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Not sure if I am overreacting

(55 Posts)
paranoid2014 Sat 01-Nov-14 13:08:59

I am a regular but have name changed. Purely because I am embarrassed to be in this situation. I may be totally paranoid and overreacting. so if I am please give me a virtual slap wink (of you recognise me please don't out me, I have family on here and would rather this stay private).

I have been married for a few months now. everything seemed sickeningly perfect. I thought were both very happy and enjoying our life together.
then a few weeks ago DH started acting a bit strange. Every time my phone made a noise he would ask who it was within seconds (doesn't really bother me as I have nothing to hide, was just getting ott). Whenever he rang me from work he would ask if I was alone. I would reply that yes I am and he would then question it saying "are you sure, you sound weird" hmm . I have been alone on every occasion he has asked this.
He then started to randomly ask things like would I ever cheat on him. which I have always replied of course I wouldn't and I love him to pieces. By this point I am (silently) getting sick of his blatantly paranoia and insecurity as I have honestly never given him reason to feel that way. I realise people can become insecure sometimes. God knows I have in my life. But it was starting to become an everyday thing.

It came to a head last week. I had been very ill with pregnancy related illnesses but was starting to feel better. Every day after work he would come home and question why was I dressed? why was I wearing make up (when not ill I wear make up everyday)? had I been out? had I spoke to anyone? seen anyone?

I'd had enough at this point. I had tried being sympathetic and reassuring him. But there is only so long I could do that without wondering why the fuck are you being like this?

I'm not proud of it and I hate myself for it but I snooped on his Facebook. I wish I hadn't because now I have become the paranoid one.

What I read wasn't exactly incriminating but made me feel confused and sad. He had sent a message to a woman who attended our wedding. she was a guest of a family member. He had told me he didn't like this woman because she was obsessed with him at one point and always flirted with him. I told him it was just one day and we will be too busy to care so just let it go. anyway, he had messaged her a couple of days after our wedding, (whilst we were on our honeymoon!) saying how good it was to see her, how great and nice she looked etc etc. He hadn't messaged anyone else in regards to our wedding day so why take time out of your honeymoon to message someone you apparently don't like to tell them how nice they looked? she either didn't reply or the replies have been deleted. All messages before that day were him contacting her first asking her to ring him. so I think it was the other way around to what he made out.

There were messages to other woman. nothing sexual but lots of phrases like 'babe' and 'darling' and basically speaking like he would with me. He has previously moaned at me for referring the a (gay male) friend as 'babe' as he sees it as flirty.

There were messages back and forth between him and a woman I know. who he apparently contacted on my behalf! I never asked him to do this. But the general gist of the conversation was that he thought she was lovely and all I ever do is moan and annoy himsad I thought we had been happy.

so that's it. No sign on a blatant affair but a lot of stuff that doesn't sit right with me and made a huge pit in my stomach. I can't look at him the same now. He has been questioning me when really it should have been the other way around. Should I be feeling so angry and sad? am I overreacting?

I wish I hadn't bloody well looked.

PoundingTheStreets Sat 01-Nov-14 13:25:09

Ignorance is bliss? Perhaps, but I'd say it is always better to be fully informed when it comes to trusting someone with the rest of your life. However much it hurts when someone lets you down, at least if you know you can take steps to avoid it happening again in the future.

He wouldn't be the first cheater who accuses their innocent partner of doing the same. It's very common, sadly.sad

I really, really feel for you. What a shitty situation to be in. flowers

The big question is what you want to happen next.

ladyblablah Sat 01-Nov-14 13:27:25

The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off.

If he's not already been 'hooking up' with women. He will do when he gets chance.

It's a deal breaker for me. But as with everything you have to decide what's right for you.

It's doubly hard when you are pregnant. However, it is also doubly important not to be around a total soul destroyer.

