Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

As its nearly Xmas I'm tempted to send my ex a parcel with all his pathetic gifts back...

(36 Posts)
Scarletohello Mon 18-Nov-13 01:40:44

Should I?

They were nothing special. A watch he got on eBay, a cigarette case, some leopard print leggings ( that I have never worn, yuk) and a stupid mug with hearts on and chocolates inside ( never ate the chocolates, and it was last December...)

I broke up with him Jan 1st as he was a lying cheating bastard but have found it really hard to move on. I want to send his presents back and say to him I'm sending them back as I don't want any reminders of him in my life. I also want to send him a long letter telling him all the things I still feel the need to say to him that keep going round my head, especially late at night. I asked him if he would meet me for a completion conversation in August but he said it was ' too soon' ( translate, he was too much of a coward to face me) so I've never had the opportunity to day what I needed to to his face so writing a letter is all I've got. I know it's mean doing it at Xmas time but I think it might help me finally let go... What do people think?

Walkacrossthesand Mon 18-Nov-13 01:44:53

Wouldn't it be better to throw the unwanted presents out ( a charity shop might be glad of them) and write a long letter which you don't send? Why stir it all up nearly a year later - you're not going to get answers/an apology/whatever you're looking for from him, better to process your anger separately and put it all behind you.

glastocat Mon 18-Nov-13 01:47:51

Write him a letter, don't post it, have a nice bonfire burning it and his crappy gifts.

brokenhearted55a Mon 18-Nov-13 01:51:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadLad Mon 18-Nov-13 01:56:03

Arse though he has been, that seems a childish gesture to me. Don't waste the postage money, and let go by binning them and not contacting him again. I know that's easier said than done.

It's not surprising that he didn't turn up for a completion conversation. Why would anyone turn up just to hear what someone who hated them thought of them? By trying to set this sort of thing up, you are letting him know that he still gets to you.

Time to look forwards, not to the past.

Scarletohello Mon 18-Nov-13 02:09:19

It probably is childish but I feel so impotent, it's all I've got. And maybe it might make me feel better ( for at least a minute ...)

Annakin31 Mon 18-Nov-13 02:09:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scarletohello Mon 18-Nov-13 02:14:53

So I guess my other idea of sending them back all stamped on and broken would be even more childish then..??

BadLad Mon 18-Nov-13 02:28:01

That would be about the same. Why bother with the expense of packing them up and posting them? Get your satisfaction from binning them, and imagine that it's him going in the bin with them, then just feel relief that you don't have that "lying, cheating bastard" in your life any more.

As the last person said, it will only lead to him being able to tell his friends in the pub about it. Cue laughter, and agreement about what a mental ex he has, and how he is well-shot of you. It certainly won't lead to any soul-searching on his part. He probably won't react to it, and you will be dying to know what he did think when he opened it, to the point where you might even be tempted to contact him again.

You say you are finding it hard to move on. So make a start by throwing the crap away and not wasting any further thought on him.

Scarletohello Mon 18-Nov-13 02:32:33

Problem is, as well as being a lying cheating bastard, he was also a gorgeous, funny, caring, warm hearted loving man and I had the best sex I've ever had in my life. Didn't want to end it but had to. Had no desire to meet anyone else, had a few half hearted flings but met no one who compared to him. I know I should be over it by now but I'm just not...

BadLad Mon 18-Nov-13 02:51:14

Those feelings are all quite understandable. It's very rare indeed not to have any regrets after breaking up a relationship, no matter what the reason.

If you bin the presents, then once the dustbin men have collected them, that's the end of it. Send them back and you will wondering what he thought when he opens them, and if you don't find out, then you will be very tempted to contact him, and move backwards in the getting over him process.

So instead of that, spend time on things that aren't about him. Put more time into your hobbies, call some friends and go somewhere that you wouldn't have gone with him. If you have the money, buy something that you have been umming and arring about for a while.

There's no "should be over it by now". No two people are the same, nor any two relationships.

BadLad Mon 18-Nov-13 02:59:12

Posted too soon.

So just take as long as you need to get over it, don't worry about not meeting some deadline by which you should have moved on.

How about using them as booby prizes in some competition, or, if you have a friend with an air rifle, donating them as target practice.

Scarletohello Mon 18-Nov-13 03:05:08

It's funny, had some friends round for dinner last week and they wanted to eat the chocolates but I wouldn't let them! WTF is wrong with me..?

Robfordscrack Mon 18-Nov-13 03:05:37

No No and no again.

