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Man texting my Wife, advice needed...

(47 Posts)
Justanotherguy Fri 21-Nov-14 10:34:58

Hi Everyone,

I'm not one to post anything about my personal life but I need some advice regarding my wife who is receiving inappropriate messages from her work colleague.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and we've been together for 10 in total. We are happily married and things are good in our lives, good jobs, nice house, etc but I have one problem which I don't know how to remedy.

To give you an overview first... My wife is a hard working person, she loves her job and although it can be stressful at times she wouldn't be doing anything else. She isn't someone who makes friends easily so when she does she keeps hold of them. She has recently become good friends with one of her male work colleagues who is now apparently one of her best fiends.

The issue is that this work colleague (who has a girlfriend and who my wife's knows) sends her texts every day which I find a bit weird as he does work with her so does he really need to text too? but I know that men and women can be good friends and chat. But I have seen some of the texts that he sends to my wife and they are not appropriate IMHO. His messages have included...Asking her what she is wearing to work the next day and if she can wear a particular dress as he likes that one and other messages asking if she has sex toys, etc. I'm sure there are much worse messages but I don't want to look/know as it will probably make me feel worse.

I know she receives these messages as if I really want to know she tells me what he has written but she shrugs it off saying he's only playing and he's just a typical bloke and there's nothing in it. Now I am very happy that my wife isn't replying to these messages in the way he wants her too, she actually ignores them and tries to change the conversation but that doesn't stop him and she doesn't tell him to stop either.

The issue isn't that I don't trust my wife because I really do!!! But I feel awful and almost cheated on, everytime she gets a text my mind races wondering what he's written. I am right by thinking that another guy shouldn't be texting anything like that to another mans wife let alone a work colleague? Right? Can he just be messing about?

I have approached the subject before and she gets very upset saying 'do I want her to stop being friends with him even though I know she doesn't make friends very often?'. I don't want this as she isn't the problem, he is! And besides she works with him so they would be friends no matter what I ask.

I'm tempted to talk to him directly and ask him what he thinks he is doing, probably at the works Xmas party which is soon. But again I feel that my wife should deal with this not me. Or shall I just learn to deal with it knowing that she doesn't respond in the way he wants her too so there's no real harm done.

Any advice greatfully received.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Fri 21-Nov-14 10:38:05

Don't confront him, it needs to come from your wife. I do think the content of the texts are inappropriate though. He sounds like a dick.

Pinklaydee1302 Fri 21-Nov-14 10:38:32

It shouldn't be happening, she shouldn't be receiving them and you need to man up and tell her so!

TheHermitCrab Fri 21-Nov-14 10:42:42

.Asking her what she is wearing to work the next day and if she can wear a particular dress as he likes that one and other messages asking if she has sex toys, etc.

Nope nope nope nope. Wrong wrong totally wrong. Should not be accepting such conversation from him.

she shrugs it off saying he's only playing and he's just a typical bloke

If she found you were sending another woman the same messages she would getting, how would she react to you saying it's typical bloke stuff?

She's taking advantage, maybe she just likes the attention and there's nothing going on, but she's being completely out of order?

Don't speak to him - you'll come out looking like a dick. Speak to her.

Johnogroats Fri 21-Nov-14 10:49:28

Totally inappropriate messages. If she doesn't mind, I think that is odd. She should be telling him to cut it out and back off. If he doesn't, I would be involving HR.

There is nothing typical about these messages. My concern would be that she is enjoying the attention and maybe there is more to their friendship?

Justanotherguy Fri 21-Nov-14 10:49:38

Wow, you all come back so quickly! Ok thanks for your thoughts, I'll speak to her tonight! I thought you'd all say this but I wanted a second opinion.

I'll let you know how I get on.

Thank you!

Mugg1ns Fri 21-Nov-14 10:53:11

If they are good friends, he won't be upset when your wife politely asks him to stop sending her inappropriate messages.

makeitabetterplace Fri 21-Nov-14 10:55:12

I am married and have a good friend at work who is a man. We text each other silly stuff and sometimes it's every day. But no way would he ask if I had sex toys or express an interest in what I wear. There is no sexual or flirty element at all in our relationship. His texts are inappropriate. If I was you, I'd be worried about why she hasn't told him to back off. Maybe she's enjoying the attention on some level. She doesn't have to stop being friends with this chap but she does need to make her boundaries very clear.

e.g. 'Have you got sex toys.'
'Thats between me and my wonderful hubbie. Stop being an old perv!'

That way she can keep it jokey and if after a few such messages he's still persisting she would need to be serious about telling him to quit it.

TheHermitCrab Fri 21-Nov-14 10:56:39

Yep, If your wife and him are just friends, then they shouldn't be too concerned about their friendship ruined when it turns out asking about sex toys and telling someone to wear a certain outfit is completely inappropriate. (Pretty bloody awkward and inappropriate for single work colleagues, nevermind those in relationships)

grumpyoldgitagain Fri 21-Nov-14 10:58:00

Just ask her outright if you were sending those same messages to a married friend of the opposite sex would she be fine with it

I think she probably wouldn't

PeppermintPasty Fri 21-Nov-14 10:58:05

It's not ok, no way. You need to speak to your wife and get her to sort it. I think she sounds like she's trying to emotionally blackmail you over the 'not many friends' thing. I agree she is liking the attention. She may have absolutely no interest in him apart from that, but she's still out of order and so is he.

