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How could he do this to me?? Please help me through this

(28 Posts)
Blahdeblah111 Thu 20-Nov-14 05:26:25

Posted the other day about DP and I deciding we need some space. Yesterday he text to say he has 'gotten close' to someone at work. It's someone who I always had doubts about... He says nothing happened while we were together, I believe him.. But he hasn't wasted anytime, especially after telling me he didn't see himself moving on for at least 6 months!!! She obviously didn't waste time getting the claws in either. I have spent most of the night crying and really don't want to face the world.

ArsenicSoup Thu 20-Nov-14 05:34:02

What a nasty piece of work. He told you this by text??

What are you due to do today? Work? DC?

textingdisaster Thu 20-Nov-14 06:01:08

Sorry you are going through this blah sad.

When you say you needed some space what did that involve? Were you living together? How long were you going to be apart or was it effectively a break up? Not relevant in terms of the hurt he has caused but just asking (you don't have to answer if you don't want to!).

There is a woman my h does a lot of work for whom I think has a "thing" for him and my hackles rise when he is on the phone to her - she is gushy, over complimentary and over familiar sounding angry. I can well imagine her being "supportive" hmm of him if we were to split (and our relationship is difficult so it's a real possibility). So I really feel your pain sad.

Are there family and / or friends who you can stay with while you are feeling so bad and who can look after you? I would be very gentle with yourself and do as much crying / resting / lying low watching DVDs and eating (or whatever comforts you) - as your daily commitments allow until you feel stronger.


Thumbwitch Thu 20-Nov-14 06:05:29

Ha. Sounds like my ex. Went straight to her flat after leaving our home, telling me she was "just a friend, nothing had happened" - bollocks, say I. They'd obviously got VERY close the previous weekend when he'd been missing til 2am and not answering his calls - I actually worried he'd been in an accident, fool that I am!

3 weeks later, he was introducing her to his family at a dinner in London. Nice. But no, there was nothing going on, they were "just friends", he hadn't meant to move straight in with her or start a relationship with her, that had never been on the cards...
Yeah, and I'm a blue giraffe.

Blahdeblah111 Thu 20-Nov-14 06:16:06

Thanks ladies, together 6 years, lived together, engaged... I got a bit freaked out at the marriage idea and questioned why we were doing it because our relationship had turned more into a friendship, hardly any intimacy etc.

He moved out first weekend in Oct to give us a bit of space, we kept going on dates etc. but then we said we thought we'd only miss each other if we had a chunk of time not seeing each other (we decided this wt very end of Oct).. And now this.

(No dc but two dogs!)

rootypig Thu 20-Nov-14 06:18:09

Blah I'm so sorry. But I must also say - your instincts were bang on and you were brave and strong to follow them. It hurts now, I know, but you dodged a bullet.

Blahdeblah111 Thu 20-Nov-14 06:19:39

Yes I do have work but have called in sick, I can't face anyone, I have no real friends here either

Thumbwitch Thu 20-Nov-14 06:20:33

I know you're saying "we" in your post, but who suggested it first, the "chunk of time not seeing each other", you or him?

Blahdeblah111 Thu 20-Nov-14 07:00:23

It was probably my decision, I thought the excitement had gone, rarely had sex, the butterflies I used to get died about 18 months ago. It's the moving on without a regard for me/us that hurts the most, I don't know if that is unreasonable of me or not.

I don't have a support network locally, my family are all 200+ miles away so I am relying on mumsnet for words of wisdom sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Nov-14 07:08:40

I realise you're hurt and upset but you say yourself that the relationship had got stale. Whether that was just something organic - it had run its course - or whether there was someone new on the horizon, it's fairly academic. Blame isn't necessarily appropriate but it's normal to want to lash out. You're both single now but he's moved on quicker than you, and that realisation is always a tough thing to swallow.

Hooe you find people IRL to give you some support and that the future is better

textingdisaster Thu 20-Nov-14 07:14:06

I thought the excitement had gone, rarely had sex, the butterflies I used to get died about 18 months ago

I suppose you need to focus on this and the fact that it is better to have come unstuck now rather than after dc/marriage. Still very painful though.

