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Ever ok to 'sleep' with someone of the opposite sex if you're married?

(49 Posts)
Duvetday80 Fri 13-Sep-13 07:55:05

Please help me settle an argument which I don't think there should be any question over but maybe I really am 'uptight' as dh suggests.

I mean actually sleeping in the same bed - are there any circumstances that you'd be ok with your dp/dh sharing a bed with someone of the opposite sex?

If it was a female friend that you didn't know and they hadn't voluntarily told it had happened could you forgive them if you believed they hadn't had sex?

filee777 Fri 13-Sep-13 07:57:30

There are two issues here

Sleeping in the same bed?

Not such a problem if there is nowhere else to sleep.

Not telling you? Very different

ImpatientOne Fri 13-Sep-13 07:59:38

I don't think it's ok and would expect that an alternative was found - additional hotel room/chair/floor etc.

As for whether or not it means they had sex I don't think I could say? Just because people shared a bed - no but because it was kept a secret - maybe.

DoYouEverFeelLikeAPlasticBag Fri 13-Sep-13 08:00:46

I think the fact that he didn't tell you sets off alarm bells. If nothing happened, I think perhaps he wanted it to....

You're not uptight to be upset over this.

Duvetday80 Fri 13-Sep-13 08:02:43

I don't mean do much whether anything happened - as foolish as it may sound I do believe him that it didn't but its that he is claiming this isn't a big deal and he didn't do anything other than sleep so I shouldn't be annoyed

I don't think it's ok to share a bed with another woman if you're married

PrincessRomy Fri 13-Sep-13 08:04:56

Looking at it the other way I think if I slept in the same bed as another man it would feel very inappropriate and I would feel as though I was being disloyal to dh. So I wouldn't do it, and I would be upset if he did.

fortyplus Fri 13-Sep-13 08:09:57

I was away in a mixed group for the weekend to celebrate a friend's birthday. There were 10 of us and she booked a cottage to sleep 12 - except that they were all double beds! Most of us in relationships/married but away on our own - she'd organised a load of activities like gorge walking and abseiling. I offered to share with one of her female friends but the woman refused to share a bed with me because she hadn't met me before. So instead I ended up sharing with one of the men who was married and I know very well - we've all been away loads of times, often sharing a mixed bunk house room. It was fine - I went to bed first and he crept in quietly later, keeping himself right over on his edge of the bed!
And you know what? He said to the rest of us that if we didn't mind he'd rather his wife didn't know as she might've been uncomfortable with it - she'd only met me a couple of times.
So in my view we were being nice and helpful to the group but also considerate to his wife by not mentioning it. It did feel a bit weird at the time but was absolutely fine.

Lweji Fri 13-Sep-13 08:11:44

He didn't tell you because he knew you'd be upset, or wouldn't believe him nothing happened.

So, I wonder why he's claiming you are uptight, etc.

What would he think if it was the other way around?

I once shared a train cabin with a married colleague because it was cheaper. I didn't tell my then H and I never asked him if he told his wife. We knew there was absolutely nothing going on, but should it be reversed I know I wouldn't have liked it. It doesn't make sense, does it?

How did you find out, btw?

firesidechat Fri 13-Sep-13 08:13:12

I wouldn't like it and I don't think my husband would be happy if I did it either. What other people do is up to them and I don't have an opinion on that.

filee777 Fri 13-Sep-13 08:18:10

Why would you want someone to sleep on the floor? Personally I believe that if someone is going to cheat on you, they will do it regardless of floors/chairs

Everyone might as well be comfortable.

DontCallMeDaughter Fri 13-Sep-13 08:35:12

I'd never expect DH to sleep on the floor or in a chair if there is a double bed he could share. But I'd expect him to tell me and I'd expect to be a bit hmm about it.

StupidMistakes Fri 13-Sep-13 08:36:08

Depends on the individual relationship. I wouldn't have been happy with my ex husband sleeping in the same bed as another woman but then he was a lying cheating arse but since I've left him I have allowed another man to sleep in my bed and nothing has happened. But I am single so if I was with someone maybe that would change

Mosman Fri 13-Sep-13 08:43:12

I would expect he would remain fully clothed to sleep at the very least and given that its all so innocent then I'd expect to hear about it from him at the earliest opportunity.

Lovingfreedom Fri 13-Sep-13 08:45:16

My ex shared a hotel room with another woman while away with a group. He didn't tell me and when i found out he firstly denied it and eventually said it was because his male friend snores so he didn't want to share with him and he didn't tell me because I wouldn't understand. Strange because I do understand...if there is an innocent explanation you must go to all lengths to hide it...wives are very suspicious people.

