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Too soon to give up?(54 Posts)
I've been lurking a bit but new here. I've been with dp for almost 12 years. Lovely dd is only 4 months. Dp has always been a drinker but before dd the good times were good & I suppose, despite moaning a lot, I let him continue. Dd was a bit of a 'surprise' but early in the pregnancy, we did discuss how things would need to change. I said I wouldn't want to continue with the pregnancy alone if he was going to keep coming home drunk etc. He promised things would change. (He now denies all knowledge of this & similar conversations.)
Dp finally got a steady job which I took to be a good sign, although I still continued to pay the mortgage & bills alone (which continued on mat leave despite promises from dp). He works very long hours often followed by long sessions in the pub. He can go all week without seeing dd as he gets up early & comes home very late, usually a bit or very drunk. It was a pretty traumatic birth, but for each of the three days I was in hospital afterwards, dp didn't appear until the afternoon. I was immobile for a while & really struggled. As soon as we came home he went back to work. When dd was less than 2 weeks old dp disappeared on an all weekend drinking binge sleeping on (his) friends' sofas & not answering his phone - all in the name of head-wetting. I cried my heart out.
What makes it worse is most nights dp calls and tells me what time to expect him. Tonight he called at 7:45pm & said he'd be home in 40 mins. He turned up very drunk at 1am. He woke the baby crashing about. He's now snoring on the sofa. Again. At least I didn't make him dinner this time. I really resent him making me wait by telling me he's on his way.
He does very odd things drunk. I found him putting dd's dummies in a pot of mustard one night. It really upset me. I wonder whether he's struggling accepting that he's a father now.
I paid for a week away in a cottage recently to try to talk/ give myself a break from being lone carer for dd 24x7. He seemed to enjoy spending time with me & dd and got involved with looking after her. Thought we'd turned a corner. But the second we got home he disappeared to the pub. I feel I've tried all I can to speak to him, but rather than talk, he runs away. I try not to confront him when he's drunk, but tonight I told him I'd had enough and wanted him to leave. He really turned on me. Said I was mentally unstable & he doesn't tell me it often enough! Said that I can't throw him out of 'his' home (mortgage in my name & he has never contributed, except this month, probably cos he started to realise I meant it about him pulling his weight). Accused me of making up previous conversations, etc.
I know you can't force people to change. I want to protect dd from his drinking & from growing up watching me accepting the way he treats me. I just feel so guilty for inflicting useless parents on our gorgeous little girl. I worry that maybe I'm depressed & being unreasonable & it's too soon to give up. Maybe he just needs time to get used to having a baby. But I really want him to go tomorrow & fear he won't.
Sorry for the long rant.
Your house. He's no good atm.
Chuck him out and make him realise his priorities in life.
He will either sort himself out sharpish, or continue his downward spiral elsewhere.
Either way the outcome will be positive for you.
He put her dummies in mustard??? WTAF?!
Maybe try Al Anon who support families of drinkers.
IMHO you would be well rid of this sponging, drunken man-child. Good luck
No, it's not to soon.
He's an alcoholic.
Chuck him out, now.
Get some help from al-anon.
You did not make this problem, he did, the name calling is part of his disease.
It doesn't sound as if he's even really trying with the drinking... And he's verbally and emotionally abusive to you...
Imagine in 30 years time, your lovely dd told you she was being treated like this, what advice would you give her??
If the house and mortgage is in your name then you can throw him out, and even call the police to remove him (I think, but worth checking on the legal board). If the house is in his name then you can't do that.
But he needs to go and straighten himself out... You deserve a lot better than this.
Please... you should have dumped this loser yesterday
What the hell are you thinking holding onto this cocklodging waste of oxygen ?
It is in no way too soon to give up. You should have given up months ago.
He's an alcoholic.
And whst the actual fuck was he doing putting mustard on her dummy? I wouldn't trust him anywhere near her tbh.
Thank you everyone. I know. He should have been gone years ago. Will definitely contact Al Anon. Just need to stick to my guns today first. Deep breath...
Good luck OP
You know the right thing to do here
He sounds like he has a problem with alcohol, part of that will be lying, rewriting history & doing & saying anything he can to continue drinking
Get some support from Al-Anon. I'm a member, happy to PM you
You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it
Congratulations on your DD
Be strong love
This man is an appalling example and person to have around your daughter. Stop inflicting him on her...you have a choice, she does not.
The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this
What do you get from this relationship now?. You've known he has always been a drinker. Something has kept you within this for so long, maybe you thought you could rescue and or save him.
I can only think you have stuck this out for so long also out of habit and because you hoped that somehow he would change once he had some proper responsibility. Wrong on all counts there (he was never going to be at all responsible) but you cannot compound the mistakes already made here by keeping this man in your lives now. It is NOT and has never been about him struggling to accept he is a father.
Its not your fault he is a drunkard and he needs to be gone as of now.
He likely won't leave easily so you need to employ legal means to get him out of your day to day lives. This is no life for your child to be witness to either, she is and will learn from both of you as to how relationships are conducted.
It is NOT too soon to give up on this dysfunctional relationship because this is what this really is.
Thank fuck he's not your husband
It's not too soon to kick his sorry alcoholic arse out the door, the pathetic man child.