Longdistance Mon 18-Nov-13 03:26:27

No, don't waste your energy posting the crap to him. Either have a burning ceremony, or chuck it in the bin screaming 'FUCK YOU!' Whilst doing it.

I used to do this with ex boyfriends things. It's rather liberating.

wanderings Mon 18-Nov-13 12:36:36

If you send the items back to him, there is a danger they might reappear at your front door - and him with them. Sending them back to him could be an unintended "invitation" for him to reappear.

If he was generally a meanie with gifts, when he receives them back, the first thing he'll think of will be what he spent on them (true, not much!). He might then think of revenge, and he'll then have motives to contact you.

Many years ago I remember a friend who suddenly decided to have no more to do with me... and returned to me a (thoughtfully chosen) gift I had given him.

Words cannot describe how offended I was by this. What did I do? I sent the item back to the ex-friend again! And then there was further conflict, which I think he would have preferred to avoid.

If you bin the items, or take them to a charity shop out of your own town, you can at least be sure they won't find their way back to you, or that he might try to stalk you or something else. Non-communication is probably the best way to go.

wanderings Mon 18-Nov-13 12:37:51

However, if you still have any of his possessions, as opposed to gifts, then certainly send those back!

BitOutOfPractice Mon 18-Nov-13 12:46:05

Do what I did. Sell what's worth selling on ebay (I'm £440+ richer!) and smash the rest of the crap stuff into smithereens

Don't send them back. That will only send hi the message "Aww she's still not over me. She still loves me". Really. That's what he'll think

MinesAPintOfTea Mon 18-Nov-13 12:47:08

Do you have a garden? I'd do a little ceremonial burning of anything safe to burn along with a good long letter to mark your moving on from him. Obviously will have to bin most, but seeing something going up in smoke might be more satisfying than wondering if he will respond.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 18-Nov-13 12:49:15

And justto add, you poor thing. It's a horrible feeling. I split with my lying cheating ex on 8th Jan and not spoken to him since. It's nearly killed me sometimes. I've wanted to talkto him and ask him a million questions. But don't do it. You will not get honest answers to your questions. And even if you did they will only hurt you and not change anything.

I know it's hard but try not to contact him

Holdthepage Mon 18-Nov-13 12:51:25

Write the letter, then burn it & move on. It sounds as though you want to send the gifts & letter to him so he will get in touch. You are just prolonging the agony. You will meet someone else but you have to move on emotionally first.

Tuhlulah Mon 18-Nov-13 12:58:12

Sending them back in November will show that you have cherished them since January.

Too soon to talk in August? What tosh.

I agree with previous posters who have said -write the letter and then burn the lot, leggings included. You might find cutting it into little pieces satisfying.

Then try to move on, and be nice to yourself. You are obviously still upset about losing him, irrespective of his poor choice in leg wear. I sympathise totally. You cannot choose whom you fall in love with. But he will just use your letter as a notch on his belt down the pub. And think what a lucky escape he had.

Hold your head high and try to forget him. He is a coward, isn't he, too scared/immature to see you 8 months after the event, and too scared just to tell you he doesn't want to see you again. Just saying 'too soon' implies he cannot cope with the sadness of seeing you, when he probably just can't face you because it's uncomfortable, embarrassing, shaming, etc.

You ask, 'WTF is wrong with me?' You are sad and upset, and we cannot impose a timetable on recovery. You may feel like this for years. I hope not.

CrumblyMumbly Mon 18-Nov-13 13:12:08

Give it all to a charity shop (maybe not old chocs!) - not as satisfying as a bonfire but rewarding still... This horrible year is nearly over for you - write a letter saying all you want to say to the loser then burn it and think what a lucky escape you had. You deserve better, be nice to yourself and don't give him any pleasure by letting him know you are still thinking about him. Happiness is the best revenge smile

TorchesTorches Mon 18-Nov-13 13:40:49

An ex once sent me back things i had bought him. He thought it was a big gesture of great significance, i just thought he was a bit of a loser. Don't send them back.

Scarletohello Mon 18-Nov-13 13:59:21

Well the concensus seems to be not to send them back. Guess you are all probably right. Still want to tho. But what would it achieve? Just want to force him to think about me and make him feel a bit shit. Not very nice motives really.

I don't feel I have has proper closure as I ended it by email and so never got the answers I wanted about why he behaved how he did, made promises about us having a Future together when he never really meant it. Did he ever really love me etc. So hard to let go...sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now