For what it's worth I also think you have been very brave. It's easier to languish in an unfulfilling relationship and never do anything about it.

Blahdeblah111 Thu 20-Nov-14 08:50:15

Thanks everyone. So difficult to see the light.. I just took great pleasure in smashing the 'pot of dreams' we had been putting money in. Ironically it was this new girl that bought us it...

Joysmum Thu 20-Nov-14 08:54:39

This is vindication that your thoughts were correct, you weren't right for one another.

Too many partnerships limp on in ok mode and those people never find true happiness. You now have the opportunity.

Xenadog Thu 20-Nov-14 09:01:33

OP you are going through a bereavement; you're mourning the loss of a relationship. Other than saying you just have to go through all of the awful emotions there isn't much anyone can say or do to make you feel better.

I feel for you and suggest you need some people who care about you close by. If you can, take a really days off work to visit friends/relatives that would be good. Allow yourself time to feel this loss and mourn the planned future you had. There will come a time when it will hurt a little less. It may seem a long time away but you will get through this.

As for the other woman I wouldn't consider her. She wasn't in a relationship but your fiancé was and so if anyone has cheated it is him and he deserves your anger.

Thumbwitch Thu 20-Nov-14 15:51:05

I agree - at the moment you're very hurt and upset, and really feeling the loss of your relationship as you had hoped it would become again - but you may well have had a lucky escape.

It took me a year to really feel that with my ex (also fiancé but we'd been together longer than you) - but I really did feel it then too. And still do!

Take this chance to make changes in your life, go out more, meet new people if you don't have a support network locally - do stuff that you weren't able to before because of him! It could be a whole new lease of life for you. smile thanks

charlie2405 Thu 20-Nov-14 15:59:36

sending hugs to you lovely. Im sorry this happened to you and I hope the pain goes quickly when you realise that your better without him. xx

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves Thu 20-Nov-14 16:08:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves Thu 20-Nov-14 16:11:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blahdeblah111 Thu 20-Nov-14 20:45:21

thank you every one smile it all seems so difficult right now but all the advice says the same.. it would have been a disaster further down the line.

I'd be able to cope with this 80% better if there was no other woman.

SandyJ2014 Thu 20-Nov-14 21:41:32

Bleurggggg... I can't imagine getting together with someone so fresh out of a relationship....bleurgggggg....she must have some gumption. Wtf etc.

Anyway....this must hurt like fuck but you're just around the corner from meeting some hottie who is going to rip your kecks off after 18 months of zilch. Exciting times flowers

Blahdeblah111 Fri 21-Nov-14 11:08:29

thanks Sandy... I think she must have some serious issues to get with a bloke who has just separated from his fiance! I've been speaking to some of his best friends' partners, they are in shock too.. they said we should keep in touch (they don't live very local) which is nice. Makes me feel like people are on my side.

Twinklestein Fri 21-Nov-14 13:46:36

It may be a rebound thing for him, I don't say that to give you any false hope, because the relationship sounds like it had fizzled out on both sides.

Blahdeblah111 Sat 22-Nov-14 18:36:58

Yeah it may well be.. others have suggested it. I was having a think yesterday and from what I know of his past he is one of these blokes that ALWAYS has a girlfriend.. since he was 16 I don't think he's ever been single longer than 12 months.

peggyundercrackers Sat 22-Nov-14 19:17:21

I don't think he's done anything wrong, you decided it was over and he's moved on... your out, he's out and you can both do what you want now.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Sat 22-Nov-14 19:38:31

There seems to be an element of "I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him" going on here.

You're mourning the loss of the potential your relationship could have had, not the relationship that it actually was. In reality it sounds like both of you had checked out a while ago.

You've did a brave thing, suggesting the chuck of time apart. It was always going to be a gamble and you'll realise in time things have worked out for the best. Until then, look after and focus on yourself rather than on him and his new partner.

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