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He's leaving, it's what I wanted but I am weighed down with sad.

(47 Posts)
goneanonymous Fri 14-Mar-14 13:05:48

What it says really. It's been a hard and horrible year and some things bring you together and others show you the cracks in a bright bright light. He is going this weekend and even though we cannot have him here, I cannot have him here, the fact that it has come to this is awful. I have tried, I have tried so SO hard but in the end someone has to change because they want to, you can't make them be a different person. Who knows, maybe this last final push will stop the drinking and falling down drunk and make him a thoughtful less selfish person but I can't see it happening. I have loved him so much and for so long. He has been loved so completely and he never realised or understood that it had to work both ways. What a fucking waste of 20 years that could have been awesome.

Just needed to put that all down, can't tell anyone in RL properly yet, it's just too much. People think we are an amazing couple. And we are not. were not.

bella1968 Fri 14-Mar-14 13:18:14

I was just going to write a message like that, my husband doesn't drink etc but has been verbally abusing me and the kids for a little while now. He says he's going Monday afternoon although I don't know whether it's true or not. He's also said he won't come back if he goes. I guess he's just not willing to apologise or try to accept we both need to work at it.

I hope you get to feel better but I'm thinking not to look at the past but look at the future of the life you have left and how great you can make it.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 14-Mar-14 13:25:42

You have history together and regardless of how its ended it is sad when it ends.

You cannot try to mend things on your own; the other person has to want to make changes and show commitment to making changes also. Your message reads like your man loved and continues to love alcohol more than yourself and everyone else. Alcohol is truly a cruel mistress and women in such situations end up either enabling, provoking or being codependent (which is not a healthy emotional state to be in either).

I would suggest you read Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie.

He can only stop drinking and has to want to do so; no-one else can do that for him. You can only help your own self ultimately.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Fri 14-Mar-14 13:27:05

So sorry thanks

I too know how it feels to be trying so so hard to make it work.

Are you sure there's absolutely no one you can talk to in RL? Not even a close friend/relative?

Hugs.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 14-Mar-14 13:27:43

bella

Verbal abuse of yourself and the children should in no way be tolerated; he should be gone as of now rather than on Monday. It sounds like he enjoys the power and control he has over you.

I would also consider speaking to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 in your circumstances as you cannot reason with what are unreasonable people.

goneanonymous Fri 14-Mar-14 13:28:12

Hi bella, sorry you have an arse for an H too. Mine is quite unpleasant to the children but if I pull him up on it I get a real look, as if I am an idiot making a fuss and wrong to boot. He was walking upstairs behind our youngest (7 year old) when she swung her arm backwards it bumped his wine glass (stay classy eh?) which broke when his arm moved and hit the bannister. He shouted at her and told her it was her fault and she was crying her eyes out. God that looks hideous typed out. How did I not notice how bad it had got?

Anyway <links arms> you are right, look to the future, we can make it awesome just how WE want it.

goneanonymous Fri 14-Mar-14 13:32:53

Thank you Attila, that is what I need to hear, exactly what I need. He is so passive in everything other than his need for a large drink, and another and another. I feel like it is my fault, I am making a fuss and spoiling it for everyone but he had chance after chance to change and has never bothered.

I have told one person in RL who is here but she isn't really the swoop down and sort you out sort of friend so she said she would pop in but hasn't. I quite like independent people, nice to have friends and we mean a lot to each other but then get on with stuff, which is kind of biting me on the arse right now. As for family, they are part of the problem not the solution, NO! grin

vxm123 Fri 14-Mar-14 13:53:15

Well done gone. I admire your courage. I know it's sad but you're doing the right thing and you know you are. Alcoholic's destroy everything.

I know all about the 'Making a fuss and spoiling it for everyone'. You all deserve better than this. Someone (on another thread) said 'alcohol fosters inertia' and it's true.

You cannot help an alcoholic by living with them. Unfortunately it 'enables' them. Living with them fosters hatred, you stop respecting them and you feel the life being sucked out of you. And they keep drinking regardless.

