Please can I have some help, my life has gone to shit and I don't know what to do next

[hotcrosbum2]

Dh and I have got a lot of problems, we have done from the start really. I am sorry if this is long.

I don't really know where to start. Together just over three years and married for two, I have an older ds from a previous relationship. Dh is a few years younger than me, he's late 20s I am early 30s. I am pregnant with our first child together.

i'l try and keep it as short as possible. When I met him he was a mature student, i.e layabout, he didn't work even though he had lots of time to. He graduated shortly after we moved in together and got an office job as the degree he did was very general and in media, jobs are scant and most are work for free things. So that pissed him off and I know he resents me for it, even though he says he loves his job now.

Our sex life has always been crap. He used to watch a lot of porn from a very young age, which has given him totally unrealistic views on sex, i.e I would give him oral sex, nothing in return for me at all and he'd be asking if I'd enjoyed that. And that would be it for sex for the week.

At first I didn't speak up, I lost all my confidence in splitting from my previous husband, but I thought if I persevered and told/showed him what I liked things would slowly changed, but they haven't. I feel so unwanted and undesired.

He has only ever seen me naked a handful of times - he's just not interested. He never looks at my body, never touches me. I am not allowed to initiate sex, he says it put him under pressure. So we only have sex when he wants to, about every 10 days or so, and how he wants to, i.e it's all about him. When he does touch me, he does it so roughly, and looks bored - most of the time he's touching me he's looking at the TV. So sex is often very painful for me as there is little to no foreplay. I have sex with him as I am desperate for some kind of connection with him.

He makes me feel awful about myself, he criticises every thing I do and I have no self esteem. He loses his temper over the slightest thing and my stomach is constantly in knots wondering what the next thing will be, and trying to head things off, i.e the cats meowing too much at him, or getting up early to check the kitchen just incase the cats have been at a binbag or something.

Last night I finally broached the subject of sex with him. I said we need to sort this out before the baby arrives. I told him he has unrealistic views and he agreed , but got angry at me, said sex wasn't his interest and it was a chore to do it to keep me happy. Then he got angy at me and has ignored me. This morning he said he's angry at me. Thats all he said, he didn't utter a word.

He also does practically nothing around the house, despite saying he does. I am having a very uncomfotale and complicated pregnancy but I am doing everything. He says he works, so he shouldn't have to do anything in the house. Last night I got the classic 'I go to work all day while you just sit on your arse".

So now he's turned everything around again to make out like he is the injured party.

I don't know if I can take much more.

I can't leave - our names are both on the rental agreement until october. I went to the council yesterday and they told me I couldn't claim housing benefit while the property is still in both names. I called the agent who said they won't amend contracts and that the LLs insurance isn't covered for HB anyway so she would serve notice. It's nigh on impossible here to find anyone who will accept HB anyway, we were on partial HB a while back - to took us a year to find a LL who would take it. He wouldn't move out anyway as he pays the rent, he sees this as his house, not mine.

I don't want to disrupt my ds either and his dad is an arse, if I am not in a stable home, he will try and take him away.

I am so lonely and hurt. I have no one btw, no family and no friends at all, no one to help me or even to talk to.

[Blueuggboots]

Wow. I don't know what to say to you on a practical note, but generally, this situation sounds awful for you.

He sounds like an absolute twunt!

Hoping someone comes along with practical advice. I want to say LTB!!!

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Citizens' Advice. And Women's Aid.

You can't stay like this honey, and there has to be a way out of your rental contract. Speak about it to the services that are there to help you.

[peasandlove]

you poor thing that sounds dire. No advice here either unfortunately but wanted to offer my support anyway

[struggling100]

Seriously, what on earth do you get out of this? This guy is NO GOOD. You need an exit strategy.

I know that sounds really brutal, and that right now you're depressed, fed up and at the end of your tether. But you need to start planning how you are going to get out of there into a new place. October is too far away - you need a plan now. Can you start by going to Citizens' Advice and perhaps to refuge charities in your area and see what they say in terms of you getting a new place to live on your own? If you could find a decent landlord, then you could get housing benefit and start a new life by yourself. It will take hard work and research but you can do it! It is better for your DS to undergo that minor disruption than to see you unhappy.

[EirikurNoromaour]

Wow. He's horrible and you must leave him, but how?
For one thing, you CAN get housing benefit if he moves out. You wouldn't be able to renew in October but you could claim until them, if you got him to leave.
Secondly, you can leave this flat if he won't, but you will have to be sure that he will pay the rent.
He is emotionally abusive - has he ever been violent to people or property, or threatened violence? If so, please speak to women's aid about applying for a court order to get him out. In fact speak to them anyway, he's abusive, and that's what they are there for.
Your last option is to stay put but end your relationship. Separate finances, daily life (meals etc) and try to emotionally cut off from him. It won't be easy but it might be your only choice. Then you don't renew the tenancy in October and throw yourself on the mercy of the council when you need housed.

