Tips on making FWB work

[Jesuisunepapillon]

I have decided that for now at least I can't be in a relationship. I have a disability and I'm too unwell to deal with either getting repeatedly rejected because of my disability or dealing with the utter twunts I keep managing to date. Things might change in the future but for now, I just want a nice quiet, stable life where I pursue my interests and my friendships and enjoy my free time.

I've never been in a FWB type situation. I guess ideally I would place an ad on POF or somewhere, stressing I'm most definitely not into one night stands or married men (or being peed on. It seems if I don't clarify that in advance I attract a lot of people who want such a thing, for some reason!!) but that I would liketo meet someone nice. I can't think how else to go about it. I would like to be meeting up with someone who genuinely becomes a friend, who is perhaps divorced or bereaved or just plain old cynical and knows they don't want a full on relationship, someone I could hang out with occasionally, have brilliant sex with but not live with or be attached to beyond that.

Does that seem impossible? What should I be looking to do to avoid a)attracting idiots, and b)making sure it is genuinely stress free and I don't fall for someone. I'm sure there are all sorts of pitfalls that I can't even contemplate, having not done this before.

This might be a bit impossible to answer. I'm thinking aloud more than anything. But there must be people on here who have similar arrangements and have tips for me. I would be so chuffed to hear from anyone who has a similar relationship and has made it work.

[Jesuisunepapillon]

This is going to be one of those threads that no one has a clue how to answer, isn't it?

I would love to be one of those normal people who meets a nice man, settles down, gets married and has babies.

[livingzuid]

Imo this is impossible based on personal experience and seeing friends both male and female be broken by it. To be intimate requires a degree of emotional engagement. And one person always gets in deeper than the other. At first it might be OK but in the end someone gets very hurt.

You deserve to be loved and appreciated for who you are and I am sorry that you have had such a rough time of it. There are people who look beyond the superficial and see the person underneath.

Maybe just start with the friends and companions side and see where it leads?

[Writerwannabe83]

Why do you need a FWB though?
Why can't you just be happy being single?

Sex isn't a necessity in life

I used to love my single days - I didn't have to care about anyone but myself, no obsessing or analysing over what a guy was or wasn't saying or doing, it was heaven!! I had my vibrator and my batteries and I was quite content

[Jesuisunepapillon]

Thank you living, I was worried someone would say that. Maybe I should stick to getting a dog . I am working on building my friendships with men, because out of my current friends all the men I know are in relationships. It's hard though!! I do get men who are interested in me, it's just that it's a repeated thing that they say 'oh you're disabled? Oh, er, I'm afraid I can't be with someone disabled.' I mean, I don't have tentacles or anything!

Writer, I wish it was that simple. I am happy being single in many, many ways; probably 80% of the time but I don't think I'm unusal in wanting intimacy and companionship. I am not content without loving sex in my life. I have zero touch in my life right now. I am sat alone for 14 hours a day. I have some genuinely good friends, but we're in our thirties so they're mostly busy with careers, partners, children, etc. etc. I'm low on their list on priorities. I do appreciate there are negative in many relationships though, which I guess is why for now I don't want one. I want a different arrangement.

[Jesuisunepapillon]

And I think you only have to look at many, many posts on here to see that in fact sex is hugely important in life. Not a necessity, but near enough.

[livingzuid]

Best thing ever getting a dog! You meet all kinds of cool people as well when you are out with the pooch. I have so many nice conversations with people when we are out and about. You won't regret it, particularly for companionship.

There will be someone who sees you and not a disability :) ie the right man.

I don't think swb will be the answer you are looking for necessarily.

[livingzuid]

It's precisely because sex is so important that fwb is so challenging. You cross a line as soon as you engage and nothing is the same again. It changes the whole dynamic of a relationship.

[livingzuid]

And finally sorry your statement loving sex is achieved only by a being in a healthy partnership. Otherwise it's just two people getting their end away and there's nothing much loving in that.

[Writerwannabe83]

but I don't think I'm unusual in wanting intimacy and companionship. I am not content without loving sex in my life.

But this is the exact opposite of what a FWB set-up is???

FWB only works if both people can be completely detached, be happy to have casual meaningless sex and not care if the other person is also having sex with other people etc etc

I 100% agree with living - FWB always ends in someone getting hurt and usually it's the woman

[Jesuisunepapillon]

There will be someone who sees you and not a disability, ie the right man. I just wish he'd hurry up and come along soon. I did some internet dating in the autumn, 4 men, one after the other rejected me because of my disability. Now, I don't think internet dating is quite right for me, it's such a meat market, but still I've taken an enormous blow.

