Help! micro-witch running my love life!

[RedchairBluechair]

I’ve been in a relationship with a great woman since January. She has a 13 year old (an only child) who lives 50% with her and with the daughter’s dad, so they each have her every second week plus 50% of school holidays. I have 2 daughters, 15 and 17, who live with me every second weekend plus some holidays and I otherwise see a lot of. My girlfriend and I have arranged our lives so that every second weekend we do not have our children, and can spend time together.

Our two families have had a couple of shared holidays, and got on fine. My girlfriends’s daughter has stayed overnight at my house with my daughters and their two girl cousins. My two and me are due to stay overnight at my girlfriend’s place with her daughter there, on Saturday night.

My girlfriend’s daughter is often extremely rude to both parents, both privately and in public. She has apparently always been like it, so it is more than just teenagerish. My girls are saints by comparison. My girlfriend says her daughter is very like her ex partner, so it may be inherited/learned behaviour.

The real problem is that the daughter is extremely possessive of her mother, and forbids me to stay overnight at her mother’s house when she is there. The first time I did she threatened to sleep in the garden shed! Another occasion she went missing for hours. Another occasion when she learned that I was going to stay over she phoned her dad who picked her up and took her back to his. More recently I stayed one night midweek and took a roast chicken etc over because her mother had worked late, and the daughter refused to eat the meal and had her mother cook pasta which she ate in the same room but separately from us.

Tonight I was due to stay at my girlfriend’s but she said it would be too confrontational, so I’m home alone.

I am in a relationship where I can only see my girlfriend every second week! I try to be pragmatic about it but it’s getting me down. Help!

[InfinitySeven]

You cannot refer to your girlfriends daughter as a micro witch.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

You poor baby. However will you cope being apart from your GF? I am amazed you could write an entire post without her by your side.

FFS get over yourself, children come first.

[lunar1]

Maybe she senses your attitude, you can't call her a witch.

[howtodrainyourflagon]

It sounds pretty bad for all of you. You might want to ask mnhq to change the thread title as it might distract people from responding constructively.

[PennyJennyPie]

What Infinity said.

[TheLostPelvicFloorOfPoosh]

'Micro-witch'?

'the daughter'?

I cannot for the life of me imagine why she doesn't like you.

[DiaDuit]

I'm sure your daughters are not saints. however, how would you feel about someone calling them microwitch? Would you accept that from a partner?

[coolaschmoola]

If my bf spoke about my dd like that online I'd solve his issue with two weeks... By telling him to fuck the fuck off permanently.

If your gfs dd has behavioural issues that she's had for years that's down to BOTH her parents, not just her dad. Are you sure you really want your 'saints' around a woman who raised her child to be rude?

I don't doubt the dd is picking up on your vibes and knows what you think of her, and for some reason she doesn't like you?

It's been less than ten months, you can be there when she isn't, but in such a short time you want to be coupley whenever you want?

Back off, show some consideration for this CHILD who is only there every other week anyway. She sees her mum 50% of the time and you want to encroach on that with her mum's agreement after ten months....

And you wonder why she's not happy about it?! Ffs!

[Walkacrossthesand]

'Micro -witch' may have been a flippant choice of term but, as you see above, it colours opinions. 'The daughter' I suspect was to clarify whose dad (ie not grandad).
What does your GF think of this? I fear that she is not very skilled at saying 'no' to her DD (hence the unaddressed rudeness) in which case she's not going to be able to steer this situation towards her DD accepting you overnight. Have you talked to her about it?

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Micro witch? You utter knob.

[blanketyblank100]

It's never going to work if you don't treat her like a daughter. How would you feel if your ex had a new partner and referred to your daughters as you have done here? Regardless of how awful she's being, it's a horrible thing that she's going through. You have options but this is the only way she can have a say.

[Fairenuff]

'Micro witch' does not colour opinions, it perfectly illustrates the contempt OP feels towards the child and is very relevant to the thread.

[ThreeQuartersEmpty]

She's only 13.

[squitchey]

It might help if you tried having some empathy for how this 'micro witch' ... or rather, this 13 year-old child - might be feeling, when she sees her mum only half the time and is being expected to give up some of that precious time for some random bloke who's suddenly on the scene, taking up her mum's attention. Patience (real, long term patience) and being kind and nice to her is probably the way forward.

[PacificDogwood]

I hope your GF finds a way to parent her teenaged daughter - I cannot see how you are going to be supportive of that which for me would be a deal breaker wrt the relationship.

You are the adult here, not a confused 13 yo

[BonfireoftheVanities]

My girlfriend’s daughter is often extremely rude to both parents, both privately and in public. . .The real problem is that the daughter is extremely possessive of her mother, and forbids me to stay overnight at her mother’s house when she is there.

