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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Violence

26 replies

Cakeeater24 · 21/09/2013 13:11

I have NC'd for this as I am disgusted with myself.

My husband and I row constantly. He does nothing around the house, literally NOTHING. He will take his clothes off in the lounge and leave them there for days. He leaves nappies all over the floor. He has washed up maybe 5 times, after extreme nagging, since we have moved into out new house 6 months ago.

He is often rude and verbally abusive - calling me moron, cunt eat for the smallest of things.

This morning I asked him to wash up.
I went out.
Came back an hour later and he hadn't done it. He about to go out. I told him to do it before he went. He stood in the kitchen swearing, calling me a controlling cunt etc etc.

In the end I snapped. I kicked him and scratched him.
I am disgusted with myself.

He followed me into the other room, put him hands round my throat and told me that if I ever did it again he would slip my throat.

I am not this person. I do not want to bring my children up like this. Things used to be so good but we can't carry on like this can we?

I'm absolutely devastated and just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Report

Cakeeater24 · 21/09/2013 13:25

Bumping

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2013 13:34

You can't carry on like this. Neither must you blame yourself for lashing out in the face of extreme provocation & sustained abusive behaviour btw. As it sounds like it's uncharacteristic, a one-off, it classes as an understandable act of frustration, not an act of aggression. But do get yourself and your DCs away from this abusive man. Violence is never the answer. Getting him out of your environment is.

Do you have friends or family you could talk to? Would he leave if you told him it was over? Would you consider talking to Womens Aid?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2013 13:35

Sorry.... didn't read the part about hands round throat and threats to slit it. That changes everything. Call the police and have him removed

Cakeeater24 · 21/09/2013 14:09

He wouldn't leAve. We own the house together. He would expect me o go. I a, on MAT leave so can't afford the mortgage alone anyway.

Without giving too much away, there are step children living her. I have brought them up. If I left they would lose their mother and their whole world will fall apart.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Chubfuddler · 21/09/2013 14:13

You could get custody of them. It is possible.

You need to talk to women's aid. You may be able to get an occupation order. I think really you should phone the police who would also be able to assist with the occupation order. He threatened to kill you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2013 14:14

He threatened to kill you and he had you round the throat. That's assault... unlike your scratching/kicking which would be classed in a court as self-defence under extreme provocation. Call the police and get him removed. You are no use to your step-children or anyone else dead and that's really what we're talking about here. Women die every week because they don't think their case is bad enough to bother the police over, or because they can't afford the mortgage alone, or because they think it's their job to keep the abuser in the family. Please don't become a statistic. Get him out of your home and get some help to set up with your kids and without him.

Lweji · 21/09/2013 14:30

You must go.
Now or shortly, but leave.
Don't let this normalise.

Contact WA, the police, and make a plan.
Or just take off now.

Cakeeater24 · 21/09/2013 15:22

He wouldn't kill me. It was an extreme and violent reaction to my kicking and scratching him.

He is constantly verbally aggressive and I do know I have to leave.

I just need to get myself together to do it. I may have to go to work early to earn enough money to get somewhere to live.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2013 15:29

Of course he's capable of killing you. Normal well-adjusted people don't threaten to slit their partner's throat.

Please listen carefully. The death threat wasn't an extreme reaction to you kicking him, it was because for once you refused to be cowed into submission. That's when abusive men are most dangerous, when they think they're not winning.

So you need to get away quickly (no waiting to earn enough money or it'll never happen) and you are going to have to be very, very careful how you go about leaving. The police are still your best bet. By reporting the violence it will be on record that he is abusive and that will influence a lot of things e.g. access to children, external assistance, excluding him from your home. Women's Aid can also help you get to a place of safety.

Lweji · 21/09/2013 15:33

Listen to Cogito.

Get out as soon as you can.

He may have meant it or not. Do you really want to risk it?

Delilahlilah · 21/09/2013 15:38

Pleasures to cog OP. He is frightening you in order to maintain control. Threats to kill should never be ignored. Speak to women's aid. You are min ion musing what he has done, and he will continue to get away with it for as long as you allow him to. Confrontation is risky. I would not live with / share a bed with a man who threatened to kill me. Neither is this good for the children.

Cakeeater24 · 21/09/2013 15:44

thank you.

I am sat here in tears at my wreck of a life.

OP posts:

Lweji · 21/09/2013 15:45

I walked out with nothing but my purse and DS the very day exH threatened to kill us.
After a less serious bout of DV than yours, and that I reported to the police.

I just gave it enough time for him to calm down and left for the supermarket.
Even asked him if he wanted to go too. Not surprisingly, not. He thought he was in control.
Next thing he knew he had 4 police officers at the door.

You can do it and get free.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2013 15:54

Your life is not a wreck... his is going to be when he's barred from his family and looking an assault charge square in the eye. There is a better life waiting for you starting now but it's going to take a lot of support from friends, family, the authorities and a huge amount of determination and courage on your part to grab hold of it. I think you sound very courageous from the small amount you've already written and I think you deserve to be safe and happy. Good luck

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 21/09/2013 16:32

You are not safe. Very likely your children and step children are not safe from this man.
Please take action NOW and call the police.

Chubfuddler · 21/09/2013 21:20

I hope you're ok op. You can and must get away from this man. He can and could kill you, absolutely he could. Do you think any of the women you read about in the paper genuinely thought their partners would kill them?

Delilahlilah · 22/09/2013 09:44

Pleasures ?? Wtaf! Sorry, auto correct there. Listen to cog that should say

Delilahlilah · 22/09/2013 09:45

How are you doing op?

Isetan · 22/09/2013 20:15

Leave, you have run out of 'Ifs' and 'maybes'.

When ex tried to kill me the only warning I got was a year earlier when he hit me for the first time.

When people give themselves permission to be selfish they rarely seek our permission. If that selfishness goes unchecked, especially in the entitled, it can escalate. Trust me, been there, you and your children don't wanna be around that.

What's happened has happened, learn from it and move on.

AnyFucker · 22/09/2013 20:20

You are both resorting to violence, this is an extremely unhealthy relationship to expose children to

Putting hands around the throat of a physically weaker person though has many red flags for escalating to GBH/murder

You should leave. Immediately.

TheSeaPriestess · 23/09/2013 01:27

There is no option now but to get out. Seriously, threatening to slit your throat is so far from a normal relationship as its possible to be. Believe him, he is capable of hurting you or even killing you. Call the police and women's aid and if you feel in immediate danger just grab the kids and walk out or call 999.

I'm worried for you OP.

cestlavielife · 23/09/2013 12:47

it's very possible for him to kill or injure you even without intending to go that far. it isnt worth the risk. not for you or dc.
he HAS threatened you and he HAS put hands round throat.
get out now.

Cakeeater24 · 24/09/2013 11:03

Hi all. Thanks for all your help and support. I've been staying at my mums. Haven't yet decided where to from here.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Lweji · 24/09/2013 11:35

That's good.
I was a bit worried about you.

Keep safe.

Remember that he will do it again. Maybe not in a week, month or year, but he will.
It took my exH 10 years because he knew I wouldn't put up with it, but he did it again, and our marriage was basically crap. I'd lose my rag at times (just wasn't violent) or cry a lot.
Not anymore.
My life is calm with no drama.

I wouldn't give violent men a second chance ever again.
And what happened to you now was quite bad.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/09/2013 11:37

Very glad to hear you got away for now.
Get some rest and support from your mum.
Talk to WA and CAB and find out what all your options are.
Well done.

Flip

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