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Help me with dh weight problem

(28 Posts)
Cigarettesandsmirnoff Wed 19-Feb-14 10:06:34

I'm worried about his weight. He is nearly 20 stone. He is only 30.

He should be in the prime of his life but he has hip problems possibly arthritis due to they weight on them.

He was an amazing sports player in his early 20s but a sports Injury took him out the game for a few years and his weight shot up. While he was at the doctors about his hips the doctor told him his weight on his last visit and he was shocked at how much he had gained. The doctor told he he was obese and it hurt him.

He is now playing in local teams that are way below the standard or skill he has but his weight stops him from being active enough and he is often substituted. That hurts him too.

I went to go watch a match and the opposing team were calling him a 'fat cunt' and I got really upset and had too leave. He just said it was banter.

When he got home from the match I had a talk with him about trying to lose weight so he can play at the standard he is used to because he is so much better than that. I said I would diet with him too as I'd just had ds and was unhappy about my figure too. He is tall but his stomach sticks out like he is nine months pregnant.

I've talked to him about diabetics and strain on his heart but because he had a medical for his life insurance that give him a clean bill of health, he just laughs it off.

I worked hard to lose my baby weight, exercised but dh couldn't be arsed. He swears blind he eats like a bird at work and the food I could is healthy so he must be lying. His business partner has tried encouraging him to go to the gym with him but he doesn't keep it up.

He is such a handsome fella, a real beautiful face but the fact he dosnt care about his health and not even trying is really turning me off. He has noticed this and often says in bed that I don't fancy him anymore - which I always say I do.

I spoke to him this morning about maybe cutting wheat out as I noticed a dramatic difference when I did. He said ok. Then when his dad called in this morning, I was making FIL some toast and dh just walked past and took a piece. I might as well be talking Hebrew .

I'm at a loss what to do, I don't want to see my dh carry on turning in to an unhealthy man. I don't want him to have heart problem and myself and ds lose him, as heart problem are in his family. I want him to be able to run around with ds. Dh can't really do running at the moment.

I probably sound such a bitch. I've suggested, nagged, encouraged and cajoled . Don't know what else now.

Any suggestions? Please don't flame!

Faverolles Wed 19-Feb-14 10:08:32

I don't think there's anything you can do.
If he wants to lose weight, then fine, support him, help him, but until that time, you might as well be talking to a brick wall. (And I say that as someone who is overweight.)

princessalbert Wed 19-Feb-14 10:11:41

Sorry OP.

I agree with Faverolles - unless he actually wants to make a start on losing the weight, then no amount of help or encouragement from you is going to make him do it.

You do your healthy eating - and hopefully he may notice that it is a beneficial way to live and perhaps soon it will 'click'.

DarlingGrace Wed 19-Feb-14 10:12:15

Nothing you can do, sweetheart. Dh was v sporty, stacked on the weight after an injury and two heart attacks in his early 40's. he was totally in denial about his weight. Blamed everything from the EU hmm making clothes a smaller size, to me apparently shrinking everything.

Food is like any other drug - people are always in denial about how much they eat. They very well have small meals, but its the snacking in between.

DH ended up with several heart attacks, diabetes, cholesterol, high BP, lots of other bits and bobs - I think the worst was the inability to bed over and pit his socks on - that was the EU again, making the elastic too tight .....

Eventually he had bariatric surgery, he's lost 13 stone and is back playing sport, heart is fine, cholesterol and BP right down to normal parameters and one metformin a day to keep his diabetes in check.

Perhaps show your DH my post? But I doubt he will recognise himself

he had a medical for his life insurance that give him a clean bill of health, he just laughs it off FIL had one of those too. Was dead 2 weeks later.

AnyFuckerHQ Wed 19-Feb-14 10:15:28

Just stop

There is nothing you can do

If you are the shopper and cook,, facilitate healthy eating

The rest is down to him

gamerchick Wed 19-Feb-14 10:22:21

Its really hard to get a man to lose weight if he just can't be bothered.

the only way I can think of thats effective to tell them their dick gets bigger with weight loss as the base is buried in a pad of fat.. so in effect his weight gain has made him smaller.

its very likely he's picking at work.. it's easy to ramp up calories when you're a picker.

