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Hubby moved out saying he needs space

(49 Posts)
Grimesey Fri 13-Jun-14 05:45:43

Me n hubby ad a rough couple of mths with silly arguments over house work n stuff, we have a 2 yr old, since having our ds we have drifted and stopped trying I think, he went to benidorm friend to tue on a stag do wen he cum home he wanted go bed and we had a row cos I sed u need spend time with r son u av bin away 4 5 days, the day after we was stil not talking and he txt me saying he was goin to his dads 4 a bit cos he is fed up so long story short he's gone he just says he needs space he's not happy, I av asked him if something happened why he's bin away he says no but I don't no, he says he doesn't want the marriage to end but he needs space. He is a fantastic dad and is taking him nursery and picking him up, I work and we have our own business I no he's stressed at work and stuff but I just don't no wat to do, his sisters say just giv him time but how much time do I giv him. I'm devastated. Xxx

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 13-Jun-14 07:14:08

I'm sorry your husband has bailed out and is acting so selfishly and that you are so upset. Truth is that you have to look after yourself and DS now rather than wondering what's going on with him. Don't 'give him time' if that means sitting waiting, hoping he'll have a change of heart. It's not his place to decide the course of your life. Don't bombard him with phone-calls or texts begging him to come back because it'll put you in a weak position.

Take your time to work out what you want instead. Do you really want a relationship characterised by constant arguments? Do you really think 'stress' is an acceptable excuse for behaving like an arse? Look after yourself, set the bar high, assume the split is permanent and think very, very hard before you let him swan back in at some point.

FolkGirl Fri 13-Jun-14 07:19:35

I agree with Cog.

And I'd also wonder what had happened on the stag do in Benidorm for him to come back and make this decision.

I will admit to being suspicious and cynical, but I would wonder if the arguments before he went justified any behaviour whilst he was away from home over there and now he is home he needs space to process what he's done.

I'm not saying that is what happened, because I wasn't there, but it would be the first thing that came into my mind if I was in your position.

And of course he's going to deny it. He needs time to decide whether admitting it will be in his best interests or not.

Quitelikely Fri 13-Jun-14 10:40:02

He probably thinks the grass is greener. But it is very hard when you have a child and especially hard on your relationship. This is where peeps need to grow a pair and realise its hard but you grow wiser, pull together and get through it.

If he goes make sure that he does actually have your son for a decent amount of time. You need a rest and he needs to k ow that he will still have to be a responsible father and take care of his child.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 13-Jun-14 11:39:57

Can someone in your situation ever know what goes through their partner's mind? I am sorry to warn you but he may never tell adequately explain the change these past months or what has happened.

One day I'll read a thread where the partner who absents himself to enjoy "time" and "space" and who is a fantastic dad takes the DC(s) with him.

I hope you give yourself plenty of thinking time too. Personally I don't think I'd sit home with DS all weekend shouldering the childcare while he awards himself an extra little holiday. Don't ask "What can I do to make things right?" Look back over the past 18 months, how often has he presented you with a problem and expected you to fix it?

Do you think something happened while he was away on the stag trip? Is he normally on FB has he suddenly gone quiet? If he next tells you sorrowfully he loves you... but isn't in love with you, that is a whole new level and take that very seriously.

His sisters say give him space, er how much would that be then exactly? Until he runs out of clean clothes maybe? Or until he realises the grass isn't greener.

Don't chase him. Resist asking the in-laws where and how he is.

PetyrBaelishsConscience Fri 13-Jun-14 11:42:57

Why don't you decide what you want and then tell him. Don't wait around for him to make all the decisions. If you want him to fight for your marriage, attend counselling and move back in while you repair your relationship, tell him. If he says no, I think that would be quite telling about his real feelings.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 13-Jun-14 13:21:29

Good point Donkeys about the in-laws. Missed the part that it's 'his' sisters giving the OP marital advice. hmm Has nothing to do with them and the chances are he's a spoiled brat precisely because his family & others routinely back off and give him his beloved space rather than making him take responsibility.

