Do I tell secret that could blow worlds apart or keep my mouth shut?

[MrsDiesel]

Complicated story so I will simplify as much as possible.

I had a relationship which broke down. We had a son together, split up when he was 18 months old but got back together after 18 months and went on to get married. I will call this man bob.

During the time Bob and I were separated I had another relationship with a man who I will call Roger. Roger and I were very on and off as he was a serial cheat.

One of the times we broke I had a very drunken wild weekend and has sex with Roger, Bob and another ex who I will call Henry. This was all in one weekend. I'm not proud of myself but I was on the pill and I was young (20) and stupid.

Soon after I realised I was pregnant. Went yo the doctor and from the dates given thought I had conceived whilst on holiday with Roger (two weeks prior to the crazy weekend).

Because we were very on/off Roger understandably wanted a dna test once the child was born. I agreed but was convinced that he was the father because I thought I had conceived on holiday. Bob and Henry both asked if the child was theirs and I said no.

Bob comes to look after our child whilst I am in hospital having m new baby. I was in for three days. Bob asks me to give things another go and I agree so he just never leaves. Roger by this point has another girlfriend and doesn't speak to me. He does the dna test and the baby is not his.

I confess to Bob at this point that I had my dates mixed up and there is a chance the baby is his or Henrys. Henry lives hundreds of miles away with his partner (who he cheated on with me during our ons. Bob decides the baby is his and it is never mentioned again until we split up 3 years later. He says just once that she isn't his anyway. He later apologised and it was never mentioned again. This was 3.5 years ago.

So dd is now 6, sees bob regularly and adores her dad. Every so often I do wonder if he is her dad but they love each other and Henry is married to the partner he cheated on with me, they have a daughter and another on the way.

Friday night my sister and I were discussing the possibility of Henry being dd's dad and we looked at pictures of his daughter on Facebook. The resemblance to my daughter is quite striking.

So do I tell him he could possibly be her dad? I think that is the right thing to do but it could blow his life apart.

If he decided to be involved it would upset things between dd and the dad she adores. Bob would be gutted because although he knows there is a chance he has his head truly in the sand.

I know this mess is my own fault and I should have been honest with him in the first place but I genuinely believed that she was Rogers and then I didn't know what to do after that. I just want to forget everything and carry on as we are.

[avoiretre]

It's a tough decision. I would toss a coin and decide that way.

[MrsDiesel]

Just so I don't drip feed..

No father is named on the birth certificate.

Dd had my name until Bob and I got married and we both now have his name as does ds.

[MrsDiesel]

avoiretre would you honestly toss a coin?

[Lettucesnow]

For your daughter's sake, DNA tests all round to find her genetic father in case there is something medical that needs investigating later in life. Her REAL father is the one that's raising her.

[MrsDiesel]

Lettuce I considered dna testing the two children to see if they are full siblings, therefore proving that bob is the father without upsetting anyone but then if Henry is the dad, do I tell him?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I agree with the PP and not just for the medical reasons. The definition of a secret is that no-one else knows and yet several people - your sister, Bob, maybe others - already have the information that there is doubt about your DD's parentage. It's therefore highly likely that the truth is going to come out at some point.

[anyoldname76]

Why don't you get bob to do a DNA test? No point informing henry until you know for certain bob isn't her biological father.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You can presumably only confirm Henry is the father by asking for DNA material to compare with DD. If you only have Bob's DNA all you can say for sure is that she is or isn't Bob's. So you'd have to involve both men.

[jaynebxl]

I'd forget it and carry on. I can't see any giid would come of discovering and telling people H is her dad. She has a dad who she loves and trusts. Leave it at that.

And what medical drama do people think she will need to know her bio dad for in the future? If she needed a kidney or something H doesn't sound like the kind of guy who woukd want to get involved. Plus he wouldn't necessarily be a match even if he was her bio father.

[BucksKid]

Keep quiet.

Bob knows she may or may not be his. If he was concerned he'd ask for a DNA test.

It's for him to ask. Not you. Because he wants to be her father.

[MrsDiesel]

I agree that Bon is happy as things stand and I don't want to ask him for Dna.

I am being unfair to Henry by not giving him the chance to find out? Although it could potentially ruin his life so not sure he would want yo know?