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 19-Feb-14 10:24:53

How tall is he?

I can't believe some of the stuff they shout at each other during five-a-side etc... I'm not usually a prude but if some one shouted some of the stuff they were shouting at each other at me I'd have knocked them out grin

You don't sound like a bitch at all... I'd say to him that you think you should all go on a bit of a health kick to set a good example to DS etc (sorry if you are really slim! but it sounds a bit less like he's being nagged if you all do it together?). You've got a child with him so it's not unreasonable for you to want and expect him to be able to look after him self.

Does he swim? Might be a good opportunity for him to do some lengths and shouldn't be too much strain on his injuries etc?

My mate's DP got a subsidies gym membership from his GP when he got told he was obese. He popped in three times a week after work and slowly but surely he lost about 4 stone (I think) over about a year and a half.

Not sure if he drinks a lot but that can be a huge thing on weight as well - I'm sure everyone knows that already but dunno how much your bloke drinks?

DarlingGrace I love the excuse of the EU and the smaller clothes! I'm using that next time something won't do up grin

Cigarettesandsmirnoff Wed 19-Feb-14 10:26:11

Omg darling that just brought it home with a wallop! Must have been awful for you all. Well done to your dh for turning his life around.

Gah it's shit.

Completely understand what you are all saying but feel bloody helpless.

Thanks for replying

sad

trainersandaches Wed 19-Feb-14 10:26:42

I thought the answers to this Guardian letter on Saturday were very interesting with regards to an overweight husband:

trainersandaches Wed 19-Feb-14 10:27:27

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/feb/14/partner-very-overweight-health-suffering

But the overwhelming thought seems to be that unless her DH wants to change she can't make him.

WhoNickedMyName Wed 19-Feb-14 10:27:35

He is such a handsome fella, a real beautiful face but the fact he dosnt care about his health and not even trying is really turning me off. He has noticed this and often says in bed that I don't fancy him anymore - which I always say I do

Have you thought about being honest with him... saying "look DH, I love you, I want you to be healthy, but yes, tbh, I don't fancy you at this weight and I'm find the fact that you're not willing to help yourself a turn off. I'm at a loss as to what to do to help or encourage you now, so I'll just leave you to it. I won't mention it again, but I don't want to hear you moaning about your health/weight/the fact I don't jump on you in bed any more until you're ready to do something about it".

Nothing else seems to have worked so far. Maybe it's time for total honesty. I will always love my DH to bits no matter what he looks like, but I'm not physically attracted to overweight men and he knows this. Likewise, it works both ways.

gamerchick Wed 19-Feb-14 10:29:49

I think the only thing you can 'do' if you want to do something. is not have any picky things in the house. then it's his choice to buy them outside of the house.

if he still says he eats like a bird.. tell him the only person he's fibbing too is himself. He's not in the zone to do anything about it yet.

rosesareredvioletsarepurple Wed 19-Feb-14 10:33:15

An old DP once told me he didn't fancy me when I put on weight. He told me in a kind way, I think to spur me on but it crushed me and I was devastated

He already knows it's turning you off, I'm sure. Please don't tell him. Try telling him how much you love him and tell him he's handsome. Build his self esteem. Make healthy eating part of family life. No snacks, try my fitness pal and tell him how great it is. Go on walks at the weekend

Fat people know they are fat, I promise. And when fat people are ready to lose weight they will.

manaboutthemaison Wed 19-Feb-14 10:33:32

I used to be a fit professional motorcycle racer until one crash too many forced me to retire with the inevitable weight gain, at the age of 48 I decided that I needed to do something about it before a doctor told me to. I joined WW. Mrs maison helped with healthy eating and I lost 2 1/2 stone in three months. I feel so much better for it and my self confidence increased.

You can't do anything for him unless he wants to do it for himself.

specialsubject Wed 19-Feb-14 10:33:43

one piece of toast does not make a difference. He doesn't eat like a bird.

it is a simple matter of not eating more than you burn off, with a sensible balanced diet. Good carbs, lots of veg, protein, a little dairy, a little fat. That's it.

there's nothing you can do directly. However he needs new friends that don't bully, perhaps a new way of being active where he will be encouraged. You don't give his height but even Steve Redgrave at 6 foot 5 is lighter than he is.

brutally, if this goes on he should look at putting his affairs in order.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff Wed 19-Feb-14 10:35:07

gamerchick grin I can just imagine his face if I did.

