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Abusive ex has reared his ugly head again :(. Need advice please!

(86 Posts)
mosp Wed 31-Jul-13 15:26:10

I ran away from dangerous h in 2003 when dds were 0 and 2. They have no direct experience of his abuse.

Since then, I have always made sure that any contact takes place in a contact centre (many reasons, one being that I don't trust him to safely return them, and he lives normally in Nigeria so it would be extremely hard to get them back to safety).

Apart from the contact centre, I have made no other stipulations or ever prevented him from seeing them or otherwise contacting them.

His last visit to them was about 6 years ago.
Very occasionally he calls them and has sent them money every so often (with gaps of literally years!)

He is still abusive towards me if he gets the tiniest chance so I have blocked his email and I refuse to deal directly with him - he needs to make arrangements via solicitor (no prob for him financially; he's loaded)

The thing now is that I have heard from sources that he is in the uk and wants to see the dds. He has stated that he will not use a contact centre.

The reason I know is that he called the minister of my church and sent an email. I was informed of this and I suggested that he be reminded (think broken record) that if he wants to arrange contact he needs to contact his solicitor.

About 5 years ago he took me to court about contact and the outcome was clear - he has to use a contact centre.

I hope you have made it this far...

Today I arrive home to find that I have missed a recorded delivery letter addressed to my dds (now 10 and 12). I know for certain what he will have written. He will be asking them if they want to see him not in a CC.

Now I don't know what to so for the best. I will have to fetch the letter and give it to them. They may well state that they do want to see him not in a CC. They have no experience of the truth about him because they've been protected all their lives.

However, if I insist on the CC, I look like the controlling one.

I know that ex wishes to paint me as a vengeful and bitter ex but my ONLY desire is to keep my dds safe.

What shall I do?

omaoma Sat 17-Aug-13 19:53:55

have been lurking mosp, glad to hear you are still there reeeeeally hoping with you that he is buggering off as promised.
it is for sure for the best that your girls have a clear picture of what he is like and are forewarned.
hugs x

fifi669 Sat 17-Aug-13 21:39:58

I wouldn't be surprised if a man such as him would tell your church he's leaving Monday so you feel safe...

Luckily I think by telling your DC to be aware, not to go off with him etc you've made it very difficult for him to snatch them.

It sounds proper shit. Totally feel for you and wishing it all ends quickly with him naffing off and not returning again.

Hissy Sat 17-Aug-13 22:10:28

Phew! Keep your guard up till you're sure?

mosp Sat 17-Aug-13 22:21:06

I am still going to be cautious for weeks! The whole thing has made me scared and uptight, especially as he doesn't always do what he says he's going to do. He's totally unreliable.

Dd1 is away for a week next week, so at least I'll know she's in a safe place.

The thoughts (questions) going on in my head right now are:

If ex was such a classic abuser (he was textbook), how is it he's still married to wife #2? I wish I could be a fly on the wall to know whether she lives in the same danger and turmoil that I did. Could he have really changed? If he has, why does he carry on trying to intimidate me? Why not just see his girls like a proper loving dad would? How much of his bad attitude towards women is cultural? If it is cultural, then why is he so textbook? How does she stay with him? Did he treat me so badly because I'm British?

So many questions sad

I don't suppose I'll ever get to the bottom of it!

fifi669 Sat 17-Aug-13 22:25:40

If its cultural and she's also Nigerian maybe she puts up with it because she thinks she had to...

mosp Sat 17-Aug-13 22:30:38

Thing is, if he is the same as he was with me, then 'putting up' is not an option. I did literally everything to try to pacify him and give him what he wanted, but he still forced excuses to fight me. His violence got ever worse. He crossed more boundaries almost daily. He threatened to kill me and brandished weapons. I left before I got killed. How is wife #2 still alive??? It's baffling!!

omaoma Sat 17-Aug-13 23:01:49

re your questions about your ex, there's a gpd phrase: 'there's no accounting for nutters'. really, you can't rationalise the interior landscape of somebody who is not adhering to any of the boundaries or ideas you understand. you can't explain him or understand him or his relationships with other people and trying to is just giving him headspace he doesn't deserve.
and no, he hasn't changed. he really really hasn't.

BerylStreep Mon 19-Aug-13 12:24:03

Glad he hasn't made any approach so far.

If he is leaving today, perhaps best to be ultra cautious today, just in case.

I can't remember now, did you ever speak to UKBA about being alert to any children accompanying him when travelling? Did you ever clarify with the Nigerian embassy whether children can travel on a Nigerian parent's passport, or if they need their own?

In terms of wife no 2, who knows what kind of hell she is going through. But he has probably filled her head with so many lies about how dreadful you were, that she maybe feels she has to stay to prove something. I don't think it is worth your while trying to understand something that isn't rational.

Keep safe, and don't let your guard down after you think he has left.

mosp Tue 20-Aug-13 08:01:31

No, I still don't know whether they could. As far as I know, they only have British passports which are safe with me. To be honest, he has enough money to find an illegal way to get them out the country, so my main concern is to ensure they don't go with him in the first place!

Feeling much better today!!!

With regards to new wife, I know I shouldn't' try to rationalise something that is not rational. I can't help it though sad

bibliomania Tue 20-Aug-13 09:52:44

With the new wife, if she's from a powerful Nigerian family, maybe he's got to keep himself a bit more in check.

Hope the ordeal is nearly over for you!

Chibbs Tue 20-Aug-13 10:28:20

keep safe.

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