Views from the other side

[hurtinghubby]

I'm sorry, I know this site is for Mum's rather than Dad's, but I'm hurting and I don't know what to do/where to go.

My wife of 1.5 years (together for 8.5) has been found to be telling someone else she loves him. I can quote from some texts between the two of them:

"If you want to jump I'll be waiting to catch you with open arms. If not I'll respect your choice and we can be friends."

She has lied in the past in order to spend time with this other man. When she was caught out with that due to his wife finding out, she changed her number, changed her Facebook ID and all sorts to stop the harrassment. I'm still not over this even now, and this was months ago and she promised me that nothing happened, she just wanted to be there for her friend.

She continues to work with him (this I knew, though they weren't supposed to see each other often), and they've been exchanging texts again despite her promises to me. The content of these messages has torn me apart. I just don't know what to do :(

She says she was never going to leave me, but how else can that message be read?

I'm sorry. I don't think I have explained myself very well. I started crying again half way through this. It just hurts so damned much.

I asked her what she wanted, and whether she was even wanting to build bridges. She said she didn't know, and how did I feel? I don't know how I feel but what I did say was that to even consider it would mean huge changes for her. Her first response was 'I'm not leaving my job'. She works with this man. To save our marriage that would be my number 1 requirement.

I don't even know if there is anything worth saving. I forgave her last time for our two boys and their lives, but I can't live my life unhappy for them can I? That can't be right?

[financialwizard]

Is she willing to go to relate or similar. If I am honest I'm not sure it would be a deal breaker but it would be the last time I was made to feel like a fool and there would have to be some consequences.

[financialwizard]

Thinking about it if I was continually lied to I would walk.

[hurtinghubby]

I just looked up relate. We have no money at all (I mean at all) and it's on average £50 a session! :(

She fell out with her mum and dad just before our wedding and we footed the bill for everything they had agreed to pay. We're £15k in the red and have nothing between us. We provide for the boys, we all eat healthily, but that's about it.

I suppose the biggest problem, thinking pragmatically, is that I don't think I'll ever get past the doubt that it will happen again. She told me that I was too cold with her and that needed to change, and for some weeks now I've been telling her that I'm trying, and she's too distant. Seems this makes sense to me now. She might have been with me in body, but not mind or heart :(

[realitygone]

Poor you :-(

the fact that she refuses to change jobs for me screams that she doesn't want to be away from this man.

I think you need to start to let go and consider your options of splitting up for good.

[hurtinghubby]

She did say that she would put in for a transfer, but I need her to commit to something (namely me!) and I can't see another clear way of her doing that.

She loves her job, she really does, but if she makes it me or the job and chooses the job...

[MegaClutterSlut]

For my own sanity I would have to leave. It sounds like her heart is elsewhere and all the while you are getting treated like crap. If she was genuinely sorry she would've stopped contact with the OM but shes not doing that. I honestly couldn't trust her after all this and you deserve to be with someone who only has eyes for you. you are forever going to be looking at her phone etc and that's no way to live. good luck op

[AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons]

That should be her decision. It isn't up to you to keep her faithful by curtailing her exposure to temptation by insisting she leaves her job.

You just need to tell her the lying and cheating is unacceptable and you can't remain in a marriage where there's no trust.

[AnyFucker]

you are doing the pick me dance and it's never going to work because all it does it make you look like a mug (check out the rest of that site, btw, it's brilliant)

She is a liar and a pisstaker. Why would you tolerate this. Find some self respect and tell her to take a running jump. You can sort out access to your boys and still be their dad without moping around like some sort of cuckolded husband waiting for crumbs

[hurtinghubby]

I don't want 'access' to my boys. I want them with me.

[AnyFucker]

If you can manage it work-wise, you could apply for 50/50 residency which is getting more common (and rightly so where the children are not used as pawns in dysfunctional relationships)

Or, park your self respect at the door and accept that your wife will continue to take the piss with whatever other grubby little man takes her fancy

It's an option, I suppose

[AnyFucker]

I believe you are justified in insisting she finds another job, btw. That is standard advice when adulterers work with the people they cheated with.