[MsVenus]

There could be an inherited disease/ medical condition
in the genetic fathers' family that you would only find out through testing. My neighbours son in law is dying from a rare medical condition inherited from his father. It runs in the paternal side of the family and affects random male members and sadly four male cousins have died so far.

[Lettucesnow]

A 'medical drama' could involve a genetic heart condition such as my friend had. She was then informed at 30 years old her genetic father died at 35vwith the same thing. Until then she didn't realise her dad wasn't her real dad...but everyone else seemed to know. Two massive shocks at once.

[anyoldname76]

If bob found out you were asking henry for a DNA test I don't think he'd be happy about it, I know if I was in his shoes I'd feel like you had gone behind my back.

why don't you want to ask bob? You need to find out for certain, for your daughters sake, it sounds as though a few people already know about the 'secret' if your daughter found out when she is older it will turn her world upside down.

[Fideliney]

If you are going to do it, you have to speak to Bob first and be completely upfront with him. He deserves at least that and he IS her Dad regardless of genetics.

[MrsDiesel]

The reason I don't want to speak to Bob or henry is because Bob is happy and my daughter is happy. Bob already knows that he may not be her biological father and has decided that he loves her and is her Dad anyway. I think it would be a slap in the face to say 6 years down the line that I want to know for sure. At the moment he has convinced himself that she is his, if the test came back and she weren't he couldn't deny it anymore and it might change their relationship.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Have you worked out why you need to know this precisely now? Is it curiosity based on physical resemblance to another man? Is it 6 years of not knowing? Unfinished business?

[MrsDiesel]

If I told Henry there is a chance she is his and he didn't want to know then nothing would have to change between bob and my daughter.

Considering if it all came out Henry would have to tell his pregnant wife that he cheated on her, I cant see him being too keen. I don't want to ruin Bobs relationship for nothing iyswim?

If Henry just said he didn't want to know I wouldn't know any more about his medical history anyway and I already know bobs because of our son.

[MrsDiesel]

Cogito I have always wondered and thought I should find out, I just didn't want to upset the apple cart but the resemblance has brought it to the front of my mind.

I would rather not do anything and just forget Henry ever existed but I think I might be being selfish?

[Fideliney]

But if you tell Henry about the possibility and he IS interested and then Bob has to be told that you had these conversations without him, he will feel so betrayed.

What you are essentially saying is that you want to deal with the big secret by creating some new secrets.

[AuntieStella]

"Considering if it all came out Henry would have to tell his pregnant wife that he cheated on her, I cant see him being too keen. I don't want to ruin Bobs relationship for nothing iyswim? "

Your DD's genes aren't "nothing". She deserves to know her medical history.

As you are sure there were three candidate father's, one eliminated already, then you can prove/eliminate a second (B), without mentioning it to H at all at this stage.

[MrsDiesel]

Would it be wrong to deal with the secret by just keeping my mouth shut? That seems to be the easiest path which keeps everyone happy.

Until my daughter grows up and finds out somehow and hates me for lying to her, her whole life?

[Toapointlordcopper]

DNA the children secretly to see if they are full siblings. Then talk to the fathers if they are not. What you do then is not your decision to make solely, it is for the three of you to work out.

[MrsDiesel]

AuntieStella I do agree with dd having the right to know which is why I am even considering it. But H might tell me where to go anyway and she would be non the wiser re medical history etc.

I also agree that only one needs dna testing which is also why I considered the sibling dna test. Finding out the truth with neither man being upset.

I can find out the information without upsetting anyone, its just knowing what to do with it from there.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Bob already knows that there is a chance he is not your DD's biological father. Is he really so insecure in his status or her affections that he thinks finding out that she doesn't share his DNA would change the relationship? If Henry is the father and he does want to play a part in DD's life (and that's a big assumption given than it would be proof of his infidelity if I read it right) then is he realistically ever going to be more than 'Uncle Henry'?

You either kick the can down the road do nothing, say nothing to anyone and stop discussing it with your sister etc. Or you find out the truth and give it sensitively to all parties (barring your DD until she's older I would suggest). It's either full secrecy or full openness. I don't think anything half-way would work.