So I finally confronted my mum and now I'm a wreck

[fuzzpig]

Well that's a lie, DH did it for me because I was crying too much.

Spoke to her earlier and out of the blue she mentioned something about the state of the house - the smell :( I know it's not great although I had pointed out when they were here at the weekend that it was a laundry issue. But she kept on about it and even refused to sleep downstairs when they stay next week.

I managed to mention that I'm trying my best given my disabilities but when I got off the phone I burst into tears. Explained to DH and he pointed out what I'd been frankly too shocked to see - the hypocrisy.

The house I grew up in was horrible. Much worse than ours. I'm talking daily slugs trails in the kitchen, mice, silverfish and other bugs in my cat's food. A window in my room broke in a storm when I was 15, Dad nailed a sheet of Perspex over it - and that was that. I froze my butt off in that bedroom for another 5 years until I moved out. It wasn't a poverty issue BTWz

I feel guilty - sometimes so much I just want to die TBH - every fucking day that this house is a shithole but I'm doing my best given how ill I am (since 2011) and given that, as will be pretty obvious from the above, I never learned how to do it. But to hear it from my mum really really hurt.

So I asked DH to phone back and say that I was upset. Mum apologised but I don't think she really wanted to accept that they made mistakes too.

I know she had a valid point but it really, really hurt and now I can't stop crying.

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

What can I say?
I don't let people in my house! I have a vague plan that it will be sorted by Easter (put off from 'by Christmas' as I've left it too late to get repairs done before December).
When you can stop crying, do. We live with our disabilities (physical and mental) the best we can.

[ThePinkOcelot]

Is there any way you could afford for someone to come in and do a thorough clean? It would be easier for you to keep on top of then.

[ChippingInAutumnLover]

Hi Fuzzy - do NOT let it get to you, just don't. It will make you ill. You and DH have made a huge effort recently and have done wonders in a short time...so don't let this set you back or make you ill - it isn't worth it.

Frankly, you are a saint to have her in your house, I bloody well wouldn't. The way you grew up was awful and for her to turn around and criticise your house is just taking the piss, it really, really is.

Why don't you get DH to tell them not to come next week? They can stew on it for a bit.

[Flissity83]

You might be able to get some home help if you're ill. I don't know anything about it but might be worth looking into. Ignore your mum. If she won't sleep where she's told tell her to do one.

[Joysmum]

Those of us with unreasonable people in our lives always hope that they will be reasonable when confronted. Truth is, you can't reason with the unreasonable. If you don't get the reaction you hoped for it's because they are unreasonable, not because of you

[fuzzpig]

You know what Chipping I was tempted but decided against changing it.

Partly because I didn't want anyone to think I was just throwing a strop because I can't take valid criticism (it was framed more as advice, really). Mainly because they are babysitting - for the first time in about 2 years. Been looking forward to this play for months and DH and I haven't done anything like this on our own for years.

Ocelot can't afford anything ATM, but we are focusing on decluttering ATM, and as chipping kindly reminded me we have done loads recently. When the clutter is gone we may well invest in some cleaning services.

[fuzzpig]

Just realised that reply makes me sound a total wimp. True really. I don't do confrontation.

[Smukogrig]

joysmum is right. an unreasonable person doesn't become more reasonable when you leave them, try to assert yourself

[IsItMeOr]

OP, I don't know your back story - it clearly sounds as if there is one.

So, your house is not quite how you would like it to be. That happens - ours increasingly desperately needs decorating, a bit of decluttering and the garden is barely under control. But it functions well enough for us.

If your mum actually wanted to help, surely she'd be asking you what jobs she could do, rather than just making critical comments.

What is the laundry issue? Is there anything that might help with it and make your life a bit easier?

[fuzzpig]

TBH we had just got a bit behind and it was piled up in the kitchen. That + washing up not being done/bin not emptied (day before had been very busy) + house not aired out due to rain = ick. I mean don't get me wrong, we found some mould on a chair in the living room during the week (before they visited, it was sorted by the time they were here) so I'm really not pretending the house isn't a problem!

This week I've been looking around the house and feeling proud, despite how much there is still to do, of what we've achieved (we both took leave in half term and got rid of 18 bags of rubbish as well as sorting out lots of other stuff).

But now I'm looking around and all I can see is failure. Again.

[ICantFindAFreeNickName]

Don't let her get to you. It sounds like you & your DH are making real progress.
Could you take some pictures, just so you can see the progress you have made when you start to feel over whelmed. It's very easy to forget how bad things used to be, when you are working on long term decluttering.
Maybe next week you could give them a list of jobs to do to help you out.

Hope you and dh have a good night out - you deserve it

[FeckTheMagicDragon]

All I can see is that you got rid of rid of 18 bags of rubbish! Really well done!
It creeps up so easily and then becomes a mammoth task to catch up. Especially when you have been poorly. Struggling with damp, work, illness, I know it takes it out of you.

One step at a time, and have fun at the play.

[fuzzpig]

You know IsIt, it's the helping issue that makes me really sad. I know I shouldn't expect help. I've seen enough threads about similar things. But I just wish they would want to.

My SILs stayed for the weekend recently, hadn't seen them for months as they live far away. I was suddenly sick and bless them they took the DCs out for a long walk so I could rest, they played lego with them for the entire weekend, sorted their lunch and cleaned up, and had a really long chat with me about how I'm coping. That's the family I want, it's the kind of person I try to be with my friends too. Despite being really unwell, it was such an amazing weekend, but it made me really sad too because I've not been shown that kindness before. If it'd been my parents staying I'd have had unfed DCs being ignored in favour of the TV (apart from the odd cute photo of them on my mum's Facebook). Which is what it will be like next week too. Thankfully we only need to leave after dinner just before their bedtime.

