DH not the father I thought he would be :(

[MotherOfSoupDragon]

I love my dh a lot, but am disappointed in his fathering skills

I see other fathers that play sports with their children, cycle with them, want to take them places and do things with them. My dh doesn't want to do anything. He would sit and watch tv all day every day.

It seems all the time I have to be the one to suggest things we could do and he'll go along with that. I'm not at all sporty, not sure what I could do with dd. Tbh I think it's too late now, she's 12 and all she wants to do now is play with her friends and be on the pc. When she was younger I used to take her to museums.

I don't know how to ask him to do something without it turning into a row, he can't handle criticism at all. So I go along with how it is because I don't know how to change things.

I love him, but feel resentment sometimes. It's difficult right now as he's not working. He is trying to help around the home, can cook and put the washing machine on if I give him instructions, but doesn't see things like the carpet needs hoovering, the lawn needs mowing etc. He will Hoover if I ask him to but never mows.

He used to be fun to be with, but admittedly never sporty or very active.

Not wanting to moan, just looking for tips. Anyone been in similar situation, how did you deal/cope with it? Or do I just accept that he's like that?

I've suffered with depression in the past (and feel I'm struggling a bit now too tbh) so I'm probably not the most dynamic person around My get up and go went a while ago But I do try and have always tried to make sure we get out sometimes.

[Toklastennis]

Are you upset because of how he is with your daughter, or because of how he is with you?

I think a lot of couples fall into the pattern of "woman takes responsibility, man foes what he's told' around the house and family. It certainly happens with me and Dh and, like you, I'm York between not wanting to ask him up change and feeling resentment towards him. Sorry that I don't far anything more useful to say - what happens when you explain your point of view to him? What's your dd'a relationship Ike with him? Do they get along? I would say that's much more important than what they do

[KalevalaForMePlease]

I too can relate, OP. I have a DH who is quite lazy, doesn't see dirt or clutter, leaves things to the last minute, thinks that when he's looking after DD he can sit on the couch playing his playstation and she'll just sit quietly in the corner. (She is re-educating him on that one!)

He is also kind, generous, loving, has a touch of the absent professor about him. I tend to do a lot of nagging, cajoling, I write lists for him and give him plenty of notice, but the interacting with DD does stump me a bit. It doesn't help that when he gets down on the floor to play with her she wanders off!

I think the fact that your DD is older might be a good thing, as there may be things they can do together, like a hobby that they could both go off and do together. Or even if they just had a cinema day, or you could give them a shopping list and send them both off to do it together?

[joanofarchitrave]

I do recognise a lot of this.

I think tbh if your partner has never been active or sporty, it's just not going to happen, he is not suddenly going to turn into someone else at this stage. It's a question of whether you want dd to have opportunities to explore the possibility that she might be more of an active person, or whether you want him to do something differently; they might be two different things.

If dd is mostly focused on being with her mates, are any of her friends sporty? She is more likely to try an activity if there is a friend there. A team game is more friendly too. are any of her friends in the netball club? [Disclaimer: I would rather pull my own hair out than play netball but I know lots of people enjoy it]. are any of them horse mad? I was always relieved ds didn't like riding the two times he tried it as it's so expensive! but there are ways and means I guess.

I personally think the most sociable sport of all is probably tennis, but again only if she has friends there. A better route might be Guides or Pioneers (the latter is part of the Woodcraft Folk) as in encouraging her to be part of a generally increased activity level, rather than 'sporty' per se.

My ds is still at primary school so my ally in this sort of thing would be the parents of his friends, but I do see that it's different at secondary school; I would still go via her mates though.

With regard to your husband, that's really difficult. My husband believes he keeps the house very well. He doesn't. Neither did I when it was my job, to be fair, but I did at least KNOW I was doing it badly. I do think that you would be within your rights to talk to him about this - that you feel quite low at the moment and feeling the house and garden are neglected is making you feel lower still - what can he suggest?

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Could you do a family list for everyone to do, then have a treat/ fun thing to do for later or the afternoon?

Even if its just a pizza & family DVD you can all watch or a walk in a local park or down by a river while the weather is still good?

Take the "lets all do the boring stuff & then have some family time" angle.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He sounds like a lazy man and a lazy man is going to take a lazy attitude to being a parent. Having said that, I don't think children need 24/7 stimulation in order to have a good relationship with their parent.

[MotherOfSoupDragon]

We've never had a To Do list. Basically what happened before was dh worked fulltime, I worked part time from home and did all the housework and cooking. I generally do the garden too and any decorating we do together after I've nagged a bit.

Currently I'm working part time in an office and dh is out of work (has been for 3 months ).

I agree that I can't expect him to become sporty now. But they have nothing they do together without me. They started going to archery but dd lost interest which makes dh cross. He hates shopping or going for waljs.