You are so doing the right thing.

goneanonymous Fri 14-Mar-14 14:16:04

It could have been amazing you know, we could have had, be having, the best life together. Honestly our children are astonishing as well, if not for me why not for them? I just thank god they have never seen him on the floor in a state because at least this way the only one who has lost all respect for him is me. It's going to be so hard round here, I can't say to people why we are apart he would lose everything if he went from 'likes a drink' to 'a drunk'. I imagine people will blame me, I want to know how long before someone starts a rumour I've had an affair. Anyway, I know so that is what counts. Weirdly never seen him as an alcoholic, just a selfish stubborn lazy man.

You are so doing the right thing Thank you so much for that, I might write it on the back of my hand for wobbly moments smile.

CurtWild Fri 14-Mar-14 14:26:12

Hi gone, I'm a month to the day since my separation from my stbxh, no drinking involved but awful emotional and verbal abuse. I was so, so sad to walk away but it was the only road left for me and 3 very small DC. Like you, I think we could have had it all, we started off so well, he just didn't have the character to maintain it and turned into a stranger. I loved this man more than I ever thought possible, gave him every inch of who I was, and he chose to destroy me.
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through a sad time, you sound strong though, and I love the idea of writing 'you are so doing the right thing' on your hand for wobbly moments (smile).

Sk002 Fri 14-Mar-14 14:29:33

You are doing the right thing. I am in a similar position. I too think of what might have been. The problem is that he didn't have a similar picture in his head. He wants a family and home without putting any effort in. Your home life will be so much more peaceful very soon. Be kind to yourself. X

lbab1702 Fri 14-Mar-14 14:45:44

Hi, really feel for you. I'm going through the same except his addiction is gambling. Our relationship has been awful for years because of it, but he won't get help. So I finally have had to be firm and say enough is enough. I'm at work at the moment and he's been moving his stuff out yesterday and today. He's just text to say he's taking the TV, and a list of other stuff that he thinks I'll miss. But I'm not going to rise to the bait. I don't care what he takes, just as long as he goes. Luckily I've been saving hard over the last year, as I knew he'd do something like this. hopefully I'll have enough money to replace some of what he takes, so my DD doesn't get affected. We too were seen as the perfect couple and I'm angry about the years i have wasted with him. On the positive, once he's out things can only get better. I'm feeling sick to the stomach at the moment, worried about what will still be in the house when I get home, but at the end of the day they're just material things, and I'll have my nice stress free and peaceful life back without his stupid gambling and debts pulling me down. You are seriously doing the right thing, and I hope you get through the sadness quickly and can build on the positives of getting this man out of your life. Hugs to you.

PeppermintPasty Fri 14-Mar-14 14:53:29

Another supportive shoulder here. I am five months post separation from my now ex, after 13 years of being together. Like you, I gave it my all, and if I'm honest, I still fail to understand why/how he could not or would not fix things. In our case the solution, IMO, was easy. But of course, I know really that I could not have forced another person to change, and so I had to ask him to leave.

Sometimes it occupies my thoughts, but mostly, I feel real peace for the first time in years. I realise that a long relationship, a family (two gorgeous young children), just didn't matter enough to him.

When I recall that, I am quickly brought back to reality, and find myself thanking god that we're not together any more.

You will come out the other end, don't be afraid xx

thesecowsaresmallthosearefaraw Fri 14-Mar-14 15:14:29

flowers well done, gone. You say you are sad to have wasted 20 years. You could have gone on to waste 20 more.

bella1968 Fri 14-Mar-14 15:14:52

gone, what ages are your children, mine are 10 year old twins. I hate this part, he's said he's going twice now but I don't believe him until he goes hmm I work full time, it's so hard to get everything sorted which I've tried to do for the future and now without actually knowing how it's all going to pan out. I guess day by day is the best way to roll.

Attila, thanks for the message, I have a support worker at the moment and am constantly in touch with her. Also trying to get some legal advice. I think my h is just realising that we have no future. I really want to turn back but as we all say "you can't change what's happened" it just takes something big like the verbal and emotional abuse that we suffer to realise that things just aren't going to end.

He's tried all week to get close to me and I cringe, it felt wrong to kiss him, that's just not good is it!? you may note that I keep second guessing myself and I guess it's what you do when you still live in the past and the present and he hasn't gone yet. I feel like I want him to leave at least that's what I've been telling him but part of me like gone is living in the past and really wants things to be different. It's so sad that it's not going to happen. sad

mammadiggingdeep Fri 14-Mar-14 15:30:28

Hugs and flowers

Dig deep...you'll be fine, just remember you will be better off in the long run

X

ceecee32 Fri 14-Mar-14 16:42:34

Its a long long time now since I got divorced from my controlling verbally abusive lout waste of space, I do remember how sad I was. We actually met up in a pub (gawd knows why other than he still expected me to jump when he shouted) and I cried.