Grimesey Fri 13-Jun-14 15:00:56

Aww Thankyou all so much 4 taking time to reply, iv just got back 4m work and I'm just lost ds is at nursery I'm gona pick him up, hubby normally does and iv let him do it this wk but my friends at work have sed to tell him if he wants space then av it 4m us both, giv a taste ov wat it will b like shud we split, I do no he is bogged down at work and was low a cpl ov wks ago, then he's partied for 5 days n is ruf n tired n then we ad words I think he's thinking I can't b arsed I want out, I do agree that sum think the grass is greener but he wil soon get bored of partying I'm sure. His mum as made appt at docs 4 him and she's gona speak with him he does listen to her, he's (29). Should I have no contact with him all wkend then tell him that tue I want a meet and I want an answer, I'm really scared, I thort wait till he's bin docs r do it mon, I'm not ment no bowt docs. Xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 13-Jun-14 15:12:05

Sorry, I'm finding all the text speak rather hard going. Just do your own thing with your DS, make plans that don't involve your husband, get on with life without him and stay out of touch. No idea why the doctor is involved. Is there some suggestion he's ill because he just sounds like an arse to me? hmm

He's in the wrong and if he wants to apologise he knows where you are. So be strong, decide what kind of a life you want, set your own standards for the kind of behaviour you want in a husband, and shoot for that.... don't be waiting for some irresponsible idiot to determine your future with a thumbs up or down. You get to decide.

Grimesey Fri 13-Jun-14 15:27:23

Thanks, I have made plans my friends r cumin tonite and I'm going out with my niece tomorrow with kids, and I may go out tomorrow nite, and sun I'm at a christening, iv not contacted him, I am going to go on as if he's not coming back, I'm scared shitless but I wil av to do it for ds. I want to know either way, he just keeps saying I need space sort my head out, iv asked him be honest with me, I want punch him in the face ha. Xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 13-Jun-14 15:30:14

Again.... by 'wanting to know either way' you're putting your fate in his hands and that's a weak position. He's already assumed control by leaving the house, putting you under stress and making you wait. Take back control... Either tell him to take a running jump and stay right where he is, or tell him that there's only a future for the marriage if he meets conditions X, Y and Z.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 13-Jun-14 15:37:26

Your MIL (mother-in-law) means well but although you say you're not meant to know, isn't it possible he knows she'll keep you up to date? don't let him talk via his family members or get them involved he can be a man and contact you himself.

Glad you are off out over the weekend but see what he's left behind then if he pops in while you + DS are out to fetch stuff you'll spot what's missing. There is no forcing someone to stay if they are trying to put distance between you but it's unfair to keep you in the dark.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy Fri 13-Jun-14 16:17:41

I think if his family are telling you to back off, have arranged 'secret' appointments to the doctor, and reporting back to you when it suits them, he has already walked out of the marriage.

Best to think ahead and look after yourself and ds.

If he wants to come back, and you want him to come back, he needs to do some changing and not make you change to suit him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 13-Jun-14 16:29:42

I still don't get where the doctor comes into this? Has he picked up some nasty disease on his stag trip? hmm

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 13-Jun-14 21:03:41

GP for a tummy bug? Or an attempt to keep OP at bay, "I'm not myself, don't shout at me, I wouldn't want DS to catch anything, I need a break, don't pressure me..."

You know don't you, even if he hasn't been happy and he felt as though you weren't noticing, he could have spelled it out. Instead he toddled off to his dad's and you are none the wiser.

As his pal is getting married maybe he is brooding over how to get your attention, maybe he is thinking he is fed up and wants out. If his parents and sisters are so involved try asking them for a spot of babysitting so you and he can talk without DS around.

Carry on as normally as you can manage. If you have a joint account check and see everything's as it should be. You've talked about his side of the family, do you have close support locally? What's the betting one of his family will have updated you on how his appointment went?

Grimesey Sat 14-Jun-14 07:31:30

Hi thnx again, he won't go docs his mum thought he was depressed, I think he is really low but that's 4 him 2 deal with, his mum n sisters r devastated they and no one ekes can believe it. I had a drink n chat with my friend n family last night and I now ain't gona have any contact I am just carrying on as if he is not coming back I was going to meet with him nxt week but I'm not because I think he is going to say he needs be on his own and I just don't want let him see me cry again, his mum sed he just keeps saying he needs be on his own so that ain't gona change over wkend. He is renting his mates flat up the road temp to be on his own, he's got a tv yesterday n basics so that tells me he's not wanting cum home, i saw him yesterday cuming back 4m tesco with TV me and my mate was on route to tesco he was with his mate we just sed hello it was awkward, then I got a txt later saying sorry u saw that, his mum says leave him to it he thinks wat he is doin is right and he thinks getting this flat is right it's out my hands. So my plan is to let him do wat he wants I'm gona carry on as I'm on my own, I'm not going to contact him at all, he wil be expecting me to be on at him to meet, wat do u think?, his sis as sed to not let him av a break 4m bobby (ds) cos then he's got best of both worlds he needs to understand he has responsibilities let him have a break from me but I don't know wat to do, I have sed he can have bobby tomorrow why I go to a friends christening and he can stay here and I will stay at my friend r my sisters and he can get up with ds and take him nursery, please I'm struggling what to do let him c ds and not me r not, sorry it's long post. Xxxx