His old injury doesn't effect him at all now.

He has a gym membership through work , a real fancy gym, but to be fair he does work long shitty hours but I suppose other people fit it in.

He doesn't drink at all, but would order three dishes for him self from the take away, I've managed to get him down to two that we share. He is def an emotional eater.

Work is an issue. The boss regularly brings food in at lunch , samosas , meat platters, but he promises he didn't touch them any more hmm

whatever his brother had to pull me back as I was on my way round to the other side of the pitch. Then after dh scored five times , he took his top off and stuck his belly out more and walked up and down. I had to leave.

SerenaBracken Wed 19-Feb-14 10:36:47

I tried helping my diabetic ex, he'd been told that unless he lost weight he would need insulin.
Unknown to me, who was weighing the most expensive cuts of meat and going to all such palaver. He had a stash of chocolate in his bed side table, and thought it funny when caught. I never bothered again.

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 19-Feb-14 10:38:45

Oh god yeah I would have left too...

Think WhoNicked makes a good point about just talking to him and being honest.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff Wed 19-Feb-14 10:40:11

Thanks for your responses, I'm slow on the iPad!

Cigarettesandsmirnoff Wed 19-Feb-14 10:44:04

I agree with who but I would be devastated if he said that to me and I think he already knows the situation with me not fancying him as much.

I would never leave him though, he is the best thing to happen to me, so I get worried that he is damaging his quality of life and the thought of him not being here in the future with ds is hideous.

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 19-Feb-14 11:14:25

Aw, well tell him that as well. Just tell him the good stuff, then say that you're concerned and why, and then what you want for the future (ie - him not getting verbally abused when he's playing sport and not getting out of breath etc)... he just doesn't realise how upset and worried you are. Tell him. And say you don't want to hurt his feelings.

Irishmummy1981 Wed 19-Feb-14 12:10:07

If he doesnt listen to you with the above suggestions ask him what he would like for his funeral. Bit shocking I know but my dad had high cholesterol and it was only when the doctor said he might die that he changed his diet. He lost weight and has kept it off.

MarysDressSways Wed 19-Feb-14 12:12:26

He needs that moment of realisation that he can't carry on like that. You talking to him MIGHT be that moment, or it might not.

I was in a similar position to him, as in I knew I was very big, and I knew I had to lose weight, but I didn't do anything about it. After a visit to the Doctor about my bad back and a very stern talking to from him, I had that "moment". I am in the process of losing lots of weight now and am determined to get to my target (it's working so far!). It has to come from him though.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 19-Feb-14 12:17:21

When I had a DD I had to give DH (ex now) ultimatums.
He was overweight, smoked, didn't exercise, drank too much.
So I sat him down and explained that I did not want to bring up my daughter on my own.
That he should be there to walk her down the aisle when she is older.
A few more things I think.
I told him he had to give up something.
He chose smoking.
Which was good but didn't do anything about his weight.
16 years down the line he's still overweight (same as your OH) 20 stone and he's smoking again.
It's not my problem now though and there is nothing I can do about it.
Only you know how he will react if you are honest.
But.... unfortunately, as most people have said. He has to do this. You can't do it for him.
Food addiction is a real problem.
It's unlike anything else. You can't just stop eating and get rid of temptations etc.....
You have to eat to live. It's a real battle so many have every day.
Could you recommend surgery maybe?
A balloon or a lapband to begin with?
I do feel for you. I'm sure he'll get there in the end.

Ragwort Wed 19-Feb-14 12:27:12

I agree with everyone else that your husband has to want to lose weight for himself not for any other reason trotted out here.

I am 2-3 stone overweight and there is nothing that my husband could say to me that would make me think 'oh right, I must do something about my weight'. I know how to lose weight (have done on more than one occasion) but I don't want to be scolded, lectured or pleaded with. And it wouldn't bother me one jot if my DH didn't 'fancy' me anymore would enjoy having the bed to myself. grin

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