You're all right though, I can't change them. I must repeat this to myself, that it's a reflection on them, not me.

Should really try and stop ranting sleep now, working tomorrow (today! Not usually up this late). Thanks all

[ChippingInAutumnLover]

But now I'm looking around and all I can see is failure. Again

Fuzzy Look at me. LOOK at me. YOU are not a failure. Your parents most certainly are, they dragged you up (sorry, but sometimes you just have to have it said!), you are ill. You and DH are a TEAM and you have done well, really, really well. Do not let her take your fantastic achievement and turn it into nothing.

Tell them to stay away. Farm the kids out to friends, hire someone from Sitters, ask a friend to babysit - there is a way for Cinderella to go to the Ball without the Wicked Mother's Help.

[Adarajames]

Maybe try and find out if there is a Timebank in your area, you may find someone to help with decluttering / cleaning there which won't cost tou

[elliepac]

fuzz you should be so so proud of what you and DH have achieved. Do not let your mum detract from this. You have worked as a team and made real progress. I like the idea of taking photos so you can see the actual difference you are making. Your mum is clearly in no place to criticise. No-one likes confrontation but you must listen to your DH when he tells you how marvellously you are doing. Ignore your mum.

[Quitelikely]

A good tip re your house. More often than not when people can't cope with the mess it is usually due to the volume of things or rubbish they have in the house.

Thinking about it can just put you off tackling it. The best way is IMO not to think about it too much but when you have a spare five minutes get a black bag and start putting things in it. From any room. There doesn't have to be any order to this. Just keep filling that bags.

As the volume of clutter reduces you will feel empowered.

[Howlongtillbedtime]

I don't know your back story but it does sound deliberate that she has chosen the time you are getting your shit together to say something so mean .
She is worried and feeling uneasy that you are doing a much better job than she ever did , and she doesn't like it .

It sounds to me that you are doing a fab job , maybe try and put out some feelers to see if anyone else could babysit ? Have the kids for a sleepover ?

Good luck .

[AuditAngel]

Fuzz we have come across each other on a different thread. I'm sorry your family make you feel like this. I grew up in a house that was beyond cluttered, heaps of clothes on the floor and so on. Even now we have constant friction as DH wants the house immaculate, but doesn't feel it is his job to do any of it. He grew up in a house with both his mum and aunt not working outside the house, and a female cousin 15 years older who was like a 3rd mum. I know exactly what you mean about being overwhelmed.

Try to focus on what you have done so far, and as mentioned above, do a bit in a spare 5 minutes. My current plan, is not to walk past things, but to do them (easier said than done when trying to get kids to school)

[Meerka]

fuzz I don't know your backstory but your post is so sad.

it sounds like you and your husband are doing the very best you can and that you are loving and caring parents. It can be so hard if you are ill to get everything - anything! - done.

Like you say, really caring parents would be there asking you if you'd like them to get the kitchen cleaner out. The practical help would be invaluable but the moral support even more so!

I hope you can get out next week and have a good night out.

[shitatusernames]

I've also come across you on the good housekeeping section, you have done amazing fuzzpig, please don't let your mum bring you down, you have been trying so hard to declutter, I'm with a pp who says that your mum has done this on purpose too xx

[fuzzpig]

Thanks very much everyone. I am so glad I could offload here! Unfortunately my friend isn't at work today so I'll try and keep it together. I do feel slightly better although tired, I don't think I slept til nearly 2. I've decided that our Friday afternoon DVD will be on the laptop so DCs and I can snuggle in bed with the electric blanket on! They'll see that as a real treat.

Thanks for all the advice on the house. At the end of half term we agreed we are determined to keep the progress going - and I mustn't let this stop me!

I know you're all going to be cross with me now because I totally see your point about why I should rearrange next week. But I'm not. Mainly because Mum did say they will be helping - I like the list of jobs idea. She asked me to think of what we can get done that day.

The other reason is that I will be casually mentioning mice, slugs, silverfish and broken windows at any available opportunity!

If the helping doesn't work out then I'll know they were insincere about wanting to help and then the FOTTFSOFAWYGTFOSM conversation may just be the next step. But if it works it'll set a new precedent. IYSWIM. So I hope you won't be mad at me for being a wuss see why I'm giving this a go.

Really need to get ready for work/school, eek. Thanks again

[fuzzpig]

I honestly don't think it was on purpose. Just that she really hated the smell. Damp was never an issue (huge draughty airy house - and tumble dryer - she said yesterday how lucky she was never to deal with this issue herself), smells are the one household issue she's bothered by. She's thoughtless and they were crap parents but in a useless way not a horrible way IYSWIM (hoping you'll actually believe me!)

[IsItMeOr]

fuzz I get what you're saying, as I have some sadness about the support that I wish I had from my parents. And they are lovely, but I still find it hard to talk to them about things.

Is there any way you could get a tumble drier? It makes a huge difference, and they aren't necessarily hugely expensive to buy - although they do need electricity to run, obviously.

We have a dri-buddy, but don't seem to be able to fit much in at a time.

[ChippingInAutumnLover]

Fuzzy. It's no one's place to be angry at you. It's your life, she's your Mum, we're here to support you, not tell you what you have to do. If you and DH still want them to come, then that's up to you.

If they do come, just try to imagine us all there with you though and don't let her upset you. Last night has already set you back and that was just a phone call, I hate to think what she might do in person.

You don't need to be 'brought down' by anyone. You need to be able to sleep, stay as well as you can physically and maintain your positive outlook on your achievements. Anyone who makes you feel bad or drains you, should to be kicked into touch. I have steel capped boots should you need some help


Xx