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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Compromising on expectations for physical affection?

47 replies

MsMarvel · 02/03/2014 19:29

DP doesn't see the point of it and is just not a touchy feely person in general. I do get that.

But cuddles, hand holding etc is really important to me, I feel held at arms length without it.

I've spent so long just dealing with the fact hat DP doesn't like it, and trying to come to terms with it not happening, but it's really getting me down. I realised last night that I can't remember the last time we had a little cuddle after going to bed, before going to sleep. Every night I suggest it and get told 'not tonight'.

We still have regular sex so it's not to do with that, it's just the little things.

How easy is this to deal with? Should I just accept that it's not going to happen or should I push the issue? It seems so petty to have such a serious talk about cuddles but it's really getting me down.

OP posts:

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2014 20:02

How long have you been together? Personally I can't imagine a relationship and certainly not sex with someone who wasn't 'touchy feely'. Isn't it all very cold and impersonal?

MsMarvel · 02/03/2014 20:17

I think that as well, I sometimes feel very distant from him, as if I could be anyone iykwim. But at the same time, when does my wanting cuddles trump his not wanting them? We are both entitled to our feeling on the matter and neither of us is 'wrong'

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2014 20:19

Neither of you are wrong but something like this is a pretty fundamental incompatibility that isn't going to get better over time. Tactile vs non-tactile means two people, neither of whom are comfortable. That's why I asked how long you've been together. Is he a recent DP? Live together? Kids?

MsMarvel · 02/03/2014 20:20

Been together 2 years, no kids, but I'm close to his DSD.

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SolidGoldBrass · 02/03/2014 20:20

OK, please bear in mind that neither of you is a bad person regarding liking/disliking physical affection. Some people are more touchy-feely than others.

However, what's the rest of the relationship like? Does he treat you with kindness and courtesy, does he pull his weight in terms of domestic work/leisure/finance?
If it's all good apart from your different levels of touchy-feeliness then you could work on a compromise eg if you want a hug you can ask for one and, unless he is totally in the middle of something else/feeling ill/angry about something then he can just give you a hug; it won't kill him to do so.

MsMarvel · 02/03/2014 20:22

We have an agreement now where I ask if I can have a cuddle, it's just that most of the time he says no.

Aside from this issue we are happy, we seem compatible in all other ways, which is why I feel petty in focussing on this.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 02/03/2014 20:23

Actually, OP, you could think about it in terms of how couples deal with a libido mismatch - some people think that a compromise is worth working out, others feel that the low libido partner's right to not have/want sex always trumps the other partner's desire for sex.
Are you pestering for cuddles the way some people pester for sex? Is your DP someone who really doesn't like physical contact?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2014 20:23

I'm not sure preference for physical affection is something you can compromise on satisfactorily. In the blue corner there's the OP being rejected and feeling distant because she doesn't get so much as a cuddle. In the red corner there's 'Sheldon Cooper', recoiling at the idea of having to touch another human being... Weirdo.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2014 20:24

You can ask????? Why not go the whole hog and book an appointment in the diary? OP he sounds like a head-fuck.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2014 20:27

It occurs to me that his withholding of affection could be a control mechanism.... You say you seem compatible. Does that mean you agree on everything naturally or do you find yourself agreeing with him for a quiet life and the hope of a cuddle?

MsMarvel · 02/03/2014 20:29

SolidGoldbrass I do acknowledge that it's maybe got to the point of me pestering him, because I get told no so much, so I do think I'm not helping the situation. Feeling insecure about not getting cuddles leads to me wanting a sign of security, eg a cuddle, and there is the cycle.

He is just someone that doesn't like physical contact, he isn't big on hugging his dd, says he tried to avoid that where possible too, although he obviously doesn't tell her know if she goes to cuddle him. Me and DSD have developed a relationship where we have lots of cuddles lol! But at least I know it's not just me he doesn't want physical contact with.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/03/2014 20:30

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Lweji · 02/03/2014 20:30

You're not wrong for wanting physical affection. He's not wrong to not want it.
The problem here is how it affects you and your relationship. Can you say that the affection and the love for him will last? That you won't become resentful?
Now is the time to make those decisions, because there's really no compromise on this.

Monetbyhimself · 02/03/2014 20:31

What would actually happen if you walked ip to him and hugged him ?

MsMarvel · 02/03/2014 20:31

It isn't just me agreeing with him for stuff, we talk about the future of stuff etc and I will voice my opinions so that we don't get to the point of raising children and finding ourselves completely with differencing opinions on how to do it. I know it would be easier to end this now rather than later, and I know we have similar opinions on the 'big' things.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 02/03/2014 20:31

Yes, actually, this could be a control thing. Was he always like this? Also, it could be a matter of scale - how many times a week do you want a cuddle, and how many times does he actually agree to cuddle you?
Because if you are asking 10 times a day and he's saying yes once or twice, then maybe you are being too needy... but if you ask once a week or so and he says yes once a year, then you're either hugely incompatible or he's enjoying the idea of using cuddles as a kind of doggy treat.

tumbletumble · 02/03/2014 20:32

I agree that your DP is not 'wrong' in being less tactile but your current situation sounds awful for
you. I am much more touchy feely than my DH, but if I ask for a cuddle he will always give me one - it's just that he's much less likely thange me to do it spontaneously. You need to find a new compromise.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/03/2014 20:33

OK, he basically doesn't like cuddling. How kind is he to you otherwise? Does he speak to you politely, or put you down a lot? Do you live together, and if so, did you get a home together or one of you move in with the other?

MsMarvel · 02/03/2014 20:33

If I walked up and hugged him he would be a bit bemused, hug me back, and then tell me not to take him by surprise.

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MsMarvel · 02/03/2014 20:35

there aren't any issues apart from this, he is thoughtful and loving in other ways, just not in this way. Iain's ask for a cuddle at least once a day, I ask every night when we go to
Bed. He maybe agrees half the time, so it could just be me hassling him...

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HandragsNGladbags · 02/03/2014 20:36

DH was/is much much more affectionate than me.

If I am pissed off I feel very crowded if he tries to cuddle me, if he is stressed he wants a hug. So we compromise, and I make an effort not to be such a cold fish. It's worked (been together 9 years) and we are far more similar now.

I wouldn't continually reject him though even if I don't need the affection the way he does.

I am very affectionate to the dc's though and always have been.

MsMarvel · 02/03/2014 20:41

If I tell him I need a cuddle, he responds with 'nobody needs a cuddle'

OP posts:

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TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 02/03/2014 20:41

Watching with interest. I have pretty much the opposite problem, I'm really not tactile at all and dh is. I have to remind myself regularly to squeeze/rub/cuddle him but it doesn't come naturally to me at all. We have a good relationship otherwise, equal give and take and things between us are fine. But I feel he'd always like more touchy feely than he gets. I'd like to address it as I want him to be happy but I don't know how to do more without setting a reminder on my phone every hour!!!

SolidGoldBrass · 02/03/2014 20:44

TBH it's starting to sound a bit as though you need to reduce your expectations. There's nothing wrong with being less tactile if a person is kind in other ways.

My DS is very 'cuddly' and I sometimes say to him that he needs to remember that not everyone likes cuddles.

Wrapdress · 02/03/2014 20:44

Was he ever touchy-feely like in the beginning when you were first falling on love?

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