need to get over this hatred (mil/long/tedious)

[CrypticCrab]

Already been told I'm not unreasonable although maybe I am, but I need to try moving from tnis.

Backstory;
Mil has some issues with me due to dh past relationships, she's never gotten on with any of his previous partners for one reason or another, mainly she's seen them as lazy and inferior.

Dh and I met and married pretty quickly after I supported him through a particularly hard time in his life/illness (they weren't invited to the wedding as we wanted just us and I was already pregnant, this caused tension). I moved whilst pregnant to his home country as we'd agreed it would be better for our dc. From the moment mil and I met I felt as though she was testing me, asking the same question numerous times and disputing things dh and I said as though we were trying to deliberately exclude her.

Pil visited us when we'd moved and had a house to unpack and mil spent a lot of time following me about questioning me which ultimately ended up with me hiding away from her as I was heavily pregnant and didn't need to be told I was lazy and that dh and I were liars.

It was very stressful however after the dreadful birth of dc it was thought that Pil would come and stay to help me as dp took ill and had to go into hospital himself.

His mother started off quite reasonably and having no family or friends from the area I thought it would be a good opportunity for us to get over previous issues and bond, however it ended up with me in tears every single day and mil being centre of attention and stirring up trouble.

I was expressing every feed because he'd had jaundice and hadn't latched properly. this meant i spent a lot of time stuck on my own in my room expressing milk as they were always in the house (they had their own accommodation so didn't need to be).

This meant I was expressing feeds and other people were feeding my baby.

"oh let granny have a hold... Granny wants him now..." I was pretty much left on my own while my newborn was passed around outside the door. I could hear him crying but just kept getting told to go to sleep.

Mil followed dh about the house meaning we had no time together as a new family.. she was in the house from when she got up until 10+pm at night.. meaning no time just us three with me stuck locked away in my bedroom expressing milk.

After a few days... and still in agony.. bowel control none existent, mil announces to dh she's been made to feel unwelcome. I was on medication, had no sleep, was having nightmares about the birth. It was because one day I'd had the cheek to spend time alone with my baby while expressing.

Then she told me that all these health visits meant the midwife would take dc off me if dc hadn't put weight on. I told her to stop being ridiculous. this was especially distressing seing as dc had been ill and not put much weight on initially which she knew.

the last night pil were here she told me people who dont bath babies everyday are awful.. asked why i wasnt changing dcs nappy... and started again about dh's taste in women. ie lazy bitches. I said after listening to this relentless shit for an hour while holding my baby and feeling exhausted 'maybe he likes them that way!' to which she sneered that she was starting to think so. I went to bed.

She then spent the last night telling dh what a moron he is/he picks morons to marry. She said I'd leave him to go home and that they'd never see dgc. Mil also bizarrely said that i hated my cat!

Mil told me while i was crying about nightmares i was having that I needed to get over it.. that I probably had post natal depression but that she didnt get it because she actually wanted her babies. Various other odd topics were discussed which were inappropriate but could have just been her being thoughtless ie. cot deaths, miscarriages people have had that she knows, things about her birth that were worse than mine etc.

I've now barred her from the house. No way can I have her in my house and I'm sure as hell not visiting them. Which leads to my next problem, as they want to see dc. Well how is that going to work? Dc is breastfed so feeds every couple of hours meaning I have to be near. Why should I therefore either be in mil's company and stress myself out/feel ill? Or do I let dh take dc to her for an hour then bring dc back.. meaning she gets rewarded i.e. me out the way and time with dh and dc alone.. which is what she wanted all along (they live over a days travel away so they'd either have to come to us or us travel miles to them which I doubt they'd do for an hour visit). I'm not letting dc go without me.

It upsets me so much that I allowed her constant access and let her have more time with my newborn than me and it still wasnt good enough.

She now wants to see her dgc but the thought of seeing her makes me feel ill and I feel as dreadful as I did in those early days. I'm currently seeking help for pnd/anxiety.
I'm also worried that if I allow access that she'll spend half her time insulting me and I don't think she's capable of controlling herself.

