Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Have you left and been happier?(60 Posts)
Things are not good with DH and I. In fact they are awful.
I am finally seeing things for what they are.
It's a really horrible environment for me, and the children.
He is lazy, difficult, rude, verbally aggressive and he does nothing really to help me.
I am 90% sure that I need to leave, but I am terrified of making the wrong decision.
I keep being told by those around me how difficult leaving will be. The financial implications, the impact on the children, the reality of being a single parent, etc.
It will be messy and hideous.
I suppose I'm looking for some positive stories from people who have left, to help me with my decision. I have a step daughter full time who I will miss terribly if I go, it will mess up her whole life and I will miss DH but I can't see an alternative - these must be factors in most seperations so was leaving worthwhile?
Not sure if I make sense, my head is not very clear at the moment.
lazy, difficult, rude, verbally aggressive..exactly the same as my ExH. Yes, I did leave and was a whole lot happier without his shouting, noise, aggression and ignorance, which impacted on my DCs too.
The best thing after Id got rid (with great difficulty) was having a peaceful home again, being able to have friends round again (I didnt whilst with him, in case he threw one of his ignorant shouting fits in their presence). Just, getting on with life with my DCs without noise and anxiety around me. Taking up my hobbies again. Going to work not feeling depressed about my home life. Life is so much better without an emotional abuser in it. Got loads of verbal abuse and threats when we finished, which then changed to long drivelling emails about me being the love of his life, he's a changed man, blah blah blah..I didnt fall for the crap though. He was just angry that Id ended the relationship and would have taken his anger out on me for doing so, if Id foolishly gone back to him. He still emails from time to time..more fool him for wasting his time, I wouldnt look at him again much less reply.
Ive been with my lovely current OH for 4 years now, despite feeling Id never meet, or want to meet, another man again. My DCs love him to bits, he treats them as if theyre his own. He was shocked when I eventually told him what Id been through with ExH. He's the complete opposite to that bullying idiot I wasted too much time with. I wouldnt have met him if Id continued to let ExH blight my life.
Dont waste your good years on a man who isnt worth it. Even being alone is better than that..the prospect of staying with such a man and in time to come looking back down the years with regret at the unhappy life you led with him, is an awful option for any woman. You never get time back. But I think you know this, OP. You sound like a very sensible woman. Good luck with all..going through the breakup will be horrible but as you can see from the thread, we're all so much better for it
I left. It has been hard. I hit the bottom. But my girls and I are much happier now. It's a very difficult decision. But you can't regret it. Lok forward and suddenly the future appears and you wonder why you put up with the downs for so long. Suddenly you can do what you like. The kids are happy and the worries go. I know longer feel obliged to do the chores. I have more patience for the kids and enjoy life.
Look forward not back.
Meerka the 8yo isn't the OP's daughter it's her stepdaughter.
Nothing you can do for her OP (except possibly refer to SS??) but I hope to god that someone is looking out for her.
Another yes here I left five months ago now, after driving myself insane with shall I shan't I, worrying about the future I finally got on with it, a few events pushed me to the final decision and since I have found out that he sold me an entire lie from the word go it's hard, but I feel more like me than I ever did during our marriage. I am on my own with dcs now, I have no home and am living with relatives,I am looking for work and have more issues to worry about now but I am happier. Good luck
Thank you to both of you.
That's just it, meerka. I feel like I have reached my tipping point now and even if I hadn't - I can't be with a man who treats the children like this. I will be devastated to leave my step daughter as I have looked after her full time for nearly 4 years but I can't let her think it is acceptable to be treated like this, and I don't want DS to think it is ok to treat his partners like this either.
* Stop bothering about what makes him tick and start looking after you.*
and your children. this has got to be dreadful for them. Your poor 8 year old :/
I don't think there is anything you can say: my ex had a similar disconnection with reality, would "not remember" vile things he had done so accused me of making it up, and always blamed everyone except himself for his behaviour. He would behave absolutely appallingly and then just get up the next day and pretend nothing whatsoever had happened.
