I've been up all night with this going around and around in my head. I just need to get it out and be heard. Thank you to anyone who might read this and just...sorry.
I was born into a nice middle class family; private schooling, 4 bedroom house, pretty garden, yearly foreign holidays and all that superficial jazz. I was sexually abused for many years until the abuser moved away and no longer had physical access to me. I began to suffer from anxiety and nightmares, so my parents found me therapy but I never disclosed and I still haven't.
As a young teen, I developed severe anorexia nervosa, spent so much time in and out of hospital; overdoses, self harm and being force fed to save my life. I didn't go to school and became very socially isolated and lonely. My family and remaining few friends showered me with love but I felt unlovable. I was 19 when I decided that finding a boyfriend would make me feel special and heal all my hurt.
I scoured the web for dates and went on a few disastrous ones. I say that because dates often surround food and alcohol and I was still in the grips of anorexia. Eventually, I found a nice guy of my age, well I thought he was nice. I made a huge catalogue of errors that led me to get sexually assaulted. I got in the car with him on our first meeting. I went to his home. I didn't comment when he locked the door. I hung out in his bedroom. I lay on his bed. I let him kiss me. I thought he wanted to watch a film and cuddle. That had sounded perfect to me, just what I was after. How silly that sounds! I was stupid and didn't look after my safety at all. I was 19, old enough to know better.
The overwhelming feeling I had for the next few weeks was sheer surprise. I had not expected it. Looking back, I am angry with myself for feeling surprised. Really, what did I expect to happen?!
I am so ragey with myself today. I have called in sick to work which I never do. I am filled with self loathing and anger. I want to be a little girl again and I want my mummy to hold me and protect me from the evils that she never knew about it. I want to start all over again and do my life differently.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I put myself in a vulnerable position and then was surprised when I was assaulted.
33 replies
obviouslynamechanged4this · 24/11/2014 09:19
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.