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My husband raped me

(39 Posts)
MKG Mon 16-Jun-14 22:26:05

I haven't posted here in years, but sometimes you need to get some things out.

My husband and I haven't been doing well for the past year. He's been very emotionally abusive. There is a history of physical abuse, but not for a number of years. Well this past year has been really rough. Needless to say I've been planning on ending it for a few months, I told him that he had to leave this coming week simply because the children won't be here as they are going away to visit my family for the summer. He refuses to go, saying that we're a family and we have to stay together. I told him I don't love him, and I've reached the point where I never will again. I find having sex with him repulsive and I feel disgusting after. But I guess that's how you feel when you know you're done, and there's nothing left.

Two weeks ago I was trying to sleep (I work nights and really long hours). He came into the room and said "let's do something". I told him no, that I didn't want to. but he kept trying. I kept telling him no and tried pushing him away. He just wouldn't stop and the whole time I was asking him to stop and telling him to get off me. Finally I just went numb and zoned out. I feel really stupid and feel like I should have done something else, but I was just so surprised. I talked about it with him a few days later and all he said was he was being selfish. No apologies, no acknowledgement for what he did. He doesn't understand what the problem is. I told him that it was the last time I would ever have sex with him.

Last week I woke up to go to work and my underwear was hanging off one of my legs. I was sore and there was evidence of what he did. I don't remember it at all. I screamed at him and he just said that he didn't know how someone could sleep through it, and he thought I was awake. I explained to him that if he worked 11 hours a day, seven days a week for two months straight, only to come home and take care of three children, eventually you reach a level of exhaustion that you sleep through anything. Not to mention if I said no when I was awake why would I ever say yes in my sleep. I haven't been able to sleep well since, and for little time I do fall asleep I wake up screaming and jumping out of my bed.

I told him that when the kids leave at the end of the week I am too. They're the only thing keeping me in this house now. I don't leave with them now only to save them from getting in the middle of it. He told me we're a family and half to stay together. He refuses to leave, and said he'd never let me divorce him.

I hate this house now. I feel a weight on my chest every time I walk through the door.

He doesn't understand why I'm upset saying that he didn't do anything for me to be upset about. He tells me I'm crazy and that I have a bubble in my head that makes me not see things right.

Maybe I am the crazy one, but I all I know is that I'm doing the best I can to not break inside.

Thanks for letting me share.

magoria Mon 16-Jun-14 22:30:47

What a disgusting excuse for a human.

Would you consider going to the police?

Would you go to your GP? They may be able to give you something to help you short term? If not how about phoning an anonymous rape crisis line and talk it through?

Can you put a lock on the inside of the bedroom door so you can sleep in the knowledge he cannot get near you at your most vulnerable?

He doesn't have a choice. He can make it take as long and be as nasty as possible but in the end you will get a divorce. You have to be strong for yourself.

Good luck. You deserve better than this.

SugarAndSpice126 Mon 16-Jun-14 22:31:38

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Sorry I don't know what else to say, but I'm so glad you'll be rid of him soon. Please make sure you have some counselling/therapy of some kind. But you will be happy again. Do you have family/friends support?

Ehhn Mon 16-Jun-14 22:34:44

Dear me. What a horrific, nasty, disgusting non-human your husband is. He is vile beyond measure. Your post hAs really got to me - you sound so worn out.

You are right, brave and noble. He is none of these things. He can fuck right off to the far side of fuck with this bubble nonsense.

Is there no way you can leave sooner? What do you mean by when the kids leave? As in they are adults leaving home? Or going on a school trip or to college?

Good luck op, stay strong and if you can't go sooner, invest in a lock on your door or move a heavy piece of furniture against the door.

BlackeyedSusan Mon 16-Jun-14 22:35:57

oh love, sorry that you have to go through this. quite a lot of victims freeze. it is a normal response. you did what you needed to do which was say no. that is enough. no-one has the right to carry on after that.

no you are not crazy. he is minimising and trying to get away with it.

this is a good time to contact womens aid. you could also contact the police if you feel strong enough. perhaps seeing your gp is the way to go for you. I think you need to register it with some officila so you can get the help you need legally. (eg legal aid or in relation to mediation)

could you take you and the children to family/refuge. perhaps get time off woork to get sorted?

sorry for offering a load of options.

foadmn Mon 16-Jun-14 22:39:24

I'm sorry. I have experience of meaningless sex at the end of a relationship and of a husband who occasionally would not take no for an answer (but not of the 'in your sleep' thing). It is dehumanising. You need it to stop.

Time to get out or get him out. People here will tell you how.

JessMcL Mon 16-Jun-14 22:43:11

I think you need to report him. If he's willing to do this to his own wife heaven knows who else he is prepared to do it to.

