Panicking that he's pulling away

[Pawmygosh]

Relationship of about ten months that has been really good. We normally fit seeing eachother around my shift work so a couple of nights a week he doesn't come round and stay over. Out of the blue tonight he's called and said he thinks he will stay at his tonight because he's got to go the gym early in the morning. He often has the gym early in the morning and it's never stopped him before. I don't know what to think, it's caught me by surprise and in previous relationships it's usually meant they are working towards ending things.

I really really don't want this ending, I love him, he's said he loves me. I'm panicking tbh

[Quitelikely]

I agree it's an excuse I don't know what for though? Can't you ring back (make up a silly excuse) and say you usually go to the gym from my place whats different tonight?

[LadyLuck10]

If you're panicking over this then your relationship doesn't seem as secure as you think. Maybe he just wants some time for himself? Why does your mind immediately jump to him pulling away.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You sound quite insecure without much cause. Taking it on face value he doesn't want another early start... which is reasonable enough. Do you think you're punching above your weight?

[Pawmygosh]

I said " oh right I see, well you normally do that most weekends and it's not a problem" He said he didn't mean to upset me and he would come round. I said " no don't worry about upsetting me, the fact is you didn't want to come over and I'm wondering why" he just said "well you've got your mum there to keep you company so I thought I'd relax at home"

Help I feel a bit sick am I over reacting. He's coming over but I'm not sure he should be now iykwim

[Pawmygosh]

Yes I am insecure I've had some shit relationships and I've found someone lovely and we laugh and get on. I immediately jump to thoughts of pulling away because I've had it before. I don't think I'm punching above my weight far from it, I just can't believe I'm meant to be happy

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Your Mum is there? Not exactly a date night then is it? Maybe he doesn't want to have to make chit chat with your Mum and he'd rather have a night to himself?

It does sound like he's pulling back, but if he is then you can't stop him.

[Quitelikely]

Ok so there's the reason your mum is there!

[Pawmygosh]

I know I can't stop him that's why I'm so upset. I thought we had a really good relationship

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I presume your mum doesn't live with you? If she's visiting, could it be that he wants to give you time to catch up?

Separately, I love my own company. I also love my DH but it's great just to have sometime to sit on your own and relax. Fortunately, he understands that and doesn't mind if I slope off to read my book on my own.

As it is quite early days for you, do you think he might feel the same but doesn't want to say in case you think he's rude?

[GertrudeBell]

Sounds to me like he doesn't fancy spending the evening with your mum.

[Pawmygosh]

Yes my mums here for tonight she's been unwell. I'm expected to join his family though and we always see much more of them, sunday lunches ect

[fairypond]

Is it unusual for your mum to be there? That's very different to just being with you.

[Pawmygosh]

Yes my mum very rarely comes here and has never been here when he's been here. He's a very family orientated person when it comes to his family but clearly not with mine

[KatoPotato]

Can totally understand why he'd give it a steer. I think you need to calm down a bit and tone down the snippy 'Oh right, I see' responses or he might start seeing red flags.

If you want this to work you need to judge him on his behaviour, not of the behaviour of others in the past, it's unfair to both of you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You're reading far too much into this

[KatoPotato]

I just can't believe I'm meant to be happy

You need to try and address this Pawn. Until you do then no one stands a chance of doing the right thing in your eyes.

[SandyJ2014]

I think kind of natural for a bloke to maybe not want to come round if your mum is there. Adds a little pressure even to a 10 month relationship. Agree with Cogito that you're reading too much into this. Anyway, even if it is cooling off..... just relax and let whatever needs to happen, happen naturally because panicking will only make things worse/unpleasant for you.

[PacificDogwood]

If he is pulling away, there's nothing you can do about it - I am not saying that he IS pulling away btw.

Having said that, you are aware that your insecure and maybe quite needy, and overreacting is more likely to make him reconsider his position.

You are reading too much in to ONE evening that he choses to not be with you.

[paddyclampo]

I also think it's cos your mum's there, rather than he doesn't want to spend the evening with you.

[Pawmygosh]

I try hard not to judge him by others past behaviour but this is totally out of the blue for him and I did have a knee jerk reaction of panic because it wasn't ususal. He took me by surprise, plus if I'm honest I ahd been looking forward to him coming over for a bit of a distraction as it's not the greatest of fun being indoors all day with an elderly lady whose not too well. Selfish maybe but I also love seeing him

[tigermoll]

You need to take a deep breath and calm down. You are totally spinning out of control on this one.

He doesn't think it would be appropriate to meet your mother for the first time when she is ill and staying at your house. You will need to spend you your energy focusing on taking care of her - he would be a fifth wheel.

That is all that is happening. Everything is fine. [hug]

[PacificDogwood]

I just can't believe I'm meant to be happy

You need to try and address this Pawn. Until you do then no one stands a chance of doing the right thing in your eyes.

Yes. That.

[Quitelikely]

He's not pulling away he just doesn't want to sit with your mum all night!

How old is he?

[Twinklestein]

Tell him that and he'll no doubt forgive you.

[FelicityGubbins]

He probably thought you would rather he stayed away so you could concentrate on your poorly mum, tbh I wouldn't be enthusiastic about visiting a boyfriend's mum while she wasn't well, regardless of how much I loved him.