Fed up and lonely. Overweight husband woes.

[Emotionallytired]

I've been married for over ten years and we have two lovely children together, one more on the way. My DH is overweight. He is an attractive man but I just can't find him attractive with all the extra weight. He was overweight when we first got together and I looked past it because we got on well and he seemed keen on letting me know he was eating healthily and riding his bike to lose the extra weight.
The thing is and the tears start rolling we got together when I was really young and now I'm older and want to explore my sexuality. I want to be able to do this with my husband but I just don't want to have sex with him and find myself avoiding him. We barely have sex once a month. I'm so frustrated sexually, he does nothing for me. It's even harder because he doesn't touch or caress me at all but will just shove up against me and try to engage me in sex when he wants it.
I have told him his weight concerns me several times over the years that we've been together, for health reasons at first, and even lastly because I needed him to lose it for my own selfish reasons. He did lose a lot once a few years ago but put a lot back on again.
I feel upset that he doesn't care enough about me to want to look good for me. I can't tell him I don't find him attractive because that's just horrible. I've given up looking any kind of attractive myself either. I'm in a slump and feel so alone. Through our marriage I've given up all my friends and hav no one to talk to, I had to put this out there.

[NurseyWursey]

I had sympathy until I read this

I feel upset that he doesn't care enough about me to want to look good for me

Do you still love him? I think that's important here, because if you do you can work on it.

[DumbleDee]

He just shoves up against you?

Do you ever initiate or caress him? He's more likely to get to a healthy weight if he feels loved cared for and invested in. If he's sensing your disgust at him he's probably insecure with low low self esteem.

If he lost weight would you fancy him and want to explore your sexuality with him? Or is the weight thing a handy red herring?

[cerealqueen]

You say he doesn't make the effort to look good and you don't now either?!

Do you go out at all? Could you find an activity you can both do? Could you say you'd like to do WW and lose a bit of weight and then he may too by default?
Look at old photos and say how good he looked.
Be supportive, if he has any idea how you feel then its an uphill battle.

[Stropzilla]

I'm sort of where you are. For the past year my dh has slept on the sofa because he snores so much he keeps me awake. Even then we can hear him down stairs! He won't eat right and it does hurt that he'd rather eat and eat than put a little effort in and have a proper relationship. I love him to bits but it's been months since we've even hugged on the sofa and the intimacy is leaving our marriage :( . He doesn't care. He says he does but he won't do anything to help me bring it back.

[SoleSource]

You just do not fancy him anymore.
When did you start to feel this ay about him? Was it because of a build up of resentment towards him because of his gradual bad behaviour towards you, or some other reasons that you stopped looking past his weight and saw him for what he really is? A man you no longer can tolerate?

[Stropzilla]

And yes I try to initiate but he's either self conscious which I try to reassure him that I love him or he would just prefer I go down on him.

[LEMmingaround]

blimey :( poor guy. Nothing like a boost for the self-esteem is there! And yes, you can't tell him you don't find him attractive, that would be vile. You know, its not all phwooaaar and hormones when you settle into a relationship, exploring your sexuality has to go a bit deeper than wanting to sleep with a george cloony lookalike, its about you, not him.

Both my DP and myself are overweight, have been for a while but both got much more recently for various reasons - so we have BOTH gone on a diet, we support each other and it works because we are both doing it, together - saying that, we have been together 20 years but we still fuck like rabbits and are in it for the long haul.

[NurseyWursey]

I'm trying to imagine if this was a man talking about a woman.

[EastMids2]

Have I missed something here? You don't fancy him for a number of reasons and yet there's another one on the way - well there's obviously been a level of intimacy not THAT long ago ...

If you have no real sexual attraction, why on earth would you want to make another child with this person?

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

That's exactly how I read it. I'm in the husbands shoes. And this is exactly what I imagine my dh thinks about me.

Nice to have it clarified. Sorry op, I do sort of sympathise, but I would say that perhaps if your dh has lost interest in you he doesn't fancy you either. Perhaps you've lost a bit of respect and appreciation for each other. Perhaps he doesn't want to look good for you. Perhaps he knows more about how you feel than you realise.

[Emotionallytired]

I think the weight has always bothered me but I just thought "oh well" and tried to ignore it. I do my best to hug him and just snuggle on sofa etc but I just don't find him attractive. I can't pretend I do anymore either. I can't go to weight watchers, I'm a healthy 65kg and 16 weeks pregnant.
i do love him and there are other issues in our life ( the usual, busy working parents, raising kids, finances etc ) we r busy and tired folk in general, but to me our intimacy should be benefitting us and helping us get through it all. We don't go out anywhere together, the only time we spend is in front of tv a at night every now n then.

Nursey - I know full well how horrible it sounded but it's how I feel. That I'm not worthy for my man to want to look good for me. Emotions r a b*tch

Dumble- I just need to find him attractive again. It's probably not all weight related, but I know it would definitely help with my pent up ..um..tension.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Why do people do this ? Why do people think once they're married they can become grossly overweight and their spouse will still find them attractive ? For the record there are plenty of men's forums where they say this is an issue in their marriage also.

It's not about being a George Clooney lookalike no , but there has to be some sort of physical attraction. I think you should explain gently that the weight is a problem , along with his approach to initiating sex.

I feel for you Op , because I ended up in a similar position . My ex h was in reasonable shape when we married , then became seriously obese. That , along with other health problems such as snoring , bad back , lack of energy caused serious attraction problems. While it's all very well and good suggesting you support him losing weight ect , I think your comment about being upset that he doesn't want to look good for you is valid. If he were single , would be expect to be able to date in his current state of health ?

