AIBU to think DSS (8) should be sleeping in his own bed?

[saladcreamwitheverything]

He's eight. There's a bit of back story, DSSs mum made all sorts of accusations against my DH (all untrue). We spent 20k in legal fees to get access.
DH has had over night custody for 16 months now. DSS refuses to sleep in his own room here (which we did to his taste) saying at home he sleeps with his mum. DH asked his ex if this was true when we had him for a couple of nights in the summer holidays and she said yes. I don't know how to handle it to be honest.

[bragmatic]

Not unreasonable. A nice compromise is for his father to lay down with him until he is asleep, or almost ready to drop off.

[saladcreamwitheverything]

We've tried that. He just gets really anxious and is sick everywhere. At the moment I am on the sofa whilst DSS and DH have the bed!!!

[saladcreamwitheverything]

I know we are probably our own worst enemy but the amount of work it's taken to get us here we don't want to put him off staying over IYSWIM?

[lunar1]

He is actually sick? He must have terrible anxiety and I don't think just stopping him sleeping with his dad will help. It sounds like he needs therapy, I wouldn't change anything without professional advice.

[holidaysarenice]

I wud think therapy too.
In the interim wud a single fit beside your double?

[mynewpassion]

I agree. Medical or psychiatry help is needed instead of exasperation.

[saladcreamwitheverything]

I'm not gonna change anything, it's simply not worth the drama, CAMHS were involved, but since the courts awarded us with access, nobody seems that bothered about following things up. Lots of things don't add up. All the accusations that she made about my DH, you'd think the social services would be hammering on my door after I gave birth to our DS. I asked my midwife if I would be expecting a call from social services "just to make sure everything was alright" She phoned them when I was there. They knew nothing about it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not usual, no. But what you're describing is a very disturbed and distressed little boy and you're probably going to need professional guidance on how to help him rather than trying to wing it. If the child's mother is as hysterical as you describe, you have no idea what scare stories she's fed him to cause this level of anxiety. You may have 'won' the access battle but he sounds utterly terrified.

[wontletmesignin]

I would worry that all the accusations about your husband were actually her trying to deflect any backlash onto herself.

I maybe looking at things too deeply. But that is an incredible amount of anxiety for an 8 year old. Bless him.

As someone mentioned, she probably has fed him scare stories. Poor soul.

I hope he starts to feel at ease with you and dh very soon

[Loopyloulu]

If you are not 'gonna change anything' then what's the point in posting and asking for help

The situation is ridiculous. Of course an 8 year old shouldn't be sharing a bed with his dad and his new partner.

It's hard for you to accept but this child is an emotional manipulator. He knows the background to this and is playing to the gallery. He clearly has some deep seated issues about his dad being given access rights and if he was party to all the squabbling at the time it's no wonder he's screwed up over it all.

Your partner should be kind but firm. He should put him to bed with a ritual- bath, story, chat , as well as some kind words about how 'big boys' don't sleep with their daddy.

It may be hell for a while if he keeps getting up but the professional advice ( for all children who won't sleep alone) is not to engage in discussion at the time, but to lead them back to their room gently. You have to do this no matter how many times it happens, if necessary sitting on the landing to let them know they are not going to win.

If he gives in- even once- his son will get the message.

It's tough but both you and he have to make a stand and if necessary tell him he cannot come and stay unless he sleeps in his own room.

[RandomMess]

I would start with a mattress on the floor in your bedroom for him and work on it from there.

My dds used to share a room and it took them a while to get used to sleeping on there own and that was without having shared a bed!

[Loopyloulu]

Random I don't think that is the accepted approach these days at all. It's just another stage that will need to be broken, prolonging the whole thing.
This boy is 8- not 3. If he feels insecure and scared that his dad won't be there for him the next day then that is an issue that needs investigating. The dad needs to spend a lot of time with him talking- reassuring him that he loves him and that he is SAFE in a room on his own. The question is WHY is he so scared of sleeping alone? I agree that if nothing changes by trying other tactics first then they need child guidance.

[YDdraigGoch]

I'd leave him be for a while yet, as in let him sleep with his dad until he's comfortable. You don't have him every night, so you and DH will get time together.
He's only 8. He's not gonna want to sleep with his dad when he's 16. Things will sort themselves out in the fullness of time.
Love and patience is what he needs from you both right now.

[RandomMess]

The issue is though that if most nights he is bed sharing then it is going to be strange/unusual to then be on his own!

If DSS lived with them I would completely agree but I don't think this is necessarily the right time to push the issue.

A little bit of short term compromise may go a long way...

[Loopyloulu]

But the OPs first post implies he sleeps over at their house every night.
She says ' he has had overnight custody for 16 months'. I assume this means every day.

[EirikurNoromaour]

I think she means overnight contact, not full residence.

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

Why are you sleeping on the sofa when you could be sleeping in DS's bed? (Given he doesn't sleep in it, the sheets would be fresh)

I agree he should be sleeping in a bed on his own, but if this is what he does at home with his Mum, then it will be hard for him to settle on his own at yours - so I'd probably, reluctantly, allow him to, though I'd try to work on him feeling more confident and work up to him using his own bed.

[elliebellys]

Loupylou,how is setting conditions on his stay with dad going to help this boy,if they do what you suggest will probably make him more anxious. In the long run.

[bakingaddict]

I think if you want him to sleep in his own room then it's needs to be also co-ordinated with his mum at home. If he continues to sleep with her then it will be a huge step trying to get him to sleep on his own at your place.

At the end of the day this is an emotionally insecure little boy who to a certain extent has been damaged by the adults around him. I don't agree with Loopyloulu's tough love approach. If this is what he needs for a while to feel secure then I would grant it and also work through any deeper issues with a child therapist if needed

[Feenie]

It's hard for you to accept but this child is an emotional manipulator.

He is a child. FFs!

[RandomMess]

Feenie, glad it wasn't just me that thought that!!! Children can emotionall manipulate adults however it is usually subconscious and done due to lack of emotionally "good" nurturing/parenting not that the child needs to be "put in their place" so to speak.

[GoshAnneGorilla]

Bloody hell "Emotional manipulator" - what a hideous thing to say.

I agree with those who say it will take time and patience to get to the root cause of this. Vomiting with distress does not sound like manipulation to me and putting pressure on him to "be a big boy" isn't likely to improve matters either.

[GoshAnneGorilla]

"If necessary tell him he cannot stay if he doesn't sleep in his own room"

Surely the worst advice ever in such a situation. This is far more complex then a young child playing up for his parents at bedtime, so I think you need to knock it off with the Supernanny stuff, Louby.

[Loopyloulu]

Oh for goodness sake! Since when was it a crime to say a child was a manipulator? Some of you need to get down off your perches and get real. Children emotionally blackmail parents all the time, play one parent off against the other , manipulate situations by pressing the right buttons. If you have got children then you will know this.