As someone said above, the daughter obviously has behavioral issues. These need to be addressed by her parents. She is probably acting up to get attention since her parents separated. On a simplistic level, she may feel that if she obstructs your relationship with her mother, it will mean her parents will reconcile. This needs to be dealt with by her parents and possibly counselling/therapy if they can't manage it alone.

Entirely separately, it doesn't matter what the the issues are, it is not acceptable for a child of that age to "forbid" her parent to do anything. Her mother should not allow her to behave like that at all. It sounds like her mother (probably because she feels guilty) has lost control over the disciplining of her child.

Question is: what are you going to do about it?

If you see the child as "a micro-witch" it suggests that you are very hostile to her and see as obstructive. If your relationship with her mother is to go forward or even last, you will need to build a relationship with her daughter. You will need to put a massive effort into this as she is obviously very hostile to you and you will need to change your own attitude. Do you want to do that? Or would it be easier to find a new relationship? Perhaps you should think about that.

Separately, I would encourage the mother to assess her daughter's behaviour and consider ways her daughter could be helped. Given your "micro-witch" attitude, if you do this straight off the bat (Without first making a big effort with her daughter) your gf may not listen to you as she will perceive this as you just blaming her daughter.

Your gf and her father both need to work on improving the behavior of their daughter. A 13 year old should not be able to "demand" her father pick her up for no good reason (the father should have spoken to your gf and then refused to pick her up); nor should she be able to just "disappear".

[WestEast]

My DSD is 5, she can have a sulky nature sometimes, do things that irritate me, etc.

However she is a child, a small child, who has been through upset and upheavals. Her behaviour reflects that at times. We choose to praise her good behaviours and understand and respect her feelings at the amount of things she has gone through in her little life.

I am the adult, she is the child, she is given love without condition, which is what she needs and deserves.

It's what your partners child needs.
Be the adult.

[Lweji]

I don't get it. She stays at your place and has gone on holiday, but doesn't want you to stay at her mother's when she is there?

[Emstheword]

If you really want to stay in the relationship, it's going to take you (wasn't sure if you're male or female?) and your partner working together to help her daughter to feel secure (without cosseting or pandering to bad behaviour), as well as you working on a real relationship with her. It sounds like she's playing up to test you and you need to prove to her that whatever she throws at you, you still care an awful lot. Slowly she'll come around if you handle this right....you've had a hard time on here, but your choice of words didn't do you any favours. Just remember she is 13 and vulnerable...brattish behaviour is just letting you know she's unhappy with the arrangement. Being open and talking and allowing her some dignity, without criticism, will be a good start. Good luck!

[knittingdad]

Hopefully this isn't about you*, but about your girlfriend's relationship with her daughter. Remember that this is a lot more difficult for her then it is for you - have some compassion.

If you want some advice from someone who knows her, it's worth asking her Dad about the situation.

• If it is about you then it's because you have acted in a way with this young lady that has seriously threatened her and you need a reality check.

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

Your sex life is more important than your friend's daughter's peace of mind?

Can we speak to your 'girlfriend', please? I think she needs to hear our opinions.

[RedchairBluechair]

Gosh, I go away and cook some pasta and watch some trash TV and it all kicks off. It confirms the held view that Mumsnet sometimes struggles to show a sense of humour!

First off, my girlfriend calls herself the witch and her daughter the micro witch. Live with it.

I am on good terms with her daughter. I have taken her shopping so she can buy things for her mother. We hug to say goodbye when we part. She really can be charming. Her mother says it is not me that she dislikes, just the principle of me!

On the wider behavioural front (thank you for your helpful advice Bonfire, ditto Ems and others) my girlfriend did take her to their GP for advice but for some reason it did not go further. I have suggested the 3 of them should look into family therapy, but my girlfriend has not taken it up.

An odd thing is that the dad has not met me and does not want to, which I find strange –anyone spending time with my children (I mean like my ex’s boyfriends) I check out.

[Aussiemum78]

You think it's hard only seeing your girlfriend every second week? How hard do you think it is for a child to only see her MUM every second week?

It's not all about you.

I think you should leave the overnights while the kids are there. They aren't ready.

But I think the mum needs to crack down on the lack of manners and pouting to get separate meals too. A 13 year old should be able to cope with a guest for dinner, even if they haven't given "permission". She doesn't have to like you, but she cn behave politely toward you.

[Aussiemum78]

Btw many 13 year olds are very prudish and uncomfortable about sex. I'm guessing the overnights is really about her discomfort with this.

That's why I say leave the overnights on alternate weeks and focus on a relationship with dsd.