very in love with my DH but have been totally knocked with my feelings.

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AuntieStella · 13/12/2014 15:07

"Can you be in love/lust with two people?"

Probably. But all parties need to consent to the open arrangement.

How are you planning on making this request to your DH?

If you're not, then I suggest you dust off your CV and start job hunting.

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Quitelikely · 13/12/2014 15:09

Well if he's so nice why was he holding hands with a married woman? Oh yes he is brilliant he is.
Not.

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2014 15:10

Recently he's been moved to working with a good friend who keeps talking about how great he is and supportive, she is a girl who thinks everyone fancies her so although I've been feeling envious, my body language has been positive. I've encouraged her to attend meetings etc even though I've felt I've wanted him to be more involved with me, god I know that sounds so childish! ]

He is doing to your female colleague exactly what he is doing with you and yet you blame her her reaction to it on "thinking everybody fancies her anyway"

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VitalStollenFix · 13/12/2014 15:15

I believe that you can be attracted to loads of people at the same time.

I have a huge list of people who get my heart racing.

I think you can have genuine feelings for several people at the same time.

I don't think that when you love or are attracted to one person, it shuts off that part of you to other people.

However, I also think that you are in control of and responsible for your choices and actions.

So it doesn't matter how many people you are attracted to, it's what choices you make that matter.

People do what they want to do, when it comes to this sort of thing. They aren't helpless victims to their desire. They make choices.

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rumred · 13/12/2014 15:18

You're in lust/impressed or similar with this man. That's very different to lust. Like pps I'd advise sorting your relationship out and not being so idealistic/unrealistic about it as it clearly isn't enough for you for some reason.

Why did you mention sin, out of interest?

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Chelseaharbour · 13/12/2014 15:19

DH would be very upset about this, I'm feeling upset too about hurting him but the very selfish subconscious side of me is wanting this guy.

I don't want to move job and thankfully I don't work as closely with him but we sit very near to each other. I need to work out ways to stop myself from doing or saying something stupid next week.

In the past I've been in very destructive relationships. Self esteem was restored with DH but although I love him, I think I'm craving excitement and first flows of lust.

I feel very terrible as I'm writing this down.

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rumred · 13/12/2014 15:20

Meant to write 'different to love' not lust

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Joysmum · 13/12/2014 15:22

You can be in lust/love with different people at the same time.

By acting on it though, you show only that you love yourself more than the person you've cheated on and that love is weak.

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Chelseaharbour · 13/12/2014 15:23

Rumred, am from a religious background that's why

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Hatespiders · 13/12/2014 15:24

You can only love one man (in your case, your dh) but the other mad thing is pure lust.

You're treading very dangerously OP. If you're not careful you'll do something you'll regret for ever. Sit quietly with yourself and make a serious vow to stop this infatuation right there. Think of ways you could distance yourself from this oily Don Juan. Avoiding being where he is, avoiding eye contact, not going to events where he'll be present, banishing firmly all thought of him from your head. Be very strong and think of your marriage vows.

Your story reminds me of The Tale of Jemima Puddleduck, where the silly creature was beguiled by the attractive whiskered gentleman (a fox!)
Same idea, but you could end up losing more than a clutch of duck's eggs!

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Chelseaharbour · 13/12/2014 15:27

This is why am discussing on here as friends and family would be shocked.

Destructive relationships were when I lived away and I'm totally aware of that feeling when someone is unfaithful.

I want to keep my job but stop these feelings

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Chelseaharbour · 13/12/2014 15:35

Thanks all for your comments, I'm starting to see I am in dangerous territory.

I don't think he is a creep, he is like my DH but then again my DH wouldn't sit and hold hands with a work colleague. I'm really trying to turn off these feelings, my brain still loves DH but crave attention and I want this guy to tell me he feels the same.

I do feel like Jemima Puddleduck and foolish

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Hatespiders · 13/12/2014 15:42

Oh they never come across as 'creeps'. They're irresistible and sexy, empathetic and attentive. If he got around to telling you 'he felt the same' you'd be starting a full-blown sexual affair. But what sort of decent man sniffs round a married woman? Chats her up and holds her hand?
Answer:- a creep.

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mmmuffins · 13/12/2014 15:53

I certainly believe you can be in lust/ love with more than one person.

I know the feelings are exciting; I also have been utterly besotted with someone at work before, who was married. In my case, nothing ever happened, and after a year the intensity of my feelings did fade, though they never completely went away. I made a conscious effort to focus on other things in my life, and took the attitude that having these feelings meant I was full of life and passion, but it isn't always necessary to follow through.

You already have something great OP, take care of it. And at any rate, I suspect the guilt you would feel upon action would outweigh the pleasure in the end.

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Chelseaharbour · 13/12/2014 15:57

Thanks hatespiders, I am starting to see that he is a creep, everyone in the firm thinks he is wonderful, all the girls love being around him even though he doesn't look anything special. My friend is making it up about him as she really does think all the men in the office fancy her even when they just say hi!

There is something about him that I'm attracted to but will try to keep my feelings in check. You're all helping me!

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Bloomingflower1 · 13/12/2014 15:57

You are in very dangerous territory OP. You don`t need to change your feelings towards this man (is that even possible?) as he may indeed be lovely,but you do need to ensure that you control them. Be aware of these feelings and that if you let them rule your mind you may well destroy what seems to be a good marriage. You really do have to be aware of this likely outcome.

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lemisscared · 13/12/2014 15:59

Err. Grow up! You have a family

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Chelseaharbour · 13/12/2014 16:00

Thanks mmmuffins I really truly love my DH. I will try and look at work colleague in a negative way, although I keep remembering the closeness last night. In my imagined silly head I suppose!

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Chelseaharbour · 13/12/2014 16:05

It does come across that I'm acting like a lovesick teenager this is why I came on here to confess and seek advice.

I'm seeing things in a new light now that you are all helping me see clearly.

I won't act on anything as the fall out would be huge, it's weird that this man has stirred up feelings I thought I could only have for DH, I've not felt like this since we've been together.

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CheersMedea · 13/12/2014 16:17

You can only love one man (in your case, your dh) but the other mad thing is pure lust.

I'm sorry but that is a ridiculous statement. It is ridiculous as saying, you can only love one parent, or one child, or one friend. Love is not rationed, even romantic love.

On the other hand, if you are talking about a serious lust or infatuation it is unlikely to have two running at the same time because of the nature of a serious crush. A serious crush tends to mentally excludes all other interests. Doesn't mean that it isn't theoretically possible.

To answer your question OP, yes OF COURSE you can be in love with more than one person at the same time.

But that's not the true intent of your question is it?. Your question is really: "does the fact I think "I'm in love with Man No.2 mean its ok to do something about it?"

Answer: No - Unless you either end it with Man No.1 first or discuss with Man No.1 and he agrees to a more open relationship. But don't forget that cuts both ways - how would you feel if he came home and told you all this in reverse about a new woman at work???

There's little to be said here because people in the grip of a crush/lust will do what they want to do - irrespective of what any one else says. You know that the right and best thing to do is steer clear of him - I hope you find the will power to do it.

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Chelseaharbour · 13/12/2014 16:48

Thanks Cheers, I've been reading up on EA and the consequences. I did want my cake and eat it but I've realised that he may have been taking advantage.

We will be having meetings together but as a team, I'll also try not to have alone time with him anymore.

As you all say I do have control even though I want him to desire me.

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