I am hearing what you're saying about the developing feelings, and how loving sex is only part of a healthy partnership living, and I think you're right. I think I've just convinced myself it's impossible to find someone. The crazy thing is I don't look disabled (so nothing to be too scared of initially), I'm educated, have a gazillion interests, am kind and warm and positive. I really just feel baffled no one has wanted to be with me. I've had one relationship my entire life, which is partly because I spent many years being housebound but still. My one boyfriend had depression and intimated that he didn't think he could do any better than me (and told me he was happy to be with me but if I got any more ill, he'd have to reconsider. He's an ex for good reason).

I feel distraught at the lack of touch in my life, having no one to share things with, the lack of sex, being special to someone. I meant it when I said I'm very happy much of the time. I have all these really fulfilling hobbies, I'm comfortable in my own skin, my friends are brilliant, but it's horrible sitting here on these dark evenings thinking 'fuck, this is my life, it will be spent alone.'

[Writerwannabe83]

I have a hidden disability too and have had a few guys break up with me once I told them about it - it really is shitty!!!

[Jesuisunepapillon]

I guess I had hoped there were people out there who had found a FWB set up which was loving. Maybe someone who had had a bad divorce and who had a good friend they slept with but kept at arm's length when it came to living together, etc. I have one friend who has spent 10 years living in a different house to her partner, they just haven't wanted the stress of sharing their lives in a more complicated way. But I guess that is a relationship rather than a FWB type scenario.

[Birdsofafeather]

I started what I suppose was a FWB setup. It was and is great, fun and I fancy him like crazy.

However it's turned in to a weird relationship in that it's gone on for too long (nearly 6 months), we speak to each other a lot on the phone, skype and text a lot.

I have done the cliche and have feelings for him. It's screwed with my head big time.

My advice, from experience, is don't mix business with pleasure as in make it more about benefits than friends. Going down the friends route makes you grow fond of each other. And don't do overnights as you then have that intimacy thrown in.

I'd personally suggest joining POF, I'm sure on there there's an option about dating but nothing serious, maybe give that a go?

[Writerwannabe83]

FWB aren't even friends half the time - the only time they spend time with each other is when they are having sex and there is no 'friendship' outside that activity!!!

FWB is usually just a term to dress up the real description of the set-up, which is FB: "Fuck Buddies."

[ParsleyTheLioness]

I read your thread a bit differently Jesu. IMHO, you are talking about a FWB situation but I think you are describing a relationship. I think, at this point in my life anyhoo, that it is possible to have a loving and in many ways commited relationship, and I believe (hope?) this is what I have, but I just don't want to spend all my time with him, and I can't see a point in the future when I actually want to live with anyone again. I may well be soured by two nasty divorces, but for now, this is working for me fine. He lives fairly near me and we met OD btw.

[Jesuisunepapillon]

That's interesting birds, sorry it's ended up so complicated.

Yes, I guess I'm describing something a little different to FWB. A relationship of sorts, just not one where someone expects marriage/co-habiting/children. And where I don't have to be having anxiety attacks because I'm worrying about what happens if the guy sees me when I'm ill, or if I have to cancel seeing him regularly, or if he'll get fed up with my rubbish energy levels. Parsley, your situation sounds great. I dream of a lovely guy in his early forties, verrrry good looking, thank you very much, who spends maybe half his time seeing his children, some time with his mates, and then the odd evening coming over to me, having a nice supper, getting to talk about cerebral things, and then having mind blowing sex. And then not seeing him again for a couple of weeks because we're both busy doing things we enjoy separately.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

So get OD then, he's out there! Must be plenty of men who already have dc's and don't want any more, whilst loving the ones they have already.

[Rommell]

I've been in a few set-ups like this, and I think the only way it works is if you have plenty of other emotional outlets. The first guy, I was in my (late) teens so I had a very busy and active social life - lots of friends, lots of parties, lots of going out. We tended to hook up if we were both in the club we frequented at the same time, but if neither of us was there it was no biggie. In fact, with the others it was the same - they were an add-on to my life rather than a proper part of it. And so they worked. With all of them, I wasn't looking for emotional intimacy or a relationship per se - more that I had a safe bet to go home with at the end of the evening if we happened to hit the same clubs as each other. We did meet up outside of the clubs as well, but tbh only for sex, not for dates. I mean, I didn't want them to take me out to dinner and all that stuff! I did do lots of chatting with them (well, you do when you're in bed!) and always ended up getting to know them pretty well, but never wanted to take things any further with any of them. So it definitely can be done. I am actually still in quite regular touch with one of them now, and two of them are Facebook friends - there was never any acrimony between us.

