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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can you help me support DD who is in an abusive marriage.

32 replies

DowntonTrout · 17/11/2013 10:04

She has told me that her DH has hit and kicked her, also that he is forcing himself on her. They have a small baby and have not been married long. She is very isolated as they are living a plane journey away with no family anywhere near, she does not drive. They are struggling with the baby not sleeping etc etc.

The other side of this is that we have a very difficult relationship with DD. I have talked about it before. She has been a very troubled teen and is hugely manipulative, attention seeking and is a very difficult person to be around. Since she ran off to get married at 18 to her DH, who she had known for 4 months, I have feared that something like this would happen, and now they have the baby, she is stuck.

All advice at the time was, stand back, let her make her mistakes and hope that this is the making of her. She was/is an adult. So we have done that but here we are. I do not know if what she tells me is the truth. I know that she is unhappy, they have no money, life isn't what she expected. She came home for a few days with baby and of course, was centre of attention, had everything done for her and has been angling to come back here ever since. The grass is greener here.

So, despite these misgivings and knowing her as I do, I know that it is never right that he hits her even though she says she slaps him first. I have also stated very clearly that no means no and that if he is pinning her down and that she is sobbing and trying to hold on to her knickers as she says, then that is attempted/ rape, married or not. I have told her that if it happens again or that if she is afraid she must report it. I said she must confide in her GP/health visitor/ the welfare officer anyway. The issues DD has are complex but violence or abuse is not acceptable, ever. How do I help and support her without racing in to save her- which I have done far too much of in the past and which has only served to teach her that drama=attention.

OP posts:

Report

CailinDana · 17/11/2013 10:12

I don't know where to start. Do you even like your DD?

jetsetlil · 17/11/2013 10:14

I think I remember your previous thread - was it on the teenagers forum? So Sorry to hear what she is going through and what she is also still putting you through. no helpful advice I'm afraid but someone will be along soon I am sure ..hugs

MinesAPintOfTea · 17/11/2013 10:15

I think that given the difficulties she has the best you can do is tell her that (if you can afford it) you will always be ready to buy her a one-way ticket for herself and DC back to you and put her up whilst she gets back on her feet.

And tell her that if she's hitting him as well as him hitting her then they will both equally have the book thrown at them. I'd be inclined to suggest that maybe you should be ringing the local to them HV team/SS because that's a dreadful environment for a baby to be in and the baby is the only one in the family who is not able to make their own choices.

jetsetlil · 17/11/2013 10:16

CallinDana - If this is who I think there is a huge, huge back story

coffeeandcream · 17/11/2013 10:21

That's hardly relevant Calin, the OP had very clearly expressed her concerns and a feeling she should do something to help.

OP it sounds a really tough spot to be in and as you say, she needs to take responsibility to help herself and her baby by reporting the violence and unacceptable living situation. If you can't be certain what's really going on, it's hard to raise the issues on her behalf.

I'd just try to be there for her emotionally and keep advising her to seek help and suggest how and who to go to.

Hope it works out ok

SomeDizzyWhore1804 · 17/11/2013 10:21

I hope that if this was happening to me and my mum knew she would be on the phone to social services. This is no environment for a baby.

DowntonTrout · 17/11/2013 10:24

I'm sorry. It appears that way because I have tried to be relevant but brief. I love her very much. However I have made many mistakes and in constantly trying to save her, which could be seen as controlling, I have created many problems. There is years of backstory which I can't even begin to explain. She has a personality disorder and sometimes it has been very hard to like her, but as I said I do love her.

I can only deal with what is happening now and I am asking for advice about that because what she says and what is actually happening are sometimes very different. I have no way of knowing. She can come to us, if that's what she wants, but it has to be her decision to leave and I am only at the end of the phone.

OP posts:

hoboken · 17/11/2013 10:25

You mention a welfare officer... Does that mean this is an army family? There was a recent thread in which the OP returned to the UK with army welfare help when her soldier husband behaved appallingly. They were based in Germany. I think her MN name is Spottypony.

DowntonTrout · 17/11/2013 10:26

Yes, as some of you may recall, it is me. This is what I dreaded.

OP posts:

Pooka · 17/11/2013 10:28

Am I right in thinking the husband is in the forces?

She must report the abuse to the welfare officer. They will keep her safe and arrange for her to return home.

DowntonTrout · 17/11/2013 10:42

I am not going to be reporting anything. The chain of events that would set off would be catastrophic. If she calls rape, the marriage will be over, he will lose his job and their child will grow up having a rapist as a father. If he is raping her, then absolutely, that is what should happen. I am not making any excuses for that. But it has to come from her because I will not be responsible if she is crying wolf- which she has done in the past. This is my dilemma.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/11/2013 11:04

All you can say to your DD is that you are sorry she's in such a bad situation and that, whether she decides to leave or stay, you'll try to be understanding and supportive.

somethingsnotrighthere · 17/11/2013 11:07

What a dreadful situation you are in OP. I wish I had wise words and advice, but I do not. I know what you mean about the Personality Disorder attention seeking stuff.
Can you not go visit her unexpectedly and gauge the situation for yourself, ie try read her body language?

