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Family pressuring me

(94 Posts)
FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 10:41:34

Sorry I have NCed and this will be the most frustratingly vague OP ever (to avoid outing me).

I am under pressure from family to do something that will benefit my parents and sister financially but financially have a detrimental impact on me. I have been pushed to make an immediate decision on this and been made to feel really guilty about it.

Part of me would like to be in a position to help them out but I feel resentful because:
a) I am feeling emotionally blackmailed into it
b) I have a lot on my plate at the minute and asked for a week to think about it, only to be told no I need to say yes today (or be the worst in the world.)
c) My sister (who is financially benefitting from the situation) is in a position to help but doesn't want to lose money herself so is foisting things onto me! She will be gaining a lot while I am losing a lot for no gain!
d) Because it's family there will be no contracts involved - I have a feeling the situation could drag on for a long time, costing me a lot of money and resentment, with no prospect of amicable resolution if the shit hits the fan.
e) It could get very costly for me for all sorts of reasons.

My gut instinct is to say no now, ride out the storm and be made to feel like a bitch, on the basis that it will probably end better than me saying yes and then being full of resentment and a row developing down the line.

Either way it's a lose-lose situation for me.

So really I am asking: have you been in this situation before (being railroaded into subsidising other people's transactions at your own loss)? And what did you do?


ToBeSure Mon 10-Feb-14 19:07:39

Oh commiserations OP sad It was never going to end well but it sounds like you did the right thing.

Have some thanks and wine.

Try not to dwell on it and keep reminding yourself that it wasn't your fault.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 10-Feb-14 19:12:20

Keep remembering that you haven't caused this situation, you've simply reacted to it.

I really don't understand the bit where your sister will also benefit from the proposed idea and is in a position to help in the same way as you've been asked, but wouldn't.
You know the answer to that, so factor it into your thinking wine

Mishmashfamily Mon 10-Feb-14 19:13:16

Just think of the whole shower of shit you have saved your self from!

tribpot Mon 10-Feb-14 19:13:17

Very, very hard when you're having the emotional guilters put on you, OP. But one thing really stands out - your sister could do this but is choosing not to. All you're doing is choosing not to as well. And your sister will actually benefit if she did do it - but is choosing not to. Keep saying that to yourself! (And to them).

My DH's family have got used to treating him like an ATM over the years, I don't think they've been best pleased that I've put a stop to it. Less because I don't think we should be treated like a money pit and more because my DH is chronically ill and unlikely ever to work again. So we kind of need back assets that were lent in the past on the basis that he could easily work to replace them. Genuinely I have had to say "you get that he has no income and no prospect of ever working?" and this hasn't occurred to them. Some people are unbelievably blinkered.

clam Mon 10-Feb-14 19:14:19

I think your family are bang out of line. Try to remember that when they're going on about it.

SofaKing Mon 10-Feb-14 19:19:33

So sorry open. But you have not let yourself be manipulated. That is why they are angry. Bad as you feel right now, try to take comfort from the fact that all this tantrumming is because you stood up for yourself, and wouldn't be manipulated, and now they know you won't roll over and say yes to everything they will think twice before manipulating you in future.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids Mon 10-Feb-14 19:50:26

Certainly there has been an attempt to manipulate you. But you have stood up to the manipulators. Of course they don't like it. Tough for them.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Feb-14 20:14:46

'It's done. There was a row. I am at fault and leaving everyone in the shit.
I have done what I felt needed to be done but there is no sense of achievement. I feel guilty and sad and I think there will be a shitstorm. I also feel totally manipulated.'

Just think of how much shit you saved yourself trying to get them from further using you.

Well done!

ContinentalKat Mon 10-Feb-14 20:19:33

Well done! thanks and wine and [balls of steel badge] to you!

sebsmummy1 Mon 10-Feb-14 20:21:46

You were right to say no, now sell the asset.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 10-Feb-14 20:35:17

Unfortunately your family have spent the whole of your llife convincing you that you only exist for others' benefit (ie theirs) and that your wishes, feelings and needs are unimportant, and it's hard to stand up for yourself after a lifetime of being taught that you are inferior and must be obedient and self-sacrificing.
But you did it. Well done. You're strong. Be proud of yourself.

RandomMess Mon 10-Feb-14 20:36:18

Well done, quickly sell it so they can't come back at you again over it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Feb-14 20:48:42

Try and focus on the forthcoming work trip. Families eh.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 10-Feb-14 20:49:06

You know in your heart that your family wouldn't like or approve of you any better if you had done it than because you haven't; they'd just have got off your neck for a bit until next time they wanted something .

pepitoincognito Mon 10-Feb-14 21:03:41

well done on saying no. I recently had family asking me for a large sum which I am quite sure they would have slowly but surely paid back. But it would have cleaned out my emergency rainy day fund completely and wasn't going to be used for their health or safety but a material asset. So I also said no. It is hard. But you did the right thing. If I can't afford something, I do without. And unless I was really struggling to feed or house myself, I wouldn't ask anyone for help. Stay firm.

50ShadesofGreyMatter Mon 10-Feb-14 21:07:26

Have you asked them why it is OK for you sister to say no but not you?

eddielizzard Mon 10-Feb-14 21:11:51

good point 50shades

Walkacrossthesand Mon 10-Feb-14 21:26:30

Another 'well done' to add to the chorus - if you feel bad, it's because that's what they want you to feel and you're accustomed to bowing to their wishes. But you don't have to, you know - loving families look after each other, it's not meant to be one way traffic as it seems to have been in yours. If they don't look after your interests, you have to - that's what you did, and quite right too. Stay strong!

FeelingRailroaded Mon 10-Feb-14 21:31:55

Yes the damage is done. Thanks for the handholding. Signing off the thread as I will be away with work - a welcome distraction under the circumstances.

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