ALittleStranger Fri 13-Sep-13 08:56:58

I have several male friends who I've shared a bed with. It means nothing, and nothing has happened. Most of the time. But it just doesn't happen when one of us is in a committed relationship. It's not about admitting that it did have a subtext, it's about being courteous to a partner's feelings, which should be paramount.

NotYoMomma Fri 13-Sep-13 08:57:50

I go to a nerd convention every year and me and a few mates usually go halves on a room (single occupancy - eek!) and share

I shared with women the last two times but Man (good friend) the previous times.

also people who live near the venue sometimes decide to not go home and can they stay in your room.


if dh was uncomfortable or asked me not to (we have 100% trust) I wouldn't share as it would be disrespectful to his feelings. I would expect the same from him toward me

Distrustinggirlnow Fri 13-Sep-13 09:00:10

If I was single then yes, but that isn't your question OP is it...

I actually think 'sleeping' with someone is quite intimate whether or not you had sex or not. So if you were single and it was a good close friend then yes, as long as the boundaries were clear.

I think that the fact your DH is being defensive, trying to turn it around to make it your problem as you're clearly up-tight and that he didn't tell you, are all red flags.

If he was sorry and remorseful I'd be a bit more inclined to believe him. What were the surrounding circumstances to this non event?

mewmeow Fri 13-Sep-13 09:06:56

It would be ok if, for example, it was done as part of a group outing situation. Also, of there were a few people crashing in one room, even in one bed. I would definitely expect him to mention it though, just because i would feel like then it was completely innocent and nothing to worry about/hide.
It wouldn't really be ok if the two of them went for a meal etc then ended up sleeping in the same bed & it wasn't mentioned until a long time after the fact.

MadBusLady Fri 13-Sep-13 09:09:06

I would top and tail, or pillow-down-the-middle, with very, very old friends who pre-date DP and who I have fallen (innocently) asleep with in all kinds of bizarre student situations, and would not think twice about DP doing same with equivalent female friends.

But that's the only circumstance. DP has met them all, he knows they're my oldest friends. Certainly with a colleague or someone he didn't know, I'd think that was improper and would do everything possible to avoid it. For me as much as anything, I don't particularly want some bloke who I don't know and love and in whom I have zero romantic interest in my personal space all night.

HairyGrotter Fri 13-Sep-13 09:16:03

I'd be very sad about your situation, a) I would not be overly joyous that DP shared a bed with any female, especially one I've never met, and b) (this is the HUGE one) the fact he decided not to tell you!

MadBusLady Fri 13-Sep-13 09:18:49

Also agree with distrusting, it IS an intimate thing to do by most people's standards, even if nothing happens. Otherwise it wouldn't be a cultural norm that only couples usually do it, or that it's best to have separate bedrooms for siblings once one reaches puberty.

Junebugjr Fri 13-Sep-13 09:20:44

If it was one of DH good friends, I think I'd be ok. But I'd be pissed off if he shared with a woman he or I didn't know well, and if he had hid it, I'd basically assume he was having an affair.

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 13-Sep-13 09:35:26

It totally depends on the context IMO. If it's a party situation, everyone's a bit drunk and crashing wherever and several people are sharing beds because there aren't enough to go around, early 20s lifestyle kind of thing, then that's fine. Also, I don't know, if you booked a twin room but were given a double, kind of thing, but each person keep to their own side of the bed with AT LEAST underwear on (preferably pjs, or clothes) that's basically like sleeping in separate twin beds anyway.

Snuggling/cuddling up, undressed, that wouldn't be on. Also if there was any kind of history or question mark about the two people from either side I'd be feeling a bit funny about it. And similarly, if there was an option to sleep separately then there would have to be a pretty good reason for them to share the bed.

Charbon Fri 13-Sep-13 10:53:56

It's not the co-sleeping in a bed that is the problem, it's any lies of omission or commission that were told about it and the accusations of you being 'uptight'.

Be very wary too of someone who excuses lying because of your imagined reaction. It's a very manipulative tactic that attempts to make you feel in the wrong, even when you never got a chance to have a reaction.

It sounds like your partner is also manipulating the outcome. Few people like to have a self-image of being jealous or possessive, so what sometimes happens is that women who are being lied to quell their instincts and try to be 'cool wives' who don't ask questions and who appear unbothered.

Think about who gets the best end result there?

RaRaZ Fri 13-Sep-13 11:39:47

Well, I'm not married, but I'd be very uncomfortable if DP did this! If he shared with his best male friend, fine. But another woman? No. That's too intimate for my liking and he'd have some serious explaining to do.

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