Poussay Mon 16-Jun-14 22:44:38

What a bastard. OP I am sorry you have been through this. Get out as soon as you can thanks

mineofuselessinformation Mon 16-Jun-14 22:45:38

Bloody hell, where to start?
Stop sharing a bed with him i.e. tell him to sleep elsewhere, anywhere. Put a lock or bolt on the inside of the door so you can relax when you sleep - or pay someone to do it if you're not sure how.
Then, tell him to get out. (More about this later.)
Next, confide in a friend. Remember, this is rape, not loving, consensual sex. Ask that friend to help you report it. It doesn't matter that it's not immediately after the event.
Go and see a solicitor and speak to Women's Aid. You need advice, but you need to act quickly for your own sanity and safety. (If you need to go sick to achieve this, do. No doctor will refuse to sign you off if you tell them what happened.)
Once you've reported it, let the police deal with getting him out of the house. Before you have, if he kicks off about you refusing to share a bed, call the police. When they come, tell them then.
You will need to courage to get through this, but you survived so far - and will be able to carry on.
I was the victim of marital rape in similar circumstances. I never did anything or told anyone. I thought I'd buried it all, but this brings it back. Don't be me. (We are divorced now, and as soon as he left, I bought a new bed. I couldn't bear to sleep in the old one.)
Above all else, this is not YOUR shame. It is his. He did something unforgivable to someone he was supposed to love, cherish and support.
Good luck.

mellicauli Mon 16-Jun-14 22:46:36

I am concerned he drugged you. Call police. Explain your history. Change the locks.

ICanHearYou Mon 16-Jun-14 22:48:37

Oh honey how awful sad

He will do it again given half the chance you must get away from him.

DontPutMeDownForCardio Mon 16-Jun-14 22:51:55

You're not crazy. He is solely responsible for this. You're not imagining it. Would you be able to go to the police do you think?

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 16-Jun-14 22:51:56

I am also concerned that there might be some drugging going on. Please consider seeking further advice from a professional about this. What a sad excuse for a man.

BunnyPotter Mon 16-Jun-14 22:55:11

I'm concerned he drugged you too. There's sleeping deeply and then there's not feeling something painful that happens to the most intimate part of your body while you're asleep.

So sorry this has happened to you, however it happened.

JessMcL Mon 16-Jun-14 22:56:46

Is he asleep? Surely if you ring the police they will come around and arrest him? Maybe give you some time to pack a few bags and get away from him/change the locks so he can't access the property.

Just a thought.

Ledkr Mon 16-Jun-14 22:58:59

You don't have to put up with this you really don't.
Approach women's aid for advice and support and the police if you feel you can.he has battered you down so you are just accepting this piss poor situation.
Don't wait, act now.

Beckamaw Mon 16-Jun-14 23:07:41

I should nc for this, but won't.
My ex-H raped me anally when I was asleep. I had always refused that kind of sex.
I woke up pretty quick, and kicked him off, very upset. He laughed and asked whether he should report himself to the police. hmm
I am also worried that you were drugged. I can't see how you would sleep through it normally.
I'm so sorry you have been violated. angrysad

MKG Mon 16-Jun-14 23:07:46

I didn't think anyone would reply. But they have touched me.

My children are all under 9 and my mother takes them to see my sister and her family for a few weeks for the summer. She's been doing it for the past couple of years to give a me a break. This year I was going to use the time to sort through my marriage and try to separate as peacefully as possible. I've been planning this for months, now I don't care how peaceful it is as long as my babies don't have to be here for it.

I called my doctor this morning to make an appointment. I think I need to have some anti-depressants for a while to help me while I sort through my life.
I've told one other person, who's been a really great support and is helping me keep myself together.

I'm having a hard time talking about this because the more I do the more real everything becomes, but thank you for letting me share.

If I don't post for a while don't hold it against me, I don't have as much time as I'd like to spend.

Hissy Mon 16-Jun-14 23:09:06

You need to get people in to help you here, this is serious love.

I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. No-one should have to put up with this.

ParadoxicalUndressing Mon 16-Jun-14 23:22:38

God, so much of this is so familiar to me.

I feel so much for you, OP. You sound strong. What a bastard he is. I'm thinking of you, and wishing you well and safe - away from this sadistic and sorry excuse for a man.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 16-Jun-14 23:34:32

please give Rape Crisis a call - they are fabulous.


i have worked with them - they will help. They really have some top notch people, and they really can help.

and the sooner you take steps to leave the better - sod the house, just go and then see a solicitor. You will be advised of your legal rights, if you jointly own the house when he gets the message he may realise its best to sell up etc.

just one more consideration - but its just a consideration at this could talk to the police, if you feel up to it.
definitely speak to rape crisis in any case.

You have lost a bit of perspective because you have become so used to a very skewed messed up situation - its definitely not you and you are not crazy.

start making plans to get rid/get out.

Lweji Mon 16-Jun-14 23:44:38

Just sending a hug.

Glad you have real life support and are seeing a doctor. You should get legal advice and remove this criminal out of your and your children's lives.

Keep safe.

GoldfishCrackers Tue 17-Jun-14 00:33:50

What a bastard. You poor thing. I am so glad you're getting out. When you see your GP, do you think you could tell her/him what happened? Even print off your OP and hand it over? I'm thinking that it will be useful later to have a log of what he did to you. Women's Aid and Rape Crisis would be good people to talk to.
Can you lock or barricade the bedroom door?

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 17-Jun-14 00:40:02

Your post has touched me MKG - I truly wish for you to be safe and to feel safe. Please take steps and lean on people to help you get there.

I'm so sorry, reality is hard. I'm guessing you have detached yourself to an extent as a coping mechanism but you deserve a happy and safe life away from that monster.

Please stay safe and if you are in the same house then get a lock on the inside of your bedroom door.

Wishing you peace and strength xx

TinklyLittleLaugh Tue 17-Jun-14 00:45:14

Would a door wedge work to keep him out? Sorry OP, what an awful thing to go through. Please be careful about what you eat and drink in case he has tampered with it.

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