Piffyonarockbun Sat 01-Nov-14 13:28:46

i dont think you are overreacting. i know that when my ex was begining to cheat. by that i mean when he was considering it and messaging women to try and get something going he suddenly began to talk about cheating an awful lot. lots of 'what would you do if i cheated' and 'would you ever cheat' and less obvious like 'who would get the cats if we split up' hmm . me, as it goes smile . what i mean is before he had even physically cheated it was like he just couldnt stop talking about it. couldnt seem to help himself. it was like it was on his mind constantly so he had to try and start 'innocuous' conversations to let it out.

he did eventually start challenging me about male friends which he had never done before. he worked away sometimes so would ring literally on the hour, checking up on me. in the end it turned out it was all because he wanted to cheat. i hope this isnt the case with your DH and im sure someone wiser will come along soon and put it better than i can. i do think the feeling in the pit of your stomach is worth listening to though. you know something has changed so trust yourself. thanks

Cabrinha Sat 01-Nov-14 13:31:55

I'm glad you did look. Before you waste your life on this arsehole.
I'm all for working through problems in marriage.
But he took time out of your HONEYMOON to flirt with someone.
Frankly, I think you're in for a miserable marriage if you stay.
And all the accusations? Awful. Annoying now, but what if they grind you down? When are you going to stop wearing make up because he doesn't like it? Or not see your friends?
I'm worried for you.
He's done more than enough already for you to get rid. You don't need him to have fucked someone else. He will though, given time.
It's just so common that he ramps up this kind of shit when you're now married and pregnant.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe Sat 01-Nov-14 13:32:24

You were right to 'snoop'. I don't know why people feel shy about it.
Do you want to spend your whole life like this, or are you going to get out and start again?

Mampire Sat 01-Nov-14 13:32:47


Not sure what is going on in his headbut he clearly still has his eyes out elsewhere. Worse for me, would be the way he has portrayed you to his crushes!!!
And it is not even a case of ignorance is bliss, he is accusing u of doing the things he's thinking about. So u get interrogated and put on trial because HE has a few crushes he's trying keep the linez of communication open with - ?

Mampire Sat 01-Nov-14 13:38:22

Piffy, interesting.. my most recent x told me what i was thinking and then reacted indignantly to what he told me i was thinking. Madness. Im so glad i didnt waste too much time defending myself! It was all about his own doubts, his own "coldness", not mine. Total projection. When i ended it he told ME that i was an emotional manipulator. Id NEVER attempted to manipulate him, not once.

Sorry for hijack op.

paranoid2014 Sat 01-Nov-14 13:40:37

i don't know what to dosad
I'm flitting between feeling angry and wanting to have it out with him to feeling guilty for looking because i know he wouldn't like it.

He has always been very vocal about cheating and morals. always saying that he hates people who cheat and lie etc.

i feel deflated. i don't know if i should confront him. i don't know if i should speak to him and sort of dig for more. i don't know if i should just ignore it and play along with the charade that everything is fine.

i wondered why it took him almost a week and a lot of asking on my behalf to actually sleep with me once we were married angry

what would you guys do now? I literally have no idea what to do or say. or if I am even string enough to confront this.

Custardo Sat 01-Nov-14 13:47:38

if you think its bad now, wait until you have a child - i dont often go OTT on these type of things but i have a concern that he may have you well under the thumb totally dependent on him in no time at all.

if you are planning to stay and make the most of it you need to

go to relate - talking it through with a third person puts a perspective on it - i mean saying these things in front of a stranger you definatley hear yourself being insane

make sure you have your own bank account - different bank. this is a must. do not be financially dependant on him. ensure you know all your financial ins and outs and agree to pay bills which leave you both with the same amount of disposable income. eg. my dh transfers 100pm into my account as i pay the mortgage and therefore have less disposable income.

it doesn't mean i spend it on whatever i like - we both spend it on things we need. it does mean i dont ever have to 'ask permission' to have money. dont be in a poition where you have to ask permission

if you drive - have your own transport. If you don't you should learn to drive.

paranoid2014 Sat 01-Nov-14 13:47:56

He has tried to call me. He is working this weekend. But my heart is right up in my throat and I don't want to say the wrong thing

Custardo Sat 01-Nov-14 13:50:35

tbh, if my husband had asked if i was alone in an accusatory tone i would ask why he ws asking. if the answer got weird i would tell him to fuck off

if dh asked why i was wearing make up - i would honestly say " what the fuck has it got to do with you"

Custardo Sat 01-Nov-14 13:52:12

and then there is the drama thing.

if you arent' willing to sit and have a reasonable conversation about it all, then you must admit to yourself that you both like eastender type drama in your lives.