It's very difficult to accept that you are dealing with someone who is essentially insane. I spent years attempting to have proper conversations, trying to work out why he was so unreasonable, tryng to make him understand that he was the one with a skewed view of things, but it will never change anything. All you will achieve is more grief for you and your dcs and more erosion of your self. Stop bothering about what makes him tick and start looking after you.
Things have reached crisis point here. I'm not sure how much more I can take. I think he is bordering on being mentally unwell - his thought processes are so skewed. He sent DSD to her room yesterday because she asked me how long a the pantomime we saw went on for - he had already told her so felt that it was a 'personal attack' she is 8 and was hysterical.
He has still not dropped the issue and is still telling her she is disloyal and disrespectful now.
His mother made a joke about him paying for the ice creams at half time and cobwebs in his wallet and he completely freaked out - I told him it was a shame that he had to get so angry at an obvious joke when it should have been a nice evening and he said I humiliated him, made him out to be nuts and was a psychopath and very manipulative.
His outbursts, anger and over sensitivity is getting out of hand. He was so angry with me he squared up to me in the street - as he was speaking with such venom it was spraying in my face and was in front of everybody.
I spoke to him this morning about it - I was so upset yesterday - his treatment of me is one thing but him subjecting the children to it is just unacceptable - I went to a friends for he evening and he was left alone.
When we spoke this morning he made it clear that he feels that I am completely in the wrong.
It sounds stupid but he is so constantly telling me that I am the one who is wrong - I am always called manipulative, crazy, a psycho and overly dramatic - I can't tell anymore whether I am in the wrong or not.
MIl is having the children tonight so we can talk properly but I don't know what to say to him - I need to get accross that I really am genuinely concerned for him and that his behaviour is totally unacceptable but I know he will turn it all around and make out like I am nuts.
I have reached my limit but feel so guilty.
I am definitely happier once I made him leave.
I had forgotten who I was. I was so cowed. I found myself asking permission to open the back door. In I house I pay the mortgage on. Now he's gone it's like waking up from a coma. Remembering who I used to be. Not living in fear of having every little decision, however mundane, questioned and challenged until you think your judgement doesn't work any more.
"one wild, precious life" is my new favourite phrase. it is precious. If someone is not treating you like you are precious, get rid.
I left a month ago, here's my thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1887823-Please-tell-me-is-this-as-bad-as-I-think?msgid=43609438
Over two years out the other side - two years that have been so tough, very upset child and stepkids - but now I find myself financially better off, running my lovely new home the way I want and living life for real with lovely new partner who gives me space.
Ironically, ex and I, we are now civil to the point of friendly, where I can now see the nice traits re emerging in him that I once fell for. And he is envious of the lifestyle I now have that I so desperately wanted him to share with us as a family. But he wouldn't budge. So desperate was his need to control me.
And still I don't want him back. I am happy that we are over the worst of it, prioritising our child and will be friends long term, he is not all bad but I still don't want him. I am much happier and he is kicking himself at what could have been. I take little pleasure in that, I just feel sorry for him.
Best move I made. Extremely stressful but worth it.
Finally told my husband in Jan 2011 I wanted to split up after three years of wanting to. Took so much courage to do it, but I can honestly say I have never regretted the decision, not once. He was a lazy selfish husband and father and I fell out of love with him. We went to relate twice during our marriage, but in the end it couldn't be saved. For a period of time after we split I thought he might be changing, for the good of our son, but he has eventually reverted to type.
I am such a different person now to how I was, I realise I spent years with such low self esteem because of the way he treated me. There is no denying it has been hard at times, and still is in lots of ways, but what I had dreaded was financial difficulties and that's actually been ok. What has been difficult is the effect on DS, who took it harder than expected. Having said all that, I believe DS is much better off with two parents who aren't in a corrosive, loveless marriage, and I know I certainly am.
Only you can make the decision, but just remember that life is too short to be unhappy. And you certainly sound it. Everyone deserves happiness.
Good luck. You are stronger than you think.
