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(72 Posts)
Blondeorbrunette Mon 16-Sep-13 13:52:34

I have no ideb where to start sorting out the shit heap that is my life.

I cant make a decision to save my life. When i do, i cant stick to it.

I think im depressed, i dont even know that.
I have madd an app with my doctor for thurs to discuss this.

All that has gone wrong in my life is catching up with me.

My horrendous childhood, my shit parents. My brother attempted sex with me when i was 14.
At the end of may i went out for a drink and i got a taxi home. Woke up in the morning without a stitch on. I have very little memory of what happened.

When i go to doc on thursday im gonna tell him i need help or im gonna throw my phone in the cnal and go missing.

I just dont know where to start.

Im a cunt to everyone around. What comes out of my mouth is shocking.

To top it off i am stuck in a marriageh want out of.

I hate my life. I hate it.

forumdonkey Mon 16-Sep-13 23:14:53

Take every day and every decision a step at a time. You've made an appointment for your GP - thats a positive step. Next one is to get advice on how to leave. Just take each day at a time and when things feel bad just concentrate on getting through the day.

Remember they are not mistakes they are learning curves, you went back and nothings changed so you can be more confident this time you are doing the right thing for you and moving forward. See it as a positive to strengthen your resolve to get a better, peaceful life.

Good luck OP, baby steps and this time next year you can look back and be proud of your achievements.

Blondeorbrunette Mon 16-Sep-13 23:44:05

Thankyou forum.

I could walk out the door, its when i have done it that i fall apart.

I just cant cope. I start to doubt myself and i want to come back. I feel sick, i get the shakes and hot/cold sweats.
Im also tortured with the thought of him with someone else. How messed up is that.

Blondeorbrunette Tue 17-Sep-13 11:32:57

A little update- i have spoken to my local family res centre this morning and they have offered me a session with a domestic violence support worker/counsellor tomorrow morning at ten andthen every thurs from next wk. So a massive step in the right direction. I wish it was today. I so want to get on with this.

I wish i had the home of my parents to go to. I feel so alone.

Sitting on my couch crying now. I hate myself for being aale to leave when i know i should.

I think i have convinced myself that being with my husband is far easier than coping with kids, no money etc.

Why did my lovely husband have to be a monster.

Of course he was a monster before we married.

Why the fuck cant i just leave!!

Madlizzy Tue 17-Sep-13 21:02:40

Don't be so hard on yourself. You've taken massive steps over the last few days to try and find a way forward and for that, you ought to be bloody proud of yourself. You're planning and taking baby steps. You go, girl! xxx

LuisSuarezTeeth Tue 17-Sep-13 21:37:25

BB isn't it the biggest pile of shit ever?

Well done you, I am in utter awe of your strength x

iwasyoungonce Tue 17-Sep-13 23:48:22

That is just such great progress - look how far you've come in one day! Absolutely well done! You are really doing this - you can do it! Please update again after your counselling sessions. I really think your strength will grow and grow.

Oh and I think it is very natural for you to feel like that about your H. You still love him. You are used to him. He is "yours".

But you have to realise, in fact you have already realised, that he is an abusive arsehole, and you deserve far, far, better. He doesn't respect you or support you. He is dragging you down and you will never be happy as long as you are with him.

You will get over him, you really, really will.

LuisSuarezTeeth Wed 18-Sep-13 13:12:20

How are you today? Did you see the counsellor?

Blondeorbrunette Wed 18-Sep-13 16:18:42

So, had my session. Counsellor asked abt my family relationships, do we get on, do i see my parents etc. Asked abt my children, their ages etc.

We talked very little abt my husband and our marriage as i think she just wanted to build a picture abt me. We did touch on the dv. Told her he had headbutted me, joined websites, hospitalised me bla bla. I joked that she has her work cut out and that maybe she would need counselling when i was done.

She asked what did i want from counselling. Told her i want to plan my escape and im doing it now before he takes my last bit of strength and im stuck here forever. Told her i dont want tabs as im not dep, i just want to have clarity in my life and make decisions with a clear head so that i know they are the right ones.

I cant see me sticking this for too. He will never change will he.

LilyBossom Wed 18-Sep-13 16:35:16

no he won't change, but you can.

I think you are very brave and I really hope your counsellor can help you.

Madlizzy Wed 18-Sep-13 21:34:54

He won't change, no, and today will very much have been a fact finding mission so she can build up a picture of how she can help you. As Lily said, you can change things and you're on your way. x

iwasyoungonce Thu 19-Sep-13 22:05:25

Sounds like a good start. I agree she seems to be just building a picture at the moment. I'm so impressed at how far you have come in just a few days. You should be proud of yourself.

