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His ex wife is being abusive

(36 Posts)
BillieGin Thu 20-Nov-14 20:33:05

DP and I have been together for 6 months, we got together fairly soon after his split from his wife. He told his ex wife about me 2 months ago. She took the split pretty badly and would text him constantly for months.

She is now calling me all the names under the sun (slag, slapper etc) and saying that I'm turning him against her. She's doing this because she feels he didn't give it a decent amount of time before dating someone else.

They have a child so obviously need to keep contact.

I don't know why I feel so insecure about the whole thing but I do.

Quitelikely Thu 20-Nov-14 20:38:12

Under no circumstances would I tolerate this from anyone.

Ask your dp to only communicate with this woman regarding his child and nothing more.

Advise him to let her know that anymore communication regarding you or anything else of unimportance will be seen as harassment and the police will be notified.

BillieGin Thu 20-Nov-14 20:40:38

He is trying to be nice to her as he's worried she'll make it difficult for him to see his child. She's been texting again, yesterday to 'remind you it's your mum's birthday next week xx' hmm ....

I did send her a message, from his phone, telling her she doesn't know me and I find it incredibly offensive that she is speaking to my partner about me in this way. DP didn't show me the reply.

Quitelikely Thu 20-Nov-14 20:45:32

Your dp has to pay the law down now on what is acceptable because believe me this woman will use that child as a stick to beat him with.

He should set up regular contact days and times and stick to them. If she changes them just to be awkward then he should agree to miss that day and wait until the following agreed day. If she has any sense she will start to realise its in her dd best interest to see her dad regularly.

Quitelikely Thu 20-Nov-14 20:45:47

Lay the law down!

Quitelikely Thu 20-Nov-14 20:46:47

Why did he leave her? How long were they together

FlossyMoo Thu 20-Nov-14 20:47:12

She shouldn't be doing this and I am in no way condoning her actions however she does sound like she is hurting.

You should not have sent the message either tbh. You are just adding to it and making it look like your DP has no back bone.

Name calling although not nice is just childish and a form of retaliation to her loss of control. Do not enter in to arguments with her and do not bite. If you let it get to you then she has won.

Your DP needs to lay down clear boundaries and only accept communication that is a direct result of the children.

littleleftie Thu 20-Nov-14 20:48:38

How do you know what she says about you? Is she texting you or is DP very helpfully telling you?

Tell him you do not want to hear it if the latter, and if the former you can report her for harrassment yourself.

Sending her a message from his phone is pretty childish tbh.

This is why most women would not date someone who is so recently split from their spouse - too much raw baggage. Good Luck.

BillieGin Thu 20-Nov-14 20:49:07

They were married for 2 years, together for 5. It was a very volatile relationship and she was physically abusive on a number of occasions.

BillieGin Thu 20-Nov-14 20:50:23

She has been messaging him. I looked at his phone as I wanted to know why she was constantly in contact.

LineRunner Thu 20-Nov-14 20:51:54

How do you know what she is calling you?

LineRunner Thu 20-Nov-14 20:52:29

X post.

It all sounds incredibly childish.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Thu 20-Nov-14 20:53:54

You've been with him 6 months, he's in the midst of an acrimonious split, you don't trust him so you're checking his phone and you've got an irate ex wife on your case.

Yes, it sounds like the stuff dreams are made of.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Thu 20-Nov-14 20:54:43

How soon after the split did you and he get together?

Why are you responding to her from his phone? He's a big boy - he needs to fight his own battles and sort it himself with her.

Do you live with him?

Waltermittythesequel Thu 20-Nov-14 20:57:02

It's like reading a car crash...

BillieGin Thu 20-Nov-14 20:57:40

He is refusing to defend me as robustly as I'd like because he's worried she'll make contact with his child difficult.

The vast majority of the time we are very, very happy! I'm divorced myself with DC and haven't been this happy in a long time, apart from the above mentioned saga.

Quitelikely Thu 20-Nov-14 21:06:41

Well I'm afraid the onus is in him to do something about this. Your hands are tied. Are you brave enough to suggest any of the above to him?

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Thu 20-Nov-14 21:08:09

Why don't you both totally ignore anything she says about you?

Totally blank it as if she didn't say a thing.

If she is abusive then he won't get anywhere by defending you. He'd only be engaging with the abusive cycle.

If he were on here, everyone would tell him to ignore, emotionally detach, respond only about contact and only in purely factual unemotional terms.

FlossyMoo Thu 20-Nov-14 21:08:37

I would imagine that is a genuine worry for him. If his ex is as difficult as you have said then her next "trick" will be to withhold contact.

Be careful what you are asking him to do OP. As it appears you are asking him to put your feelings above seeing his children. This will not end in your favor.

lunar1 Thu 20-Nov-14 21:09:23

You have half a story, his side. I'd put things on hold and let him sort out the end of the relationship and his contact routine before you jump in with both feet.

You don't know what he is saying to her. You don't know why she is reacting the way she is but things must still be raw for both of them by the way they communicate.

Do you really want to get in the middle of all this?

makeitabetterplace Thu 20-Nov-14 21:10:13

You need to just let her rage and upset pan out. It's really nothing to do with you and she's bound to be angry with 'you'. It's not personal. Getting involved is wrong. Your partner needs to resolve this not you.

Rebecca2014 Thu 20-Nov-14 21:10:33

Just ignore her...Pity her for god sake, she is in pain.

You and your oh should only reply to texts that are about the child. She will move on eventually...but don't give her anything to hang onto.

Phoenixfrights Thu 20-Nov-14 21:15:07

Surely if she is abusive your DP should be going to court for custody.

With respect op,despite her behaviour not being nice,you need to butt out.No sending her messages from his phone or anyone elses,no overinvolvement in his contact with her regarding the children-any at all.

You shouldn't be checking his phone to see why the mother of his children is contacting him either.

This whole thing right now is a disaster waiting to happen.

Cabrinha Thu 20-Nov-14 22:33:46

You shouldn't have had to look at his phone, you should have been able to ask, and been told.
He won't let you see her reply to you?

He sounds like a waste of space and definitely not worth this amount of hassle.

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