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There really is no going back from this is there?

(50 Posts)
scaredandangry Fri 28-Mar-14 20:54:06

"DP" and I had a big argument Saturday night. He was out doing something that ran over and we were supposed to be going out after for a night out as we haven't been out together in ages but as time went on it became apparent that he wasn't going to be back in time and I was dressed up with nowhere to go. It wasn't his fault as it was beyond his control and he did try to keep me posted on what was going on where he was as much as possible, but was another example of why I feel I come last in his life. I have had an awful time due to various health things over recent months and needed this night out as a way of feeling normal again I guess. I was out of order, told him I was fed up with being put last most of the time and made him feel bad when the thing he was doing was scheduled before we planned our night out anyway. I guess neither of us realised it would go on for so long.

We went to bed and I had been crying and upset which I seem to be a lot lately. He woke me up at about 4am taking my knickers off which he sometimes does and which normally I enjoy. But this time was different. He was so angry with me and kept saying he was going to shut me up for having a go at him earlier. He put my legs up which really hurt and I told him it was hurting me but he said he didn't care and carried on. I didn't tell him to stop, just to let me put my legs down but he didn't care that he hurt me.

The next day I was so upset and told him I felt he should never bring an argument into the bedroom. His response was that I sometimes like it rough, which is true, but this time felt different because he was so angry at me and it wasn't enjoyable. He never said sorry. I asked him how he would feel if one of his daughters had this done to her by a boyfriend but apparently this is irrelevant and I am being ridiculous to say that.

So there is no way back now. He has crossed the line and I feel empty and sad that he could do this with no sorrow or regret whatsoever. And I am going to have to end it otherwise I am giving him permission to treat me like this again. But I am going to be so lonely as I have based my life over the past 2 years around him and his children whom I love as much as I do my own.

Not told anyone in RL but it feels cathartic to get it out on here

Caramelle Fri 28-Mar-14 20:57:19

Oh wow, no wonder you're scared and angry. That is a horrible thing he did to you.

pictish Fri 28-Mar-14 20:59:45

What a terrible thing for him to do.

Cotherstone Fri 28-Mar-14 21:00:09

I'm sorry this happened to you sad But no, I'd say there is no going back from that.

BiscuitMillionaire Fri 28-Mar-14 21:00:33

Oh OP that is shocking, he was going to 'shut you up' - by raping you? He didn't care that he hurt you?

Yes it's finished, you're right. No woman should ever be treated like that, by someone who supposedly loves her.

I'm sorry. It must be a huge shock.

handfulofcottonbuds Fri 28-Mar-14 21:01:13

He should have known what he did was wrong by your reaction, let alone you telling him the next day. I'd be worried that he's shown no remorse.

Handywoman Fri 28-Mar-14 21:01:56

I am sorry this has happened, OP. Are you going to spell it out how it made you feel? How do you think he will respond?

ListenToTheLady Fri 28-Mar-14 21:03:59

Oh op how awful, this is NOT ok and I'm glad you are taking it so seriously. Yes, I would say he has to go for the exact reasons you describe. I take it you don't have dc with him, good if so.

Staying with this man would not be better than being single, knowing how he is capable of treating you - hurting you and using sex to punish you ffs. I'm so angry on your behalf.

Take care of yourself and do talk to someone in RL if there's someone you can trust.

brew

FabBakerGirl Fri 28-Mar-14 21:05:15

This is scarily familiar, I have read a post almost exactly the same.

You can't really complain he was late back as it wasn't his doing or his fault.

The rest is rape is it not and I would be packing his bags.

eddielizzard Fri 28-Mar-14 21:06:30

how awful. take care of yourself.

all i can think is if you let this go he will take it as a green light. doesn't seem like he is contrite or even that he's in the wrong.

i hope you have rl support. you do need to put yourself first, as hard as it is.

Lweji Fri 28-Mar-14 21:09:53

Sorry, scared, but you were raped. In the very sense that sex was used for power and not for sex itself. He didn't want to pleasure you, but put you in your place. He probably didn't even want a sexual release, just show you who's in charge.

Please leave him.

And, in fact you should report him for abuse. Rape, in fact.