So sorry OP

DowntonTrout · 17/11/2013 11:10

Thank you cognito you are right.

I was expecting more " you should believe her no matter what" type of answers, because everyone in any sort of abusive relationship needs to be believed don't they? I wish it was black and white but it's not.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/11/2013 11:14

But you would be saying 'I believe you'. By offering support if she chose to leave (or your understanding if she chooses to stay) you'd be taking her entirely on face value. What you wouldn't be doing is rushing to intervene. Quite different.

Husbandplus3 · 17/11/2013 11:20

If her safety and the safety of the baby is in question, a report would be in order. The consequences would not be good. The possible consequences for not reporting could be worse.
Above all an open door for mother and child is excellent.

RandomMess · 17/11/2013 11:20

I remember your posts from before

I think what cogito says is right.

Do you feel it would be appropriate to offer her to come home if she needs to? It could be that she is desperately unhappy but unless there is an easy answer to leaving she will stay put. I am assuming with that comment that she isn't telling you truth - which of course she could be?

DowntonTrout · 17/11/2013 11:49

Yes. She could be telling the truth and that horrifies me. Even then, she is more than likely provoking him for a response, and harsh as that sounds, I know how she pushes buttons to get her way.

Things have come to a head as he may be going away, due to recent events- I can't say more but I think you can work that out. The first time he was away she took an overdose, thinking he would be sent home. Next time he was away she gave away his dog because she doesn't like it. When he came back he got the dog back. This is an ongoing argument between them. She threatens to leave because of dog and he chooses dog. She stays. So if he goes away she will get rid of the dog, again. He is very angry about this and she is taunting him with it when he may be going away for months. It could be pure coincidence that she is telling me now or it could be all part of the drama everytime he goes.

OP posts:

DowntonTrout · 17/11/2013 11:57

Should say that if she comes here now, he will have to rehome dog himself before he goes as there will be no one there to look after it.

OP posts:

bragmatic · 17/11/2013 12:41

Could you visit?

Halfrek · 17/11/2013 13:06

Could you offer to put her up for say a week if she chooses to come back and make arrangements to quickly mover her to a shelter? Or possibly find a flat and put up deposit and 1 months rent for her while she gets benefits sorted?

From what you have said it sounds like the baby is in danger of growing up in an abusive household. Even if she is lying about her husband do you think she will be able to parent that child effectively? Will she be an emotional abuser?

Would you be willing to raise that child if you had to?

DowntonTrout · 17/11/2013 14:33

She doesn't want me to go.

She says she is leaving, that they have agreed to split.

I don't know where to start. I do not want to be responsible for the baby. I still have an 11 yo myself. I have been a mum for 25 years and whilst I know I am a mum for life I stopped at 3 because that was enough.

Last time we set her up in a house she walked away, leaving us with £1000s of debt and a 12 month lease to pay. The emotional debts she left us with were much more. It nearly destroyed our family, my youngest was especially hard hit. I have a duty to others to consider.

I'm sorry. I knew this would happen, as soon as she was pregnant I just knew. It seems I have little faith in her, I know. She has never shown an ounce of remorse or understanding, or an ounce of common sense or learning from her mistakes. So while she can come here as a stop gap, I need to organise other options, help her with benefits, housing etc. I am so very sad that it has come to this, for her and LO.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/11/2013 14:44

That's realistic enough wanting to help her with benefits, housing and so on. You could do quite a bit of preparation and get the information together. With a bit of luck and some expert advice you may not have to be a stop gap at all and can simply facilitate her return to the UK.

Matildathecat · 17/11/2013 14:48

They sound like a pair of badly behaved children. Never condoning DV but this particular brand between very young people is difficult and dangerous. If she comes back, I would personally involve HV and SS even if and better still, if she doesn't know you reported.

I would also not be having her home on an open ended basis. She must use the resources available to find housing, organise benefits and start acting like the responsible adult her baby needs as a mother.

Heartbreaking for you but sounds like she has form for this. The person who truly needs protecting is her baby and from what you say it's by no means certain that your dd will see that as her top priority.

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but she is no longer a child. There's only so much you can do. She has to make the right decisions.

DowntonTrout · 17/11/2013 14:50

She says the welfare will not help because she is not in England but will be returning to England. Is that true? What sort of help will they usually give?

I will do my best cogito however it is likely to be different to what she expects.

OP posts:

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