It's not fun monitoring what someone's eating , or cajoling them into a activity they don't want to do. Your not his mum.

[DumbleDee]

But if he lost 3 stone overnight would you find him attractive tomorrow?

Or is the weight thing masking deeper stuff?

As an overweight person if I felt slightly that my oh was repulsed by me it would make me behave distantly impact my self esteem it's a viscous circle. You are probably making things worse (and yes I'm putting myself in his shoes).

What 3 things would he have to do for you to feel more positive about things AND what 3 things could you do?

[JaceyBee]

Your sex life sounds miserable and I'm not surprised you're sad and frustrated. Have you asked him to work with you on improving things? If the sex was better would you overlook the weight issue more? Or are you so turned off by the weight you just don't want to have sex with him at all?

I don't think you're shallow btw, I wouldn't want to have sex with a very overweight person either. I wonder if also, you're having that common issue when people meet very young and are curious about sex with other people? It would be understandable if you did feel like this. Is there someone in particular who's caught your eye or anything?

[Emotionallytired]

Strop - I really know how u feel. It's hard to be honest without ppl judging. I'm in this for the long haul, it's been over ten years and we love each other but we're in a rut and for me the weight is a big issue.
I wud never be this blunt with my DH but I needed to say it somewhere, it's something I've just carried for so long.

Ilovemydog - I think you are prob right, he used to try and jump on me every night and now he's given up mostly. It's just so sad I don't see how to get the "spark" back.

EastMids - I still love my husband. I don't want to leave him. We r still having sex very rarely but I just feel obliged. I'm just fed up. I'm hormonal. I'm lonely. I hav no one to talk to as obviously I can't tell my husband "look love I'm horny as hell but just don't fancy you at the moment" I want to find him sexy and attractive. Trust me, I do. It's like there too much baggage in the way, don't know how else to explain it

[Emotionallytired]

Thanks badbalding, I seriously feel shitty enough for feeling this way and putting it out there, glad to know I'm not alone.

[DumbleDee]

Then it sounds like you want to make things better - he needs to meet you half way. Don't think you can avoid being honest with him, perhaps approach it from a health concern pov?

[NurseyWursey]

Why do people do this ? Why do people think once they're married they can become grossly overweight and their spouse will still find them attractive ? For the record there are plenty of men's forums where they say this is an issue in their marriage also.

Yeah but if a man came on here and said what the OP has he'd get bollocked.

I do have sympathy for the OP. I just don't like the double standards.

I can't even see a way out of it to even be able to say anything helpful, if he doesn't want to change himself then there's nothing the OP can do.

[Emotionallytired]

Jacey - I am attracted to other ppl, although very ashamed to admit it. I would never act on this though. My family mean far too much to me.

Dumble - this is the battle I go through in my head, that i should overlook the weight because actually I have a good husband who I trust and works hard for our family. I try not to bring it up often but it does upset me. I like the suggestion of three things we cud both do. I wonder if he wud be open to doing this.

taking my frustrated self to bed. Thanks all for comments, please don't judge, my shoes are there for you to walk a mile in. It's hard to put ur life story and ins and outs of relationships in a few thread posts.

[badbaldingballerina123]

I don't think you need to feel shitty about it. It's an issue . Why shouldn't you have a spouse you can enjoy sex with ? More fool him for not realising that your marriage could be so much better if he made the effort. Would he approach a woman he was dating for sex by shoving up against her ? Of course he wouldn't.

My advice is this. Tell him point blank the weight is a problem , along with the approach. Personally I would not have sex with him when he approaches you like this because it reinforces the idea it's ok and you don't really mind. Don't reward bad behaviour.

Get in shape yourself. Start exercising , but new clothes , start making an effort. If he doesn't want to go out , that's fine , go out yourself. Get in contact with old friends and get yourself a social life. He will either join you , or he won't. Once you tell him it's a problem he really should take your feelings seriously.

There's some good books that will help you with this.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Nursery there's no double standards. I think a man would get exactly the same response on here . Surely a man's feelings about it would be just as valid as the ops?

Op, nearly everyone says that they wouldn't act on a attraction to someone else. All it takes is the right , or wrong circumstances and before you know it a line has been crossed. These things start in your head way before they become a reality.

This is a recipe for disaster unless something changes. Your husband is failing to meet your basic needs , your need for sex , affection and recreational fun. There's a good book called his needs her needs that may help you explain this to him.

[aw11]

badbalding - "Your husband is failing to meet your basic needs , your need for sex , affection and recreational fun." This is the double standard. If it was a woman on here saying her husband wants too much sex and he was pissed of because he wasn't getting enough for any reason then most people on here would say he didn't have the right to ask for changes etc.

OP, the only way you're going to fix this is to tell him honestly how you feel. You then need to help him as much as possible lose the weight as it'll be a big blow to his self esteem/ego and it's really bloody hard work getting fit! However, when he does start losing the weight and you get interested again (assuming this really is all your problem is) then his self esteem will go up again, he'll get more confident, you'll get even more interested...kind of a opposite to a vicious circle. Of course if you tell him how you feel and he ignores it, doesn't want to change for himse;
lf and you then you two really do have issues!

[LEMmingaround]

Take on a lover if thats what you want. Men do it all the time.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Aw , no they wouldn't say he didn't have the right to ask for changes at all . They'd ask the usual questions about housework , childcare , they'd probably advise counselling or getting a sitter and spending time . I've never seen anyone on here say that people don't have the right to ask for changes , regardless of the gender of the Op.

[normalishdude]

'men do it all the time'...... oh yes, that's right. 'Men' is one great big homogeneous group that all do exactly the same thing.