KatieKaye Sat 14-Jun-14 07:40:57

OP - it sounds like he has moved on, mentally and physically.
You can do the same. You can build a new life for yourself and the DC and it will be a better life because you won't have to deal with him all the time.
As others here have said, do not contact him. But do go to a solicitor and get legal advice (often you get a free 30 min consultation).
From personal experience I would be wary of telling his family too much because in the end they will be on his side and you will be painted as the unreasonable one. Let him contact you about the DC.
Be strong. I know it is easy to say, but you can get through this. It is still early days and you are reeling from the shock, so be gentle with yourself too.
best of luck.

Grimesey Sat 14-Jun-14 07:58:29

Thanks katiekaye I just can't believe it, thers loads more but it's hard to put in to words, I think he had thought he is missing out when he's been in benidorm and thinks he wants be on his own and party, but that won't last I no I am 40 bin ther dun that ha, I want him to realise what he has lost so I think I just have to leave him don't i? My friends think he wil b back with his tail between his legs when he realises, should I meet him or just ignore him. Xx

ohldoneedtogetagrip Sat 14-Jun-14 08:11:45

As it stands this relationship is over-he has moved on and is sorting himself out a new place to stay and a new life. He doesn't see this as temporary at all.
what is there to gain from you meeting with him just now?? I would think you need time and space to process what has happened and time to get the relevant advice. He needs to pay money for DC--remember he is not a pay to view and if he wants to see Bobby l would facilitate that perhaps with a friend or family doing the handover/supervision. Try to get into a pattern of regular access so that you end up with some free time too.
Who pays the rent/mortgage -if it is in joing names he will still be liable to pay--he may find he has not so much money/free time as he had hoped.
Finally blood is thicker than water. Beware of what his family are saying take it all with a pinch of salt. Ultimately they will support him.

TheHouseatWhoCorner Sat 14-Jun-14 08:19:22

I agree with Katie about being wary of sharing too much with his family. Remember that they are probably sharing everything you confide in them to him.

It sounds as though he has moved on. Start to protect your own situation and get formal agreement in place regarding money and access.

Grimesey Sat 14-Jun-14 08:27:19

Thanks I know in my heart of hearts it's over that's why I said as from now I'm on my own, it's my house I bought it on my own I pay all bills and we lived of he's wage, he will give me money I should be ok, i am going to have to meet up so we can discuss money and bobby, I am gona make sure I get some time out defo, I'm just really scared of what the future holds for me and bobby, he is a good dad so he will do right by bobby and he's only 26mth so hopefully he will adapt. Never thought this would happen. Xx

ThePinkOcelot Sun 15-Jun-14 11:43:30

Hi Grimesy, this sounds very familiar. 3 yrs ago my DH went on a lads holiday and when he came bk, decided he hadn't been happy 4 yrs and didn't want to be married anymore. He moved out and stayed in his friends spare room. It was a horrible time. There wasn't an OW, he just wanted to be out on the drink like a single bloke. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we did end up getting bk together eventually but he certainly had some crawling to do.

Grimesey Mon 16-Jun-14 20:29:11

Hi thanks, he says he loves me he as been today and said he feels awful 4 leaving me hanging so I shud move on and c wat happens he sed once he needs get in a routine ov going work seeing r son, and hopefully he wil realise but then he sed I may av moved on and I don't want him but that's a risk he is still willing to take, wtf am I spouse do. I'm just dreading it. I hope he realises wat he's dun and want cum home. Thankyou for replying. Xxx

SolidGoldBrass Mon 16-Jun-14 20:52:19

Never mind what he wants. He's doing the 'but I love yu really' thing now to make sure he has a comfy home to come back to whenever he wants and that you will be more prepared to put up with him going out most nights and/or having sex with other women while you wash his socks and cook his meals.
You don't want him back. He's a selfish knob you are better off without, so get together all the relevant info about finance and maintenance and contact, and move happily forward into a new life. Best of luck.

ohldoneedtogetagrip Mon 16-Jun-14 21:21:26

oh yes he is keeping his options open. keeping you sweet and hanging on till he decides to return (ie OW doesn't work out)
You need to take the option away from him. Show him you are sitting about waiting for noone because you deserve so much better.
Get legal advice, get a set pattern of when he sees DC and get finances sorted from him. He can't just expect to turn up as he sees fit, your house is no longer his home and he cannot treat it as such.
He is playing you just now-please do not fall for it.

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