Should I report him?

[tummybummer]

I will try to summarise briefly:

Whilst at uni I had a personal tutor assigned to look after my welfare. I couldn't get hold of him half the time so another tutor said I should switch to him and I did. Friendly guy, everyone liked him and we were quite friendly, chatted by text etc.

I was unwell with thyroid problems and quite bad anxiety. One night I had a huge panic attack whilst alone and had chest pains. Called an ambulance and my tutor. My uni was hundreds of miles from home btw. Paramedics came and reassured me. Tutor came round the next day to check on me, gave me a hug and then made a move on me (put his hand up my top). We then had sex and then continued to have sex a few more times over the weeks that followed. I felt like I was making choices and I was 20, not a child, but looking back I can see I was vulnerable and he was exploitative.

It was awful AWFUL sex. He was 26 years my senior and had problems getting it up. I was inexperienced and didn't enjoy it - never had an orgasm. Looking back I can see that the only reason I engaged in it was because I was needy of his attention/support as there was certainly no 'wild affair' or physical pleasure in it for me. At the time, though, I felt I was making choices, albeit horrendous ones, and was never forced or anything.

I put a stop to it and remained in uneasy contact with him (mostly as I was afraid he'd tell, as I had a boyfriend). Much later I found a list on his computer of women he'd slept with, including me and other students both before and after me.

When I left uni I cut all contact with him and everyone I went to uni with.

That was 8ish years ago (9/10 since the affair) and no contact since. It's all come flooding back to me recently, and I'm considering reporting him. He still works there and God knows how many are on his list by now.

Is it worth it though? Or will he just deny it and the uni won't be able to do anything, especially after all this time?

Thank you.

[Twinsplusonesurprise]

Whilst it sounds hideous and you were taken advantage of you weren't underage and it seems you were consenting.
What would you report him for?
I'd probably feel it best to allow yourself some 'grieving' time and let it lie.

[Twinklestein]

He will deny it, but it is worth reporting him. He's likely behaving exactly the same 8 years on...

[lookingfoxy]

I would report it if you feel up to it, he definitely is a predator.
There is more than likely others who may have reported him also.

[Firekraken]

I'm facing a similar situation and I have no idea what to do. I expect the replies will just follow the 'you weren't a child and he would argue consent'

Have you had counselling?

[Twinklestein]

What would you report him for?

For taking advantage of a vulnerable student. Putting his hand up the top of a uni student who called him because she went to hospital is not on.

Universities have a duty of care to their students, and while relationships are not forbidden there are rules around them. Depending on the uni - Oxbridge have their own rules - but generally - he can't be assessing students' work if he's in a sexual relationship with them, & he'd have to disclose any relationship to his head of department etc

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

I think you should. If you are a lone voice in the dark a case may not be made and you should have control over that a bit anyway but.....there may be others that have already reported him and the police may decide that once the reports reach critical mass, they will act.
I was assaulted as a child and nothing was done about it (different times back then), recently I read an article about the same man assaulting a co-worker and I decided to report as I felt maybe he had actually made a life out of assaulting women/people without anyone standing up to him (he is in small scale political office) and my evidence may help a case. I think you should make a police statement and leave it to the powers that be to decide if they want to take it further. Only do this if you are prepared to go the full nine yards though, court etc. Stand there and say your bit, flare your nostrils at the lowlife. Even making the statement may help you mentally get your ducks in a row over it and help you put it in the past.

[tummybummer]

I really meant report him to the uni not the police. He didn't commit a crime.

I really, really want to but am scared of dragging it all up only for nothing to be done. Plus I'm a little scared of him. I think he's a nasty piece of work. Even back then I was a little scared of him.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

You were vulnerable and ill. The student in a case like this is always considered to be at a 'disadvantage' as they may feel they need to comply to get marked up for grades etc. Over the years getting away with it may mean that he has got more and more erm...daring, shall we say. Sailing closer to the wind as regards the age and/or the vulnerability of the student he is abusing and for the sake of that hypothetical person, you should report the evil git.

[FluffyJumper]

I think if you report it nothing may be done, or you may not get to hear about it.