There must be a plan of action and a solution orientated approach.

paranoid2014 Sat 01-Nov-14 13:54:12

custardo I appreciate your input but I can honestly say I am not enjoying this one bit. Nor do I want a big drama. that is why I am asking for advise on what to do or say because right now I am not thinking rationally

NickiFury Sat 01-Nov-14 13:55:11

That would be enough be to throw him out on his arse. He's not invested in you or your marriage. Arsehole angry.

Joysmum Sat 01-Nov-14 14:05:12

I'd find it interesting to discover what he thinks is inappropriate behaviour from you if he questions you again and then judge him by the same benchmarks.

I've a feeling he's projecting what he's doing onto you knowing it's wrong and yet he's doing it anyway.

If he's knowingly doing wrong on your honeymoon and lying to you, things will only get progressively worse. I'd be out of there like a shot.

Wonc Sat 01-Nov-14 14:09:10

I don't think you are enjoying the drama at all.
I really feel for you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
What do you want to do? It does sound as though he is testing the waters with these women. It sounds as though he is seeking an affair. I'm sorry.
Would he go to counselling?
Are you frightened of confronting him?

paranoid2014 Sat 01-Nov-14 14:09:24

I want to confront him. But I know the second I do it will all be turned onto me and how wrong I am for looking in the first place. I know he will undoubtedly try to pass it off as friendly chat. but at the same time I know all he'll would break loose if it were the other way around.

I want to tell him we need to talk. I can't keep ignoring his calls. He will know something is up soon enough.

Wonc Sat 01-Nov-14 14:17:08

You do sound a bit frightened of him to be honest para.
If your relationship was healthy you would be able to broach this. Instead you are concerned about his reaction. This is not right.

Whatever you do, please tell someone in real life. Do not cover for this man. You have done nothing wrong.

Mampire Sat 01-Nov-14 14:18:03

Instead of having it out with him, focus on how you feel.

I feel like im on trial.
I don't feel valued, understood, respected
I feel nervous wondering what ill be accused of next
I believe i made a mistake
I kknow im not happy

Etc etc

If u focus on his mails to other women and what he's said about u he'll deny everything.

ImperialBlether Sat 01-Nov-14 14:20:27

Custardo, you are making huge assumptions there. Some people find it terrifying to confront their partner if the result is going to be a divorce. To hesitate to bring up something really difficult doesn't meant the OP enjoys a drama! I imagine this guy is going to blame her for snooping (not that I think she was being unreasonable) and she's worrying she will end up apologising for that - we see that happen on here all the time.

OP - he doesn't sound very nice at all. Do you really want to stay with him?

Thumbscrewswitch Sat 01-Nov-14 14:22:20

It does sound like shit. It also sounds as though he is measuring you by his own low standard for himself - i.e., he thinks about cheating, if he hasn't already, and therefore assumes that you will do too.

Do you really want this for the rest of your life? sad

Mampire Sat 01-Nov-14 14:24:01

If it turns in to a trial, just keep repeating that u dont believe u can be happy with him.

Getting away from my x was a real court case. I was put on trial and my reasons for wanting to end the relationship were cross examined. He put such a negative twist on everythi g i did but gave himself the benefit of the doubt iyswim.

Looking back, the torture would have been over quicker if id said things that werent so arguable. I wish id just said " im not happy living with you. I do not love you. This life is not what i want".
The trials exhausted me.

paranoid2014 Sat 01-Nov-14 14:24:57

I am frightened. not that he will hurt me. But I know how weak I am. I am known as a push over. so I am scared that he will say I'm in the wrong, I'm making a fuss of nothing. I'm being stupid etc and I will back down and believe it. I have form for this.

He keeps ringing and is now sending texts asking why I am ignoring him. I really want to text back and tell him I know but I realise I need to tread carefully for my own sanity. I am currently drinking tea and trying to decide my next step.

I will be confronting him, without a doubt. but as pathetic as it sounds I need to ensure I have all the information/proof I need and my words planned out. otherwise I may crack and back down.

I don't know what I want to happen. I love him. But he has proven to be someone I thought he would never be. I feel like I have been living a lie.

however Sat 01-Nov-14 14:25:38

How long have you known this man?

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