I don't know if online dating is the way of getting this sort of relationship though - there are just so many twats out there. All of the blokes I've been involved with in this way, we've started out as ONSs, liked each other and just kind of fallen into the arrangement. I don't know, maybe it could work if you specifically say that that's what you're looking for, but it seems a bit awkward and I don't know how you'd word a profile like that in order to filter out the people who are unkind/a bit fucked up.

[Jesuisunepapillon]

Parsley, I need a few months break at least. I need to lick my wounds and build myself up again first, after my recent experiences. But I will do soon.

Rommell, I would anticipate having to filter through a lot of fucked up people, sadly! I cannot believe the guys who are out there.

Thanks for everyone's input so far. I have to go to bed, but it's been really good to talk this stuff through.

[livingzuid]

Jesu I have bipolar along with a few other medical things and only got diagnosed a few months into my relationship with now Dh. It was very up and down with my illness but he has stuck by my side through thick and thin when I thought he would take off. He is my main carer and certainly neither of us were expecting this to be chucked into the mix so early on in a relationship! Mind you, I had to go to the Netherlands to find him but we met online whilst gaming.

Decent kind men do exist aplenty, but takes time to get to the right one. Don't give up! There is always the dog in the meantime. Mine has literally saved my life.

parsley has it right. What you are describing is a relationship that lots of people have. You don't need to be in each others pockets or be living with someone. Lots of people want to keep their independence.

[Jesuisunepapillon]

Thank you living. Your post is so heartening.

[JustHowItIsToday]

Jesuis I want what you want, but we both know its not FWB - its a relationship with someone wonderful, but on our terms. FWB has surely got to be a passport to heartbreak.

My experience is that men who do OD are a mixed bag (as are the women) and if you're not what they're looking for, that's it - if it wasn't your disability it would be something else. (I've rejected men because they've had bad teeth; were too short; were still living in shared accommodation in their 40s). We're all fickle.

I'm thinking maybe your disability is something of a red herring; we all get rejected when we do OD. I've had blokes not want to see me again because my daughter seems needy ; I wasn't as enthusiastic as him about travelling; I'm as tall as I said I was in my profile.

Its a numbers game - the more you have contact with, the more chance there is of finding one that's right for you. But you need a thick skin and learn to not take it all too seriously. I find having lots of other stuff going on means I don't obsess at all about OD; it just goes on merrily in the background of my life.

[Joysmum]

Such brilliant post in here already, mumsnet at it's best

All the points I was going to raise have been raised. There's a difference between wanting companionship and just sex. What you want doesn't seem to be just sex soba fuckbuddy isn't going to be for you.

[livingzuid]

See I really like online. You can get to know someone well and have huge conversations and it breaks down barriers such as distance. So long as they are prepared to do video chat so you can see they are genuinely who they say they are. It is a great way of getting to know new people and make friends. People can lie as fast to you in rl as they can online so I don't see the difference that much.

Dh and I spoke for months before I finally met him (we'd known each other as friends online for about 5 years before that as I was with xh).

Just have fun with it, play the field etc. We all have our flaws and real men realise that you are a whole package and embrace that rather than splitting hairs about things not being good enough. just is so right about your disability being a red herring. If someone wants to get to know you they won't care about that. It's good to be up front about it because it sorts the wheat from the chaff. Good luck!

[maparole]

FWB only works if both people can be completely detached, be happy to have casual meaningless sex and not care if the other person is also having sex with other people etc etc

I don't believe this is necessarily true, though it seems to be the common understanding of this type of relationship.

I had a FWB many moons ago. We were friends, and were genuinely fond of each other and had a really great time together. Then we started having sex sometimes as well. It was not at all detached or meaningless; it was caring and fun and very satisfying on every level. This continued for several years. Every now and again, one or the other of us would find a partner and we would then stop the sex bit of our friendship until such time as we were both again single. Eventually, he met someone he was serious about so we stopped for good. It was nothing but a positive in my life.

However, I think the critical difference is that we were friends first and the sex came about in a gradual and natural manner. I don't think you could set out to find this with the sex at the forefront.