They do get on most if the time, although dh struggles a bit with the fact she is becoming a bit "teenagey"!

I think my main grumble is that he doesn't want to do anything with her, but I am a bit fed up with the laziness in general.

[Handywoman]

We can all moan about the ins and outs of who does what in the house, my opinion (FWIW) is that

I don't know how to ask him to do something without it turning into a row, he can't handle criticism at all. So I go along with how it is because I don't know how to change things.

is closer to the nub of the issue.

I have just got rid of a husband who was similar ('parenting' from the sofa while watching the telly). Only he also did this with a miserable and angry demeanour and was also verbally abusive at times and frankly the whole demand of his children/family life was something of a burden. Except in public in front of friends etc., where he always turned into a cheerful-hands-on-dad.

After living in this unsupported environment with an emotional black hole of a man for ten years, I found myself on antidepressants. These helped me to have a wake-up call! Not saying you should LTB but I think the communication and lack of team effort in your house (and not the sporty-ness or otherwise of your DH) is niggling at you. Rightly so. It needs addressing.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Teenagey yep that's part of it. Does she moan to you that he's not buzzing around doing sporty stuff? Tbh if other dads do X or Y that's great. Don't fall for thinking that makes up for who knows what else goes on in their lives.

The earlier posters saw that this is less about her more about your expectations. If you have always taken the lead and he depends on you to take the initiative he has more spare time now to sit back and wallow. Too bad if he can't take criticism. Don't badmouth him to DD and wait for her to be out of earshot but say what you're thinking.

Ask him to do something specific. He is I assume looking for work, submitting CVs, networking, but there should be ample time for chores. Do your fair share at weekends. Make sure DD chips in with simple but necessary stuff. It's not a luxury having a clean environment and fresh smelling laundry and a well-stocked food cupboard. It's not fair for one person to run a household; nobody is demeaned by contributing, the whole family helps out.

You don't say he drinks to excess and no suspicious behaviour eg online porn so if he isn't pulling his weight domestically, I think you can handle this. Personally we had more laughs as a family playing Rummy or table tennis than we ever did doing earnest sports or consciously cultural pursuits. But a canal walk or round of crazy golf or borrowing a friend's dog for an amble between pub or cafe can be low-key but healthy amusement. A clear-out and an early morning start to get a car-boot sale pitch could spring clean the house and get DD involved.

Sorry if I'm stating the obvious but employment can be a confidence and passion killer, can he be depressed?

[MotherOfSoupDragon]

HandyWoman, he's not at all abusive (and I have been in an abusive relationship with my first husband, who was just a big bully), he is a lovely guy, just too lazy and laid back.

[Dahlen]

I think you should read this book: Wifework It will help you understand what you're feeling and help you express it in a clear, non-emotional way. It's not just about housework; it will become very clear why it's relevant to your DH's relationship with your DD. good luck.

[MotherOfSoupDragon]

Donkeys, yes, he is actively looking for work, no, he doesn't drink or have a nasty porn habit. I don't badmouth him to dd or anyone in fact, except to mention it on here. I do more than my fair share of the work at all times.

I agree this is a two sided issue, not just his parenting skills, but also his general laziness. I'm not at all considering leaving him. As I said above, he's my second husband and I don't intend to go through another divorce. I was just looking for some advice from people in a similar situation.

We used to play lots of games, but dd at 12 isn't as interested as she used to be. Maybe I need to push that a bit too ... I'm fed up of always switching tv (and rarely stuff I'm interested in, because he doesn't like "tacky" stuff!)

We do have a dog - my choice - and guess what, I do the walking! Actually since he has been out of work I have asked that he come with me because he now has home and I feel the exercise and fresh air will do him good and he will if I ask him, but never of his own accord.

I don't think he's depressed, but I know he's annoyed and frustrated by being out of work. However, he has always been like thus. He will happily sit all weekend watching tv instead of DIY or playing with dd etc.


Dd isn't complaining that he doesn't do enough, that is purely my view. She's never known any different.

[MotherOfSoupDragon]

Thanks Dahlen.

[BettyandDon]

12 is a funny age. I doubt that many fathers have a lot of 1-2-1 time with their daughters of that age. Surely she is much more interested in being with her friends?

[caramellokoalalover]

I share your feelings of disappointment. Even though my DH has never been good with kids I thought with his own children it would be different. He doesn't want to do anything with them without my insistence or involvement (they are 2 and 4). I try really hard not to let it upset me, but it does. I love him and he has many good qualities, but fathering is not one of them.

[sisterofmercy]

DH isn't depressed about being out of work is he? Sometimes it's hard to be proactive about something especially if you can't see what needs doing but would be willing if you were asked nicely.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I did say I think this can be remedied. It's not an instant death knell for a relationship if one partner habitually takes charge and the other one waits for input then follows or if one parent isn't excelling at overt father-daughter time but something's shifted for you to notice it and resent it now. It certainly isn't healthy if you feel you are slowly going under.