If you've managed this far then thanks.

[creepypenisreaper]

First of all, well done on laying down the law and barring her from the house. You've just had a baby and I'm amazed that she has been getting away with as much as she has. You should be allowed this time with your family to recuperate- you don't owe her anything and to be quite honest I think you've been a saint.

You NEED NEED NEED to start putting yourself and your child first- and I think it may surprise you that distancing yourselves from your MIL (and anybody else getting in the way of your family establishing a routine) for the time being is the best way to do this. Your newborn baby is not going to be scarred for life if she doesn't see the MIL on a daily/ weekly basis. This is clearly for her benefit. There's a few mentions in your post of 'she wants...' Well, 'I want' doesn't always get I'm afraid. She needs to back off.

If you are struggling with the breastfeeding and she is a direct obstacle, is it not in your child's best interest to remove her from the equation? If you are ill as a direct result of the stress inflicted from her, is it not in your best interest (and your child, as a result) that she is removed from the equation?

What does your DP have to say about this? She is his mother, after all and I feel as your partner he should be speaking up for you at such a time where you are perhaps most vulnerable.

[CrypticCrab]

Thanks for reading.

Dh thinks she has behaved badly and told her this to which she replied"fuck off" via email.

He's been sending her updates on our baby and she sends emails back as though nothing has happened and gushes about how she loves dc and can't wait to see him.

She thought breastfeed was odd which is probably a reason I stuck at it and dc has been breastfeeding well for 3months after a few hurdles.
I emailed mil a few days ago because I felt like it was becoming the mil show and I wanted to take back the control. I was pleasant and said I'd send pictures etc but she's never apologised even though dh told her she was out of order.

I just feel for dh as that's his mother but I can't trust her now. I hate the thought of her spending time with my baby but perhaps this is something I need to work on as well.

[creepypenisreaper]

No problem, I didn't want to leave you hanging. It's the early morning so you'll probably get more traffic/ advice later (pregnancy heartburn has transformed me into a night owl )

She sounds like her own worst enemy to be honest. It's hard for me to imagine a grown woman with any ounce of dignity or grace responding to her son with 'fuck off' when he is trying to put his POV across re her behaviour. (It can't have been easy for him) For me, that would be enough grounds to ban her from seeing the kids as she obviously doesn't care about how her toxic behaviour affects the people close to her and how her actions can hurt others feelings- this would worry me as what sort of role model would that be for my children, who I want to grow up to be empathetic, conscientious adults who are willing to listen to other POV?

You are more patient than I am. It would even take a lot for me to send updates on the child when she isn't allowed to step foot inside the house due to her own behaviour. Your DC is after all, not a snow leopard that your MIL is contributing £2 a month to adopt. She needs to earn it by paying you a little more respect, otherwise what has she got to lose by being a rude pig?

Try not to feel sorry for your husband. You seem to carry a lot of guilt regarding things beyond your control- she has driven herself away with her behaviour, you are NOT to blame.

It's a sad situation, and I know you don't want her to be the enemy and want to have peace and harmony, but it does seem like she needs to take onice for her actions. Like I said in my other post, your child isn't missing out if she isn't getting cooed over by your MIL at such a young age, and I'm not suggesting that you use your child as a weapon, but perhaps you need to put your foot down and finally say 'You can't have your cake and eat it. Either you are part of this family, be supportive and treat us with the respect that we deserve, or you give up your involvement with DC.'

[TarkaTheOtter]

Being "family" doesn't give you the right to treat someone appallingly and have it swept under the carpet. I wouldn't let her have a relationship with my children until I knew that their wasn't a risk of her exhibiting such damaging behaviour in front of them. IMO it is not "important" for children to have a relationship with someone who is so unpleasant to/about one of their parents.

[walterwhiteswife]

she has no right at all to talk to you the way she has. if she can't act like an adult and treat you with respect then she doesn't deserve to see you or you're dc. she sounds very controlling and it's about time she let you're dh grow up x

[CrypticCrab]

I know that feeling creepy, I never slept properly when pregnant. It's midday over here so I might not reply if people do respond.

