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So I just found my husband's online dating profile.

(76 Posts)
captainchaos Thu 18-Jul-13 17:08:44

Apparently we've been "very separated for a few years now but not looking to upset the status quo at home yet due to children"

He set the profile up while I was on a work's night out last month, my first in years. This is all such a mess, and I don't want to dripfeed, so I'll try to bullet point it.

* I've suffered with depression for years. Last year my period returned for the first time since having DD (3yo). When that happened, my SSRI's lost their effectiveness and I started suffering from debilitating PMT

*Last year I started a new PT job and became friends with a male colleague who I see for maybe 10 minutes each week. We have a similar sense of humor and started to exchange memes via email.

*About 4 months ago I went to the GP for help with my mood swings. Her solution was to slowly wean me off the last meds and start me on something new. My mood has been increasingly low and irritable throughout, which does make me difficult to live with.

*3 months ago, my "email friend" had a depressive episode, and so I increased email contact to help cheer him up.

*Last month I started my new meds and also attended my first work's night out in years. That same evening, my husband set up his online dating profile.

*During the work's night out, it was the first time I'd actually had any real time to chat with this colleague. I realized I was pretty strongly attracted to him, and kind of freaked out about it.

*The new meds triggered 10 days of insomnia and coupled with my strange feelings for colleague I've pretty much had a breakdown. Feeling like both colleague and I were vulnerable, I told him I was feeling too strongly in his presence and wasn't comfortable seeing him in person.

*Husband read my email, and was not pleased. I responded that the silly emails were helping me stay afloat and that I didn't intend to stop the friendship.

*I made colleague aware that emails were being read by my husband, and carried on emailing/texting jokes and support.

*Last night I felt awful and irritable and was cross with my husband, which made him really unhappy. He said something cryptic that made me think. So today, I figured turn about was fair play and logged into his email. There I discovered he's created profiles on POF and Friends With Benefits. I told him I knew, and he says it's my fault because I was texting my colleague, and said I had feelings for him.

I don't even know why I'm waffling on here. It's over, isn't it? Neither of us trust the other, and we're both making each other so unhappy. What do I do now?


captainchaos Sat 20-Jul-13 19:45:29

Well, on the bright side, the discussion about his dating profile(s) was calm. I let him know that I was aware of it in a kind of lighthearted way while he was still at work, so that he could take enough time to digest the information before coming home. So by the time he got home we were able to talk reasonably about it.

Although I was initially shocked, We both quickly realized that I wasn't really that upset about the idea of him seeing someone else. Probably a pretty good indicator that the relationship is nearing it's end, but it also weirdly eased some of the tension. We didn't talk about splitting up directly, just that the future may look different than we had both planned.

Someone asked why I posted about this now, when some of the things I've mentioned happened years ago-- Although I do post regularly under a different username, I've always hesitated to post about incidents with my husband because I'm scared of the answers would be. It's not always easy to talk about what's happened, and I'm never sure if it is my fault. "I must be a real bitch or he wouldn't be so angry", and "It's true, I should have been doing housework instead of whatever I was doing"

So missbebop, in answer to your question, I honestly don't know how much of the responsibility for our relationship's downfall is mine. I know I entered into the marriage loving my husband and intending to build a life together forever. But there's a lot of shit that's happened that I never saw coming. Obviously getting a crush on a colleague was an epic failure on my part, but if I'm honest the problems were there before that happened.

For now, I'm going to keep taking my meds and try to get myself on an even keel, before tackling any life changing decisions.

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