However if someone else reports him in the future, something may be done that time.

[Abbykins1]

I don’t think you have much of a case.

You admit you cheated as you had a b/f at the time!

You say the sex was AWFUL.

He could hardly get it up.

If I was a copper or a member of the Uni authority I would have a great deal of trouble deciding on whether your complaint was serious or a joke.

[tummybummer]

Firekraken if you'd like to talk via pm some support might help us both.

I've not had counselling but start CBT next week for my anxiety as I feel tackling this will make me feel stronger and the therapist said we can talk through this issue as part of that.

[FluffyJumper]

Abby I don't know where your imagined persona as a copper comes into this as the OP has acknowledged that he hasn't committed a crime .

[tummybummer]

Abbykins what an odd comment - why would anyone jokingly report a predatory tutor ten years later?! Would it seem more realistic to you if I'd enjoyed it or if he was better at it? Personally I think that these facts make it very obvious it wasnt about the sex, so what was it about? A vulnerable person, am abuse of power perhaps?

[Logg1e]

How are things with your husband now OP?

[EBearhug]

This time after the event, another week or two won't make any difference, so I would wait and talk it over with the counsellor, and see if talking to them about it would help me think about what will the likely outcomes be if I do or don't report him, and how am I likely to feel about the possible outcomes, and will that be helpful to me or not. Of course, in the end, you may well feel totally different from how you think you would feel, but at least thinking about it all, it might give you a clearer idea.

[Firekraken]

OP, my experience dragged on for three years. He was my boss. I had an abortion. He fucked me up royally but was nicely shifted and financially rewarded from his position at the BBC.

I reported him to the 'Others' Saville investigation but didn't have the guts to take it any further. The investigating officer i spoke to though was very kind and encouraging.

Not really had counselling. It was two decades ago now. I like you, just think, well, I would be laughed at. But the damage is terrible isn't it.

[Abbykins1]

Fluffy, I can assure you the Uni will inform the police.

Tummy as much as I would like to hang the perpetrator by his credentials from the nearest lamppost.

You were complicit in the extreme.You should have told him to keep his f...ng hands to himself.
Sorry.
Go ahead,report it if you must and then suffer the repercussions for who knows how long.
What do you really want from this?

[FluffyJumper]

Why would they inform the police?

[Firekraken]

Abbyykins, you are right. Which is so upsetting. There is really no need to be so smart-arse though.

If you haven't walked in our shoes...

[tummybummer]

Why on earth would they inform the police? You're talking absolute bollocks.

I don't think I was 'complicit in the extreme'. He was predatory. I was ill and looking for support and he turned sexual. And even if I threw myself at him naked he still shouldn't have been so unprofessional from his situation of a much older person in a position of trust by the university.

'Suffer the repercussions'? There is really a very nasty tone to your post.

[Lazyjaney]

I don't think pursuing this will solve your current problems OP, I'd focus on those.

And your case is marginal at best.

[FluffyJumper]

I don't think it sounds marginal OP. It's not like you're saying he raped you.

[joblot]

I wouldn't want abbykins working in child protection. Victims rarely put up a fight. And rape/abuse is incredibly complex, nitnot as simple as she/he is suggesting.

Do what feels right for you op. Counselling might help you reach a decision

[tummybummer]

Thanks all. I guess it's good to see the reaction that I would face if I did report this. :/

I know I did wrong. I'm not marginalising that at all. I was not raped. I made choices, very bad choices.

What he did was wrong. When I reached out to him I was vulnerable and frightened. I'd just called an ambulance for goodness sake. Part of his paid job at the university was to look after vulnerable students. Not sleep with them.

I have already spoken to a support worker with the student union who has been very kind. She was a lot more shocked by the tutor's conduct than many of you seem to be.

She wants me to report it but I'm just not sure what the point is when he'll just deny it.

[Kemmo]

I work at a Uni and would ask you PLEASE report this.

This is hugely inappropriate behaviour and I am shocked by some of the responses on here.

I can assure you that if we received a report like this it would be taken very seriously.