Thanks to those who offered insight. I think I do hold guilt over the situation because I don't want to be the person who withholds pil seeing their gc or accused of using dc as a weapon which will in turn fuel the fire of drama.

I on the one hand feel sorry for her as she's clearly got issues around dh abandoning her and putting his partners first. He says we are his family now and that's all that matters but I do worry that in a few months or years it'll be me who gets the blame or pressured into getting over it. Dh says he's stuck in the middle of it.

She is very controlling. If she doesn't get her own way she has a habit of storming out of the house and while he was ill she'd ring him screeching about him being away from them and how much it was affecting her. I think she blames me for keeping him away from them.

I'm expecting a shitstorm when he tells her we're not seeing them for Xmas.

[Reprint]

I think you have to stop owning the responsibility for the upsets which MIL has caused, OP.

Her behaviour seems to have been way out of line, and your DH has supported you. Why do you now feel responsible for the way this moves forward? The only sensible option is that she doesn't see her child until/unless she is prepared to offer apology for her behaviour and move forward in a respectful way.
This puts the matter firmly in her lap - and the opportunity to reinforce this will be available when you tell them that you are not seeing them at Christmas.

If she continues to criticise you, then she simply confirms that is the right thing not to allow her contact with your child, when she demonstrates no respect at all for the mother.

I do hope you are managing to find some local friends, now. Baby groups? It will certainly help if you feel less isolated.

[Hawkmoth]

I like you OP. I would have murdered her for sure.

Just keep away. You don't want to be posting in five years time when she's been in your child's ear telling them what a "moron" you are and that granny knows best.

[CrypticCrab]

Ha murder would be an option if I wasn't so lazy.

Laughed at dc being likened to a snow leopard that she sponsors. I laughed at that. :)

I just hate drama and find it so tiring. She's so loud and obnoxious and somewhat obsessed that her son is some magic prize that all women want but none are good enough for. When I met her the first time, she told me about an ex of dh and how when they stayed over she heard them upstairs having sex. She spit her dummy out over him having a gf in the country he was living in and drove herself and fil to the airport threatening to go home unless the girl was told to sod off for the rest of their trip.

[BinarySolo]

I think it would be better to not see her or let her see your dc, but unfortunately it would be better if your dh came to this conclusion and took the appropriate action.

She's been allowed to get away with this sort of behaviour for years by the sounds of it, and your dh has enabled her. Great that he told her that her behaviour was unacceptable on email BUT she's responded with 'fuck off' and nothing's changed. You're both still trying to please her with updates on dc and visits.

She needs to learn that her shitty behaviour has consequences. If she can't be pleasant then she doesn't have contact with any of you and she needs to apologise for how she's treated you.

Seems you have an obnoxious, spoilt teenager for a mil! What's fil like? Can you get him on side?

[FunkyFucker]

I think you are wise to have banned her now. Perhaps the answer is 'possibly, once you have shown that you can behave yourself, so we will see'.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Glad you showed gumption by barring her from your home.

It is not your fault she is this way, absolutely not. Her dysfunction is deeply rooted and likely started in her own childhood. Her own behaviours seem narcissistic in origin.

People like your MIL clearly do not make for being good grandparents, not all grandparents are kind and loving. If she is too toxic or difficult for you to deal with, she is certainly too toxic for your children to have any sort of contact with. Keep them away from her, she will start on them given any opportunity to do so.

Your DH is also in FOG deeply - fear, obligation, guilt with regards to his mother. He may never actually be able to properly assert himself in her presence.

Also such people like MIL never apologise or accept any real responsibility for their actions.

What about FIL in all this?. I would not let him off the hook either because women like your MIL always but always need a willing enabler to help them. Such weak men as well act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. I do not think that he will be of any real assistance to you whatsoever because he will side with his wife.