[hotcrosbum2]

I posted about him on here a while back, under another name.

it was when ds was at his fathers house for two weeks. h got drunk and started the usual diatribe of what a horrible person I am, all the things that are wrong with me. I got up, got in the car to leave......and went no where. Because where does a six month pregnant woman with no money, no family and no friends go to at midnight? So I ant back inside. Only for him to have a go at me about storming off like a child. I was genuinely scared. I wasn't storming off. I thought I felt as low as I ever had sitting in that freezing car with no where to go, but I feel a million times worse today.

He turns everything around to him all the time.

It also kills me every time ds goes away to his dads. I can't imagine the same with this baby, not even to be able to be a proper full time mum from the beginning.

[hotcrosbum2]

But the council told me I couldn't claim while it's a joint tenancy as he is liable for half of it.I even made the poor guy go and check twice.

[hotcrosbum2]

It's hard to separate finances. We live in an expensive part of the county, his entire monthly wage is the rent.

[HoneyandRum]

I don't know what the answer is hotcrosbum but there WILL be one. Don't give up, there has to be a way to get away from him. Have you called Women's Aid today yet, which part of the country are you living in?

[EirikurNoromaour]

It's joint and several, so you are both liable for all of it iyswim. As a LP with one child you would be entitled to a sum up to the lha 2 bed rate. If he's moved out then you are liable for all of it (but he also remains liable if you don't pay)
Unless there has been a change to the rules recently, this is incorrect. I claim Hb despite XH being on the tenancy, because he lives elsewhere.

[Handywoman]

At this point I would seriously consider a refuge. For more info do call Womens Aid. Please tell your midwife about things at home and with your exP. You are very vulnerable and there are services to help you.

[hotcrosbum2]

I can't go into a refuge. I'd lose my son to my ex. TBH, he's 11, the choice between a refuge and hid fathers comfortable house, he'd choose to go. I can't lose him.

[EirikurNoromaour]

Why do you think you would lose your son?

[Jan45]

You would not lose your son, you need to contact Women's Aid, they are there to help people in your situation. This man is abusive, of course you need to get out, for your sake, and your children.

[cwtchability]

Hi OP, so sorry to hear about your situation; you feel stuck, but there is always a way out. I think you have been misadvised about your housing situation; I was in the same boat a couple of years ago and was awarded housing benefit before my ex's name was taken off the tenancy, I just had to provide proof that he lived elsewhere.

Please give Shelter a call on 0808 800 4444. You will speak to a specialist housing adviser, rather than at Citizen's Advice, where you will probably speak to a volunteer as your first point of contact with a little knowledge about every subject.

[hotcrosbum2]

I'd lose my son because my ex would go batshit if he knew I was in a refuge because my husband is an arsehole.

And like I said, my son is 11. His dad is rich and had a huge comfortable home. When I was 11, I know what is have chosen to do.

[hotcrosbum2]

I'm 34 years old for gods sake. Penniless, no chane of finding a job (exh was abusive too, I wasn't allowed to work, so haven't worked since I was a temp when I was 19) and pregnant again.

I didn't expect my life to turn out like this, I went to an amazing school and I could have done so much with my life. I could kick myself.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

I understand your feelings of revolt. And helplessness.

However, you do not need to give in to them. There are steps you can take to get yourself and your DC free from the clutches of abusive men, if you want to take them. No, it won't be easy or straightforward. I'm sorry about that.

[peasandlove]

you can still do amazing things with your life. You just need to sort out what's happening right now first . When you say 'no family' - are you out of contact with them, or do you literally not have any?

[Hotcrosbum2]

No family at all. Only child, my mother died when I was small and my dad is in his 80s and has dementia. My mum was an only child too and my dads sistr died 20 years ago.

He came home last night, tail between his legs.

He's on the sofa for now. I said I wanted to talk at the weekend and he has to listen or we are over.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Talk to him, certainly.

And talk to Citizens' Advice and Women's Aid, too. Knowledge is power.

[gamerchick]

Are you and your ex on friendly terms? Would he halo you maybe?

Stop having see with him.. its destroying the little bit of you you have left.

In your position I would sit back and take stock... If you're wanting to leave then start to prepare. Concentrate on yourself and your bairn and leave him to sort himself out.. don't engage with his bull suit... leave the room when he starts if you have to. Do things in little bits and they'll all add up... even if it's just to start saving so you can escape.

[gamerchick]

*sex

[Cerisier]

Do you get on well with your ex PIL? Could you ask them for advice perhaps? If you and your ex get on fairly amicably perhaps you could stay there for a bit while you get organised.

[hotcrosbum2]

DH is his parents golden boy. He can do no wrong in their eyes. They are nice people, we get on well enough, but blood being thicker than water and all that, I don't think they would be much help to me.

As for sex - well, dh rarely wants to anyway, I think he'd be happy never to have sex with me again, so thats no issue. It's me who wants se, not him.

As for my ex (ds dad) god no, the man hates me. He constantly makes my life harder than it should be re access arragnemts, money etc. He'd bloody love it if he knew what was going on, he always told me I was worthless, m life would end up horrible, I'd be nothing etc. He'd have a field day over this. His parents were pretty toxic to and continue to be, they say awful things to ds about me that really upset him when he visits.