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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Would this be a red flag?

36 replies

LondonNicki · 10/01/2014 22:05

I'm newly dating someone who was in a toxic relationship for 13 years...she was an alcoholic and didn't show him any affection. He suffered the expected anger of an alcoholics spouse..... He admitted he struck her. First said it was once, then admitted it was twice. (Does that mean it was more times I wonder). He is ashamed and mortified by it and genuinely comes across as a mild mannered man.
But it doesn't sit well with me obviously. I'm not involved enough to have feelings for this man. Would you walk away at this point....? Have you been in this situation?

OP posts:

Report

hermionepotter · 10/01/2014 22:06

yes, walk away. why take the risk

Diagonally · 10/01/2014 22:10

I'd run tbh

There's baggage and then there's "baggage"

Pan · 10/01/2014 22:13

Off you go and don't look back or think at all it's specific to that situation. Violence is a tool he accesses when need arises.

WhoNickedMyName · 10/01/2014 22:14

Why would you choose this man, when there's so many men out there who don't hit their partner? Are you really desperate or something?

LondonNicki · 10/01/2014 22:17

No, not desperate, just thought he seemed like a nice person but of course I'm not a fool so ...it's that thing - if they do it once (or twice) are there ever extenuating circumstances? But of course I know you are right..

OP posts:

Bant · 10/01/2014 22:18

It's a big red flag. Firstly you don't know whether she was actually an alcoholic or whether he's just making excuses. Secondly he hit her. Thirdly he hit her. Fourthly he hit her more than once. Fifthly he lied about how many times he hit her. Sixthly he hit her.

It's possible he acted ashamed and mortified to her after the first and second times he hit her too, and she was with him for 13 years because he was usually such a mild mannered man.

You can't know the details of what actually really happened in a relationship in the past, but if I were you, I'd move on.

clara26 · 10/01/2014 22:20

I would always say that if you are in any doubt and you have no feelings then walk away. Better to do it now.

LondonNicki · 10/01/2014 22:21

Thanks all. I just needed to hear it :-) onwards !

OP posts:

coppertop · 10/01/2014 22:22

Being ashamed and mortified didn't stop him from hitting her a second time, did it?

Walk away.

flipflop21 · 10/01/2014 22:24

There are never extenuating circumstances. He's warned you what he's capable of.

JeanSeberg · 10/01/2014 22:25

Why did he feel the need to tell you all this so soon?

MoonshineWashingLine · 10/01/2014 22:27

My very good friend's mother is a recovering alcoholic (who was above and beyond challenging when she was drinking) and her DH has supported her the whole way through the incredibly stressful journey. He has never and would never in a million years hit her. Run run run run run!

LondonNicki · 10/01/2014 22:32

I know JS, that was a bit weird too I thought, why didn't he 'hide' it. I wonder in case he was afraid it would come out later because she has threatened to him she would accuse him of being a wife beater maybe he was getting his excuses in first. God, it sounds so awful now I'm putting it in print...
I am a very rational normal independent person believe me! This is not anything I would ever ever think ok in any scenario...and coppertop you are so right, his shame didn't stop him the second time.

I guess I like to see good in people but it would just be foolish of me to ignore this. I really appreciate the reality check guys xx

OP posts:

CCTVmum · 10/01/2014 22:34

Once may have been a mistake. What was his excuse for the second time?

I just said on other thread 'listen to your gut!'

The fact you are asking on here is a red flag!

Step out of your situation and try and read this thread as if a stranger posted it LN. What would you advise that woman in her new reltionship?

LondonNicki · 10/01/2014 22:38

Thanks cctvmum. I know I'd tell her to head for the hills.....!!!!!

OP posts:

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 10/01/2014 22:39

I have 3 aunts all of whom are recovering alcoholics. Their husband have, remarkably, stood by them through years of addiction and all the contingent outrageous behaviour. However, not once did they hit their wives. If he is trying to pin this on his ex's alcoholism then I would be very circumspect about pursuing a relationship with him.

CCTVmum · 10/01/2014 22:45

Well done LN! Listen to your advise!

hear hear IBE!

You need to get savy on red flags LN. Their was a thread on red flags you could search for it.

To me too it sounds like he is putting all his behaviour on the ex! No excuse for this behaviour. It will come to you LN...it takes time ( took me a few years!)

LondonNicki · 10/01/2014 22:50

I know CCTV, no matter what difficult situations we find ourselves in, we observe a personal moral code right? We've all gone through challenging times but I guess if you are fundamentally non violent you will always be...and if you have those tendencies then it will manifest itself whatever the stress (alcoholic wife, grief, redundancy etc)
It's either in you or it's not I reckon....

OP posts:

Lweji · 10/01/2014 22:52

Red flag: he told you he did it.

Red flag: he did it once.

Huge red flag: he did it twice.

DEFCON 1 (actually the worst): he admitted to doing it twice.

LondonNicki · 10/01/2014 22:52

and thanks IBE, that's a really good point !

OP posts:

Back2Two · 10/01/2014 22:54

I'd walk away. Or run.

CCTVmum · 10/01/2014 22:57

Yes NC your right! A trigger caused the violent behaviour. What next trigger will he use as his excuse to make it ok?

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CCTVmum · 10/01/2014 23:00

NC it is like he is trying to get you onside before hand to test the water...so when you are next to experience his temper he can blame your PMT/tipsy/migrane or whatever you have to trigger it in him!
Have you done the waitress test?

DustBunnyFarmer · 10/01/2014 23:03

He's warned you what he's capable of.

This ^. Someone paraphrased a Maya Angelou quote on another thread recently: if someone shows you who they are, believe them. Probably testing your boundaries and - should you be unwise enough to start a relationship & he goes on to hit, no doubt he'd be saying "you knew what I was capable of, I told you when we first started going out." Run away! Fast!

CailinDana · 10/01/2014 23:04

I don't think the hitting is actually the biggest red flag, it's the fact he told you this very early on in the relationship. IME people who speak badly of their exes to new partners especially without being asked are bad news. To go one step further and say he hit her twice and it was basically her fault is really bad news. He is sending you a clear message that if you behave "badly" enough you will "drive" him to the same reaction.

Flip

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