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Relationships

My sister's MIL is ruining her marriage

45 replies

Reality · 19/08/2013 09:34

The background to this is that my sister found out six months ago that her DH has been doing cocaine socially for the whole time she's known him.

She was very clear when they met that she was anti drugs and he told her he was too. His best mate is a local 'wide boy' drug dealer type, and BIL always made out that he thought he was a bit pathetic and that drugs were for losers. When as it turns out he was snorting coke with him every weekend. Worse, they woudl do it at my sister's house, she'd go to bed with the baby and they woudl sit downstairs until the early hours ostensibly playing poker.

So, this revelation was six months or so ago. They have an 8mo DS and my sister is 14weeks pregnant. Things have been great, he has stopped seeing this 'mate', stopped going to the pub at the weekends, quit the football team, basically worked really hard at doing everything my sister needed him to do.

He is a good guy, and genuinely loves her, adores his son. He was a fucking idiot to lie and do drugs but I honestly believe he is making the changes he needs to.

The fly in the ointment is his mother. She drinks with the same crowd of people as BIL used to. They live their life round the pub. Even before the drugs revelation, she woudl paint my sister as the nagging wife, she'd phone BIL on a Sunday afternoon for eg and say, 'oh go on, see if she'll let you have a pass, come down the pub for a few'. Since all the coke stuff came out BIL has cut his former best mate/dealer out of his life. She still hangs around with him. He is still invited to her parties and she drinks with him in the pub.

My sister phoned me in tears this morning, I am raging. She went out with her friend yesterday for her friend's birthday, leaving BIL with the baby. As soon as she'd gone, he went to the pub (baby in tow!) for 'lunch' with his mother.

This is the local pub where all the old cronies hang about, and where he was very liekly to bump into ex mate and all the other druggy fuckwits.

This has all blown up again as my sister went mental at him when she got in. He is very remorseful but felt unable to say no to his mum's invite for lunch. Lunch isn't the problem, going to this pub is.

My sister feels that as soon as her back was turned, his mother was straight in his ear going, ah go on, she's not around to tell you not to.

His mother knows all about the drugs (it was a revelation to her at the same time) but thinks my sister is massively overreacting by demanding he stops seeing his friends and curtails his social life. Mainly because she lives her life through him and the pub.

My sister is emailing Relate this morning, which I think is great. He is keen to do whatever she wants to save their marriage, or at least he is until his fucking mother pokes her nose in.

There is a whole subsection of backround as well around his family thinking my family are posh and stuck up (apart from me, because I am a drinker and a partier so they like me Hmm), my family aren't stuck up, they just don't live their whole social lives around the pub and my sister doesn't really drink. So there's a whole thing around his mum being very defensive about the pub 'lifestyle'.

Any advice? My sister posts on here sometimes so I'll point her to this thread.

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Reality · 19/08/2013 09:40

Sorry for the epic post, well done if you make it through to the end. I have loads more detail I coudl have added in Blush

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Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/08/2013 09:41

There is nothing she can do unless her DH comes to the realisation himself that he needs to stand up to his mother or lose his wife. Relate is a good way of doing that in hopefully a non-confrontational way.

What a horrid situation, and the MIL sounds fucking hideous. People who live their lives in and around a pub are always obnoxious IME, yes FIL I'm talking about you

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Reality · 19/08/2013 09:41

Oh, and for those who know me or 'know' me, this is my lovely little sister and not my slightly trickier middle sister.

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CoteDAzur · 19/08/2013 09:43

He stopped taking cocaine, right?

Why isn't he allowed to go to the pub for lunch?

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Reality · 19/08/2013 09:43

That's what I'm hoping for with Relate.

I've said to her that they need to find some common ground, because obviously he is an adult and she can't ban him from places or people, but she can make a choice not to be with him if he does.

And obviously he can't live his life on a short lease that he's constantly straining against, so he has to make some choices too.

Hopefully Relate can help them join teh dots and find some compromise.

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Reality · 19/08/2013 09:46

Cote, because my sister freaked out.

he fucked up with the lies and the coke for SIX YEARS.

Six months down the line, and pregnant and with a small baby, she has asked that until she feels ready to trust him she doens't want him in that place with those people and that temptation. Particualrly not when he is in sole charge of their baby.

I don't think that's particualrly too much to ask, although it's not sustainable forever.

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AmazingBouncingFerret · 19/08/2013 09:48

like alibaba said there's not much more she can do. your bil has made a good start in curtailing his previous lifestyle, he just needs to keep it up and grow some balls where his mother is concerned.

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CoteDAzur · 19/08/2013 09:51

"Until she feels ready to trust him"?

Weeks? Months? Years?

What your sister needs to understand is that lunch at the pub (with his mum, no less) isn't really an environment that invites cocaine use, and if someone wants to do coke they can do it anywhere so banning certain places is useless.

Freaking out because her DH went to the pub for lunch with the baby and MIL is not reasonable behaviour. She needs to extend the leash a little if she wants to hold onto it at all.

