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How do I do a "normal" relationship?

(42 Posts)
FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Sat 22-Nov-14 13:29:48

Just that really.

My ex was emotionally unavailable.

My relationships since have been unconventional.

I've had a date with a lovely chap and we are seeing each other again. I don't want to scare him off so ... how do you do normal?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 13:35:00

By normal I suppose you mean monogamous, traditional? Find someone you really connect with and see if you can build something from there. There's no rule book, just your own values and willingness to commit

GarlicNovember Sat 22-Nov-14 14:11:18

But you're not "normal", Helga. Pretending to be someone you're not won't work for you, and would be very unfair to the other person.

Have you had that second date now? smile

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Sat 22-Nov-14 15:36:17

Thanks guys - no second date might be on Monday night - I don't know how or when to bring up my preferences.

lurkernowposter Sat 22-Nov-14 15:37:37


FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Sat 22-Nov-14 15:38:36



CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 15:43:20

If you want serious suggestions, do drop the cryptic crap. .... hmm

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Sat 22-Nov-14 15:45:05

Sorry Cognito - I've not exactly been secretive about it on other threads on here - it wasn't intentional - I'm a Domme, as in sexually dominant.

EBearhug Sat 22-Nov-14 15:50:18

You've only had one date - how can you be sure he's "normal"? He might be in to some of the same things you are. I think, unless you meet at a fetish fair or something, most people won't talk about anything much outside what's considered traditional, for fearing of scaring the other person off.

Just spend time getting to know him, and you'll find as things progress, that some subjects are likely to come up, and you can mention it more naturally as one thing follows on from another. It will just take a little more time than just the first or second date, but equally, you don't want to leave it so long that it becomes an unmentionable thing between you, so you're always on edge wondering when to bring it up, and he can tell there's something not quite right, but when he asks, you just say, "no, no, everything's fine," when there's this big Thing there.

(It's obviously far, far easier to give advice like this, than to be you experiencing it all...)

lurkernowposter Sat 22-Nov-14 15:50:53

Well I assume then your hoping to have a D/s relationship with him if you intend to bring up your 'preferences'? You could just ask him what he likes and see if any of his answers are submissive at all? Seems pretty straight forward to me.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Sat 22-Nov-14 15:51:46

I know what I should be doing - I know what I'd tell anyone else to do. But I've never met anyone or been on a date with anyone outside of kink in years and I'm miles out of my comfort zone.

lurkernowposter Sat 22-Nov-14 15:56:24

If you've met him outside your usual world, the chances are he is vanilla and has no sub tendencies. If you just blurt out what you want you might scare him off, so maybe go slowly?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 15:57:44

So don't date. If your heart isn't in it & you're going to revert to type it would be unfair to misrepresent yourself and lead someone on. What's your motivation?

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Sat 22-Nov-14 15:58:30

I really like him. I didn't expect to at all but I really enjoyed our lunch date. I fancy him too.

lurkernowposter Sat 22-Nov-14 16:04:21

I don't think your leading him on, you've only had one date! But be prepared for the fact it's unlikely he has the same preferences as you. You need to ask yourself if your happy for things to go any further knowing certain needs you may have might not be met.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Sat 22-Nov-14 16:05:42

I really don't want to lead him on. That's why I'm asking the question smile

lurkernowposter Sat 22-Nov-14 16:08:06

Will having a vanilla relationship with him be enough for you? If yes, great carry on seeing him. If that isn't going to be enough he might not be the right man for you.

perfectlyincapable Sat 22-Nov-14 16:10:46

Place marking, I don't know how to do normal either I am in nearly exactly the same boat

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Nov-14 16:26:53

This is a compatibility thing. Forget the sexual element for a second, this is about being honest with yourself and others about what is important to you so that everyone is making decisions based on all the information. The more important something is, the quicker you reveal it IMHO.

lurkernowposter Sat 22-Nov-14 16:37:18

FrauHelga. Your post seems a little confused to be honest. The title asks how you have a 'normal' or 'vanilla' relationship but you go on to ask how and when you bring up your preferences. Just what kind of relationship do you want with this man?

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Sat 22-Nov-14 17:05:07

Lurker i think that's the problem. I don't know.

lurkernowposter Sat 22-Nov-14 17:34:14

Ah! It is possible for you to have a vanilla relationship but it's not easy to ignore that other part of you. I'd say carry on dating him, what have you got to lose? It might just turn out great. It's only dating your not getting married!

GarlicNovember Sat 22-Nov-14 18:51:09

Tbh, if you were to say "My kink is control - complete and utter control. I am a headfuck of massive proportions. I have to actually keep myself in check at all times because of how far and how sadistic in terms of fucking with a sub's head I could be. I don't ever over step a boundary, I don't ever do anything that hasn't been agreed, but I'm probably the most sadistic person I know. And that's not in a beat you til you bleed way that's a could destroy your mind kind of a way. Now, are you ready for someone like me in your life?" ... he would either make a quiet exit through the kitchen, or be fantastically intrigued & see you as a challenge. That wouldn't end well for him, would it?

I can't help feeling that, unless you're rethinking your - to date, absolutely certain - personal identity, you ought to stick to partners who've already stated their sub preferences. In fact, if you are rethinking your identity, it's entirely the wrong time to be starting a relationship.

Normal relationships are based on mutual respect & consideration. Perpetrating extreme emotional abuse, but with a stop word, doesn't count as respectful or considerate I'm afraid.

beaglesaresweet Sat 22-Nov-14 18:56:40

I think thatt serious kinks should be mentioned very early on! otherwise infair on the other person to get involved emtionally or sexually and only then having that bombshell dropped!
OP, I read your posts on other threads, and you sounded well entrenched in your role, so tell him very soon. Maybe on 2d/3d date. He may be up for it as a 'try it once' to see if he likes it, or he just may be a sub. Dont pretend you are 'normal' at least after you start kissing etc.
I'd hate to get involved with a man and him them to manipulate me slowly into his 'prefernces'.

beaglesaresweet Sat 22-Nov-14 18:58:24


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