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Confused..sad etc

(34 Posts)
BadMother2014 Tue 05-Aug-14 22:04:22

I have 2 children under 3 and for the past few months my best friend has been trying to concieve. She has been going through IVF and Ive supported her every step of the way. Even when she said seeing my kids was too painful I tried to understand. When she never came to see me while I was pregnant, even though I was very ill I tried to understand. I recently suffered a miscarriage which I only told her about after she had her egg transfer as I didnt want to create any distress. I was still freshly upset about it but I still swallowed it down and talked to her about doing her pregnancy test and how excited she was. Sadly the test came up negative and she is facing doing another round of IVF.. one of which I have offered money so she can do it sooner, which she gladly accepted.
Today my partner had to undergo surgery for possible tumors. I had told her about this and it turns out he has had to have three biopsy's today with quite an awful procedure. Obviously now we are very worried and it doesnt look good. Yet today I have had no phonecall or text to ask how things went and I feel totally let down by her. Feeling like things are a one way street. Am i over reacting?

BadMother2014 Tue 05-Aug-14 22:16:13

Someone pls smile

BadMother2014 Tue 05-Aug-14 22:31:33

Anyone xx

whitsernam Tue 05-Aug-14 22:33:07

I tried to post earlier, but it didn't go through.. sorry.

Some people (many people) just do not know what to say to someone going through something as scary as biopsies. Maybe if you call her, she will still be supportive, maybe not... Can you rely on family? The type of procedures your H is going through are scary enough, but coming on top of your miscarriage, I can really see how you'd want some kind feelings from someone. She may really be on a one way street, but she's not the whole world.

Do be kind to yourself; this is a lot for anyone to handle.

LittleLadyFooFoo Tue 05-Aug-14 22:44:16

I'm sorry to hear of your recent mc and your partner's illness. I hope the outcome is a good one.
I have recently felt similar about 2 friends whom I've supported through difficult times, yet when my exDP and I went through a stressful separation, I didn't hear from them.
I'm still not too sure about their friendship. I've backed off a bit. Regards your friend, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps she will be in touch. She sounds like she really appreciated your support. I wish you all the best x

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 05-Aug-14 22:53:14

I am so sorry for your MC, have been there twice myself. My experience was that some friends didn't know what to say so they stayed away, probably to leave me and my stbxh to grieve in peace. I believe a MC is a very personal thing to go through and I see now that they didn't mean anything by leaving us alone.

It's devastating that your DP has undergone this procedure today and I hope the outcome is a positive one. Sometimes, when we feel helpless, we look at those who we have supported and wonder why or even get angry for them not reciprocating in the way that we have towards them. It's perfectly natural for you to feel like this.

You know your friend better than we do so you would know if she's being a bit thoughtless, wrapped up in her own situation or just not knowing how to react to you.

How was she with you when you told her your DP was having these investigations?

I truly hope things improve for you thanks

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 05-Aug-14 22:54:04

By the way, why the username? I didn't want to refer to you by it sad

BadMother2014 Tue 05-Aug-14 22:54:09

I just feel I keep giving her the benefit of the doubt and she doesnt reciprocate.

LittleLadyFooFoo Tue 05-Aug-14 22:56:38

Well, I suggest you back off from supporting her. Concentrate on you and your DP. Maybe once she sees you are not at her side constantly, she will realise that you need a bit of support too x

BadMother2014 Tue 05-Aug-14 22:56:42

We were debating to terminate pregnancy but decided to keep it.. then I lost it. Just total rollercoster

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 05-Aug-14 22:58:07

If that's the case, I would distance myself slightly. You have enough emotional traumas to be dealing with yourself. Hopefully by distancing yourself, you will stop expecting her to be there for you.

Usually I would say talk to her but both of you have too much to be dealing with right now.

BadMother2014 Tue 05-Aug-14 22:58:56

I actually feel angry towards her. She isnt the type of person not to know what to say. She would. She has fallen out with alot of her friends recently as she has felt they havent supported her enough through her ivf journey. She even had a happy hormones party whoch hardly anyone turned up too apart from me and a couple of others.

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 05-Aug-14 23:00:40

If your MC was recent then your hormones may still be in a state of confusion. You are still grieving and I'm guessing the decision you almost made is the reason for your name?

Give yourself a break, look after yourself.

Rivercam Tue 05-Aug-14 23:02:46

Concentrate on yourself and your partner. You are going through a tough time, and need to put yourself first.

I hope all is well for you both.

Rivercam Tue 05-Aug-14 23:08:07

A happy hormone party?! Not heard of that before.

Sounds like she likes being centre of attention. IVF can't be easy, but friendship works two ways. Perhaps she hasn't realised how intense she has become regarding her Ivf, and hence has pushed friends away.

Maybe she will turn up trumps and contact you tomorrow, and just wanted to give you space today, as she knows how traumatic and tiring hospital visits can be.

HumblePieMonster Tue 05-Aug-14 23:19:55

thinking of you.

Cabrinha Tue 05-Aug-14 23:26:14

Wtf is a happy hormones party?!

I'm sorry about your mc. Mine devastated me, I'm
sure it's hard to go through whatever your thoughts on whether to progress with the pregnancy.

It does sound like it would be better to distance yourself a bit. I hope you get good news from the biopsies.

LatinForTelly Tue 05-Aug-14 23:30:30

I'm sorry about your miscarriage, OP, and your partner's health problems.

I don't think you're overreacting. You've been through a lot, and I can see why you'd want your friend's support. I'm not sure what to suggest though. I never know whether it's best to be (gently) honest with such a good friend, or take a step back and wait until the hurt has subsided a bit.

We should be able to talk to our good friends, shouldn't we, but I know I've bottled it in the past.

Good luck, OP. I hope your partner's biopsy results are good.

BadMother2014 Wed 06-Aug-14 13:23:06

So no message from her still but can see from her twitter feed she is totally self absorbed in her IVF. That is fine but I have decided to take a step back. She obviously cant think further than herself so time to close things down. This is the last straw.

LividofLondon Wed 06-Aug-14 14:08:07

It's all about her isn't it; she's more than happy to lap up the sympathy and support from from friends but is too selfish to reciprocate. Not what I would call a great friend.

roland83 Wed 06-Aug-14 14:24:44

Try not to take it personally, I guess she has gone crazy about the IVF and is probably spending all her time on the internet researching how to make it more successful and hasn't given you a second thought.

I think everyone has times in their life when they have a massive selfish episode and blank everything else out, not that it makes it okay.

Not that I'm condoning it at all, and I feel so sorry for you that she has let you down when you needed her most.

Do you have other friends you can lean on at this time?

MillyDots Wed 06-Aug-14 14:38:37

I think she seems like someone I would not want as a friend. It is all about her and her life and is not there for you when you need her. Trying for a baby and not getting pregnant is heartbreaking but equally so is losing your baby and what your oh is going through. Especially since you have given her money as well.

Iflyaway Wed 06-Aug-14 15:04:28

Some people are just selfish and self-obsessed.

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

cirawalker Fri 08-Aug-14 02:24:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BadMother2014 Sat 09-Aug-14 07:36:27

She now hasnt contacted me for 5 days... maybe she is upset Im not messaging her.
Thats it for me now. I womt be replying to any of her texts
How sad

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