I got out about 3 years ago, was hardest decision of my life, we have 4 dc, like u I worried about money, being a single parent, how I would cope.
best thing I ever did, my child r happier than ever.
dont get me wrong it wasnt easy, few times I had wobbles and thought I should go bak, I kept strong for sake of kids.
now mummys happy they r much happier.
if ud wanna chat/need a shoulder pm me x
YY - it's nearly a year for me too.
An entire year without at least a week of moodiness being inflicted upon us all in the run up to every family celebration - birthdays, Easter, summer holiday. Right now if I was still with XP we would be starting to be inflicted with the Xmas 'mood/grumpiness' - for no reasons at all, other than that is how he choose to act.
I would have had a month of "I'm in debt - pay this debt for me or else I will be a fucking nightmare forever" at some point in the year.
These are in addition to the endless and erratic "I'm fucked off/angry/going to get abusive because you said something in the wrong tone to me" moments that could last for a week at a time or more.
Oh yes Fairy - I am happy after whole year without this draining aggro. I'm still working me out, myself out - that is a work in progress, but happy to be freed from the moody aggressive head fuck of living with XP - yes indeed!!!
The thing that cracked it for me was realizing I didn't have to figure him out!!!! HE CHOOSES TO BE LIKE THIS! The only mystery for me was why I was still with him!
Once I got there in my head, the rest was a piece of cake. I'm not saying life is perfect - I'm still tired etc. But no more tired that most Mum's of young children.
This: *Being a parent is hard. Being SP without moody shouty unsupportive deadweight is a piece of cake."
I left one year ago today and it's bloody great. Nobody spent any of my money today on amplifiers whilst begrudging me a lunch out with a friend, nobody has moaned that I haven't done all the washing up (despite the fact that I've been working all day and they don't work at all, or indeed do any washing up) or shout and swear at me in front of DS for not putting said child in the bath in the exact way prescribed by them.
Oh god yes...
My situation is different in that eventually I made him leave. Long story.
Anyway, the result was better relationships with dcs and no longer doubting that I was at fault really in our relationship (I am human!)
I won't lie, it was very difficult at first, but I look back now and wonder why on earth I tried to keep things going for so long,
I'm 2 and a half years on, BTW. The first bit was bloody difficult, but so worth it.
I left. I agonised over it for years. It was the best thing I ever (eventually) did, my life is now brilliant yours will be too without someone who is lazy, difficult, rude, verbally aggressive and ... does nothing really to help. How could it not be? x
Yes yes yes.
I got P to leave. I stayed too long willing him to change and be the man he was 70% of the time 100% of the time.
The DC and I have been much happier. It was the right thing to do.
You think being SP will be so hard, it's a cliche in so many ways. Being a parent is hard. Being SP without moody shouty unsupportive deadweight is a piece of cake.
My seperation made me miserable, depressed and everything in between. I questioned everything about myself. After 10 months, I cannot believe how far I've come. I may be lonely, but I'm one heck of a strong independent woman.
I posted the other day that my ex has been sniffing around and I got drawn in a bit. But having not seen him for a week I go back to my strong self.
I'm nervous about life, but excited about what it holds for me.
Being with my ex would be me compromising on potential happiness with someone who has never hurt or betrayed me. In life you have no dress rehearsal so never settle xx
It's a funny thing. I've noticed that the people around you will say 'stay, stay, stay for the children, the finance and everythign else will be so hard' to someone deciding to separate.
But if you listen to the people who have actually left the unpleasant OH themselves, they generally say they are a lot happier.
I think so.
Have been on my own for 4 months. Everyday I feel sad, hurt angry and guilty. The first three because his emotional neglect of me for several years and particularly during my last pregnancy wounded me deeply. Guilty because I worry everyday that my kids are being affected by it, guilty because our toddler will never know his parents together.
But better I suppose because I no longer expect him to offer me support and interest and conversation and then feel hugely disappointed, let down and worthless because he can't do it.
I just have to believe it will get better.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.