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Reality · 19/08/2013 09:51

Thanks Ferret. I hope he does.

I think his mum woudl be more than happy if they spilt up, she coudl have her little boy back. They work together and she drives him to work and brings him a packed lunch. I think she really resents my sister being the woman in his life, although she is pleasant enough to her.

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Reality · 19/08/2013 09:53

Um, Cote, actually Sunday at the pub after the football match, with his Mum there, is EXACTLY where he did coke.

That's the whole point. Sorry if that wasn't clear from the OP.

And it's also the fact that the very first time my sister isn't there, he has gone (at his mum's request) to the very place with the exact people that he has promised to avoid.

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Reality · 19/08/2013 09:54

And she's well aware than banning him isn't a sustainable solution, which is why they are going to Relate. But it is the way she is dealing with it for now.

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MrsGeologist · 19/08/2013 09:55

It's not just the temptation (as you say Cote, he is t going to do coke with his mum on a Sunday lunchtime) but that fact that he's going where his mum and no doubt all his old friends will be slagging her off for being stuck up.

I wouldn't want my DH to associate with people like that, why should Reality's sister?

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MrsGeologist · 19/08/2013 09:55

Oh x-post.

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Reality · 19/08/2013 09:57

There is no suggestion he did coke yesterday, by the way, I do honestly believe he is away from it all, and I'm sure he didn't see any harm in going for lunch. Stupid boy.

But yes, it's the whole thing about Dsis being painted as the stuck up nagging wifey. Uurgh.

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HollyGoHeavily · 19/08/2013 09:59

I know this is going to sound a bit drastic, but is moving to a new area a possibility? As long as his mother is round the corner and the pub is his local that pressure is always going to be there.

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fuzzywuzzy · 19/08/2013 10:00

He did Cocaine for SIX years?

I don't know anything about drugs. However, is it a little simplistic to believe him when he says he's now stopped taking it? Has he sought professional help?

Is it as easy as going 'Right I've stopped a six year habit of cocaine, just like that'?!?!

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Reality · 19/08/2013 10:02

I did coke, pills and speed every single weekend and often during the week for about ten years. I stopped overnight. It can be done, although in my case I left my husband and moved 100 miles away from everything.

So I know it's doable, if not easy.

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ArtexMonkey · 19/08/2013 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LtEveDallas · 19/08/2013 10:04

Is BIL 'easily led'? I know this is an Adult that we are talking about here, but some adults act like kids around their mates.

The only time my brother stopped the drink and drugs was when the council housed the family miles from his old haunts and old mates (think from town centre to rural backwater). He was clean for over 3 years, got a job, supported his family and became the 'perfect' husband.

Problem was he had an addictive personality and was very easily led (excusing him, yes, I know). SIL used to 'baby' him and nag him and so on, but it worked

When the family moved back to town (for schooling) it took him about 6 months to fall back into his old ways - all it took was a few visits to his old local and his old mates. Within a year he'd lost his job, was drinking and drugging again and life was shit.

My poor SIL put up with him for 14 years in total. Within 2 months of finally kicking him out he was dead.

I blame my brother for everything, he was the architect of his own disaster and died the way he lived, but I also apportion blame to his loser mates that egged him on an on and on, calling him 'boring' and 'square' and telling him he was 'under the thumb'. He couldn't resist, he should have, but he didn't.

If MIL in this case is like my brothers mates then I think the longer SIL can keep him away from the pub/those mates/his mother the better.

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Reality · 19/08/2013 10:05

It is disrespectful, isn't it. And to be fair to him, he is generally making all the right choices himself.

He needs to say to his mum that it's not his DW stopping him, it's a choice he's making. If it is.

AA etc might be a good idea, I'll float it to them.

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Onesleeptillwembley · 19/08/2013 10:06

Why are you blaming the MIL? The problem is the husband.

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Reality · 19/08/2013 10:08

LtEve, I'm so sorry about your brother. And yes, sounds similar.

Onesleep, I'm not blaming the MIL. But if she would back teh hell off this would all be a lot easier. Even before the drugs stuff she's been a malevolent presense and has placed herslef firmly in competition with my sister for his affections.

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CoteDAzur · 19/08/2013 10:08

Sorry, my understanding was that he was doing coke at home while playing poker with a friend all night.

If he was doing coke at the pub at lunch time with his mum around, really, there is no place on earth he wouldn't do it at. Cinema, kiddie park, wherever.

And I don't think it's feasible to forbid a grown man from seeing his mum, especially since the woman wasn't part of his drug scene (didn't even know he was doing it).

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CoteDAzur · 19/08/2013 10:09

If he stopped taking it then he clearly wasn't an addict. What use will it be to send him somewhere to talk about cocaine once a week and hook up with "former" users?

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MrsGeologist · 19/08/2013 10:11

He can meet his mum elsewhere, and he should tell her to lay off bitching about his wife.

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