I agree MN is the perfect place to vent and get ideas and I hope you find a solution.

He used to be fun to be with, but admittedly never sporty or very active. So he can be good company but has apparently got to the pipe and slippers stage ahead of time? Is there a big age gap between you? Did he just stop trying once he'd wooed and won you?

I don't think it's unusual for 12 year old girls to prefer their pals' company but where does that leave you, how will you and DH live together when she leaves home to work or study in 6 years' time? If unemployment triggered his most recent apathy it could be he doesn't get a job for some while. When he does find work you might be wishing it were long distance.

[MotherOfSoupDragon]

There is an age gap between us: I am 6 and a half years older than him!

I understand dd wants to spend time with her friends, but maybe she would want to spend time with dh if he tried. She's not very mature for her age and still quite happy to be at home with us.

We have a good relationship most of the time. I think we will be fine when dd does leave home at some point.

Maybe it's too late, I'm still sad that he didn't do more with dd.

I really don't think he's depressed, just frustrated. He has always been like this, it's not something that has developed since losing his job. He is very laid back and lazy.

[Jux]

Draw up a list of all the chores. Assign days to them. Put each of your names down next to whichever chores you think appropriate for the person and for fairness. Voila.

That includes dog walking, btw. He could do it every other day, couldn't he? Maybe dd could do it once a week, or all three of you could.

This may not work for you, but when I lived with my parents, we would have big Sunday lunches, and the games board would come out afterwards. My dad wasn't really into games, but he'd play anyway, as the whole point is bonding, not winning per se, so it was enormous fun. Gave us something to do while we all babbled at each other, laughed and joked. (Sadly dh won't play any games except backgammon, and stops when he loses.)

[MotherOfSoupDragon]

Thanks Jux I have just said to dh that we never play games these days and dd immediately said, oh yes, we should play crib (she learnt to play crib last year whilst we were on holiday and loves it), dh agreed so that's a great idea. We have a few board games and I would like to reach dd to play backgammon too - she has played on the pc, but not on a board.

[bigkidsdidit]

He needs instructions to put on the washing machine? Really? how on earth did he hold down a job?

[MotherOfSoupDragon]

Drawing up a list of chores sounds good, especially as I could do it under the pretence of getting dd to take on chores!

This morning I wrote a To Do list before I went to work, saying it was for when I get home. When I got back half the things were done, so I might try that again too. Very pleased.

[MotherOfSoupDragon]

Big kids, yes, really we now have a bit of paper on the washing machine with a list of settings for different washes and washing liquid amounts. At least he does it. He works in IT.

[bundaberg]

i know how you feel OP.

I see my friends partners/husbands enjoying doing things with their children, looking forward to spending time with them and I wish, wish, wish that DP was like that.

the fact is, he really doens't seem to enjoy spending time with them. It would never occur to him to play a game with them, or take them to the park, or suggest a day out because he doesn't like doing those things.
I find it sad that he apparently gains no pleasure from doing things that make his children happy.

it's kind of like he would rather spend all his time on his own and that the rest of us are a burden to him

I alternate between trying to make him see how much better it could be (in my opinion) and thinking that he'll never change and that I just need to focus on myself and the kids...

it's difficult though, and you have my sympathies

[bundaberg]

and yes to the not "seeing" things that need doing. or not "knowing" how things work or not "thinking" about stuff


classic was a while ago now when I asked why he hadn't made the children any lunch (i think i'd been out/ill/something) and he replied "I don't know what they eat"

i mean wtaf?? the eldest is 8... he's been doing this long enough

[MotherOfSoupDragon]

Bundaberg I'm sorry you're in this position too I think my dh would like it to just be the 2 of us, as we used to be before children, drinking lots and sleeping late. He's a scifi geek too, so a lot of stuff he watches I could do without. I feel like I'm not myself or anyone anymore. I just exist here.

Dh can just about heat up spaghetti hoops for dd when I'm not here but wouldn't think to make sure she has salad or fruit or a drink.

We have friends where the father plays table tennis or tennis with the children and they go on hikes, another cycles and goes out in a boat with his dd and they also go camping - my dh won't even consider camping, he hates tents and caravans. In fact he hates the outdoors.

It just makes me sad. I know dd doesn't know any different and doesn't miss what she doesn't know. She's not sporty and so not bothered. But might she have enjoyed sport if he'd taken the time? (It's not helped by the fact that it's so expensive to do sport around here I would play badminton or table tennis with her but it costs a lot to book a court/table and the nearest leisure centre is miles away).

She enjoys swimming but he doesn't and the nearest leisure centre is miles away again. I used to take her when she was younger but why must I do everything? And we have discussed it in the past, but he just sulked and nothing improved afterwards, hence why these days I just live with it.