He thought it was because I was sad that we were splitting up but it wasn't - looking back I think I was grieving for the life that I had hoped I would have and all my dreams had been rubbish. I certainly wasn't sad to be leaving the life that I really had.

You might just be sad because things didn't work out the way that you had hoped.

Life will get much better - I promise
x

goneanonymous Fri 14-Mar-14 17:24:59

Gosh there are so many of us! Thank you so much for all posting, it really really helps. I feel like I am breaking a family up when it's NOT me that is doing it.

SKoo2 YES 'He wants a family and home without putting any effort in' that, exactly that! Why are they like this? Idiots they would rather be maudlin and poor me than have so much amazingness.

I've told a couple of friends now and they are being really supportive actually, they know us they know our lives they also have known recently how often he has been dead drunk and they say I am doing the right thing, the best thing for our family. I think I would probably have let the part which is not joining in with our lives slide tbh and just lived unhappily wishing for more but the drunk idiot mixed in with that has just cemented it. Maybe I should be thankfullfor it after all wink.

YES 20 years for me now, no more being a fool for a man who ultimately couldn't be bothered to try for me and I am SO worth more than that. We all are on here.

CurtWild Fri 14-Mar-14 17:44:05

gone I love your spirit smile. I'm still telling myself it may have been me who moved out but it was him who broke up the family. And yes, we are all worth more than living our lives with men who are blind to all the awesomeness they have right under their noses. Their loss grin

goneanonymous Fri 14-Mar-14 20:17:07

You know what, a lot of that spirit comes from MN, I didn't used to think I was worth much but thread after thread of awesome strong women made me realise that actually I was due just as much as everyone else. I am a bit scary now, almost feel like apologising to H for getting a backbone and stopping accepting just being unhappy. Not that I ever would, of course, I have learned at the feet of the greats grin.

CurtWild Fri 14-Mar-14 20:28:13

You and me both gone..it was lurking around on here that made me think 'fuck this farce, these ladies did it and survived, so will I'. Nothing like a bit of girl power. Stbxh figured I'd be his doormat and emotional punching bag forever, even said to me once the very brave words of 'you'd never leave me'..he had a bloody shock when I told him I'd found a house for me and DC and we'd be gone within a fortnight.
I have no doubt that as sad as we are, we'll be just fine smile

goneanonymous Fri 14-Mar-14 20:44:55

We are going to be awesome grin

goneanonymous Fri 14-Mar-14 20:45:46

I think I've spent too long thinking he needs to leave you know, he is looking to wheedle out of it, time to google rental properties.

CurtWild Fri 14-Mar-14 20:53:25

Once you know it's right, you find yourself just willing it to be done. Once I'd decided enough was enough, there was no stopping me. He text me the other night asking if I miss him yet, and am I happier. I ignored him.
I miss the man I fell in love with not the one he became, and no, I'm not happier, I'm sad and disappointed for the loss of what could have been. But I will be happier. And yes, we're going to be awesome grin

Addictedtoamazon Fri 14-Mar-14 22:18:00

Another one here going through the same thing. I asked H to leave 3 weeks ago due to his drinking and wanting to act like a single man.

I feel extremely sad for DD1 (age 4) who is having a hard time dealing with the split and also sad for what could have been. Like others have said, we could have had a brilliant life together. But when I look back at how miserable the realtionship had become, I realise that the sadness is for what could have been rather than what we actually had. And in fact, what I actually feel is relief that it is over and that I will no longer have to live a half life watching the clock and feeling the energy sapping resentment when he comes home late and pissed. My house is cleaner than it has ever been because I now have my energy and motivation back. And one of my best friends said that although I look very sad, I have my sparkle back.

OP, you have done the hardest bit. Just be gentle to yourself over the next few days and weeks and concentrate on getting yourself and your DCs through each day as it comes. If I am having a bad day, I sometimes even take it an hour at a time. And before you know it the days turn into weeks and the sadness will lessen. And YY to us all being awesome grin Onwards and upwards, there will be great things ahead for us all.

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