[MegaClutterSlut]

I think your going to drive yourself insane if you stay. I can understand you want your boys with you but honestly it's much better for them to see their dad happy then seeing u and your DW together in your marriage the way it is

[Vivacia]

How dare she keep you hanging on whilst she refuses to make up her mind?

What is the situation with your work, her work and the children's childcare? If possible I'd be asking her to move out and giving myself some space to think clearly. You need to realise that you can cope without her. She needs to realise that you're not going to play along with her games any more.

I too think you are well within your rights to make a change of jobs a condition of continuing with your relationship.

[AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons]

It sounds as though she's already made up her mind and she's waiting to see if the work colleague comes through for her.

[hurtinghubby]

My work will be OK. I have a new boss but have been with the company for 15+ years. The boys are at school now, though the youngest is only part time at nursery and we're funding the rest of his time there. I have been traveling a lot with work, but there shouldn't really be an issue changing that as required.

I thought I was mad when people were responding saying I have no say in where she works. How can she carry on working there with someone she has this history and I be OK with that? She needs to work at rebuilding things and trust is a big part of that. I couldn't trust her around him now.

Perhaps that's the answer?

[AnyFucker]

I don't think her just no longer working with him is the complete answer.

It doesn't address the permission she gave herself to cheat. It doesn't stop her doing it again with the next chancer she tips the wink at. It doesn't stop her still seeing him outside of work hours.

[Vivacia]

I couldn't trust her around him now.

I think you could if she was doing everything within her power to earn your trust. It doesn't sound as though she's knocking herself out at all though.

[dollius]

Well she can leave can't she and get "access" to the children. Not sure why OP should be the one to leave (not that anyone said that, but anyway).

OP, your W is trying to shift blame onto you (you are "too cold" towards her - well I would be bloody cold towards any spouse who was doing this too!). It is generally accepted that a marriage cannot be repaired unless (a) the one having the affair accepts ALL the responsibility for this and does not pass blame in this way or (b) the person being cheated on decides s/he can live with this level of disrespect.

I know which option I would be insisting on….

[AnyFucker]

No, OP should not necessarily be the one to leave and if i gave that impression it was inadvertent

OP, if your wife "decides" she wants the OM and you are out in the proverbial cold, what do you think she expects to happen ?

[hurtinghubby]

I think she would expect us to sell the house and split what's left, the boys go with her and I disappear.

She'd be wrong, mind.

[AnyFucker]

She doesn't sound liek a decent person. What are you hanging on for ?

[hurtinghubby]

She's been a very decent and honest person in the past. Even those that have consoled me and badmouthed me in the past 24-48 hours have only spoken about very recent goings on, with the one exception of something that happened 8 years ago when the two of us split for 6 months which was kissing someone I know on a night out. I knew that already but didn't know anyone else did, the individual in question came and spoke to me about it after she'd told me. We sorted it out.

Until recently I've had no reason to doubt, and the first bout of lies I stayed for the boys, and to work things out.

I think things are becoming clearer as I type.

[hurtinghubby]

Badmouthed her* sorry, not me.

[AnyFucker]

I wouldn't spend any more time joining in with "badmouthing" her in RL.

Just make sure you act honourably at all times, and then you can never be reproached for anything in the future.

[shaska]

OP - when the man's wife found out and you mention harassment - was it the wife 'harassing' her? As in, this was a very angry and upset woman contacting your wife about something inappropriate with her (the woman's) husband and your wife changed her number etc, and then carried on being in touch with this man? What did she need to 'be there' for? How did you find out about this?

I'm sorry, but if I'm reading this right, your wife is having an affair, she's been having this affair for quite some time, and in my opinion it's not going to go away. At minimum, I think you need some time apart. Personally I strongly believe that it's better for children to have separated parents than unhappy ones, especially when there are other people involved.