ChoochiWoo Fri 21-Nov-14 11:02:33

Hmmm, if she doesn't make many friends she maybe too low in confidence to tell him to pack it in, women are socialised to view innapropriate comments as simply and inevitable and daily inconvenience, surprised you haven't looked at more messages tbh no way would I leave it, Id wanna know what I was dealing with.

ChoochiWoo Fri 21-Nov-14 11:04:55

Although im.not condoning her lack of balls , but maybe its an aspect x

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 21-Nov-14 11:23:25

Your wife is either loving the attention or she's an idiot. In face either way she's an idiot, and potentially risking her job, let alone her marriage by indulging this creep.
Or she's fucking him.

rb32 Fri 21-Nov-14 11:23:41

Not on. My gf had a male friend, well more of an aqauaintence really that was messaging her less obvious stuff than that. However it was clear that it was more than just platonic on his part and my gf agreed. She just said it was harmless. I left it for a while until I happened accross a few of the messages that he was sending. I messaged him to stop and told her that although she may like having someone sniffing around her as an ego boost it was really not on (I knew she was not interested at all in this bloke).

She agreed and is no longer in contact with him as far as I know. If it was the other way round I'd always put my gf's feeling first.

TheHermitCrab Fri 21-Nov-14 11:35:37


I messaged him to stop and told her that although she may like having someone sniffing around her as an ego boost it was really not on (I knew she was not interested at all in this bloke)

It's her phone, why couldn't she tell him to back off? Shouldn't have needed you to do it.

Same to the OP. It's her job. She should appreciate and respect your feelings enough to know where to draw the line.

Quitelikely Fri 21-Nov-14 11:39:51

I doubt she would like it if you were receiving texts of a similar nature.

Tell her that you are uncomfortable with this friendship and yes you do want her to end it if she feels like she can't tell him to stop with the sexual innuendo.

rb32 Fri 21-Nov-14 11:45:34

Hermit - I believe she did tell him seperatly when I said something. Messaging him was just telling the guy to back off (I'm sure she'd tell any lady showing an interest in me to do the same!)

CheersMedea Fri 21-Nov-14 11:46:40

This sounds to me like a prelude to an affair. I'm not saying that's your wife's intention at all but it may be the ultimate consequence if this is allowed to go on.

It's how people get together - by escalating slowly physical touching and also intimate conversation.

So, if you are attracted to someone, you lightly touch someone on the arm and see if they run shrieking from the room. This maybe subconscious rather than calculated because you want to touch them. Then maybe a kiss on the cheek when you say good bye. Then lots of little jokey flirty pushing against each other "oh you are awful" "go on with you." Then a full body hug. Then a snog. Then ... oops you are naked having sex.

The same is 100% true of conversation. Start joking about what she's wearing. Then sex toys. Then what she prefers in bed. Then what sex between them would be like. Then ... oops they are naked having sex.

I think a line needs to be drawn under the intimate texting. I think you need to have a full, very honest discussion with her and ask her to stop.

Bogeyface Fri 21-Nov-14 11:56:44

I agree that you should come at it from the angle of you sending/receiving messages like this from another woman.

He is a creep and I suspect, as a pp said, that because she struggles to make friends she doesnt want to rock the boat with this one. I dont think she sees that this man clearly wants to be more than friends, he is a predator.

choochoomcgrew Fri 21-Nov-14 12:01:23

I hate the "typical man" thing. I would be fking fuming if my boyfriend did this to another woman, there is NOTHING typical to it at all!! And I could never do something like this to him, it's totally messed up and you definitely need to stand up for yourself and do something. I Get on really well with the two men iwork with but in no way ever would this kind of thing happen!
Stop playing it down, it's definitely wrong.
If confidence is an issue for her, I see nothing wrong with you approaching him at the Christmas thing, he's bang out of order.

Tiredemma Fri 21-Nov-14 12:03:39

If my DP sent texts even remotely similar in content he would be wearing his testicles around his throat.

Extremely inappropriate.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Fri 21-Nov-14 12:06:17

If she found you were sending another woman the same messages she would getting, how would she react to you saying it's typical bloke stuff?

It's not typical and not appropriate.
I wouldn't welcome those kind of messages myself and I don't think the fact that your DW doesn't make friends easily is any reason to put up with it.
If she hasn't told him to behave then she should.

RabbitOfNegativeEuphoria Fri 21-Nov-14 12:13:25

I have several male friends some of whom are work colleagues some not, some are former colleagues. We often text or email each other about the following: Dr Who. Footy. The trains. Weather. Crossword clues. Our kids. Work (dull but true).We never ever ever text or email about rude things because...yuck. There are occasionally texts about apparel because one of us (me) is very nesh and I will often check what the weather is like in town if I'm coming up to the office the next day, to see what degree of warmth will be needed. I might say is it one jumper or two jumper weather. They might say I'll probably want my shawl as well or that the heating has been ferocious and actually I won't need extra warmth. That sort of thing. There have also been some emails about what we will be wearing to the Xmas bash between me and the specific colleagues with whom I will be going to the party (me - £10 dress from John Lewis sale, them - one is wearing a kilt, one 'normal' black tie and one of them is planning on wearing tartan trews and a bizarre waistcoat. Sadly THIS is the colleague I will be sitting with all night. Sigh). There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex and texting/emailing them like you would any friend. There is something wrong about exchanging dodgy texts with them though.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits Fri 21-Nov-14 12:17:09

I think you've shown a great deal of patience in this situation!

This man is not a real friend to your wife if he thinks it's ok to send such inappropriate messages to her. Perhaps you should ask his girlfriend if she's seen the messages as I'm guessing she wouldn't like it.

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