Blondeorbrunette Tue 24-Sep-13 23:01:35

Guess who's packing smile
I am getting out on saturday.
Im slowly packing the kids stuff and will ring him on sat when he is at work.

There is nothing here for me anymore and i want my freedom back.

Looking at him now i wanna knock every single one of teeth out.

Got my job back, am due in on monday and have someone to mind the kids for free. I feel great x

Patosshades Tue 24-Sep-13 23:10:56

Oh wow well done you! Delighted for you to read this.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 24-Sep-13 23:16:01

I didn't post before, but I was reading. Very well done indeed. I think you'll find a lot of the fog will clear once you're out of the abusive atmosphere. And congratulations on the job!

SavoyCabbage Tue 24-Sep-13 23:22:34

That is wonderful news BB. I'm so happy for you.

The counselling sounds like it went really well. Keep that up. My friend was in a bad situation and was helped no end by her counselling sessions. She has started a new life too. A much happier one.

Blondeorbrunette Tue 24-Sep-13 23:23:25

There has got to be more to life than making sure his ironing is done.
he is nuts.
I cant even be bothered to explain the row we had tonight. Not worth my time.

Cant wait to go. He is just getting worse!

Anniegetyourgun Tue 24-Sep-13 23:27:46

Ironing is against my religion.

Blondeorbrunette Tue 24-Sep-13 23:32:24

I am going to have to leave the counsellor where she is. When i leave, she will be too far away.
I moved out of the marital home the end of august to move into his rented property, so im just going home. Only brought a few bits so its all still there.

The tripe coming out of his mouth the last few days and in particular tonight is nothing short of abusive. He just doesnt make any sense. Says something then denies it.
If he starts one more sentance with "what you need to understand is"

Blondeorbrunette Tue 24-Sep-13 23:41:24

mine too annie, can i borrow your gun ;)
I cant wait to go, this is no life.

The other day he came home early from work and i warg sat down watching a film with kids. Nearly died when i saw his car. Jumped up to empty and load dishwasher, heart was pounding.

Thatr just not right is it. Bastard.

Blondeorbrunette Tue 24-Sep-13 23:42:15

mine too annie, can i borrow your gun ;)
I cant wait to go, this is no life.

The other day he came home early from work and i warg sat down watching a film with kids. Nearly died when i saw his car. Jumped up to empty and load dishwasher, heart was pounding.

Thatr just not right is it. Bastard.

bunchoffives Wed 25-Sep-13 01:11:46

You are right BB, that is no way to live. You deserve much better.

Life is short. Too short to put up with another xxx years of being miserable with a pathetic bully who drags you down everyday. You and your DC will be much better off out of there.

When you leave try and focus on making a relaxed and cosy home for you and DC. Remind yourself of all the shite you have put up with if you start to doubt your decision to leave. And come on here. Mn will support you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 25-Sep-13 07:16:32

I think you've taken a bigger and more important step than you think just by acknowledging the DV to your counsellor. It's no longer a secret, you've said out loud that you want to get out and you've crossed what my friend calls a 'mental bridge'.... you are out of the relationship mentally now and it's not going to be long before you're out of it physically.

We can all be victims of bad luck and bad choices and being the victim of an abusive man can knock all the spirit and energy out of you making it doubly impossible to act. When you're been head-butted into a deep hole and you're stuck down there with a broken leg you can either blame yourself for not having the strength to get out or you can shout for help.

You've asked for help and you'll get it now. Keep talking to the counsellor and good luck

Shnickshnack Wed 25-Sep-13 07:48:32

You haven't made a mess of your life. Shit happens, abusive and manipulative bastards people are out there, often luring their next victim in by being charming and attentive initially.

With a history of abuse in the family or from abusive partners / friends anyone would be in a tough place. Christ, it's difficult enough to manage kids, work, life in general without the horrible experiences you describe.

However, you are strong, you are different from them. You have taken the first steps to rebuild your and DCs lives. I wish you all the best! X

invicta Wed 25-Sep-13 07:58:13

Just wishing you all the best. It sounds like you are now going in the right direction.

iwasyoungonce Wed 25-Sep-13 19:16:31

WOW BB! I am so impressed by you! I couldn't be happier for you. Thank God you have made that decision to leave him - life will get better and better from here.

Well done - and your kids are so lucky to have you.

Just imagine what they must think when you jump up like a frightened rabbit when he gets home! It must be a horrible environment for them. You are SO doing the right thing. if you ever doubt it, come on here again and talk.

Good luck for the future. smile

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