Perhaps you should call Rape Crisis for more specialist support.

So sorry that you have had such a horrible experience. You're right, there is no going back from this. Stay strong x

HollyBrrr Fri 28-Mar-14 21:18:30

Oh god scaredandangry, that's awful. Yes it's rape, and no, I don't think there's any going back from it - especially as he isn't showing any remorse. I'm so sorry.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Fri 28-Mar-14 21:19:25

Bloody hell. You poor woman. thanks

I agree with PP who have said get rid and report him. Definitely get some support for this as you will need to process what's happened properly.

scaredandangry Fri 28-Mar-14 21:19:35

I just feel so sad now. I was sexually abused as a child and he knows this. Actually I have been really struggling with this right now which he knows as I have always felt so alone with no family and I seem to be able to cope less and less with this the older I get. I convinced myself it wasn't rape. I never said no. I even had my hands around his back up until a certain point because I just didn't know what else to do. But he knew that it had been different because straight after he kept saying that I didn't really like it rough after all and today proved that.

When I brought it up the next day he said he was half asleep and didn't know what he was saying. But I think he did. And he never said sorry. Not once. The poster who said it was all about him asserting his power was right. And the worse thing is that I have had sex with him since to wipe out the horrible sex of Saturday night. The last time was yesterday and he actually said "You do know I am never going to make love to you don't you?" And now I am crying because it reads bad enough in black and white and I can't believe this is happening to me.

WitchWay Fri 28-Mar-14 21:20:19

sad

WitchWay Fri 28-Mar-14 21:20:52

You didn't say No, but you may well have been thinking NO

comicsansisevil Fri 28-Mar-14 21:23:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish Fri 28-Mar-14 21:25:22

Oh dear. He isn't nice at all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 28-Mar-14 21:25:37

What did he mean by saying "You do know I am never going to make love to you don't you?", scaredandangry?

I can fully understand why you want to blot out the memory of what happened the other night and I'm so sorry for your pain.

Do YOU think there's any way back from this? Do you want there to be? It doesn't matter what other people think or what other people label your husband as. How do YOU feel about him and do you think there's anything left of your relationship that makes you want to stay in it?

Getting some RL support would be a good idea, you need somebody to talk to who will not judge you nor push you anywhere you don't want to go. Best wishes.

ListenToTheLady Fri 28-Mar-14 21:31:00

Sadly it doesn't surprise me that for his effort to show you who's boss he has homed in on the thing you are really vulnerable about. sad

Please don't blame yourself for anything unwise-seeming you may have done since - you are trying to cope in whatever way you can.

I think you should really talk to your GP and/or look into some counselling of some kind, as what has happened may stir up some bad feelings for you. I say that as a fellow survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

He is NOT the boss however, he has no right to "shut you up" angry. I do not bandy LTB around but you are so right to get rid.

BlueFrenchHorn Fri 28-Mar-14 21:31:34

scared I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. We're all here for you, please tell someone in RL as well. Worried for your safety.

scaredandangry Fri 28-Mar-14 21:34:54

Lying - I don't think so. He has done lots of things that can be written off as thoughtless and he has been unsupportive of me when I have been through hard times (though he would say he was supportive). He never compliments me and rarely says he loves me. But he has made a huge effort to incorporate me into his life - for the first time ever I feel part of a family - and he is very tactile / affectionate. I thought we were trying to build a life together. But he doesn't love me. How can he if he hurts me and doesn't seem to care. Actually he was crying when I woke up and said it was because he felt I was unsupportive of him which is why he was upset. But analysing it now I wonder if he was crying because he knew what he had done. But sadly, equally it could be what he said too as he is so oblivious sometimes he may actually have been feeling sorry for himself even after what he had done.

I have a good friend who does not live near me I could tell. But talking about it in RL makes it more real and that frightens me. Is that weird?

justwantitmadeforme Fri 28-Mar-14 21:35:58

what an utter arsehole. shock angry

I'm so sorry he put you through that OP.

Is there anyone in rl you can speak with? thanks

justwantitmadeforme Fri 28-Mar-14 21:36:55

not weird OP, completely understandable.

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