No, its definitely not too soon. He sounds like he makes parenting very difficult. Good luck.
Agree with what's been said. He sounds like an alcoholic and has the capacity to be very abusive. He's abusive already, making you doubt yourself and telling you you're mentally unstable (he doesn't tell you often enough - WTF??) but it will only get worse.
You're doing the right thing for your daughter. And yes, post in legal to check but as far as I know if the property is yours you can involve the police to get him out.
atilla This is not a defence of my inaction to date, or dp, but he is charming, funny, outgoing, sociable... All things I'm not. He's one of those people everyone loves. People are forever telling me what a lovely guy he is when they meet him. Almost all my friends I met through him. He's good friends with my brother. A lot of our friends know he drinks, but he's generally regarded as a loveable rogue (by people who don't live with him).
Yes, I stupidly thought he'd change. I feel very guilty about that. Yes, probably habit. When we got together in our mid-20s we went out together, and drank too much together. Over time I grew up and got all responsible. Dp didn't. He got worse. For years he complained that I didn't go out any more. But if I did it would consist of watching him at the bar with the other 'regulars'. I genuinely don't think I had realised how bad it was until I was pg. And tbh I've spent years concentrating on 'you said you'd be home at x and weren't' that the alcohol seemed almost like a side issue!
Geordie any advice on where to start would be great. Thank you.
Nopanic Yes. He makes parenting hard. I've often told him he makes my essentially single-parenting life harder by his presence. He says things like, 'well you can re-seal your own bath then.' Like I couldn't do it myself or pay someone!
I never felt brave enough or 'worth it' enough before dd. I couldn't do it for me. But I have to do it for her. I understand that. Thanks for all the encouragement. He's still passed out fully clothed on the couch btw...
Poor you, I have just separated from my DP of 3 years due to not wanting to end up in your situation. Citizens' Advice might be a good first call, as the house is in his name though you've been paying the mortgage. Do you have family you could stay with?
So is the house and mortgage in your name ? If you aren't married to him then you can just throw him out
You deserve better than this and you know it
I hope you've got him out now!
inflicting useless parents on our gorgeous little girl
This should be singular by the way. You are inflicting a useless PARENT on your DD right now and it's not right - NO!
You will be better off without this - yes I'm going to say it - cocklodging wanker!
He contributes nothing.
Get him out - he will get realisation and change or he will just continue - as an alcoholic I would predict he will just continue.
Be strong here - for you and your DD.
You have put up with way too much for way too long and you know it!
Time for him to realise what real life is all about and that includes living somewhere and paying bills - then maybe he won't be able to afford to drink so much????
You can do it - do not back down this time!!!
Reiterated I wanted him out this morning. I went out with dd and when I got back the car & him were gone. I don't drive (yet!) so no issue there (although I did pay for it, obvs). Doesn't look like he's taken anything though. He usually leaves the car here as he has a van for work. Tried calling him to see what his plans are. Phone switched off.
I'm sitting here worried about him & hating myself for it. It's a familiar feeling.
Tried to explain to him earlier that asking him to go makes me sad. Just not as sad as it makes me thinking of dd growing up witnessing all this. He wouldn't speak to me. He kissed dd bye when I went out but didn't want to hold her. He's clearly very upset... Which, I know, is his own doing. It's hard going though.
Start putting his stuff into bin bags.
He's done a flit to punish you - to make you realise what you might lose! Yeah right!!! That won't work - will it!??????
Pack his stuff and put it outside.
Don't try to call him again.
Send him a text, telling him his stuff is in the front garden and to collect it before it gets ruined by cold and rain.
Be strong right now and do it!
He will be back soon and will try to weadle his way in again.
Do not let him into the house - he will make up any excuse.
You need to pack his stuff and you need to get him out.
Once he feels loss (and this will take a bit of time by the way) you will know!
Do you have bolts on your doors? Start using them and change the locks asap. You've told him to go. He's gone. The mortgage is in your sole name. He has no legal right to be there and if he turns up you can refuse him entry. If he refuses to go, you can call the police because he's harassing you.
Don't feel stupid for putting up with him this long. Like many partners of alcoholics or abusers or the otherwise dysfunctional, it's NOT because you're stupid or weak, it's because you're so good at coping that you failed to notice how bad things were until something (in this case your DD) comes along to throw it into stark relief. Since that's happened, you've wised up very quickly indeed and have done all the right things. You should feel proud of yourself.
But don't let him waltz back in, because you'll be in real danger of giving in to the tears and promises of change - even if initially you just convince yourself that you haven't forgiven him and will only let him stay a few days until he finds his feet.
You are doing the right thing, love
Maybe he will come to his senses, maybe he won't but he can no longer do it on your time (and money)
Everything that hellsbellsmelons said.
Harness your anger if you need to, rope in supportive friends and family to be with you. Don't cover up for him or make excuses for his behaviour to his friends. This is his doing, and you are acting in the best interests of your daughter.
Thanks dahlen & scary & hellsbellsmelons and everyone. You really have helped me today. Everything is bagged up & in the porch (town centre & no front garden) but no sign of him except a phonecall telling me I'm a 'nutter' (again). And that he can't find anywhere to stay tonight. It didn't work.
Tucked up in bed now. Night all.
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