[CrypticCrab]

Footie no it's pretty much the same as the UK. Just hotter so no obvious cultural differences.

Binary fil is nice and we've had some good general chats but mil gets really angry and has told me that dh's ex used to try and cosy up to fil and she had to tell him that she was using him to annoy her. So I felt like she was telling me this story as a warning not to try and play them off against each other. Hence every time I spoke to fil I felt guilty or like I was being watched. Which kills me to think he won't see his gc. But if he doesn't stop her then I guess he must agree.

She seems on the surface to care but it's very much on her terms and if you do something she disagrees with then that's it. She thinks it's awful I live here and assumes I'll want to leave. She hated dh living in my country where we met as it was leaving her. I think she has abandonment issues stemming from childhood and probably why I'm empathetic to a certain extent.

Thabks again for your time in answering.

[Whocansay]

I think you have to stop worrying about her and her wants / needs, and concentrate on you and your baby. You can't change her. You, understandably, don't feel comfortable around her at the moment.

I wouldn't let your dh take the baby to her either. There are lots of threads on here where the MIL will undermine DIL if the DIL is not there. There was a thread recently where the MIL gave the breastfed baby formula for example, which made the baby ill. Your MIL sounds a bit like that one.

I would wait until you feel less vulnerable and ready to face the dragon again. I would give her one last chance to behave like a decent human being. If she can't do it, cut her off.

[RandomMess]

Well done you.

Your DH needs to wake up from the FOG and smell the roses!!!

I would just tell your DH that your dc are never going to spend time with a woman that says such malicious and vile things about their dad...

[CrypticCrab]

I think you're all right. I keep reminding myself that she probably does not sit pondering my feelings. I suppose I'm a people pleaser and want everyone to get along. I have no family of my own over here and was hoping we'd get along but I can see it's not going to happen.

Dh hasn't spoken to them since, only via email and he says he's going to have to speak to them and doesn't blame me for not trusting her but then says that dc should have a relationship with pil. So confusing.

She has previous form for very odd behaviour and when she's visited has talked endlessly about dh's ex and her flaws in great tedious detail, even after being told to stop.

It's good to hear I'm not just being dramatic. I think it would set me back in my recovery from pnd to have her near me again. My child and I are also a pair. Dc didn't arrive by stork and she needs to accept me and have some respect for my role.

[RandomMess]

I honestly would reinforce persistantly to your dh that your big issue with her is that way she treats him because tbh it is - if she can be such and absive and nasty toxic parent to him then she knows no bound with her dgc.

"If she is capable of treating you, her SON, like x y z then she is not getting near my dc" repeat like a broken record.

[CrypticCrab]

She talks about her other gc oddly as well. All the same family but only really has time for one of them, which seems to be the underdog.

It's all very odd.

She is so strange.

[RandomMess]

Run for the hills and ban her from the dc life!!!!

[EldritchCleavage]

She may need to see your child, but since her behaviour is so very strange and unpleasant, consider how much your child needs to see her.

Anyway, I don't think you have to make any decisions about this now. Your baby is very small, being breastfed regularly, so it doesn't suit for him to be taken off to see your MIL at the moment. That can happen later, if you and your DH both want it to and MIL is not being deeply odd and vile.

[Nanny0gg]

See, I don't understand any parent who would want to take their DC to have a relationship with GPs when the GPs treat their spouse so badly.

The whole family comes as a unit and if one member is treated badly then the rest unite with them.

I think your DH shouldn't consider himself in the middle, he should be firmly and unequivocally next to you.

[CrypticCrab]

I agree nanny and it infuriates me that he seems to absolve himself somewhat from it as though it's us just not getting on.

It's going to cause problems I know it.

[RandomMess]

Perhaps it would be best to book couple therapy now before it becomes a huge issue? He needs to be told just how toxic, vile and unacceptable her behaviour is.

[CrypticCrab]

He just switches off.
Feel like emailing her back asking why she's never apologised. No point though as she doesn't care or see anything wrong with this behaviour.

Thanks for everyone's advice.